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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel left out because I'm not on social media?

301 replies

PaxUniversalis · 31/12/2017 12:03

I don't use social media. I'm not on FB, Twitter, Instagram, Whatsapp, etc.

I feel increasingly left out by friends and family and I think the reason for this is that I have refused to be on social media. 99% of my friends and family - young and old - are on social media and they keep in touch mainly via Facebook.

I'm probably old fashioned but my ways of communicating with people are: face to face, text messaging, email, telephone. In my 'old fashioned' mindset I believe that people have the tools to keep in touch with me: they have my landline number, my mobile number, my email address and my postal address. We all managed to keep in touch with friends and family before social media existed (I'm nearly 50 - just to put things into perspective).

None of my old friends ever get in touch with me spontaneously anymore, except to communicate important messages, like a death or a wedding or such like. I do try and keep in touch with them by sending emails. They do reply to my emails - actually 1 person is very good, she replies very quickly - but the majority of people only reply when it suits them - sometimes this is weeks later! Or they don't reply at all anymore. However, they all seem to be very active on FB and they send FB messages back and forth instantly to others (I know this because a friend of mine showed me the messages on her FB account).
So why do they keep in touch with others on FB but not with me via email? Perhaps I'm not that important to them?

One friend even announced that she was going to get married on FB. I only found out by accident a week or two before the wedding because I happened to be talking to a mutual friend who is on FB. Not good.

I'm talking about old friends here. Most of them know that I'm not on social media yet they never send me an email to say 'hello, how are you' from time to time. I'm always the one sending emails to them. Yes, they do reply - eventually - but It seems to be a one-way street here as I'm always the one doing the instigating.
Very frustrating as a lot of friends and family live hundreds of miles away (in the town where I grew up) so I don't see them a lot during the year.

I still prefer face to face or voice to voice (phone) contact with people if I'm honest. I know I could join social groups if I wanted face to face interaction but I'm a bit disappointed in my family and friends.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PaxUniversalis · 31/12/2017 14:11

@BarbaraofSevillle

Do you actually phone and visit the ones who live nearby or arrange to meet up with them?

I usually send them a text message suggesting we meet up. They use text messaging. We then meet up face to face.

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 14:11

Does it bother any of you guys that all your conversations on Facebook and other such media are stored and owned by the company providing the platforms? Every message and every chat one has ever had

Why would anyone be interested in my messages to dd asking what she wants for dinner? Or to my brother asking if his kid pooped or not today?
They have no value to anyone, why would I have any concern about them being on a server somewhere? And your email is just the same....

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 31/12/2017 14:12

But if social media does the same thing as texts etc, what is the point of it? If it does the same thing but better, how is it better? I already have all the free texts I need. What does social media add, and why should the op expect to be excluded because she won’t use it?

WeeBeasties · 31/12/2017 14:13

Whatsapp isn't social media, it's a direct messenger. You may find that by being on it, you end up with mors face-to-face communication because you'll arrange/ be invited to things instigated on whatsapp.

If your friends are all on a group and someone says 'I've got a spare hour is anyone free for coffee?' That's a potential thing you've missed.

Also it's great for silly non important stuff. All my immediate family have a joint whatsapp group and we're always sending each other stupid photos of things we're doing/ things we've seen. I wouldn't consider them important enough for an email but it's nice to ping them to the group.

And you can be on Facebook without getting too involved. For example, my mum has set it up so that it sends her a notification if one of her kids posts and she'll look then, but doesn't otherwise.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/12/2017 14:13

Karlos - FB messenger is free and you can message many people at the same time, with texts you can do that but it's time consuming and you're paying for each one. It's easier than email because you can do it while you're looking at FB.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 14:14

But if social media does the same thing as texts etc, what is the point of it? If it does the same thing but better, how is it better?

Because I can have group texts easily and free, I can see when messages have been seen and read, I can use gifs and send pics and videos easily and for free. And that is just messenger. On FB I can do much more.

Again, if you don't know how it works, why do you have such strong opionions on it?

TrojansAreSmegheads · 31/12/2017 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thetreesareallgone · 31/12/2017 14:16

I have friends who are not on social media, and if they are nearby then a text/local meet up is great. If they are far away, the friendships have just died off a bit, to be honest, as they can rarely travel to see me (or just don't) as children etc., and we don't chat on the phone as much as we used to do. It's a shame, but it is what it is.

i don't use social media instead of emails/texts/phone chats, the two aren't mutually exclusive, the more ways to say hi to friends the better!

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 31/12/2017 14:18

Genuinely confused. It really isn’t difficult at all to send texts to groups from my iPhone, and I already have all the free texts I need.
so really not clear what SM brings to the party - save for the more public elements of it, which are not appealing to everyone. If you find it troublesome to stay in touch with someone who won’t embrace these elements, then clearly you don’t value the relationship - or you have issues of your own re: effort!

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 14:19

So youre just going to keep on telling us what is wrong with it and why we are doing it wrong while being genuinely confused about how any of it works?
Seriously?

falange · 31/12/2017 14:19

I have a friend like this. She misses out on so many funny things that are shared and good or bad news that is also shared this way. It's also hard to remember to tell her when arrangements are made or changed because all our friendship group is in a WhatsApp group we forget that she's not. Her husband has fb but she won't get it. She doesn't like texting because she still has a pay as you go account so it costs her. She has an ancient phone and refuses to change.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 31/12/2017 14:20

I’m asking what it brings to the party, other than the public elements ( sharing photos etc) which people may have very good reason for not joining in with. It’s a genuine question.

Userplusnumbers · 31/12/2017 14:22

I'm probably old fashioned but my ways of communicating with people are: face to face, text messaging, email, telephone. In my 'old fashioned' mindset I believe that people have the tools to keep in touch with me

The other way to look at it OP, is that you have access to FB messenger, WhatsApp etc. You just choose not to use it. If that's isolating you, then you either need to change your behaviour and start using it, or learn to live with it.

I'm sure 60 years ago there were plenty of people refusing to have telephones on the basis that 'they can just send a letter' but the world moved on.

falange · 31/12/2017 14:22

Karlos it's quicker and easier to make arrangements with a group of people on WhatsApp than it used to be having to text or call people individually.

AdalindSchade · 31/12/2017 14:23

Whatsapp has easy to use group chat which doesn't depend on everyone having the same phone as for example iMessage does. It has free video calling and it's just a nice easy way to communicate with several people at once. There is a reason why people choose it over texting - it's not just to annoy the luddites Hmm

scaryteacher · 31/12/2017 14:23

I'm with you Hevonbu, and I don't want to be a tool to increase Zuckerberg's bank balance either. I use MN, text, emails and the landline. I don't like the datamining that FB does, and who knows to what uses it can be put?

I also don't want the details of my life out there. I value my privacy. Given Dh's past and present employment, the advice is not to be on it anyway. Not difficult for me.

Beltane18 · 31/12/2017 14:24

I think it's odd that they don't just keep chatting with you by email

but if you work at home, to me that's even more reason to have it - you can have a good chat with your mates between work tasks

I mean, you're here, so you can't be that worried about getting addicted social media?!

I've ended up seeing people more face to face because of social media, I hate going out but seeing people talking about stuff makes me more likely to say "ah, it's time I saw so-and-so in person". I wonder if that's a factor in you falling off their radar?

That said, most of my friends emial or whatever daily because you don't want all your conversations on a public forum, so perhaps other things are at play - are they finding they get enough social chat on social media so they are less inclined to go out?

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 14:24

I’m asking what it brings to the party, other than the public elements ( sharing photos etc) which people may have very good reason for not joining in with. It’s a genuine question

Everything else. We're not here to explain to you in detail how all social media works. Why not just take it on trust that the people who use it probably know more than you, if you don't?

scaryteacher · 31/12/2017 14:25

Just noticed whatsapp worn be supported on some phones from tomorrow.

sothatdidntwork · 31/12/2017 14:27

I don't do any of those things either op, but it hadn't occurred to me that I am missing out on any news as a result - but have just realised that the flaw in that is that of course I wouldn't know because I'm not on them!

As a genuine question to pp, how is whatsapp different from normal texting? Is it that you can do group chat? I can see the convenience of group chat for making arrangements it is true. And why (sorry, two genuine questions) is it easier to respond to a whatsapp group chat than to do a 'reply all' e-mail? Is it just that people don't look at their e-mail accounts often any more? I knew e-mail became 'slower' (in terms of people looking at it) a few years ago, but I thought that had got reversed with smart phones now that everyone receives e-mails immediately!

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 31/12/2017 14:27

Beats me why a simple question should produce such aggression, curry wurst - maybe a bit of time off SM would be healthy?
Good point re the privacy issues. I’ve steered clear of Facebook ever since a friend of mine who is a privacy lawyer told me it’s the devils work. Wouldn’t be on linked in either but professionally it’s a necessity.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 14:28

It;s not a simple question. You're asking how SM works and why people use it, there are entire books written about that question. Maybe go read one and stop commenting on things you don't understand?

UrgentScurryfunge · 31/12/2017 14:29

Social media is much more visual than older methods of communication so it's easier to be prompted to get in touch with so and so after a while. If you refuse to engage with the dominant forms of communication then you're putting yourself out of sight and out of mind.

My DM chose to rebel and refuse to engage with anything computer based back in the 90s. It's now at the stage where her access to news from the extended family is inevitably second hand from what we've picked up from FB and remembered to pass on next time we phone up. She misses out on all the things like baby photos because she chose not to engage and keep up. I can't even send her a text message because there's no guarantee that she'll switch her 2000s swivel phone on to receive it in the next month. So she's limited to phone calls in the few time slots where she's in the house and it's mutually convenient. It's tiresome that she isn't easily accessible to communicate with.

I have had friendships fizzle away partly, but not entirely down to not engaging with changes in communication. When DH and I lost a lot of numbers in close succession we lost them for one couple. Social media would have made it easier to keep in touch and keep them in mind. Having to think about including X in the loop separately increases work for people and risks people deciding that you may not be worth the additional effort, especially where group discussions/ arrangements are involved.

I have some old friends at a distance that benefit from modern communications. We keep up with each others lives, and do meet up occasionally because we still feel in touch. Without modern media, distance might have caused the friendships to fizzle.

You don't have to have every Tom Dick and Harry. You can control who sees what, so my aquaintences don't see the same things as most of my friends. You can hide and unfollow. You choose what you share. You don't have to share photos of your dinner to 1000 people!

WeeBeasties · 31/12/2017 14:31

Why are people saying they don't want SM because they value their privacy? Just don't post anything personal, or anything at all. It's not difficult.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 14:31

Because they don't understand how it works.