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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

331 replies

WinterAx · 30/12/2017 22:31

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

OP posts:
MustBeThursday · 31/12/2017 10:03

So she'll likely be approaching 26 by the time the baby is born even if she got pregnant straight away?

That's not really young to have a baby. I had my first at 25, I'd been with my DH for a similar amount of time as your daughter. She's in a much better position than we were if they're already homeowners.

brizzledrizzle · 31/12/2017 10:03

@magimedi

20 years ago I was told I was too old to be having my first, I was 30.

JustTheTip · 31/12/2017 10:07

I was 20 when I had mine. I personally would want to have one after I turned 30 so I think 24 is perfect.

secretnutter · 31/12/2017 10:08

Seriously?! YABU because she's an adult and more so because TTC and having a child is obviously something they've decided they want to do, as adults, in a loving, stable, soon to be official relationship!!
I was 24 when I had DC1, 28 for DC2, we couldn't be happier with our decision to start our family at that age!

ScarfAndGlassesgirl · 31/12/2017 10:12

Yabu
I was married at 23 had first DC at 26 but had been TTC since immediately following my wedding
It was mine and dh choice absolutely zero business of anyone else so butt out!!!

BoucleJacket · 31/12/2017 10:28

Just echoing magimedi - when I had mine in the 1980s anyone over 26 who was having their first baby was referred to as an "elderly prima gravida" on their notes Grin

So it was the absolute norm to have babies in your early twenties.

I remember the doctor saying that physically the peak time for having babies was about 16-17 actually.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/12/2017 10:31

As you say her fiancé is older and probably doesn't want to be an older Dad. You know yabu, it's up to them as adults when they have children.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/12/2017 10:33

I remember the doctor saying that physically the peak time for having babies was about 16-17 actually.

Doctors do sometimes talk rot, however. I don't think it was the norm to have babies in your early 20s in the 80s, but as now it possibly depended on who you know.

ColdThisWinter · 31/12/2017 10:36

If it helps I had DD at 24. I still completed my MA, bought a house, have published books, have a small but close knit group of friends, still travel, run my own business, etc. It hasn’t changed any of the goals I had upon graduating, not stopped me reaching them. Instead DD is a part of a wonderful, loving family and has a rich and vibrant life that would not be the same without her. In fact, in many ways I’ve worked harder as I want her to know how strong and brave women can be. And I knew how to do this because I had parents and grandparents that had done this themselves at a far younger age than I was!

And you know you’ll love that baby whenever they come along.

OhHolyFuck · 31/12/2017 10:36

Has OP been back?

Brokenbiscuit · 31/12/2017 10:51

I don't think it was the norm to have babies in your early 20s in the 80s, but as now it possibly depended on who you know.

Yes, indeed. Social class has a significant influence on the age at which people choose to have their first babies, as does maternal education. So the "norm" is likely to vary significantly, depending on your social circle.

SilverBirchTree · 31/12/2017 11:18

I’m with you OP. 24 is so young! She’ll miss out on other experiences...

Chattymummyhere · 31/12/2017 11:27

Everyone always bangs on about “experiences” but she’s 24 not 18. She’s had time to go clubbing if that’s her thing, she could of traveled the world by now if she wanted too. She’s in a long term relationship, owns a house, has a good job and is getting married. Sounds like she has her head screwed on.

Not everybody wants those experiences either some people are homebodies and their ideal life is having a family they have no interest in clubbing or travelling the world everyone’s different.

PinkyBlunder · 31/12/2017 11:28

When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet,

How did your 24 year old DD not tell you to jog on?! Forcing your opinion like that on me, especially about a private life decision she chose to share with you, would have got you removed from my presence immediately!

I’m sure she feels so supported by her DM right now Hmm you may want to watch that as the more you judge and ‘give your opinions’ the more she will be pushing you away.

Are you one of these parents that only agrees with your adult children doing things the way you did by chance?

WrittenandGrown · 31/12/2017 11:33

I find it weird that an adult would their mother (or anyone else) they were planning to have unprotected sex after their wedding. These decisions are private between the couple involved.

Enidthecat · 31/12/2017 11:33

Like what silver

Jaygee61 · 31/12/2017 11:36

OP do you feel that you had children too young and that you never ‘got your life back’ afterwards, or that your career was harmed irreparably? Or perhaps you had them later and felt that that worked out better for you personally so you want the same for your daughter? Or do you have doubts at the back of your mind about her choice of partner and don’t want her to be tied to him with a child at such a young age?

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 31/12/2017 11:37

Yabu... she's in a v stable environment.for a baby. Dh and I met when I was 18 and he was 26, married at 21, dd1 that same year, and dd2 when I was 24. We only have decent jobs/home now. There is a wistful part of me on tough days that wonders how a few married years without babies might have been, but am certain it wouldn't have compared to the joy our babies have bought us.

SandyY2K · 31/12/2017 11:42

I understand how you feel. I'd feel the same tbh. I'm close to my DDs... so I might just express what I see being the 'cons' of it... but ultimately I'd leave it to her.

I see so many couples who got together and had a family at a young age..later feeling they've missed out.

The difference here is he's not that young... so he may want to get a move on.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/12/2017 11:52

Are you one of these parents that only agrees with your adult children doing things the way you did by chance?

And pinky are you one of those people who can't accept people have different views and have a right to voice them? I don't see the need for nastiness tbh.

The OP knows it's none of her business, but it's not what she expected. In time when fingers crossed her little GC arrive she'll probably love be a younger granny than she anticipated. Because there are advantages and disadvantages to different choices.

I'd worry a bit if it was one of my dds, the younger mums with older DH's that I know who didn't establish their own careers are quite financially dependent. Now again I accept that someone will pop up in a minute with a story of a successful career later, but it doesn't work out for everyone.

Thehogfather · 31/12/2017 11:54

Why do some people feel the need to criticise people who chose to have dc within the normal age range, but at a different age to them? I can only think it's insecurity.

It's become common now to have children later, and it isn't necessary to say 20's are too young to prove it's acceptable to be an older mother too.

I can only think some people are insecure about their choices if they have to put down somebody's different choice.

I don't feel any need to list only the disadvantages of leaving it till later to convince myself it was better to be a young mum. I'm secure enough to realise whether it's younger or older, both have their own advantages and disadvantages and 'best' is only applicable on an individual level.

I was a young mum, end of. I don't need to pretend mid 30's is old and early 40's is wrong so I can tell myself I was the correct age. I was the correct age for me personally. By the same rule if you've left it till later I don't need to be too young to justify your decision.

And yy about late teens being the peak physical time. It's just emotionally/ socially harder, as I imagine it is at the other far end of the age range where the physical difficulties surrounding pregnancy can make it harder emotionally.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/12/2017 11:58

I was the correct age for me personally

In think this ^^ in the end is all that matters really. I always think in some ways I left it till my 30s because I was never that maternal Grin

LookMoreCloselier · 31/12/2017 12:28

I was pregnant with my first at 24, and was 25 when he was born. I don't think I was too young, because none of my friends had children I still went out on nights out, DH and I had meals out, drinks at home and we went on holiday. I was 30 when pregnant with our 2nd and since then we have less holidays, nights out etc. Mainly because all our friends have young children also and it is difficult for everyone to be well at the same time, have babysitters and even the energy. As I found motherhood so much easier mid 20s, I didn't need so much sleep and was generally more energetic. If I had had all my children in my 30s I wouldn't know any different. So YABU, at 24/25 she is most definitely an adult and there is a lot to be said for being younger when having a family and regaining your life in your 40s for travelling etc.

PinkyBlunder · 31/12/2017 12:31

And pinky are you one of those people who can't accept people have different views and have a right to voice them?

Actually I believe no one has the right to voice their opinion regarding someone else’s life decisions unless they’re expressly asked. That’s not an opinion or advice, that’s a judgement.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/12/2017 12:34

But families do have conversations pinky you sound like hard work. The issue is when people don't accept others decisions but continue to judge and criticise.