In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

[WinterAx]

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

I had my first at 24 . We weren’t married but has been together 5 years . I don’t regret having her at that age.

Please don't say anything. If it happens quickly, imagine how it will be for her feeling that the most wonderful thing in the world is a disappointment to you.

There are lots of advantages to being younger parents and she is in a stable relationship with financial stability and 24 is not that young.

Nowadays I think 24 is young. None of my friends were even engaged at that age

Your twenties are your most fertile time and the right time biologically to have a baby, plus it might not happen overnight.

You can still have a life with kids. I have two little ones and my social life has never been fuller. I work part time. I still manage to go to the gym 2/3 times a week ( I go to one with a Crèche), go out for nice meals ( nice grandparents that babysit) and have regular holidays ( ok so not the Maldives). If they both have good careers the will have the disposable income to do all that, especially if you are a supportive grandparent.

Definitely none of your business and you are wise to stay out of it. My dh and I got pregnant with our first when we'd been married about 7 months. I was 31 and he was 25. We'd been together 4 years, had been through a lot just to be together and be married (we live in different countries, were long distance for 2 years, had to go through nightmarish immigration experiences to be together and create a family life, etc.). But we had a solid relationship, good secure professional lives with all the fancy degrees and bells and whistles, good health, etc. My mum's reaction when I told her was, 'Was this planned?!?' Like literally I was a grown woman with a successful career and professional degrees and a happy marriage and she made me feel like I was 16. Don't do that.

At 24, no, I wouldn't have been ready. But my dh was. Everyone's different. That said, it's very likely this may have nothing to do with her age and everything to do with you letting go. Obviously, I was in my 30s and my mum still couldn't cope. Needless to say, when we started talking about our 2nd, I was 36 (now 37 and pregnant) and her reaction was the same. "Oh, you should wait, what's the rush. I hope you aren't serious about having another so soon!" I'm nearly 40 and there's a 5 year age gap between our dc! Sometimes it's hard to let go, but that's your job as a parent. Unless you feel she's being abused or going along with something against her will or she outright asks you have you feel about it, you have to just keep your mouth shut and support her decisions.

I don't think planning to start trying for a baby 9 MONTHS HENCE and after they marry ffs is a "sudden rush"

I had my children in my 20s and it has been the making of me. Ny life did not end when I had DC and I still go out (drinking if I want) with friends and have hobbies. I am currently a SAHM but looking forward to a proper retraining and return to work when the time is right.

DH is 34 and his age has become a consideration as we are thinkig of ttc #4, so I imagine if her future DH is already 33 and they want more children then, yes, his age will be a consideration.

I'm quite envious of friends of a similar (mid-40s) age who have children who are going off to Uni now. They're in a good position to offer a bit of financial support, young and healthy enough to have a full and fun life and are more likely to see their DC establish careers, get married, be around to get to know their grandchildren.

I'd definitely start a family earlier if I could go back and do it again!

Me too @WhatWouldTheDoctorDo

Yabu. She would
Probably be more like 25-26 by the time a baby is conceived then born so that's really not that young. I had DD at 26 and I'm glad I started youngish as I've been able to get my career back on track in my early thirties.

I'm 65 and 24 sounds quite a good age to start a baby, that was considered quite mature when I was young and having mine. Many had babies at 18 or thereabouts (many left school at 16).
Swings and roundabouts. If both the couple are keen to have a baby they should go for it imv.

God almighty, she's an adult woman with a home and an income. Not exactly a child bride

I'm so sick of the increased infantilisation of 20 somethings that I see at the minute. It's not some sort of extended adolescence.

I am 30 next year and will probably start a family soon. Lots of my friends from school had their children in their early twenties, these children are now at school and these women are starting to build up their careers. The baby days are well behind them and in terms of lifestyle they’re now able to go on holidays and weekends away more frequently. They’re starting college courses and careers in the knowledge that they can become established without any breaks. I have done some travel and moved up the property ladder but havent made headway in my career until very recently.

I have to say I think there is some mileage in having children younger. I am at the point where my career will take off if I spend a few more years at work uninterrupted but it will make any part time working much more difficult and mean I have to delay a family (which I’m not keen on for health reasons). In short I feel being older means I have to make more of a ‘choice’ of career v family whereas when you are younger this is to a lesser extent. Maybe it’s a case of wanting what you don’t have but I don’t think it’s as straightforward as having children young being a poorer choice.

I’m 24, DP is 28. Whilst we don’t really do partying and binge drinking, we are big on travelling and having disposable income/saving to buy a property. Children is not on the cards for us, and marriage we are aiming for at a leisurely pace. For me, the idea of babies at my age is alarming to me.

I admit that not everyone has had my life though! I have plenty of friends who are 24/25 and are either married or have babies or both. Whilst for me, I couldn’t imagine that, they are very happy with their lives and their choice and I’m happy for them and would never try and subscribe them to my lifestyle.

I was 24 and now she is mid teens and my second early teens I almost have my life back. Love being a mum, I'm a young ish mum in many ways and I have a good career again. 24 was perfect for me and very planned

I'm similar to your DD (though don't tell my DM my plans!). I got married at 24 (DH 27) and we were TTC earlier this year but I've now got a promotion so we've stopped for a while. I'm nearly 26 so the odds are I'll be pushing 27-28 before we have a baby now. We've been together 6 years, are in our second (mortgaged) home together which could easily be a forever home, both in stable careers etc. Personally I would far rather have a child in my 20's/early 30's than the first in mid to late 30's. I think we only want one, but doing it earlier gives us the time to change our minds. We often go on two holidays a year, we've been painting the house using Farrow and Ball and bought Laura Ashley accessories etc, own our cars outright, buy coffees from coffee shops a few times a week etc. I'm sure we will have to cut back, but you cut your cloth as to what you have at the time. Half of why we are delaying is my new job gets us an extra £500 net in the bank each month so we can save up that bit more, but otherwise we'd be TTC still now and it's definitely not too early for us IMO. Lots of my friends are still single at my age so I can see why people may think it is, but we're all different.

Honestly I think she’s sensible. She’s at peak fertility and will have plenty of energy to chase the kids around. I kind of wish I’d started sooner! Also, once they’re adults she’ll only be in her 40s, so still plenty of time to enjoy life, travel or do whatever she wants.

Nearly 40 years ago I was 26 when I had my first DC.

I was told by my GP that I was quite old to be having my first and when on the maternity ward afterwards (6 beds) I was the oldest woman there by some years.

How things change!

I was married at 25 (DH 24) and it wasn’t til we were married 2 yrs that we decided to TTC (we’d bought a house and decided to prioritise socialising and holidays, generally having a ball). Life takes some turns and we finally brought our baby home just before our 7th anniversary.
YABU but really I can see where you’re coming from. Fair enough they’re not children and it is possible to holiday and socialise once children are in the picture but it is more difficult and means relying on other people a lot more.

Too soon for who? You or your DD. We were married at 21 and started TTC straight after we got married. It's a good job we didn't delay because in the end it turned out my husband had a low sperm count due to an operation he'd had has a child, I have immune issues and it took us 7 years and 6 cycles of IVF to get pregnant.

Some people want children straight away, it doesn't mean they're missing out on anything it means they're taking a different route to someone who doesn't and quite frankly what your daughter does with her life has absolutely nothing to do with you.

I met DH at 15, married at 20 and bought a house, first child at 23, second and third at 27 and 29. Hysterectomy at 33.

I am so glad I had my children when I did!

People assume they can just decide to have a baby and have one. As someone battling infertility I know different. I started TTC and 27 and am now 30 with no sign of a baby anywhere in the near future. In my opinion if they feel ready to have a baby they shouldnt waste any time. How would you feel if they left it until mid 30s then encountered problems? You’d be gutted for them I reckon. It’s also none of your business when she TTC, she’s a adult who can make that decision for herself.

My mother encouraged me in my decision not to have children at all! I'm perfectly happy without them.

Please don't say anything. Firstly, it's none of your business, and secondly it could take her a while - you just don't know. I remember my DM and DSis wading in and both telling me (making it clear that they'd discussed it together), that they though DH and I shouldn't be trying for a 2nd DC until we had a house sorted. The fact that I was 36, DH was 40, we'd been married for 5 years and DS1 was 2 years old seemed to be irrelevant to them. I was irritated that they thought it was any of their business. Plus, we didn't actually move into our own house until I was 40, so if we'd taken their advice and waited we might've missed the boat completely!

It is actually a great age to have kids. Different life choices. Think of how young she might still be when the dc are more independent. And having dc is clearly the opportunity she or they both want as a priority. Hope it works out for them. And try to get on board with whatever it is she does, your love and positive non-judgemental approval will still be very important.

YABU. It's their choice and not yours, they have been together for a while and have a home and careers etc.

Is your concern because they are not yet married?