Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with my controlling BIL?

238 replies

LaurieF · 29/12/2017 17:48

Sorry this may be a long one but don't want to drop feed!

DSIL AND DBIL have no kids of their own. They have always done lots with our kids, cinema trips, days out, weeks away etc. strange thing is that everything has to be a massive surprise and we are never allowed to tell the kids where they are taking them. I once told them by accident as I didn't realise it was meant to be a secret. BIL kicked off saying I spoilt the night etc.

Fast forward to last Friday and the kids let slip that BIL had told them what their big Xmas pressie was. I wasn't too happy. They were due to take them to the cinema (as a surprise of course) Friday night. When they arrived to pick them up I asked BIL if he has told them about their present. He went pretty nuclear, hurt that I would think that etc. I've had the same story from.both kids in separate rooms so know they aren't lying. He then turned round to kids told then he had booked cinema tickets and wouldn't be taking them anywhere, shouted at them, and walked out. DD (8) sobbed for an hour, DS (13) sat in his room and wouldn't come out.

Xmas day they usually come to us for presents. DH got a phone call at 10am telling him they weren't coming but he was invited to go to them for the morning as long as "she" ie me... wasn't coming too. Both kids refused to go without me so we again invited them to us. DSIL came alone and left in tears as BIL had said he wasnt willing to ever see his neice and nephew ever again.

So now MIL also hates me because she has only heard his side of this, DH has asked me not to bring it up with his mum again because she will get upset, DSIL has no chance to see the kids and I am the complete villain of the piece

AIBU to be absolutely fuming still???

And a little thankyou to anyone who read the whole essay!!!

OP posts:
Eatalot · 30/12/2017 17:23

So let me get this straight bil spoils present. Lies about doing so. Blames you op. Want kids to take his side over their own mum- ie come over but dont bring her- the kids are like fuck that not going without mum. Bil throws hissy fit over this. He sounds unhinged. Keep him away from your children. Fuck dp why should mil be led to believe you are to blame. Id expect more support from dp.

shatteredandfedup · 30/12/2017 17:36

I also assumed BIL was the sibling.

Your DH needs to understand that BIL's behaviour is dodgy as fuck - and your MIL should know about it so she can support her DD. Hopefully his odd ways are just odd. But if they do point to a dangerously controlling and manipulative nature SIL may need the support of the family at some point. He shouldn't keep MIL in the dark.

bastardkitty · 30/12/2017 17:40

I would just treat any future invitations with a brisk 'ah thanks but no thanks - we will all be needing a proper (xmas) meal'. People who don't like hosting and don't cater - why do they invite people when they are inherently inhospitable?

bastardkitty · 30/12/2017 17:41

Whoops - totally wrong thread - sorry Blush

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/12/2017 17:54

I think it would be good if your DH read this thread. Even if your BIL isn’t grooming your DC in the paedophilic sense, he is grooming them in the emotionally abusive sense. He is punishing them for showing loyalty and trust in their own parents. He is presenting himself as the great benefactor who must not be upset and trying to force your DC to choose between him and you.
Whatever his motives, he is not acting in your DC’s best interests and could do them a lot of emotional damage.

Original poster
LaurieF · 30/12/2017 18:07

YES to presenting himself as the great benefactor! It's always got to be about his ego. When SIL came round Xmas morning with gifts it was obvious that they had spent double what we had on DC. Really don't want to sound ungrateful here but it was just obscene!

To be clear on the invite for Christmas day - it wasn't the full day, just a couple of hours of coffee and present swapping. We had MIL and FIL round for Xmas dinner so I was busy cooking but still didn't appreciate DH agreeing to leave me alone for a couple of hours while he took the kids down there! I'm not sure what he would have done if the kids hadn't refused to go which makes me pretty sad to be honest!
As far as the grooming suggestions go I honestly don't think there is anything bad going on except for him wanting to be in control of everyone's feelings. I've spoken to both kids separately now about secrets/bad things etc. DS13 is still insistent that he hates his uncle. DD8 now just seems a bit sad Angry
I will be keeping him well away from him, I just can't trust that he won't blow up at them again without me there to protect them from that x

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurieF · 30/12/2017 18:14

@airandmungbeans thank you xxx

OP posts:
stiffstink · 30/12/2017 18:50

So he was actually going to go with the kids without you? Fucking hell, is he easily hypnotised by others?

Rainbunny · 30/12/2017 19:44

I think it's clear that the dynamic between your BIL and you, your DH and your DC has to change immediately. You and your DH need to present a strong and united front towards your BIL in how you deal with him/how you allow him to interact with your DC. You both call the shots, not the BIL and he needs to start respecting that fact. He has no right or entitlement to time/activities with your DC.

I would also be reading him the riot act about his temper tantrum at them last Friday. I would make it crystal clear that there are NO SECRETS between your DC and you & DH - NEVER! If he asked them to keep it a secret that he told them what your big Christmas present would be, then he had absolutely no right to do so and if he ever blows up again at your DC because they were truthful to you and your DH then he is gone!

Apologies if I'm repeating what others have already said!

vwlphb · 30/12/2017 19:56

It’s a sad thing when children have a better understanding of loyalty than their father does, especially with the temptation of gifts and a shitload of emotional blackmail thrown in the mix.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 30/12/2017 20:07

If your BiL genuinely cared about your children, he certainly wouldn't behave in such a pathetic way. His behaviour reminds me of some of the abusive ex threads that I've read on MN, and he's not even their father!

Gemini69 · 30/12/2017 20:29

OP.. you've explored the Child Protection aspect... don't feel you over stepped the mark .. you had to check on this ... now you can focus on simply keeping the Buffoon out their lives .. Your BIL has destroyed any relationship he believed he had with both your Kids... and he only has himself to blame for that ..

would he be around after school... without you being there ? to speak to your daughter or your Son... ? to make it up to them .... him seeing them without you being there would be so wrong.. after what has happened ...

just a thought OP Flowers

buttfacedmiscreant · 30/12/2017 20:45

I generally think most people are good, or have some good in them. BUT the whole point of grooming (sexual or otherwise) is that it starts in such a small way that no-one has a problem with and it builds up little bit by little bit.

buttfacedmiscreant · 30/12/2017 20:47

I'd explore with DH why he was ok with BIL polarising you in that way. Was he taken in too? United we stand and all that.

gingergenius · 30/12/2017 21:53

If it helps any OP, I have had very difficult/estranged relationship with my own brother. He reached out after many years, saying he wanted to develop a relationship with my kids (he has none). We were due to meet at a science exhibition and my kids (who'd only met him twice) were v excited.
He bailed on them last minute.

I spent a long time wondering what I'd done to offend him. Now I don't give two shiny shits because he hurt my kids and he can now go to hell (and I'm talking 20+ years of him picking me up, putting me down and me doing the 'pick me' dance)

He hurt your kids. You are mama tiger and they know you've got their backs. End of x

OnTheRise · 31/12/2017 09:47

OP..how was this man able to hold such sway over you, to the extent of you prioritising his wishes for your children over your own. You have always felt uncomfortable, why did you ignore this? I don'task this question to blame you, but to encourage you to be more aware in the future. Our vigilance as parents, our ability to trust our instincts and act in the interests of our children is what keeps them safe. There isn't always danger everywhere, but there is always danger somewhere.

It's that grooming behaviour, all over again.

Consider how we're taught to be polite, and to treat others kindly. Abusers take advantage of that because they can be reasonably sure that the people they abuse will be too polite and kind to call them out on their bad behaviour and cause a scene. It's a social obligation that most of us honour. Abusers take advantage of that social obligation by kicking off and upsetting people whenever things don't go their way, until those around them feel like they're constantly tiptoeing around on egg-shells in an effort not to upset them, just in case they go off on one again.

It's how they get power over their victims. By making them so anxious that bad things will happen if they speak out; and by blaming them for the bad things ("If you hadn't done XYZ I wouldn't have lost my temper! It's all your fault!").

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/12/2017 12:10

I think people sometimes get hung up on the word grooming and it’s associations with Child Sex Abuse. If you change it to “conditioned” or “trained” then it might be easier to recognise what he was doing.
He conditioned you to allow him to play the benefactor role. Through his rages he trained you to keep secrets from your children. He is trying to condition / train your children that their first loyalty should be to him by withdrawing gifts and trips if they report back to you in away that reflects negatively on him. He has trained your DH’s family to put his feelings first, hence the requirement that you were excluded didn’t cause your DH to go apeshit.
He is an utterly toxic puppet master and I think you should grab this opportunity to distance yourselves with both hands.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 31/12/2017 14:48

I can't agree with you enough here!!!!It's very obvious to strangers that something is off with this dude!

littletinyme1 · 31/12/2017 18:43

As per my previous posts...don't minimise the potential danger this man and his behaviour represents to your children. It is reassuring that you are now more aware. I can only imagine how relieved you are that there seems to have been nothing amiss. However, you need to discuss his behaviour and your concerns for you children with them to make them aware of how far his behaviour, pretty much about most things, was unacceptable.
The louder they shout (abusers) the more they have to hide. Make it clear to this man that you are watching him very carefully and act swiftly as needed, even to the extent of being rude. 'I've explained to the children that secrets are not an acceptable part of healthy relationships BIL. It is important to us that our children feel empowered rather than under the control of others. I am sure you understand why we feel like this as parents'' smile kindly. Are you husbands boundaries clear?

BashStreetKid · 01/01/2018 13:08

He will certainly be back with magnanimous offers to carry on treating the children provided you're a good little girl and toe the line, and if you carry on resisting he'll try to involve your mother and your DH. I hope your DH is ready to back you up 100%.

NettleTea · 01/01/2018 13:44

you say MIL is sensitive - what is SIL like? Could it be that SIL was 'difficult' and MIL is just relieved that someone has taken her off her hands. The kinds of people who are liable to fall under the spell of a Narc often have them within their own family - so its a role they recognise. My ex husband. My mum. bit too similar in some aspects.

is MIL a little bit narc herself, is this why nobody must upset her? Narcs are often very good at flattering other narcs, they know what makes them tick, and if SIL was succeptible to MIL, then 2 of them reinforcing isnt great.

Ruffian · 01/01/2018 13:53

Well that's a sad but very useful lesson to your dc that people who appear generous and 'fun' can be hiding a much darker side. You are all much better off keeping away from this deeply unpleasant person.

Notevilstepmother · 01/01/2018 14:18

This rings so many alarm bells.

What makes you think he spoilt the surprise by accident?

It sounds deliberate to me.

Your DH needs someone to have strong words with him, these are your children, and this man isn’t a good person for them to have around.

He is certainly emotionally abusive, he may or may not be grooming them for other abuse, either way, just keep them away from him, and make sure your SIL can keep safe too.

Bindibot · 01/01/2018 15:51

I wonder if the polarisation of views here is because reasonable people who have lived happy lives assume that most people are good, while people who have lived through abuse recognise how it starts, often in plain sight.

I can’t remember ever seeing it put better. A few years ago I would have been a poster saying but he’s fammmily…then saw the way a friends Mum treated her.

His behaviour what ever his end game is creep as hell

emmyrose2000 · 06/01/2018 07:36

As mental as he is I can't imagine him spoiling the kids Christmas on purpose?
Yet he did make that conscious decision to do so.

DH just wants to draw a line under it and carry on as normal but I'm still so upset that his mum doesn't know the full story of what happened

Your H is pathetic. Why is he more concerned with BIL's feelings than those of his very own children? There is no way in hell I'd sit back and allow my name to be besmirched like that because my spouse doesn't have any balls to do the right thing. If he wouldn't tell MIL the truth, I'd damn well make sure I did.

Under no circumstances would BIL be seeing my children ever again, for any reason. And if MIL continued to support BIL, then she'd be cut off too.