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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with my controlling BIL?

238 replies

LaurieF · 29/12/2017 17:48

Sorry this may be a long one but don't want to drop feed!

DSIL AND DBIL have no kids of their own. They have always done lots with our kids, cinema trips, days out, weeks away etc. strange thing is that everything has to be a massive surprise and we are never allowed to tell the kids where they are taking them. I once told them by accident as I didn't realise it was meant to be a secret. BIL kicked off saying I spoilt the night etc.

Fast forward to last Friday and the kids let slip that BIL had told them what their big Xmas pressie was. I wasn't too happy. They were due to take them to the cinema (as a surprise of course) Friday night. When they arrived to pick them up I asked BIL if he has told them about their present. He went pretty nuclear, hurt that I would think that etc. I've had the same story from.both kids in separate rooms so know they aren't lying. He then turned round to kids told then he had booked cinema tickets and wouldn't be taking them anywhere, shouted at them, and walked out. DD (8) sobbed for an hour, DS (13) sat in his room and wouldn't come out.

Xmas day they usually come to us for presents. DH got a phone call at 10am telling him they weren't coming but he was invited to go to them for the morning as long as "she" ie me... wasn't coming too. Both kids refused to go without me so we again invited them to us. DSIL came alone and left in tears as BIL had said he wasnt willing to ever see his neice and nephew ever again.

So now MIL also hates me because she has only heard his side of this, DH has asked me not to bring it up with his mum again because she will get upset, DSIL has no chance to see the kids and I am the complete villain of the piece

AIBU to be absolutely fuming still???

And a little thankyou to anyone who read the whole essay!!!

OP posts:
TheNoseyProject · 29/12/2017 19:57

You DH needs to open his eyes to this and make v clear to his sister that her partner is in the wrong and has permanently changed your families relationship with him while also making clear that she is not in the wrong. Poor woman, imagine living with someone that volatile.

Why is mil so invested in bil when he’s not her son?

greenapplesplatter · 29/12/2017 19:57

I'd hazard a guess that BIL is the 'golden child' - MIL sees no wrong in him, used to calling the shots, everything is fine as long as things are the way he wants them to be. Am I correct?

If so all it boils down to is that somebody has called him out on something (regardless of how trivial) and he's chucked his teddy out of the pram like a petulant child.

We have had exactly the same with BIL (DH's twin). Years of everyone going along with him & what he wants etc. He & DH came to blows over day something trivial, I stopped biting my tongue & told him a few home truths. Hasn't spoke to us since, that was 4 years ago. Ran to MIL to tell his side (twisting everything in the process) & then when DH spoke to her she put her hand up & said 'I don't want to know'. I think MIL thought it would all sort itself out & now regrets not hearing both sides at the time. No skin off my nose, he got on my tits anyway!

I don't think it will do your kids any harm to take a step back from them tbh OP. They sound far too invested in your children.

AirandMungBeans · 29/12/2017 19:57

The whole secrets thing rings big alarm bells for me. No one should be telling someone else's children to keep secrets. I can't help but get the impression that he is grooming you and them to view secrets as a normal thing. Especially as he reacted the way he did, punishing the children for telling you. All they learnt from that is to not tell their mum things they have been asked to keep quiet. That is a huge deal! From a safeguarding point of view I would keep them well away from him.

TheNoseyProject · 29/12/2017 19:59

greenapples bil is partner of dh’s sister so not mil son.

Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 20:00

I'd also be very aware that he's just given your kids one hell of a lesson in how severe the punishment is for tattling to mum and dad even about something so minor. Given that he's obvious not the most stable person already and heavily into control, it would be naive not to think ahead to what may happen in the future that the kids would now be afraid to tell you

SPOT ON .....

Changeusername · 29/12/2017 20:02

I agree with air . When i was reading your post, i thought the same thing im afraid. Keep him away.

Hoppinggreen · 29/12/2017 20:03

Sounds like classic Narc behaviour.
I know it’s over diagnosed on here but growing up in a family of them I’m pretty good at spotting the signs
He was being the hero uncle “performance uncle-ing” if you like. He probably never cared about your dc and only wanted the family’s gratitude and adulation for being so great
As you have seen as soon as he is challenged he goes into a typical narc range and blames everyone else
He would eventually have turned on your dc as soon as they started to develop identities of their own and didn’t totally hero worship him so he’s done you all a favour really and saved your dc from that
DH and the rest of the family have enabled him and continue to do so as they have been conditioned for too long so now you are the bad guy.
You need to get DH on side if possible but don’t be surprised if it’s very difficult as standing up,to someone like your bil is very very hard

zzzzz · 29/12/2017 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyKingdomForBrie · 29/12/2017 20:06

Very weird that MIL has taken his side!!

Petalflowers · 29/12/2017 20:07

He sounds like a spoilt brat who gets petulant when he don’t get his own way.

Bluetrews25 · 29/12/2017 20:08

Perhaps OPs DCs should be involved with the explanation to MIL, as she would find it hard to ignore what they say.
Agree ++ with PPs on the 'this is how you get punished by not keeping secrets' thing. Very scary.
Hope you manage to maintain relationship with SIL - sounds like she might need support at some point.

RainbowWish · 29/12/2017 20:08

The fact that he isn't DHs brother seems to make it even worse. It seems to give it more of an alterier motive. Confused
Something just seems a bit strange. It does sound like Air may have hit the nail on the head.
How long has he been with sil?

fc301 · 29/12/2017 20:09

OP I'm afraid BarbarianMum was spot on.
Nasty emotionally abusive behaviour. Very dangerous to expose your DC to this. He & SIL should NEVER have them alone again. He's only got to drip poison about you into a teenage ear to cause untold problems.
There will be NO APOLOGISING.
Your DH needs to STEP UP.
Google the FOG - you are stuck in it.

Lofari · 29/12/2017 20:09

The fact she is the sibling to your DH and not him makes his behaviour ring even more alarm bells OP.

LouHotel · 29/12/2017 20:09

Your BIL is batshit but your DH needs to clear the air with your MIL. Its not fair that your the villian but i also think what another poster said that maybe yiur MIL knows he's volatile and is thinking in a messed up way about her daughters well being and once you to apologise to him to clear the air.

What is your FIL like and his relationship with MIL? Has SIL married someone similar?

mygorgeousmilo · 29/12/2017 20:10

My now NC sister was like this. So highly strung and immature, would treat the kids in bizzare and nasty ways as punishment to their parents/grandparents/whoever pissed her off. Cut them out. Your DH is pathetic if he doesn’t defend your postition!

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 20:11

He has been around a lot longer than me, think 20 years vs my meagre 10 years... so has integrated himself into the family a lot more. He is very much the model SIL on the face of it whereas I can sometimes get myself in trouble by speaking my mind and not being very good at biting my tongue. MIL is very sensitive so we do tend to clash a lot which is probably why she has taken his side.

DH is very peaceful and laid back, not very good at confrontation. One of the things that attracted me to him in the first place as he is so easy to live with but not quite as good when you need someone to fight your corner!!

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 29/12/2017 20:14

Without wanting to be alarmist OP - was it BIL & SIL who took the children out or just BIL?

How are your children now? Have they mentioned him?

Do they have mobile phones or social media?

greendale17 · 29/12/2017 20:14

DH just wants to draw a line under it and carry on as normal

^No way should your DH just brush this aside. He needs to stand up for you

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 29/12/2017 20:15

Oh wow!
Now that you have seen his true colors,I would NEVER allow that man to ever take your children anywhere.And if he can flip out on your children like that,then I would stop all contact,at least never unsupervised.

pudcat · 29/12/2017 20:15

My first thought would be what other secrets does or will he want your children to keep. Avoid like the plague.

Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 20:16

Protect your Kids from this Man OP Flowers

Rainbunny · 29/12/2017 20:21

Who the hell does your BIL think he is to be dictating his access and activities with YOUR children like has has been doing? You're well rid of him.

I'm sure he is somewhere seething about how ungrateful you are for all the things he has "done" for your children. I sense that he is the bossy one (bully!) of the family, I wonder about the relationship dynamic your DH has with him?

vwlphb · 29/12/2017 20:24

I'm fascinated to know how he has managed to spin this to your MIL in a way that paints him in a good light and you in a poor one!

He told your kids what their big present was (whether by accident or design), then kicked off like a baby when called on it, punishing the kids for his mistake. I honestly can't see how he can paint himself as the victim in that story.

KC225 · 29/12/2017 20:25

Gosh. What a can of worms. I agree with the above poster - now you have told us SIL is the sibling, it is even more shocking. I had assumed that the BIL had never been challenged on his behaviour and your DH had a history of caving on and non confrontation, not that he had married in. Your DH needs to contact his mother tell her what happened and back your corner. Is there a way he can contact his sister, meet her alone.

Who the hell is he to start dictating terms and trying to exclude you from your own kids on Christmas day (or any day). Life must be one big popularity test for him. Seesm this particular failed and your kids choose you. But what a strange position to put kids you supposedly love, in.

The actual 'incident' is proof of his lack of experience with kids. He may not have said you are getting XYZ model but kids are canny and a 6 or 7 year would work that out.

You are right to re-consider contact, should the situation improve. Your family can never give 100% after that. He does not decide what films, what surprises YOUR kids get. His behaviour had been appalling and he shouldn't get away with.

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