Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with my controlling BIL?

238 replies

LaurieF · 29/12/2017 17:48

Sorry this may be a long one but don't want to drop feed!

DSIL AND DBIL have no kids of their own. They have always done lots with our kids, cinema trips, days out, weeks away etc. strange thing is that everything has to be a massive surprise and we are never allowed to tell the kids where they are taking them. I once told them by accident as I didn't realise it was meant to be a secret. BIL kicked off saying I spoilt the night etc.

Fast forward to last Friday and the kids let slip that BIL had told them what their big Xmas pressie was. I wasn't too happy. They were due to take them to the cinema (as a surprise of course) Friday night. When they arrived to pick them up I asked BIL if he has told them about their present. He went pretty nuclear, hurt that I would think that etc. I've had the same story from.both kids in separate rooms so know they aren't lying. He then turned round to kids told then he had booked cinema tickets and wouldn't be taking them anywhere, shouted at them, and walked out. DD (8) sobbed for an hour, DS (13) sat in his room and wouldn't come out.

Xmas day they usually come to us for presents. DH got a phone call at 10am telling him they weren't coming but he was invited to go to them for the morning as long as "she" ie me... wasn't coming too. Both kids refused to go without me so we again invited them to us. DSIL came alone and left in tears as BIL had said he wasnt willing to ever see his neice and nephew ever again.

So now MIL also hates me because she has only heard his side of this, DH has asked me not to bring it up with his mum again because she will get upset, DSIL has no chance to see the kids and I am the complete villain of the piece

AIBU to be absolutely fuming still???

And a little thankyou to anyone who read the whole essay!!!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 29/12/2017 18:04

Why on earth are you letting a controlling and emotionally abusive man have a relationship with your children? Seriously, what is wrong with you? Why are you being friendly to him, inviting him to your house?

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 18:05

@hmmmmm yes it was a games console to share. He picked them up one day last week and mentioned that they would have to learn to share when they got the certain console... He knew what they were getting because we had mentioned games when they asked what they would lie for Xmas

OP posts:
UghFletcher · 29/12/2017 18:05

Well doesn't he just sound like a peach. Punishing the children because he is too much of a manchild himself.

Stand your ground, don't give in to him, do not apologise to him, do not go 'back to normal'. He needs to realise the consequences of his hissy fit and scaring your children enough to say they don't want to see him.

SIL and MIL should be adult enough to speak to you / see you & the children when they want and if they dance to his tune then it's their loss.

magoria · 29/12/2017 18:05

I would be having words with your DH.

Inform him that you will not be the bad guy, stay quiet and take the blame and you expect him to tell the truth to people and not let you be the fall guy.

That you expect him to help you protect your DC and put his nuclear family first.

LagunaBubbles · 29/12/2017 18:05

Draw a line under it? It's your DH you need to talk to, does he always put other people's feelings before yours in case he risks upsetting his family?

Fishface77 · 29/12/2017 18:06

Lucky escape op.
If your mil says anything, tell her what happened. If she tries to blame you say
like any mother I would expect you to take your sons side so we will say no more about it, but just so you and BIL are aware we are a family and will not tolerate anyone trying to divide us.
When she asks you to elaborate tell her clearly
My kids didn't want to go anywhere on Christmas Day without me. BIL tried to exclude me it didn't work.

And tell DH to have a word. Thank your luck stars your not your sil.

just5morepeas · 29/12/2017 18:07

Sounds like you're better off without him. I certainly wouldn't be letting them spend any time alone with him if he can loose it like that.

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 18:07

@barbarianmum slightly unfair I think... SIL is always there and she adores the kids they would always be safe with her. They are still family and for us to cut contact would cause absolute chaos with the rest of the family. He has done us a favour to be honest! He is very very rarely invited to our house and certainly won't be for the foreseeable!

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 29/12/2017 18:08

Wow, I think he's done you a favour by deciding to have no contact any longer.

If he can get that angry over a small thing he's done wrong... and take it out on children he supposedly cares about, imagine what he could do if he really lost his temper Hmm

Your DH needs to rethink his position if he wants to let everything go back to normal without some sort of apology from him.

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 18:09

@rainbowwish im looking forward to some cinema trips!! We used to get bollocked for taking them to see films that they wanted to take them to!!

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 29/12/2017 18:10

Why isn't your DH backing you up on this to the rest of the family?

Your kids are better off in the long term without this nasty controlling person in their lives.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 29/12/2017 18:11

Even if your DH can't stand up for you (which I would have major concerns with as it is) surely he can stand up for his children?

If he can't, then he isn't worth shit.

And neither is his family.

billybagpuss · 29/12/2017 18:12

How very odd, I'd let the dust settle a bit then make sure MIL knows what actually went on.

Somerford · 29/12/2017 18:12

I don't mean this in a confrontational way but I'm having a lot of trouble imaging this scenario. I don't understand how someone can go from taking your children out regularly, taking them on holiday and generally valuing them a great deal to wanting to cut contact forever more because of one fairly minor incident. Again, my intention is not to challenge your story but honestly it doesn't make sense. Is there more to this?

If that is the full story then I think your children are better off without him in their lives. There must be some major issues there for him to behave this way and you can't predict how those issues with manifest in future interactions with you and your family. It must be very upsetting to have him turn your DH's side of the family against you but if a clash is inevitable and unavoidable, I suppose all you can really do is prioritise the most important people. Your children are by far the most important people in all of this so if keeping them safe and happy means temporarily damaging your relationships with your in laws, so be it. That will get sorted in time I would imagine.

BarbarianMum · 29/12/2017 18:14

It would cause chaos with the rest of the family if you stand up to you BiL? And your dh won't stand up to him either? That tells me everything about the family dynamic I need to know and you were sending your kids to the cinema and on holiday with him?

Your SiL doesn't stand up to him for herself or for you, what makes you so sure she'll keep your kids safe from him?

QueenArseClangers · 29/12/2017 18:14

Fuck me, he sounds dangerous.

Keep your DC well away from the bastard.

RainbowWish · 29/12/2017 18:14

Wow OP you were not allowed to take your own kids to the cinema oh my!
Make sure you get your family the biggest bucket of popcorn and enjoy! FlowersGrin

BewareOfDragons · 29/12/2017 18:15

Is your BIL a hormonal 13 year old???

Jesus. What an abusive twat.

He clearly likes to view himself as the spontaneous 'hero', and couldn't stand having his self-image tattered by his spoiling your surprise. Apparently, you aren't allowed to give your own children bigger surprises than he is...? Sounds like that might have been why he told them perhaps?

Anyways, his behaviour is divisive and abusive. If your MIL is supporting him without hearing the whole story, so is she.

I would write them both off, tbh. Tell your DH to stand up for your family ffs!

hmmmmm · 29/12/2017 18:15

God this keeps getting better! You can't take your own dcs to the cinema? Why have you let him control You? He must be seething. What an awful man. Good job he doesn't have dcs.

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 18:15

@somerford not offended at all but honestly there is nothing else to this story. I was very careful to make sure I included all the details so not to drip feed. This was honestly all there was to it.
I'm pretty astounded by it all myself to be honest!!

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 29/12/2017 18:17

How childish and pathetic...they’re grown adults ffs!

saladdays66 · 29/12/2017 18:20

So your bio told your dc what YOUR Christmas pressie to them was?

And when you asked him about it, he lost his shit and threw his toys out of the pram? Complete overreaction.

He sounds batshit. Very controlling - why on earth does everything have to be a secret?

Don’t sweep things under the carpet - tell your mil what happened. He’s behaving like a real bellend.

StaplesCorner · 29/12/2017 18:22

DH just wants to draw a line under it and carry on as normal - OP NEVER let your children be alone with this man again, its your job to protect them from people like this. DH needs to give his head a little wobble; I'd be having very strong words with him.

ivykaty44 · 29/12/2017 18:23

Interesting that BIL doesn’t understand the dc loyalty to there mother - he has shouted at them and you, made you out to be the villain to cover his mistake - and guess what you have two dc that have been loyal to you there mother

BIL doesn’t get it and he is projecting on you as he’s not used to being called up on mistakes

He should have apologised as a decent human should

Wonder why he didn’t see fit to say sorry and move on?

Needmoresleep · 29/12/2017 18:25

Positive that your kids first backed you up and refused to go without you and now suggest they don't want to see him. Kids can be very perceptive and perhaps had already picked up on his controlling nature. I would take their views on board in future decisions. Presumably they wont want a falling out with your MIL and may still want to see SIL.