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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with my controlling BIL?

238 replies

LaurieF · 29/12/2017 17:48

Sorry this may be a long one but don't want to drop feed!

DSIL AND DBIL have no kids of their own. They have always done lots with our kids, cinema trips, days out, weeks away etc. strange thing is that everything has to be a massive surprise and we are never allowed to tell the kids where they are taking them. I once told them by accident as I didn't realise it was meant to be a secret. BIL kicked off saying I spoilt the night etc.

Fast forward to last Friday and the kids let slip that BIL had told them what their big Xmas pressie was. I wasn't too happy. They were due to take them to the cinema (as a surprise of course) Friday night. When they arrived to pick them up I asked BIL if he has told them about their present. He went pretty nuclear, hurt that I would think that etc. I've had the same story from.both kids in separate rooms so know they aren't lying. He then turned round to kids told then he had booked cinema tickets and wouldn't be taking them anywhere, shouted at them, and walked out. DD (8) sobbed for an hour, DS (13) sat in his room and wouldn't come out.

Xmas day they usually come to us for presents. DH got a phone call at 10am telling him they weren't coming but he was invited to go to them for the morning as long as "she" ie me... wasn't coming too. Both kids refused to go without me so we again invited them to us. DSIL came alone and left in tears as BIL had said he wasnt willing to ever see his neice and nephew ever again.

So now MIL also hates me because she has only heard his side of this, DH has asked me not to bring it up with his mum again because she will get upset, DSIL has no chance to see the kids and I am the complete villain of the piece

AIBU to be absolutely fuming still???

And a little thankyou to anyone who read the whole essay!!!

OP posts:
Saffronwblue · 29/12/2017 22:04

OP take the opportunity to put permanent distance between this man and your children.
Have a good hard look at how secrets and surprises are used in your family as a means of control. It puts huge pressure on dc to always be amazed and grateful. Let some openness flow around present giving and outings and it will make everything less intense.

FlashTheSloth · 29/12/2017 22:12

What a tosser. The secrets thing is very worrying. I wouldn't trust anyone who insisted on such secrecy, with you its not spoiling a surprise trip, with the kids it's.....who knows what.

Your DH needs to grow a backgone here. You stand to be ostracised because of 1 utter tosser and everyone enabling him. I'd be fucking fuming at anyone telling my children what their main Christmas present was. Bullshit that is just slipped out. I would bet money it was deliberate.

Tistheseason17 · 29/12/2017 22:14

I'm with @Gemini69

Red flags re grooming. Grooming can be done over many years.

Children should not have secrets and BIL knows you're on to him as he wants to exclude you. Classic.

I'm not saying he is doing this, but you need to consider the possibility as his behaviour is NOT normal.

And if he is just the common or garden narcissist then "great" but YOUR children are not his audience/accessories.

Difficult times. Support DIL but DC come first. Flowers

ToadsforJustice · 29/12/2017 22:21

Of course BIL ruined the Christmas surprise. It wasn’t his “secret” and so he had to get his revenge because the OP spoilt his surprise first.

flumpybear · 29/12/2017 22:23

That's just too controlling and weird, I wouldn't want my kids in his presence!!

Lindy2 · 29/12/2017 22:36

I wouldn't let this man be alone with my children for a single second ever again. I feel very, very uncomfortable with these secrets and his attempt to cause division between you and them. Stay well away and keep them well away too.

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 22:38

The grooming suggestions are worrying :( totally agree that I need to keep him away from them. Obviously don't have much choice at the moment but even if the situation improves the visits and trips out will NOT be continuing!

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 29/12/2017 22:40

On the upside, he could just be a narcisstic creep!
Just take a step back x

meercat23 · 29/12/2017 22:45

It is perhaps a bit telling that the grooming suggestions don't seem impossible to you. No-one, ever, should be encouraging a relationship in which they are allowed secrets with your children or where they claim rights of any kind over your children or their time or their activities.

In certain very limited circumstances I have had secrets with my grandchildren, e.g. lets make this as a surprise for Mummy, but if they couldn't keep the surprise there is no way in the world that it would be right or acceptable or even understandable to be angry with them about that.

Your BIL's actions are worrying strange and controlling. Whoever it upsets do what you think is right to protect them OP

gingergenius · 29/12/2017 22:50

Surprises yes. Secrets no.

That's how I've always worked with things like this. And no. I may have been privately disappointed if a surprise had been unleashed prematurely but never angry with my kids if it had burst out. his reaction has sinister undertones

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 22:52

I am doing. DD had stayed up late tonight as she wanted to watch the darts (!!). I've just put her to bed and had a little chat about secrets and how they aren't good and they don't count with mummy and daddy. Asked if anyone had ever done anything to upset her or hurt her and she said no so my mind has been put at rest a little.

OP posts:
HermionesRightHook · 29/12/2017 22:54

Agreeing with what everyone had said about secrets here. It isn't necessarily even a terrifying grooming thing but it is a means of control and isolation - exerting power over the children and over you just because he can. (though the alternative is a serious worry too.)

I urge you to ask the children what other secrets they've been asked to keep - let them know you won't be angry, you just need to know and then follow through on that. Scour all that dirty laundry with light and then keep the hell away from the mad bastard.

HermionesRightHook · 29/12/2017 22:55

Cross post! Exactly the right thing to do.

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 22:57

@Hermoines ive asked her if she has been asked to keep any secrets too and ahe also said no. She said the only thing her uncle has done thats "bad" is when he upset her last friday x

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 29/12/2017 22:58

This is the second thread I've read tonight where the adults have been totally out of order. Children don't need negativity and unpredictably in their lives which he appears to be displaying. He'll be the one loosing out in the long run.

Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 23:05

that's great OP.. keep the line of communication open and free flowing.. talk about how he made them feel... expressing it's okay to talk about how angry he got.... and how that affected them...

well done Flowers

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 23:09

@gemini69 thank you Flowers

OP posts:
ButteredScone · 29/12/2017 23:09

What has your DH had to say since you started this thread?

Your BIL's behaviour sound like it wants and needs control and creating dischord in your family is part of that. It could be very destructive.

If you and your DH don't show a totally united front, he will continue to go to town on you w MIL. This needs your DH to step up to protect the relationship between MiL and DCs/you if nothing else.

gingergenius · 29/12/2017 23:11

As long as your kids know that they can come to you, you (and they) will be fine.

As a previous poster said it sounds like he's having a narc rage. Your kids are safe with you. SIL will need help too but please be careful x

greenlynx · 29/12/2017 23:14

The whole secrets thing rings big alarm bells for me. No one should be telling someone else's children to keep secrets. I can't help but get the impression that he is grooming you and them to view secrets as a normal thing. Especially as he reacted the way he did, punishing the children for telling you. All they learnt from that is to not tell their mum things they have been asked to keep quiet. That is a huge deal! From a safeguarding point of view I would keep them well away from him.
This

His behaviour is very strange. I wouldn't want strange behaviour around my child.

Moussemoose · 29/12/2017 23:15

The issue with secrets is if one grown up is allowed secrets then other grown ups can too. So uncle may be fine but it sets a precedent.

Short term surprises yes but no grown up should encourage children to keep secrets.

greenlynx · 29/12/2017 23:16

I also wouldn't worry about SIL too much, she's grown-up and has her mother (at least) , your responsibility is with your children.

Withhindsight · 29/12/2017 23:19

OP you are doing the right thing to cut him out and keep talking it thorough with your dcs and reassuring them that they've done nothing wrong. He sounds very strange and dangerous. Even if his motives are entirely innocent (and I'm not convinced they are) his behaviour is not something you want your children exposed to, to model or be influenced by. Keep him at arms length, maybe you and dcs nc, so as not to rock the boat re SILs relationship with him.

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 23:27

@butteredscone Just talked it through with DH now kids are in bed and out of earshot.
He still thinks that everything has blown over (pretty sure it hasnt) but has agreed he needs to speak to his mum and put forward my side of this and let her know exactly how BIL behaved and how much it hurt the kids.

OP posts:
Jassmells · 29/12/2017 23:29

What a freak.

Can I ask why they don't have kids of their own? (Or do they?) just wondered if there is a jealousy issue?

I would not under any circumstances consider letting my kids on a holiday with him, imagine what could happen if the mood takes him.

I'd sit tight and watch, he'll be like this with other people too, it will all come out in the end!

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