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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with my controlling BIL?

238 replies

LaurieF · 29/12/2017 17:48

Sorry this may be a long one but don't want to drop feed!

DSIL AND DBIL have no kids of their own. They have always done lots with our kids, cinema trips, days out, weeks away etc. strange thing is that everything has to be a massive surprise and we are never allowed to tell the kids where they are taking them. I once told them by accident as I didn't realise it was meant to be a secret. BIL kicked off saying I spoilt the night etc.

Fast forward to last Friday and the kids let slip that BIL had told them what their big Xmas pressie was. I wasn't too happy. They were due to take them to the cinema (as a surprise of course) Friday night. When they arrived to pick them up I asked BIL if he has told them about their present. He went pretty nuclear, hurt that I would think that etc. I've had the same story from.both kids in separate rooms so know they aren't lying. He then turned round to kids told then he had booked cinema tickets and wouldn't be taking them anywhere, shouted at them, and walked out. DD (8) sobbed for an hour, DS (13) sat in his room and wouldn't come out.

Xmas day they usually come to us for presents. DH got a phone call at 10am telling him they weren't coming but he was invited to go to them for the morning as long as "she" ie me... wasn't coming too. Both kids refused to go without me so we again invited them to us. DSIL came alone and left in tears as BIL had said he wasnt willing to ever see his neice and nephew ever again.

So now MIL also hates me because she has only heard his side of this, DH has asked me not to bring it up with his mum again because she will get upset, DSIL has no chance to see the kids and I am the complete villain of the piece

AIBU to be absolutely fuming still???

And a little thankyou to anyone who read the whole essay!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 20:26

@lalalalyra always both BIL and SIL together. D'S has mobile phone and social media but DD still too young at 8 although she does have an ipad. We have always kept an eye on messages etc and never seen anything untoward although I totally understand your concern x

OP posts:
hmmmmm · 29/12/2017 20:28

MIL is even weirder seeing it's not her ds

SandAndSea · 29/12/2017 20:28

SparklyUnicornTractors

I'd also be very aware that he's just given your kids one hell of a lesson in how severe the punishment is for tattling to mum and dad even about something so minor.

^^ Completely agree!!

I would most definitely keep your kids away from him and talk to them about secrets and keeping themselves safe.

ijustwannadance · 29/12/2017 20:35

Did SIL want children but couldn't have them?
It just seems odd just how much they involve themselves with yours. Like holidays etc.

Your DH is the biggest shitbag in this whole situation tbh. Cannot believe he isn't standing up to BIL in your defense (not that you need it but still).
BIL is also calling your children liars.
His completely ott reaction is very weird. Maybe he his pissed as he realises he cannot control you or your children now.

MIL needs to be told exactly what happened. No drawing fucking lines underneath anything.

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 20:38

@ijustwannadance no neither of them have ever wanted children of their own.

OP posts:
WhatHappenedToSunday · 29/12/2017 20:40

No no no!

  1. He gets upset when you spoil his suprise activities and tells you off. But then spoils your suprise xmas gift and thinks there should be no criticism. What a hypocrit!!
  1. Keep away and explain to the kids why. That you'll protect them from anyone mistreating them. His behaviour and subsequent reactions are OTT. This is an important lesson to impressionable kids on how relationships should be. Ie. Not to tolerate ill treatment. Brushing it under the rug, just no. Moving on (whilst then keeping him firmly at a distance) after a whole hearted apology from him, maybe.
lalalalyra · 29/12/2017 20:42

@laurieF That's good that you keep on top of it. It may be something he uses to try and blame you for the situation to the children (my shit of a brother used FB to tell my DD's about the presents he got them for Christmas but I wouldn't let him give them... Luckily at 14 they are well aware of the situation).

The level of involvement isn't odd. We have several relatives inc BIL, and DH's SIL (his late first wife's sister) who have similar levels of involvement with our children. The secrets and his control is a mega issue though.

It's good that your SIL came round to see the children without him. Hopefully she'll maintain her relationship with them. I'd just be keeping a close eye that she isn't dripping into their ear. Even if she means well it's not on to have the children hearing how sad he is or how much he's missing them etc. Guilt is a horrible thing.

zzzzz · 29/12/2017 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LaurieF · 29/12/2017 20:47

@lalalalyra one of the first things I did after she had left Xmas day and DH told me what BIL had said about not seeing them was text and tell her the door was always open for her and she could see the kids whenever she wanted.

@zzzzz yes we have the only grandchildren

OP posts:
sarahjconnor · 29/12/2017 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stiffstink · 29/12/2017 20:48

DH got a phone call at 10am telling him they weren't coming but he was invited to go to them for the morning as long as "she" ie me... wasn't coming too. Both kids refused to go without me so we again invited them to us.

Aside from the other issues with secrets/control etc, what stood out for me was your DH's call with them.

The kids refused to go without you. Did your DH? It seems not, then "we" (he) invited them to be hosted by you even though you ("she") was specifically excluded from their home. What the fuck?! Where are your DH's loyalties here?

hmmmmm · 29/12/2017 20:53

Your dh is spineless sorry to say OP

greenapplesplatter · 29/12/2017 20:53

Apologies OP I hadn't realised that BIL wasn't the sibling (thanks @TheNoseyProject)

That just makes it all even weirder tbh

zzzzz · 29/12/2017 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenapplesplatter · 29/12/2017 20:56

Apologies OP I hadn't realised that BIL wasn't the sibling (thanks @TheNoseyProject)

That just makes it all even weirder tbh

Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 20:56

no more bloody Secrets.. no more trips to the DARK cinema.. NO MORE ...

starfishmummy · 29/12/2017 21:16

I agree stiff - I would not be amused if my dh had gone in those circumstances.

Carouselfish · 29/12/2017 21:25

That's a really weird way for a grown man to behave. It's unfair of your DH to expect you to just live with his mother being mad at you without you having a chance to talk to her.
His BiL lied about having told the kids. He expected them to keep a secret from you and they didn't and he had a tantrum. If they'd kept it, that's not setting a good precedent.

schmoozypoo · 29/12/2017 21:36

Very strange behaviour for a grown man, massive alarm bells would be ringing for me. My OH is very laid back but in the same situation would have stuck up for me totally and would have talked to MIL too so she knew the true story. But is it because your MIL and DH are worried about DSIL and don't want to stand up to him in case his hold on DSIL gets stronger and he takes her away?

ToadsforJustice · 29/12/2017 21:42

BIL wouldn’t have his own kids because that would take the spotlight away from him. He sounds dangerous and unpredictable. Not a good example of a loving uncle.

Moussemoose · 29/12/2017 21:43

No adult should ask or expect kids to keep secrets.

Do not let this man encourage your dc to keep secrets.

This is dangerous behaviour.

Butterymuffin · 29/12/2017 21:44

BIL wouldn’t have his own kids because that would take the spotlight away from him.

And because he'd then run the risk of also having to do some of the hard work, rather than just the glory gathering. Exactly Toads.

Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 21:50

his behaviour SCREAMS...... Red Flag ... every possible hair on the back on my neck stood up in reading your original post...

He demands Secrecy in his 'relationship' with your Kids.... and goes seriously over the top unstably mental loop da looooo when they do not maintain that Secrecy...

This guy is as other have already said.. Dangerous....

Kids should never be encouraged to keep Secrets EVER...

there must Child Protection Professionals on here somewhere.. who will flag up the inappropriateness of what Uncle Dearest has gotten away with already....

Please OP.. stop this man from having any more contact with your kids

KurriKurri · 29/12/2017 21:50

Is there any chance that the DH and the MIL are treading on eggshells round this man because they are fearful for the OP's SIL if he is crossed ?

ImListening · 29/12/2017 21:54

I’ve read your posts.

I think that perhaps both your MIL & dh are concerned for your sil.

I’ve a friend who has recently left her ‘d’h. It’s taken over 25 years. We’ve always said the door is open. Agreed with him so as not to rock the boat. She would have been the one to suffer. We would have been on eggshells also.

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