To be fuming with my controlling BIL?

[LaurieF]

Sorry this may be a long one but don't want to drop feed!

DSIL AND DBIL have no kids of their own. They have always done lots with our kids, cinema trips, days out, weeks away etc. strange thing is that everything has to be a massive surprise and we are never allowed to tell the kids where they are taking them. I once told them by accident as I didn't realise it was meant to be a secret. BIL kicked off saying I spoilt the night etc.

Fast forward to last Friday and the kids let slip that BIL had told them what their big Xmas pressie was. I wasn't too happy. They were due to take them to the cinema (as a surprise of course) Friday night. When they arrived to pick them up I asked BIL if he has told them about their present. He went pretty nuclear, hurt that I would think that etc. I've had the same story from.both kids in separate rooms so know they aren't lying. He then turned round to kids told then he had booked cinema tickets and wouldn't be taking them anywhere, shouted at them, and walked out. DD (8) sobbed for an hour, DS (13) sat in his room and wouldn't come out.

Xmas day they usually come to us for presents. DH got a phone call at 10am telling him they weren't coming but he was invited to go to them for the morning as long as "she" ie me... wasn't coming too. Both kids refused to go without me so we again invited them to us. DSIL came alone and left in tears as BIL had said he wasnt willing to ever see his neice and nephew ever again.

So now MIL also hates me because she has only heard his side of this, DH has asked me not to bring it up with his mum again because she will get upset, DSIL has no chance to see the kids and I am the complete villain of the piece

AIBU to be absolutely fuming still???

And a little thankyou to anyone who read the whole essay!!!

Any update OP?

Just RTFT, what a horrible man. How's it going now, OP?

OP I read this when it was unfolding and have also been wondering how things are now.

Sorry for confusion I have NC since then due to some outing threads!

Things are still the same thanks to all who asked. DCs still have not seen BIL 5 months on from what we now call "the incident".

DD sees SIL a couple of times a week as she is at in laws after they have picked her up from school, she also messages her on her iPad. She doesn't see DS as he is at high school and comes straight home. I text SIL a few times reiterating that she was welcome to see kids whenever she wanted - never had a reply.

SIL text DH to ask to take DD out for the day. DH grew a pair and asked why she wasn't taking DS too (they seem to be blaming DS for everything even though both kids said the same thing). SIL said ok I won't take her then. DS is still upset although won't say it out loud - you can tell though.

I'm just relieved that the dickhead hasn't tried to patch things up and see the kids again to be honest!

They're angry at and blaming your son because they let slip on the surprise and wanted the kids to lie for them. Then they scream at the kids for telling mum and dad the truth?!?!

These are not people you want to be influencing your children. It's nice of you to keep the door open for SIL but she's ignoring you, which is just another example of their childish behaviour. Stop txting her. They've cut off their nose yo spite their fave. It's not your job to fix it.

I hope things are good with your MIL though, and the children will get over it as they get older.

I remember reading this a few months back and thinking what an arsehole your BIL is. My opinion hasn't changed.

I don't understand why you and DH are continuing to have anything to do with the in-laws? They've treated you, and more importantly, your DC, very badly. If anyone treated my DC like that it'd be immediate NC.

Sounds like SIL isn much better though tbh, if she is happy to exclude DS.

Sounds like it’s time for you to give this incident a frame, and prop it in a dusty corner attic forever. If it were me, I’d say briefly and clearly to the whole family (including your kids):

‘In our family we don’t do secrets. There’s plenty of evidence it’s bad for kids, in myriad ways. Unfortunately this has to extend to ‘fun’ secrets, too. The evidence in Child Development and safeguarding is in on this score, and is widely supported by modern families with kids. Sadly, BIL & SIL disagreed with our family policy on this and chose to become estranged over it. Our door is open to them, should they want to discuss our reasons for this ‘no secrets’ policy, but our boundaries will always be set with priority to the kids’ best interests.’

Say it clearly, repeat it anytime a hint of this issue comes up. Hopefully it lets your kids off the hook, too. It must be horrid for them to feel responsible, and cruel parentification for anyone to make them to feel this way.

Did your DH speak to MIL, OP? Hope she's still not blaming you?

For the sake of your children and your family I suggest no contact.
Do not teach your children that BILs abusive manipulative behavior is in any way normal or acceptable.

No he never spoke to MIL. As far are they are concerned all is done (framed and put in a corner lol). It's hard coz I can still feel that undercurrent of feeling from SIL, DS has been there twice at the same time as her since Christmas and both times she hasn't even looked at him let alone spoken to him.
I already had DS when I met DH, although bio dad has nothing to do with him and he sees DH as his Dad and always has done, in laws have never treated him any different but The way SIL is behaving sends all my insecurities about him being treated not as part of the family rising to the surface!
Hard to go NC as she is at MILs most times we collect DD and they live round the corner although I've managed it with BIL so far
It's sad in a way because I think we are at the point of no return. Anyhoo just thought I should update the people who had asked.

Always good to get an update, OP.

That's really pathetic of SIL to ignore DS at MIL's house. That is bullying behaviour and I can see why it raises your insecurities about DS.

Does DS mind being there at the same time a sister SIL? Is there a way to manage this so DS doesn't have to be around SIL. It's horrible being ignored by someone, he must be upset.

It's sad that your DH allows DS to be treated this way.