To be fuming with my controlling BIL?

[LaurieF]

Sorry this may be a long one but don't want to drop feed!

DSIL AND DBIL have no kids of their own. They have always done lots with our kids, cinema trips, days out, weeks away etc. strange thing is that everything has to be a massive surprise and we are never allowed to tell the kids where they are taking them. I once told them by accident as I didn't realise it was meant to be a secret. BIL kicked off saying I spoilt the night etc.

Fast forward to last Friday and the kids let slip that BIL had told them what their big Xmas pressie was. I wasn't too happy. They were due to take them to the cinema (as a surprise of course) Friday night. When they arrived to pick them up I asked BIL if he has told them about their present. He went pretty nuclear, hurt that I would think that etc. I've had the same story from.both kids in separate rooms so know they aren't lying. He then turned round to kids told then he had booked cinema tickets and wouldn't be taking them anywhere, shouted at them, and walked out. DD (8) sobbed for an hour, DS (13) sat in his room and wouldn't come out.

Xmas day they usually come to us for presents. DH got a phone call at 10am telling him they weren't coming but he was invited to go to them for the morning as long as "she" ie me... wasn't coming too. Both kids refused to go without me so we again invited them to us. DSIL came alone and left in tears as BIL had said he wasnt willing to ever see his neice and nephew ever again.

So now MIL also hates me because she has only heard his side of this, DH has asked me not to bring it up with his mum again because she will get upset, DSIL has no chance to see the kids and I am the complete villain of the piece

AIBU to be absolutely fuming still???

And a little thankyou to anyone who read the whole essay!!!

Aww, I know, the shame so sorry for typos

Jesus wept, that man is a complete tosser.

Your children need to be protected from his abusive behaviour.

Tell your mother in law what he did. Tell EVERYONE what he did.

If your husband doesn't want you to tell anyone then he's enabling that arse to bully and abuse your children.

I am flabbergasted by his behaviour, I really am.

I think that perhaps your DS needs to tell your MIL what happened, and how upset he and your DD were. MIL might just listen to what he says.

A couple of people have said about speaking to your mil. Tbh if she hasn’t taken the time to verify what happened and chooses to back up her abusive son, I wouldn’t bother personally.

This is one of the weirder stories Ive read on mumsnet.

Your BIL has ultimately done you a favour, his behaviour towards your children and yourself regarding the secret surprise cinema trips is quite frankly bizarre and Im not sure how you allowed it go on for so long.

I cant believe your husband hasnt stuck up for you in all of this and also hasnt stuck up for his children, his brother has been verbally abusive to them and you and also extremely unkind and all your husband is worried about is that you tell your mil the truth and upset her more when he should be standing up for you and making it known that you re not to blame.

I think you have some serious boundary issues which this incident has made apparent and also some issues regarding the way your husband enables his brothers behaviour at the expense of his wife and children. The behaviour of your husband is not normal and I hope this incident makes you aware of that.

OP have you said to your DH about standing up to his family?

I have had this with my very similar sounding SIL, it is hard, I have no advice really, other than to say it has been 3 years since we saw them, we have never met their son, and all this has really not been my choice. Your DH needs to support you, and he needs to talk to your MIL an emphasise the need to not take sides. If you can;'t mend the relationship with BIL, that is his choice, but he should not be impacting on your MIL too - that should be a seperate relationship and the rest of your DH's family should not be taking sides - but it is our DH's job to ensure this does not happen.

@somerford not offended at all but honestly there is nothing else to this story. I was very careful to make sure I included all the details so not to drip feed. This was honestly all there was to it.
I'm pretty astounded by it all myself to be honest!!

Understood. The reason I asked is that we so often get drip feeds and this really is odd so my first thought was that there must be more to it.

It may seem like a big loss to you right now, I expect it was lovely that your children were close to your BIL and they were spending time together, getting treats and nice days out. Even a holiday on the horizon. But if all of that is conditional on you accepting his controlling behaviour and accepting the various ways that his character flaws will manifest in the future, I think you're better off without it and so are your children. Your relationship with the rest of the family will likely get sorted in time so I suppose you should consider it a good thing that he's shown his true colours before any real harm could be done.

OP I don't think you are nearly worried enough about this...the man's behaviour towards your children is not normal. There is no way in hell this man would be taking my children out without me again, never mind on holiday! I'm concerned that you seem to be minimising some extremely weird behaviour. Screw the need to keep the peace, you need to ensure this oddball (at best) never has the opportunity to frighten or upset your children again and your husband needs to do the same.

He seems massively over-invested as others have said. I feel awful even suggesting this, but is he trying to 'groom' them for something (even subconsciously).... I don't mean sexually necessarily... but its really odd behaviour. All the secrets would bother me. It gives the kids a massive lack of power and control in the situation... sounds like there are definitely strings attached.

This is perfect time to teach your kids about"tricky people". He sounds horrible, all aboutpower andcontrol. Only he is allowed to keep secrets, nobody else's are to be respected, all on his agenda.

He actually sounds a lot like my sister, and guess who we no longer see in our family!

I can believe he switched so quickly and I would not be having anything to do with him. My sister went mental one Christmas, totally lost her cool about... not sure what, I think I asked if we could have some spicy salsa with our left over turkey ( she bought a massive one and that was all. EVERY meal was left over turkey, nothing done to it, really grim. I offered to buy salsa, make a pie or curry fora change, offered to pay/cook etc as a thank you for her cooking the bird in first place).
She threw a tantrum that had me in fear for my life. We changed flights and went home early that's how bad it was.

Get some distance OP, Bil would have turned on kids sooner or later, you're better off without him.

So he's heavily invested in these children, spends hours doing things with them, wants to do all the special things with them and insists parents leave those special things as his property -

• and yet his love for those children is wholly conditional on being obeyed and pleased at all times, and can be withdrawn the moment someone crosses him. He is in fact withdrawing his love and promised treats from the children to hurt them because he's annoyed with adults in the situation.

Keep that man the fuck away from your children. He has you all very nicely dancing to his tune, his behaviour is working very well to keep you all in line, but this is not a person or a relationship you want a child anywhere near.

I'd also be very aware that he's just given your kids one hell of a lesson in how severe the punishment is for tattling to mum and dad even about something so minor. Given that he's obvious not the most stable person already and heavily into control, it would be naive not to think ahead to what may happen in the future that the kids would now be afraid to tell you.

I take it your BIL isn't used to hearing the word "no" or being called out on anything?

I'd absolutely tell your MIL what happened. She'll take her son's side, but at least she'll know.

This has the potential to wreck your children's relationship with their grandmother, and the extended family. I'd put money on there being pressure put on you and your children to apologise soon.

Do you know if BIL and SIL wanted children? Is he using your children as a substitute? It sounds like he has totally lost sight of the fact that you are their mother and your DH is their father - he expected the children's loyalty to be with him.

He is not a good or doting uncle. He's the uncle equivilant of an emotionally abusive Disney father who wants everything on his own terms.

I know this sounds really naive but I honestly didn't realise how bad he was until this happened. The whole secrets thing to me was his way of being the big man and trying to gain affection. I had seen little bits of it with SIL but certainly never seen anything like that with the kids. His behaviour has completely opened my eyes to just how manipulative he is. Trust me even if he comes and apologises he will not be spending any time with these two ever again. I don't trust him.

I am not backing down and not apologising for asking him why he had told the kids about their present (as was suggested by MIL) He is currently playing very heavily on how hurt and upset he is that I would ever think that of him!

Just to make it clear SIL is DH sister and BIL is her partner.

Thank you so much for all of your responses, I was really starting to doubt my gut feelings about this but you have all set my mind at rest.

I'd also be very aware that he's just given your kids one hell of a lesson in how severe the punishment is for tattling to mum and dad even about something so minor.

ITA

Sounds like your DH needs to let his mum know what happened and sort out his BIL.

There is no reason why your DC’s can’t have a relationship and continue to see your SIL - she is still a close part of your family?

I think your BIL has done you a huge favour because he needs to be kept away from your DCs. His behaviour, past and recent, is very concerning. Your husband is inappropriate and a coward for telling BIL that the DCs don't want to see him. He should have had the balls to tell him that as parents you wouldn't be allowing contact due to concerns about BILs behaviour. Is your husband usually cowardly and happy to throw you under a bus? You have done nothing wrong here so sit tight and calm down. Open your eyes and think hard about protecting your DCs and yourself.

I know this sounds really naive but I honestly didn't realise how bad he was until this happened.

It really doesn't. Sometimes we just don't see things because it's just life. It's why people acting hurtfully hurts, because we don't see it coming.

I wonder if your MIL is taking his side is partly so that he can't isolate your SIL.

Above all pay attention to your DCs and do not allow them to be pressured to have contact in the future.

Wow, knowing that SIL is the sibling makes it even worse.

Other than not wanting to tell MIL what does DH think of it all? Is he concerned about his sister too?

I have and always will ask my kids if they want to do X with Y!

There's never any need for surprises .... they may not want to ....

Please think about this in future

I think you have a husband problem too to be honest. He doesn't want you to talk to his mum because he's happy for you to be portrayed as the villian. Clearly he's not prepared to back you up on this. He should be speaking to his mum and sister to tell them your side. He should also be fully supportive of you not wanting your brother in law to see the kids due to his awful behaviour. Your bil keeping all trips secrets is really weird. It puts you under pressure to not reveal things and basically allows him to keep total control of the situation. Why is your husband OK with this?

Good point lalalalyra.
These controlling, calculating narcissistic types know exactly what they are doing.
Do NOT be sucked into feeling like it has "all blown over" in a few weeks or trivialise the situation.
I feel sorry for you and your family but also for your SIL. She is almost certainly in some form of controlling relationship and maybe can't see the wood for the trees.