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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with my controlling BIL?

238 replies

LaurieF · 29/12/2017 17:48

Sorry this may be a long one but don't want to drop feed!

DSIL AND DBIL have no kids of their own. They have always done lots with our kids, cinema trips, days out, weeks away etc. strange thing is that everything has to be a massive surprise and we are never allowed to tell the kids where they are taking them. I once told them by accident as I didn't realise it was meant to be a secret. BIL kicked off saying I spoilt the night etc.

Fast forward to last Friday and the kids let slip that BIL had told them what their big Xmas pressie was. I wasn't too happy. They were due to take them to the cinema (as a surprise of course) Friday night. When they arrived to pick them up I asked BIL if he has told them about their present. He went pretty nuclear, hurt that I would think that etc. I've had the same story from.both kids in separate rooms so know they aren't lying. He then turned round to kids told then he had booked cinema tickets and wouldn't be taking them anywhere, shouted at them, and walked out. DD (8) sobbed for an hour, DS (13) sat in his room and wouldn't come out.

Xmas day they usually come to us for presents. DH got a phone call at 10am telling him they weren't coming but he was invited to go to them for the morning as long as "she" ie me... wasn't coming too. Both kids refused to go without me so we again invited them to us. DSIL came alone and left in tears as BIL had said he wasnt willing to ever see his neice and nephew ever again.

So now MIL also hates me because she has only heard his side of this, DH has asked me not to bring it up with his mum again because she will get upset, DSIL has no chance to see the kids and I am the complete villain of the piece

AIBU to be absolutely fuming still???

And a little thankyou to anyone who read the whole essay!!!

OP posts:
gingergenius · 29/12/2017 18:26

Bloody hell what a psycho!

WinnieFosterTether · 29/12/2017 18:26

It's a bizarre over-reaction on his part but tbh I'm also confused about why your DH told him the DCs didn't want to see him. It sounds as though that's what led to the cancelling of the holiday, etc.
If you think they have a genuinely close relationship with your DCs and you have been happy with it until now, then I would be wondering what prompted all this. If you've never been happy with their level of involvement and their conditions, then see this as a good opportunity to change the relationship.
I'd expect your DH to ask his DB to apologise to the DCs. It's the least they deserve. He shouldn't have shouted at them for telling the truth or walked out.

gillybeanz · 29/12/2017 18:26

He wouldn't have told me off about anything to do with my dc, certainly not for taking them to the cinema.
Why have you put up with this for so long, and why is your dh not standing up for you? Is he scared of bil?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 29/12/2017 18:30

They are way too invested in your kids. Just stay away from them, they're really weird. Especially BIL
^^ I agree.

GrooovyLass · 29/12/2017 18:30

Your DH needs to tell your MIL exactly what happened pronto. How dare he let her think badly of you because of your BIL?

littletinyme1 · 29/12/2017 18:32

No. No secrets BIL.Secrets breed a culture of secrets. Let this be the end of this man's influence on you and your children. No more holidays or trips out. God only knows how controlling he is with your children. Interesting they want nothing to do with him so quickly. Never let him have them ever again.

rothbury · 29/12/2017 18:33

In a way YABU as I can't understand how you let this fiasco continue for so long Confused

I would be really glad that BIL won't be around your DC any more and would do all I could to keep it that way.

DH can't tell you what you can and cannot say to MIL. I would probably just say his reaction was extremely worrying and you are concerned for SIL, and leave it at that.

Loonoonow · 29/12/2017 18:35

I wonder if now the children are becoming older and more aware of his behaviour he wants to distance his wife and himself from them as they could be credible witnesses to any unreasonable behaviour from him towards her. By cutting himself and her off from them he is making your SIL more isolated and dependent on him. I bet he'll fall out with your MIL next.

expatinscotland · 29/12/2017 18:39

Your DH needs to grow a spine and tell him brother and his mother to fuck off.

littlebird55 · 29/12/2017 18:39

This will blow over in a few weeks is my guess - but in the meantime you now have a golden opportunity to take a huge step back from his surprises and his general ability to make your dc cry.

No one gets to do that.

I would let your dh sort it out, and would tell him the door is always (kind of) open but the surprises and meltdowns stop now.

Are they making up for the lack of their own dc possibly? Not really down to you if that is the case, but anyone whom hurt my dc like that would not be getting the chance to do it again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2017 18:40

I cannot believe how much your dh is enabling his brother. I’d be very upset with him as well. He needs to protect his kids.

Your bil sounds a bit like my sil. She has psychopathic tendencies. My dd (9) is petrified of her after yet another explosive episode. We are now nc with her and my brother, who is violent.

I understand going nc will cause all manner of issues. It has with my family. My brother is golden child. I’m the scapegoat so dd, dh and I are in the wrong according to my mother.

GreenTulips · 29/12/2017 18:42

We used to get bollocked for taking them to see films that they wanted to take them to!!

Sorry they overstepped the mark here and you lay down and let them!

Why? Was DH worried about standing up for family time? Why did they get first pick on treats?

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/12/2017 18:42

So - he got angry because he'd made a mistake (letting it slip maybe not accidentally about their Christmas present) and he got called out on it.

Does nobody usually tell him when he's wrong? Or does any hint that he's not perfect result in tantrums and hystrionics, so everyone keeps quiet and he keeps thinking he's perfect?

And I guess he 'controls' the days out - maybe the kids haven't been enjoying their 'rigidly controlled fun' quite as much as they've got older, hence not wanting to do it any more?

MiddleClassProblem · 29/12/2017 18:42

Sounds like a controlling prick and a drama llama. Hope you’re kids are ok. At least they know he’s a liar and don’t blame you for him flouncing. Hope DH is supportive too x

DivisionBelle · 29/12/2017 18:48

"He then turned round to kids told then he had booked cinema tickets and wouldn't be taking them anywhere, shouted at them, and walked out."

This is really, really horrible behaviour.

Emotionally manipulative, aggressive and cruel.

And I think you are right, the whole 'surprise' thing is controlling. It sounds as if he has to be at the centre of everything, seen to be stage managing it, and managing / manipulating everyone else's reactions. He did the same thing over the presents: trying to orchestrate them in their behaviour - and taking control of that 'surprise' too. He sounds like a narcissist megalomaniac, to be honest!

Your DH needs to tell his mother exactly what happened, that he DID tell the kids, they both said so, separately, and the way he kicked off - AT the kids - when you asked him about it.

Tell SIL she is always welcome at your house to see the kids. But to be honest, if the kids persist in not wanting to see him why should they? He shouted at them, dangled a treat before their noses and snatched it away, when they had done nothing wrong.

Your DH needs to back you up. Or is he in the emotional clutches of this bully?

Callamia · 29/12/2017 18:49

I agree with everyone else, but I hope that you can remain in touch somehow with your sister in law. It sounds like she needs some friends who know what her dick of a husband is like.

I know that when my dad fell out with everyone in his family, my aunt stayed in touch with my mum, and I’m really grateful to her for that.

Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 18:50

I would not let this MAN near my kids ever again... this is beyond Weird OP Flowers

hugs for your Kids x

Maelstrop · 29/12/2017 18:52

Very poor behaviour from an adult. But he’s showed his true colours. So it’s ok for him to spoil your surprise but he hates you doing it to him? Massive hypocrite!

I think you need to tell mil exactly what has gone on, presumably dcs can back you up.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 29/12/2017 18:55

Bill sounds completely unstable. Cut all contact with him. Explain to mil what happened and if she still thinks you’re at fault don’t bother inviting her to yours again.

At the end of the day they’re in laws, you won’t miss having them in your life. Your bil sounds a complete dick.

CombineBananaFister · 29/12/2017 18:56

He's not taking them places just to be nice though is he? It has to be on his terms, and with much fanfare and secretion so he can look like the big man on campus. All quite selfish and manipulate really even if it doesn't seem it on the surface.
You've been given a bit of an out here, take it and don't give a shit who thinks who is in the wrong. Certainly don't carry on as 'normal', stay away and let the rest of them who are willing to put up with his bullshit deal with him. Your kids seem reticent about him, that should be enough. Shame about your SIL though

CombineBananaFister · 29/12/2017 18:58

Secretion haha wtf! Secrets. Meant to say SECRETS !

MiddleClassProblem · 29/12/2017 18:59

😂 fanfare and secretion

Notallthat · 29/12/2017 18:59

The whole secretive thing would ring alarm bells for me, the children think secrets are okay because you keep where they are going from them then he massively over reacts because the children tell you something he didn't want them too. Keep them away from him and make sure they realise that nothing is ever secret from mum no matter who asks.

Clandestino · 29/12/2017 19:00

I'm sorry but you have a guy here who behaves like a total control freak, flips at a smallest opportunity and you would let your children go on holidays with them? Why and how come? That's mental.

buttfacedmiscreant · 29/12/2017 19:00

This makes me think of that quote by Maya Angelou
"When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

He is explosive and controlling. Your kids are right to be scared of him.
You have let him have far too much line. Telling parents off for taking kids to the movies?!? You put up with that shit?