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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what you learned from experiencing poverty?

265 replies

tucsontutu · 29/12/2017 12:17

I am regular poster but nc for this. Reading several threads on mn, I realize how shockingly common it is to experience financial hardships at some point in life. That got me thinking, as I was lucky enough (so far) to never have experienced that. I am not and never was a millionaire, but I definitely never had to worry about essentials like food or heating. I realize how fortunate that is. I wonder if I would be different if I had experienced poverty/ financial hardship at some point in life.

So I am wondering what stays with people after they went through poverty. If you went through financial hardship and then recovered, do you think you would be different if you never experienced that time of difficulty?

Do you find that the people you know that have always been financially comfortable think differently from those who had to fight for their material comfort? Do they have a different approach to money?

Thank you for your comments!

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 30/12/2017 16:19

The difference between want and need, how to get the needs as cheaply as possible/ best value.
How to do without, save, ask for present everything that is a want rather than a need.
The belief that if you have everything you need then you are far richer than many others.
How luxuries aren't important in the scheme of things.

BiglyBadgers · 30/12/2017 16:20

We had a fireplace and my dad gathered firewood which we all learned to chop and lay in the fire. In the rest of the house we wore extra clothing. No fuss.

If you had a fireplace you did have some heating though. A lot of houses don't have a fireplace, so no central heating means no heating at all.

Openup41 · 30/12/2017 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Openup41 · 30/12/2017 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

gillybeanz · 30/12/2017 16:28

Openup

I know exactly what you mean.
Our poverty has been during adulthood, was poor as a child but not poverty stricken like many stories on here.
For Christmas I asked for a warm coat from the sales £18 and an umbrella that covers shoulders, as I walk home from work at night.
I did get chocs and wine as presents too, but I didn't ask for them.

I think it's hard to lose the practical mindset even when your situation changes.

BrownLiverSpot · 30/12/2017 16:34

How it affects absolutely everything including mental health, friendships and family relations. How hard it is for people to understand if they haven't experienced it.

ThePurpleSheep · 30/12/2017 16:45

It's just not comparable though, one person's experience of choosing to be on benefits for a short time, versus many others another's experience of having no choice but to rely on them in the long term or for life. Here housing benefit often doesn't cover the full rent and even on JSA you need to pay 15% council tax (each LA set their own policies) so the shortfall must be met from those oh so generous £70 odd benefits.

And I'm sure being able to easily get credit to 'bridge the gap' helped too, but for most that's either not available or only at shockingly high % rates. They can't easily walk into a high paying job either, to make the repayments, so those debts spiral out of control, making matters worse.

But it really doesn't matter whether anyone thinks benefits are too generous or not. That won't reduce poverty in this country.
Cutting benefits or making them harder to claim won't reduce poverty either.
Nor will giving poor people budgeting lessons. It may erode their self-worth a little more but it won't make them any less poor.

WhatHappenedToSunday · 30/12/2017 16:55

well enough off to have decent household equipment that was likely new when bought, covered by guarantees/warranties and less likely to break down anyway

Not really no. I cant tell my family I claim JSA. I currently have a broken applicance, that resulted in weeks of calls from a family member asking why its not been replaced and offers of them to pay it if i cant. But i know that would make them feel entitled to know my current state of financial affairs. Even tho they now i made redundant when heavily pregnant. My oven had been broken for a year - so we've done without (it broke christmas eve 2016) couldnt afford the £30 to replace the broken part. So I've made do without. A past poster said theyve had the panic of the washing machine daring to make a weird noise! Same! I cant afford to replace anything. Even when I had money I have a make-do-and-mend attitude and conversative habits, as a result of childhood experiences. So it's prepared me for this kind of situation.

My toilet flush broke in May, it was a fixed badly by plumber so when it broken again i couldnt afford to fix it again, because he'd have to remove the wall again as its a complicated modern unit, so did without the toilet working properly until November. He actually did it very very reduced price, as the first fix hadnt worked, but i didnt know he'd offer that, so had spent ages trying to avoid another bill. It's the fear factor l learnt to live with and try to avoid.

Couldnt afford to fix the lights in the kids bathroom with no window so was an useable room, pitch black.

The debts relate to the difference in fixed fees i still have to pay each month that are not covered by benefits, ie. parking, ground rent, ridic high service charge thats almost as much as the mortgage.

I couldnt even afford to hire a (20ft) ladder, so applied to local fire station for a safety check (you can get one if in an at risk demographic) . They helped me changed the batteries in 2 smoke alarms (which some new-build-housing numpty has installed as permanent wired fixture, 24ft high up). Their first ladder was too short, so sent a second engine with bigger rig.
Yes, too poor to change a fire alarm.

So what would I have done without credit.....I make do, I go without, things stay unreplaced, unfixed, credit is purely for things i cant now avoid that im tied into from way before so those debts builds up so i dont default on bills,
And i rely on very generous benefits and public services like the fire service example. To maintain us.

I hope to God I'm never made redundant or unemployed again.
But im grateful theres a generous system, and yet i dont think it's particularly fair iv done so well out of it while others work their ass off to maintain themselves.

WhatHappenedToSunday · 30/12/2017 17:08

I will say this thread...

I don't normally engage much on mumsnet. So didnt mean to make it all about me. It just hit home I guess.

Iprefercoffeetotea · 30/12/2017 17:11

People working full time shouldn't need a top up from the govt to cover basic living costs in a wealthy country

This. One million plus times.

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 17:12

In all honesty, unless I really think about it, I forget what it was like. When I was a kid I often had a pot noodle for my tea. All my clothes were hand me downs (from unfashionable adults!! Not other kids) or charity shop stuff and I was isolated and picked on because of it. On each memory that stays with me was at high school the PE uniform was a sky blue t-shirt. My mum got me a white t-shirt as it was cheaper. I was literally the only kid in the entire school wearing the wrong t-shirt and as I'd only just started and nobody knew each other's names I became known as "the one in the white t-shirt". A fashion for culottes started and all the girls were wearing them. My grandma made me some by sewing up the middle of a skirt. I looked ridiculous and was laughed at as soon as I got to school. I was so ashamed I pulled a sickie so I could go home.
I joined a karate class. The uniform as you would imagine was a white karate suit. We couldn't afford that so my mum came home with a black costume Kung fu suit for me to wear. I looked like a fucking joke.

I was poor when I first left home too. Teenage mum on benefits having to decide between buying gas tokens or electric tokens.

I'm no longer poor but I never realise how much my life has changed until I really sit and think about it. The last time this happened I was sat in a hot tub in Bangkok and it hit me "shit, is this really my life now or am I dreaming??" That would be cruel dream wouldn't it! Waking up the next day in my mouldy shitty council house, gas has ran out so it's freezing and my first job of the morning is picking the mound off the bread so we can have some breakfast ...

WhatHappenedToSunday · 30/12/2017 17:16

Our experiences and outlooks are so varied.

Even when earning well I'd never dream of buying a £100 watch @openup41. So its really interesting tho. Thinking of diff watches for diff occasions. Me thinking a watch 100£ is huge.
£13 shoes.....i bought a pair for £15 on sale and that was a huge huge treat, and i debated returning them, but will use them for new job. It's a hang over from childhood about not spending too much.

Guess im learnt feeling poor can really affect us long term.

WhatHappenedToSunday · 30/12/2017 17:18

@sanshin

What made the huge leap in life....to end up in a hot tub in Bangkok? 👏

ItWentInMyEye · 30/12/2017 17:19

As a child we shouldn't have been poor because both my parents had decent full time jobs, but my dad was an alcoholic and drank most of the family money. I knew then that we didn't have much compared to other kids, but as an adult finding out that my mum went without food/new clothes etc so me and my brother could have those things was tough. Me and DP went through a period I'd describe as poverty, I had £30 a week to buy shopping for 5 of us and 2 pets but I managed it. We couldn't afford the heating on so we had a fan heater we would switch on for 10 mins at a time every so often, then put it in the kids bedroom with loads of extra blankets when it was bedtime so they weren't cold. I've also done what my mum did and have gone without so my kids could have things. I'll never forget when MIL looked in our fridge and there was only food for the kids in. She went to Asda and did us a little basic shop which I cried with gratitude for. Luckily we're past that now but it was so awful I'll do everything in my power to never end up like that again. The kids never knew how bad it was, I managed to buy them some basic treats even on the ridiculously low budget.

jauntynomates · 30/12/2017 17:21

Having kept reading replies, one thing that I’ve seen in places and is the same for me is about being warm/comfortable etc. My DM tried to provide decent things but being strapped for cash it came down to cost, so we didn’t invest in good coats or good shoes. So now I get positively excited about buying a pair of very practical (as in comfortable, solid tread, waterproof etc) shoes, or a long, warm, wind and weatherproof coat. All of my clothes are quite practical too. DH and the DCs also get very practical clothes, coats and shoes, and I happily spend the money for that (fortunately I am in a position where I can).

Never really thought about that until now!

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 17:21

Just realised I completely missed the point of the thread. ADHD, sorry - my mind works on an answer before working out the question Blush.

What I've learnt from it is money is precious and never guaranteed. I wouldn't pay £100 for a watch now even though theoretically I can afford to. I still think £60 is steep for a pair of boots and I still wait until my greys are very visible before spending £70 on the hairdressers. I'm as tight as a ducks arse and I count every single penny. I have a word document outlining incomings, outgoings and spare money and adjust it daily depending on what has gone out of bank. I wish I wasn't so mean with money but I can't help it. It is precious.

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 17:25

Dazedandconfused, not sure if you're being sarcastic but what changed was a determination in myself to be better and to experience better than what I was used to. I have a very active mind and used to daydream constantly about the things I wanted to do but could never afford. I went to college, managed to get into university and got a post grad career within about 6 years of deciding I wasn't going to settle for the hand that had been given to me. Admittedly a bit part of my current financial situation is that the man I married also had a good job (and no, that played no part in why I married him).

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/12/2017 17:28

Your post was fine Sanshin exactly what the thread has been about! Hot tub and all Smile

I've had another think. If I want a quality thing I will buy the very best I can afford, for cash. Then I won't have to buy it again. But I won't buy cheap versions of anything that I may need to use for a while. I'll do without until I can afford it.

I do shop in charity shops for my clothes. I can buy some really expensive dresses for work for a few pounds. I use the money saved on good footwear.

So, despite my life changes, I am still very careful with cash!

WhatHappenedToSunday · 30/12/2017 17:40

@sanshin
Not being sarcastic.
Was genuinely interested.
I hope you enjoy everything you've worked hard for. :)

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 17:48

Thanks Dazed :-) I've had a few verbal beatings on here since I joined so I tend to have my guard well and truely up these days 😂

WhatHappenedToSunday · 30/12/2017 18:32

Just took the DCs out the tub, into pjs that are age 9 months.....little one is 27months! Id cut the feet off the sleepsuit so it still fits, fairly petite toddler anyways tho.

I'd like to learn to be not so mean with money. I cant help it, i dont have lots to splash and i also hate over consumerism.

But if i was a millionaire would i be dressing 2yo in 9months pjs? Realy not sure, but maybe i might. Or am i just caught up in effects of financial situation?

Graphista · 30/12/2017 18:38

"new-build-housing numpty has installed as permanent wired fixture" that's a legal requirement now - just for info.

What would you have done if you hadn't had credit available?

Can't help but find it a bit strange you seem to consider yourself poor at the moment yet you own your home at least partially and have more than one bathroom - not having a go but I wouldn't consider someone in that situation poor, because that's a major asset.

ThePurpleSheep · 30/12/2017 19:06

No not poor at all. Benefits seemed generous as that poster wasn't totally reliant on them. Without the credit those ground rent/parking charges, that the generous benefits didn't cover would have gone unpaid leading to bailiffs, courts, eviction/repossession (not exactly sure how shared ownership works) and I'd imagine their view of poverty would be less rose tinted.

WhatHappenedToSunday · 30/12/2017 19:13

Yea but i bought the place years before i was made redundant while pregnant. Single income became zero income/JSA.

The person is a numpty because it's on the ceiling which is 24ft high, preferably shouldnt need scaffolding (or a firemans tall ladder) to change the fire alarm battery. :-P

Yes House is an assest long term, but more of a burden during redundancy-unemployment- JSA claim. Actually looked into selling up but it wouldnt have been a viable answer to the problem, as stamp duty was deffered, so would be due when selling. Would have ended up worse off.

Openup41 · 30/12/2017 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.