To ask what you learned from experiencing poverty?

[tucsontutu]

I am regular poster but nc for this. Reading several threads on mn, I realize how shockingly common it is to experience financial hardships at some point in life. That got me thinking, as I was lucky enough (so far) to never have experienced that. I am not and never was a millionaire, but I definitely never had to worry about essentials like food or heating. I realize how fortunate that is. I wonder if I would be different if I had experienced poverty/ financial hardship at some point in life.

So I am wondering what stays with people after they went through poverty. If you went through financial hardship and then recovered, do you think you would be different if you never experienced that time of difficulty?

Do you find that the people you know that have always been financially comfortable think differently from those who had to fight for their material comfort? Do they have a different approach to money?

Thank you for your comments!

My mum was widowed when I was 2 and my dB 4 my da was killed suddenly a week before the insurance man was going to come and see my eps about life insurance. My do had a new mortgage to pay and went back to work while we were at nursery. I remember clearly that our house was old and cold and once the boiler broke we had no hot water..we got our clothes from jumble sales and I can clearly remember my dum and o,dear DS looking in the sofa for loose coins to buy bread. I left home and worked hard then met DH and when we started a family money was still tight. After separating and becoming a lone parent with a disabled child as soon as she turned 16 I found myself living on the breadline yet again. I would have a bath just to warm myself up and go to bed early to keep warm, I made sure my dc ate while I skipped meals. For the first time in a long time I'm able to work full time as a Carer and love living rather than surviving. Living through poverty makes you stronger but it can also make you a hoarder because you want some of the nice things you never had before.

My heart skips a minibeat every time I use my card. Even when I know there's money in my account, from years of not knowing whether it would be declined or not.

And I am still super frugal. We are comfortable now but I still rarely buy anything that isn't in a sale!

I was brought up in a middle class home, but when I went to university my parents refused to contribute any money, and I couldn't get a part-time job as I have a disability and was barely managing my courseload, let alone any extra work on top. I was sleeping so much that the university actually found me a bed on campus so I could sleep in the gaps between lectures. I worked every summer, which left me with a weekly budget after rent/bills of approx £25. This had to cover food, clothes, travel to uni/supermarket, etc. I handwashed everything because I couldn't afford the £1.60 for a washing load.

I was never big, but I lost weight as I sacrificed portion sizes in order to not eat rice/beans for every meal for years on end, and I obsessively noticed the cost of every single thing I bought. I could do instant calculations as to which item was the cheapest per kilo and made endless substitutions. All weekly shopping had to happen around the 7pm discounting time at the local supermarket. I would sometimes buy the 20p value range white chocolate bar as a treat. After I'd left, someone asked me where to eat out in my university town, a huge touristy town, and I had literally no idea - I could count the restaurants I'd been to on the fingers of one hand and of course if I went I'd pick the very cheapest thing on the menu plus water, not anything interesting.

I'm about seven years on from that now, with a well-paying job. I am endlessly thankful that I knew that for me, this would only be temporary - I know it wore me down enough to do it for three years with an end in sight. I eat normal amounts of food now, but I do still habitually compare price per kilo and feel quite nervous about picking the "wrong" one even though it really won't matter any more. It slows down my shopping though not as badly as previously. For years I didn't replace my clothes, shoes etc and recently I've gone a bit mad on those. Travel costs are the one thing I can't quite manage, though - price of bus fare into town, etc. I can afford £3 but somehow I really struggle to justify it. I also struggle to empathise with colleagues who moan about being poor at the end of the month, but have done things like buy food at work every day, bought loads of coffees at work, got another car loan, etc (and they don't have kids, and are paid well above UK average wage).

I always try and help others wherever I can maybe living through it yourselves gives you a certain empathy to others..let's all keep an eye on that child who's always hungry when they visit or the person/child who always 'forgets' their coat on the coldest days ,if it's given in the right way and for the right reasons then it will be received in the same way too. Kindness costs nothing.

I think different people take different things from the experience. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor and it can be ok not to have much in certain circumstances (eg when you’re young and single - I remember times I had very little but was quite happy). I’ve been a high earner and really unhappy, stressed and self destructive because my whole life was taken by my work and I never felt good enough. By far the worst thing though is the helpless type of poverty when you can’t cover your basic needs and just feel like you have no choices or opportunities. Life seems so small and restricted.

Even though Iam now quite comfortable, I do definitely hoard things though- my store cupboards and freezers are bursting like many on here. And I can’t resist a bargain. I also budget obsessively. That said I have an ex who also grew up in poverty who is the opposite (spends what money he has, buys luxuries when he can, lives on a sea of debt) so maybe different people just react differently to different circumstances.

Something else I did. I stood for election ( and won a seat) as a Councillor to try my best to help people. I can't change the world, but at least I understand what some of my constituents are going through and do my best to help. Cos I have been there!

I’ve never experienced poverty
But did grow up poor.
My fiancé experienced extreme poverty growing up 3 kids sharing 1 egg for breakfast etc.

We are comfortable now. Have savings but for me it is never enough money. I get stressed my unexpected phone calls
Hate people coming to the door and don’t like letters either. I’m happy to spend money on others but not myself. And big spends takes me about a month to get over.

My fiancé is much more live for today hates people to think she’s poor, almost wanting to show off. But it’s more about not looking like the poor kid. We can survive about 4-6 months on our current savings. I’d prefer a year she is happy with what we have.

I think it’s individual experiences and fears. I’m really afraid of bills and having no money and I don’t care if people think I’m poor. My fiancé is terrified of people thinking we are poor! But is happy with little
To no savings

I think there's a big difference between having all your bills covered but no spare money (which I have experienced) and actually having a complete insufficiency of money at all for anything (which I haven't experienced). One is skint and the other is proper poverty. When you're choosing between food and heating.

Being skint isn't much fun but at least I had a roof over our heads, heating and I learned to feed the two of us well on about £10-£15 per week.

I've had relationships with two men who had experienced proper poverty. It was a huge stressor on the relationship as it affected them so much.

One had grown up not knowing if he would eat or not, and can't throw food away, had so much anxiety around money and still decades later was on high alert in case there wasn't enough money to cover everything even though there really was. His upbringing had pervasive effects on all areas of his life, and his sense of self.

The other man was on benefits because he's not fit for work. He had had a good job but made redundant. I witnessed his downward spiral into poverty and desperation and the effects it had on him. His mental health wasn't great to start with but got worse as he can't feed himself properly or turn on the heating when he needs to. He has no proper clothes for when the weather gets really cold as it has recently, and he can't afford to buy any more. He's ill a lot. He seemed to disconnect from the world and lose perspective through his desperation - I would find him in the kitchen covertly eating leftovers or extra portions I'd put aside to freeze - he could have helped himself and sat with us to eat but instead he would do that. He stole money from me.

It has given me an abject determination to make sure my child doesn't have to experience poverty.

To eat fast and never turn down food.
To keep things in case they might be useful, in case of not being able to rebuy them.

Neither is a great habit and both have taken a lot of effort to moderate.

The guilt and shame at wasting anything, particularly food.
Actively avoiding answering a call from an unknown number.
Being really inventive at staying warm because there was no heating for the entire winter.
Appreciating a lovely hot bath or shower because there was no hot water either and you can never boil enough kettles.
Always having a well stocked cupboard just incase.

Grew up in poverty and now I’m not that much better off than my mother was financially.

I grew up in a very poor household, have lived very comfortably due to exh's good salary, and am now back to being very poor. As children we never went hungry and my dp's were never in debt. My dm would make our clothes or trawl through charity shops for second hand ones. She cut our hair very occasionally (we were known as a hippie family due to our bum length galadriel type tresses), and we always had the bills paid on time. My dm would make all food from scratch, including several loaves of bread each day. It wasn't until going to a faith secondary school, which was predominantly middle class in a very affluent area, that we knew we were poor because other kids told us we were. My dm had an unusual way of life that is at odds with the consumerism of today's society, but it kept us warm and fed. As a result I'm great at budgeting and my family are warm and fed also. I'm not as frugal as dm and I don't make all of our food completely from scratch. Xmas presents were mostly bought on ebay and we won't be having a holiday this year.

Surviving on benefits, even being comfortable on benefits, is entirely possible in this country but most of us are not taught how to do it. I was very lucky to have had a parent who was so frugal and could make money stretch. Dp has had years of debt, payday loans, ccj's and bailiffs knocking at the door because he was a single dad on minimum wage with nobody to teach him about budgeting. When he and his exw were together they could afford to repay their debts, but once they separated he was left with those once affordable repayments and took out more loans to pay those off and it spiralled out of control. Our society isn't set up to make things manageable for people in that situation. We should be taught in school how to manage money and budget for the essentials because not all parents are able to do that.

So many sad stories here.

I think there's a real mindset shift for those who experienced poverty as a child. It's often more damaging, creating patterns of behaviour and brain sets which stay with you forever. I experienced poverty as a child and it's really defined me as an adult. It has influenced my life, choices, way I bring up my kids, given me a clear perspective on what is important in life (love, warmth, food, clothing and a confidante safe home). I remember clearly the embarrassment of wearing the most awful clothes, being smelly, being permanently hungry, worrying about my patents and siblings, feeling scared, being cold.

We are very wealthy now. But my cupboards are heaving and I am obsessed with financial stability. I talk to my kids sometimes about my life because I want them to know the hardships of poverty. Poverty as a child is something you never ever get over. It stays with you. Poverty as an adult doesn't affect developing brain pathways in the same way, although it is still just as hideous.

that most people eat too much

I stockpile food, even now when we’re no longer struggling. Toilet rolls, nappies, sanitary towels, washing powder. All the things that used to run out and make me panic.
I’m also hyper aware of donating to food banks, helping friends out if they’re struggling because it’s not just the physical side of poverty, but the emotional side too. It’s crushing and demoralising, and that feeling never leaves you, even if you become financially comfortable.

I grew up in poverty and had a spell of it when my eldest child was a baby and I was pregnant with my second.

It taught me the value of things and what was 'worth it' in terms of frivolous spending to feel good vs saving to have more financial stability.
It gave me a determination to never allow my children or grandchildren if I age any to suffer like I did when I was a child.
It taught me to be frugal to 100% of my ability and to value a hot meal whatever it was.
I lost my shame when it came to "I can't afford that right now, sorry." To people and I learnt to accept generous offers and to reciprocate in free ways (such a childcare or batch cooking help)

Surviving on benefits, even being comfortable on benefits, is entirely possible in this country

It really isnt

Even on this thread there are many views of what poverty is. I agree with Powergower that poverty as a child affects your development and your adulthood. It is a tragedy that children today are experiencing such levels of poverty and that it is increasing. And that many in our society do not want to understand or do not care, there is still a culture of blame

I'm still pretty poor as in I go without food but that's so my son always has everything he needs. I'd rather go without than have him go without anything. It means I can keep the house warm for him too. I've lost almost 2 stone in around ten weeks. I work as well.

But I've been really poor before. I was in a very abusive relationship. Fell into drug addiction and was forced into selling sex by my boyfriend. I know that situation was my own choices really and take full responsibility for it and wouldn't let it happen again.

Was never in poverty but lived in a country where many were and it was very normal. I can still remember the sound of the children next door crying at night because they were hungry. It has made me utterly terrified of being poor and as a result find it very hard to do many things that others find normal, such as buying a tea/coffee outside. I only ever buy clothes in the sale and only what is necessary. Our house has nothing matching as buying new furniture seems so extravagant.

Poverty in the UK certainly exists but I do think that some people grew up in a "poverty" culture and the cycle continues. I know of a few like this, single mums who talk about being in poverty as they are on benefits and can't afford to feed their chi!dren at the weekend, yet they buy new (expensive) furniture "because it is important to have high quality" regularly or "need" the latest phone. I don't consider them to be in poverty, rather they are poor at managing and prioritizing what they have.

Im lucky, I had a good attitude to money at all ends of the spectrum. When I had less than nothing and when I was a high earner.

It's somewhat stressful having nothing, trying to juggle bills, cash flow, male sure repayments for building debts are manageable. 'Playing the game' with regard to benefits. Idkw but felt I had to keeping spinning the poor me, poor me line, to avoid getting sanctioned for small infractions, but I'm smart so got sanctions over turned or prevented from being applied. I do worry others less savvy have suffered. But the whole period as well as many other factors wore me down massively.
I could never understand as a ypung person why adults in debt eouldnt check their mail, it was just a pieces of paper surely. But tv dramas showed ppl shoving red letters and final demands, unopened into a draw. Paper can't hurt you! But I get it now, i totally get it now - I think that level of understanding and empathy will stay with me.
But my experience has also confirmed a stupid truth, I was better off on benefits than working. That government line of "making work pay". I understand why ppl wouldnt work 40hours a week and struggle to get by, when they can just claim. But I've been a 40% tax payer too. I've pay more in just tax in a year than some folks whole earnt income. So I wrestle with myself, around the idea of whether the benefits system is too generous. Whilst its generosity worked in my favour. I think I'd have come off sooner maybe if it was less supportive. But the attitude of the system wore me away, the appointments just ticked boxes they did absolutely zero to really help get work, I was perhaps not tbeor major demographic (what more skills training can you give a previously well off experienced hire, with a degree and years in industry).

I've never been a spender, im conservative with money.
I think I've learnt that attitude kept a roof over my head. But didnt keep me out of debt. I spend on my kids and other half but never myself. So going forward iv changed tbat, ive learnt i might as well/im worthy of nice things too.

It strikes me that I live in a beautiful house from my days of high earning.
At the same time my kids are eligible for free school meals.
On paper my child is the poorest 40% of 2 year olds, hence eligible for free nursery place.
We're technically below the poverty line.

The biggest difference will be not just being a careful spender, but once iv cleared my debts, I'm absolutely goimg to be a careful saver. A safety net.
I'd never really want to enter the drudgery of poverty again. That's the best way i can put it, drudgery.

Most of all I know having money doesnt make you happy, but it helps. But it's not the meaning of life.

*I was better off on benefits than working a minimum wage job

(Im better off as a high earner obv, so better off working. But minimum wage wouldnt have helped more than benefits, so was better off claiming sadly.)

The system is broke when that's true.

I've learnt that it never takes long before this type of thread turns to poor bashing and untrue claims that benefits are too generous.

JustAnotherPoster00

It is, and I know this because I live that life. I lived that life as a child, when I left home at 17 and continued at school whilst claiming income support (£27 a week for essentials the rent came out) and I lived that life after exh left and I was a single mum on PIP. I didn't say it was easy but it is possible. Our whole culture is set up to make people spend spend spend and doesn't teach how to budget when money is very tight. I was very lucky to have been taught how to make money stretch and to budget to keep out of debt by my dm. As a result I've never been hungry and I've never not paid my bills, despite living off next to nothing. I probably looked very scruffy with my secondhand clothes that I wore until they were falling apart, but I was healthy.

I'm very very fortunate to have these skills and to not have fallen into alcohol or drug dependancy. I have friends who, in the past, would spend their money on booze and weed rather than pay the bills in order to escape from reality. It's easily done when that culture is all you know.

There should be much more practical support for people who come from deprived backgrounds. It should start in childhood, in school.