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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what you learned from experiencing poverty?

265 replies

tucsontutu · 29/12/2017 12:17

I am regular poster but nc for this. Reading several threads on mn, I realize how shockingly common it is to experience financial hardships at some point in life. That got me thinking, as I was lucky enough (so far) to never have experienced that. I am not and never was a millionaire, but I definitely never had to worry about essentials like food or heating. I realize how fortunate that is. I wonder if I would be different if I had experienced poverty/ financial hardship at some point in life.

So I am wondering what stays with people after they went through poverty. If you went through financial hardship and then recovered, do you think you would be different if you never experienced that time of difficulty?

Do you find that the people you know that have always been financially comfortable think differently from those who had to fight for their material comfort? Do they have a different approach to money?

Thank you for your comments!

OP posts:
lasttimeround · 29/12/2017 19:08

I find it difficult to spend money on clothes shoes etc

I find it hard to have cold lunches as all I ate when poor was sandwiches. Homemade ones with absolute scrapings in them. Still now if I make a packed lunch I rather have leftovers, hard boiled eggs. If I make a sandwich I notice I'm a bit down sll day.

My family were poor when I was a child. Then well off, but they sent me off to study for years on almost no money at all. Students should be poor. I remember being cold a lot, leaky shoes, and hating sandwiches. Plus the panic of being asked out for something social and worrying it would cost too much.

ThePurpleSheep · 29/12/2017 19:43

I agree with those who say unless you have been there you don't really get it. And those who have been there but come out the other side, don't get that it is not possible for others to do the same. Hard work is not enough. I've worked hard since age 14, I'm nearly 40 now and still poor. I'll be poor until the day I die which under this current government will be sooner rather than later .

There are many more like me, no doubt but on the bright side we have learnt to be really good at budgeting Hmm In reality it a horribly stressful life spent juggling bills, never paying a single one until final demand, and only then by putting off something else for another few weeks.

Being able to manage on limited funds sounds like a great skill, until you realise it actually means only being able to give your kids one meal a day (really crap during school holidays when no breakfast club etc.) Forget 5 a day, its more like 5 a week here. Oh and no meals at home for me, food budget is for kids only now. I survive on coffee and what I can scavenge (not steal, it's food that would be binned) from the kitchens at work. But hey ho, I'm learning a whole bunch of life lessons from this.......

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 29/12/2017 19:52

Oh no, I certainly can see that it is not a matter of hard work, in fact many people who are poor work far more hours than people who are better of. The hard work just helps you to be ready but it is only a matter of luck to be at the right place at the right time when a good opportunity presents itself.

fatgirlslimmer · 29/12/2017 19:54

I learned that being poor and struggling to pay bills is not the same as living in poverty. I learned that people blame the people rather than society. I learned that not everyone can work their way out of poverty, again that implies that those who do not, choose not to.

Poverty left me with a constant belief that I’m not quite good enough, not worth inviting to parties as a child because I couldn’t go, not worth choosing for a team or to sit beside because my clothes might smell, knowing that people look at you with pity and your mother with distaste.

Childhood memories include a freezing house where everything felt damp, clothes, bed sheets, towels, pulling the sofa right up to the fire to keep warm, chopping wood for the fire as we had no coal. Something on toast for tea, potatoes chipped and cooked in batter so they were more filling. Sometimes newspapers for loo roll which had to be put in a bag so not to block the loo and cut up rags for periods. Wearing clothes which were given. Going to bed because there was no electric. Hiding when there was a knock at the door. And when there was no food mother used to walk us to her mothers about 6 miles away and we would stay overnight for a hot meal. The feeling of always feeling ashamed.

Mother was very loving but on her own with very little she used to clean for people and in school holidays would take us with her and yet that reinforced my feelings of not being good enough as it was a constant reminder of what we did not have. My stomach still flips now at the anxiety I felt when a girl at school told everyone my mother was their maid.

It saddens me that I still see families like this today and adults who have never really clawed their way out.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 29/12/2017 19:54

I was a FSM kid for tears. Had to collect a physical dinner ticket worth 80p from the school office every morning - amazingly they still do this at s local secondary.

Not sure what I learned really, except that as my mum said, you will always scrape by on what you have.

My teachers didn’t give a shit about my disadvantage and I got by on my own merits. Could’ve done better though. Sat out of several school trips.

I suppose one thing poverty taught me was that missing out on holidays, theatre, treats, decent food etc is that it really does limit your cultural development. I want my DCs to have experiences.

mygorgeousmilo · 29/12/2017 20:40

I think you learn a lot about compassion for others, mainly once you come out the other side. You are unblinkered, more knowing, more raw. You’ve been at rock bottom and know something of yourself that you wouldn’t have seen otherwise. It’s so hard to claw your way out of whatever bad circumstances you’ve unwittingly landed in, and you come to know that once you’ve actually been there yourself, so you have empathy for others. I genuinely believe that having experienced poverty makes you kinder, and a more rounded person. Looking back, I wouldn’t change past experiences, and yet I strive to do what I can to avoid it again.... I believe I’m stronger and better for having been through the shittiest of times, and yet I endeavour to protect my kids from it. It’s a strange thing, knowing it sort of did you the world of good, and made you live your life fully and with more appreciation, but not wanting it for your kids. I have a cupboard full of tinned stuff and supplies, I buy my kids winter coats and thermals a year in advance, all taking up tonnes of precious cupboard space but the reality of not having them there and not being able to buy my children thick coats if we were poor again makes me sick to my stomach. So I stash and stockpile in fear. I keep a separate savings account with precisely a year’s comfortable expenses in it just sitting there. I won’t touch it unless we are literally plunged into actual poverty. We are really quite comfortable now and have what we want and go on beautiful holidays, all rosy and have no reason to feel insecure financially. But. The fear never leaves you, no matter how comfortable you are later on.

MumsGoneToPieland · 29/12/2017 20:52

I grew up poor I guess in the 80s, child of a single mum on benefits then a very low wage, father didn’t pay maintenance. Free school meals and uniform grants. I was very very aware that money was tight. I was a right little Delboy school, always thinking up ways to sell things to make money.

Like a PP I strove to educate myself out of it, first of the family to go to uni, got horribly into debt with student loans, worked two jobs to get out of it, met very MC DH, got professional qualifications and life has been good since thank god! It really has been a combination of hard work and luck.

But old habits die hard. I struggle to spend money on clothes or myself. Lunch today was a reduced price stir fry thingy from the supermarket, dinner tonight includes tender stem broccoli reduced to 49p and I’m so proud of myself for finding it. Took my DD shopping for new clothes today at Tu in Sainsbury’s, wouldn’t dream of branded clothes when she’ll grow out of them within a year. Despite us having a 100k+ income. Money does get spent on education though and any extracurricular the DC enjoy. I remember when my DFiL was staying with us once and I started darning some socks. He was incredulous anyone did that anymore. I hadn’t thought twice about it as the socks just needed a bit of darning. I’m very much ‘make do and mend’ and quite enjoy the challenge most of the time.

I don’t ‘need’ to work thanks to my DH being a high earner but I do. I feel very twitchy if I don’t earn my own money, and I just can’t feel happy if I’m reliant on anyone (e.g. my DH) or the govt for benefits. I remember the feeling so well of sand shifting beneath our feet as a child when my father wouldn’t pay or the benefits changed. I hated the instability and never want to go back.

I’m very into showing my DC the meaning of money as well. They have to earn and work for things, even though I’m now in a position to spoil them (I must admit I sometimes do though, I’m hoping I’m getting the balance right!).

Rossigigi · 29/12/2017 21:13

I always had a roof over my head but rarely any food in the cupboards. If I was hungry I would have to go to my nanas. I can remember one Wednesday thinking 'I haven't eaten since Thursday' only drunk water.
I then had a good job, my children, a home but unfortunately a car accident now means I'm on benefits as I await surgery on my spine.
But I hoard food. I have two freezers full, cupboards are bursting along with the fridge. I could probably go three months without shopping and feed us all 3 meals a day.
But it's that fear of going hungry that I never want my children to experience, it's the fear I can't shake off.

user1497863568 · 29/12/2017 21:32

That men are predators.

NotTheQueen · 29/12/2017 21:55

Until I was 6, Dad worked two jobs while Mum was SAHM. Then my parents won the lottery (really!). It wasn’t millions of pounds as this was the early 80s, but it was five times the value of their bog standard three bed home. For the next years, life was good - I remember we were a novelty as we had a microwave, everyone had waterbeds and we got both a swimming pool and a spa pool.
When I was 10, a recession hit and my parents divorced. My mum took up with a series of ‘unsuitable’ men. The child maintenance got spent on her social life and their needs; we wore cheap canvas runners and ate weetabix for dinner. At 13 I was put out to work part time, and she took every penny. There was always money for her perms and cigarettes and buying steak for her lovers, but margarine on our bread was a treat. We moved around a lot, I went to five schools inside of two years, and I remember one teacher calling my mum in and offering to take me in as she was worried I was wasting my academic talents. I left school at 16 with 3 subjects on my certificate; we were charged per subject we sat, and she wouldn’t pay for any, and what I managed to hide from my part time job only covered 3, so I took English, History and Math. Also they were changing the school uniform and I couldn’t afford the new items which cost 230 even in the 90s. Even then, she wasn’t finished, she started racking up debt in my name before I went NC.
I’ve had stages since where things have been very tight, and I’ve had times where I’ve been reckless. We have a reasonable mortgage which we overpay but no other debt, and we have 25k in savings. I’ve since done a undergrad part time (couldn’t do full time, afraid of the debt) and will do my masters next year. I’m petrified of being poor in our retirement and I track our expenses religiously, but the savings I make, I use to treat us. So this Christmas I got a Dyson hair dryer and the man got an xbox. We had iPhone 4s for for almost 6 years, and we expect our iPhone 6s to do the same length of service. Much like other posters our cupboards are stocked with bargain buys which are non perishables like canned tomatoes and laundry powder. Our cat sitter thought we were members of a weird ‘end of the world’ planning group when she opened the cupboards. My husband wavers between calling me careful and cheap.
My brother works every hour given and is always wheeling and dealing (legally!) yet his kids are clothed via eBay. My sister has wardrobes full of clothes and shoes, but is 25k in debt and rents. So it affects differently.

ghostmouse · 29/12/2017 22:46

I didn't grow up poor,my parents were middle class my dad was an engineer and my mum always had high upnsecretarial jobs. We always had a holiday touring Europe in the caravan every year andweekends away in the UK, so I never realised what it was to live in poverty until I had my third child and I was 30. Due to circs our benefits were stoppedand we had nothing. No food, no gas or electric, dp was being an absolute dickhead with money and stealing from me as well as his employer but somehow finding enough for fags and his pub hobby every week.

We are more sorted now but I still live in fear of the post, I hoard tons of food and I hide money everywhere I can even its fifty pence. I try not to get my hair cut. I work full time now but I still have some rough months

My mum has never experienced poverty and she and her dp will regularly spend 150 pounds for the two of them in sainsbos then try and say they o ly have 100 pound left and that its their skint week Hmm

HintBean · 29/12/2017 22:54

I have lived in poverty and I struggle with not being financially secure. If I didn't have 1K savings I would start panicking. DH on the other hand had a very comfortable upbringing and doesn't have this type of fear.

HintBean · 29/12/2017 22:56

I find it really hard to spend on my own clothes as that was the only area that I completely stopped sending on. Even now I am sometimes reminded how having an avocado or a crossaint or even fruit is a treat.

berni140 · 29/12/2017 23:43

Went from being brought up upper middle class to very much on the breadline after we had kids and I had to leave work as childcare was crippling us. Hubby has a good job but we bought an apartment when we first got married, can't sell it and so pay rent and half of mortgage (we rent out, get half mortgage). At the times we have money I still find myself panicking if I even spend the smallest amount of money over what we planned for. I worry about any bills that come in and our food shopping is strict. I don't buy clothes unless for example I run out of trousers, in which case Id buy from a supermarket or Primark. The kids pretty much live off hand me downs. We don't go out, get takeaway, buy books or music and our holidays consist of day trips. You get used to it tbh, and we talk to the kids about money but don't worry them. The only thing is when you think about savings or owning a home and then you get that ball of dread in your stomach. I think the biggest thing is when something extra comes up like a medical bill or school bill or you need heating or something. We've gone two weeks moving an electric heater from room to room at night and sitting up in the kids rooms because we had no money for heating and the kids have missed school twice because we hadn't even a fiver for petrol. That being said we're lucky we have a good wage coming in, we just have high bills.

berni140 · 29/12/2017 23:46

Notthequeen Congrats for your achievements, great job👍

Weezol · 29/12/2017 23:57

Fear.

When an envelope from the DWP drops through the door I feel physically sick. I assume fight or flight behaviours as it took four years, a support worker and every last ounce of self esteem I had to get the state to admit that they finally agreed with my specialists, GP and surgical teams that I am unfit for work.

An envelope came on Christmas Eve, fortunately a friend was due to arrive shortly. He took the envelope out of my shaking hands and opened and read it for me. As it has been so cold, I have qualified for the special payment of £25.

Rossigigi · 30/12/2017 00:17

I had the same letter today, and the same fear! Glad it is not only me!

everybodysang · 30/12/2017 00:19

It's affected me in quite weird ways. I cannot bear to share finances with DH (this is mostly because exH was dreadful with money). I ran up a lot of debt which I will be paying back for years. I panic if I am hungry - I've only just begun to realise this, I'm very overweight and I am realising that I really panic eat if I feel hungry, which I hate.
I try and treat DD if we are out to things like ice cream and we go to the cinema and theatre lots. I try very hard not to spoil her but I want her to have more 'yes' than 'no, we can't afford it' in her life.

Goingalonenow · 30/12/2017 00:31

I recently left an abusive marriage and I'm now experiencing poverty. I work (minimum wage, unsociable hours) and struggle. I can feed DD but not always myself, I sleep on a sofa, I panic about every penny.

I had a poor childhood so I'm prepared. Outwardly nobody knows how little I have. My heart breaks for my daughter but she's too young to realise.

I see it as something this simple - I finish work at 2am this morning. It's raining heavily and it's cold. I will walk the 40 minutes back to my flat because poverty means I can't get a taxi, nor can I eat when I get home or put the heating on. DD is with my DM so she's warm. I will be cold.

Bellamuerte · 30/12/2017 00:43

I grew up in poverty and I'm a terrible miser despite having a decent family income nowadays. We couldn't afford expensive non-essentials such as soft drinks so I never got a taste for them and still have a habit of drinking water. I also got used to living in a freezing cold house so can't stand to have the heating turned up. DH was quite well off so he has soft drinks every day and whinges about the house being too cold!

Weezol · 30/12/2017 00:48

Rossi Brew Cake

MrsGloop · 30/12/2017 01:12

I have enormous pride that my children are not being raised in the same situation I was. I am the younger child of teenage parents. Council estate, manual labor, never having anything. Constantly being told “We can’t afford it”, getting birthday presents that were clearly freebies that my dad cadged at work.

The thing that strikes me sometimes is my attitude to second-hand/non branded clothes is very different to some of my (solidly middle class) peers. They buy their kids used stuff and are proud of their thriftiness. I hate rooting through charity shops because it takes me back to wearing hand me downs.

I am very hot on the children knowing how privileged they are (and they really are, our earnings would have been mind boggling to the 10-year-old me.) alas, I also have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about it and intensely dislike a couple of the neighbors’ kids who are deeply privileged and have no bloody idea.

Openup41 · 30/12/2017 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Tringley · 30/12/2017 01:26

I grew up quite poor as my dad was a binman and my mum a stay at home parent (as were the mother of all my peers in those days). We lived in a new council house in what was initially a nice estate but my parents felt the niceness wouldn't last and my dad, recognising my mum's excellent money management skills, left the finances in her control. So they scrimped and saved a deposit for a house in a nicer area and bought a 'worst house on the best street' they could afford.

My mum never, ever made any bones about the fact that we weren't well off. We were told it and we accepted it. As we got older she'd let us see my dad's payslip, show us the taxes out, detail all our outgoings, show us what she saved, including an untouchable £2 a week for Christmas. We new how to make do and mend (my dad's job as a binman yielded many of our refreshed and treasured belongings) and we learned how to see through advertising branding and recognise real value. I was 7 when we moved into our house and I knew what a mortgage was and how the interest was calculated over the term. How much they'd borrowed, how much they'd have to pay back monthly and eventually. How it meant we now had less disposable income than before and how the 'new' house needed a lot of work which would take time and money.

I watched and joined in as my parents taught themselves to paint, plaster, plumb, basic electrical work, upholster, glaze etc. And every last money saving effort they'd make and could almost literally turn a sows ear into a silk purse, or at least a dumped horrible sofa and a pair of thick curtains from a charity shop into a brand new gorgeous sofa or a load of old planks and windows from a skip into beautiful built in units. We had no money to spare but we had everything we needed and most things we wanted thanks to their ingenuity, imagination and by being completely honest with us they weren't under any pressure to give us things they couldn't afford.

At 33 my dad became very ill with a rare condition that took many years to diagnose. In that time he was able to work less and less and his income was about a third of what it had been. My mum couldn't go out to work as she needed to care for my dad so she started childminding, which made up some of the shortfall. If we had still been in the council estate their rent would have been reduced, there was no such grace with a mortgage. (The had PPI but without a diagnosis they wouldn't pay out.) We went from managing poor to seriously struggling. My parents spent years unable to replace leaking shoes. Luckily I never had much of a teen growth spurt so I wore the exact same school uniform from 1st year to graduation, right down to the same two pairs of socks that I learned to darn because they were stupid brown socks that cost £13 a pair.

It wasn't the easiest of times and I can't say I didn't sometimes resent my wealthy friends (who I now recognise were just ordinary middle class but I thought were rich.) But my well-off best friend's mother died around the time my dad started getting ill and it was always glaringly obvious to me that family and health was worth a damn lot more than money. My dad was eventually diagnosed with a non-life-threatening condition that became reasonably manageable once diagnosed. It cost him his truck licenses and when a number of experimental surgeries failed, he was found unfit for work. He was on a pension by his late thirties the PPI company eventually had to pay off the mortgage, some year later.

So now my parents, while not wealthy are very comfortable. Because their wants are few and they know how to acquire raw materials and make pretty much anything they want. The effect it has had on me is that I strongly prioritise time with my family over money and know how to live extremely well on a tiny income. I also have a tendency to plan far ahead and play a very long-game financially which meant I bought my own house for cash at 35. This allows me to live very, very well on an income that is considered to be below the poverty line.

Fuckit2017 · 30/12/2017 01:46

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