To ask what you learned from experiencing poverty?

[tucsontutu]

I am regular poster but nc for this. Reading several threads on mn, I realize how shockingly common it is to experience financial hardships at some point in life. That got me thinking, as I was lucky enough (so far) to never have experienced that. I am not and never was a millionaire, but I definitely never had to worry about essentials like food or heating. I realize how fortunate that is. I wonder if I would be different if I had experienced poverty/ financial hardship at some point in life.

So I am wondering what stays with people after they went through poverty. If you went through financial hardship and then recovered, do you think you would be different if you never experienced that time of difficulty?

Do you find that the people you know that have always been financially comfortable think differently from those who had to fight for their material comfort? Do they have a different approach to money?

Thank you for your comments!

I remember the shame of poverty more than anything else from my childhood.
It means I really struggle with not working even though as a trailing spouse I can't always.
I buy too much food and too many toys for the DC. I have to work to keep my house uncluttered.
I buy almost all of my clothes during the sales from mid price brands.
Most of my house stuff from tjmax and the like. I really don't need to but I struggle to spend full price on things.
I am delighted my DC have never worried about money but irritated at how much they take for granted at the same time. My DH points out that having fitting clean clothes and shoes is just normal and they shouldn't have to be grateful for this.

I've gone to opposite way. Used to have a good job, no dependants and a lovely life style.

Shit happened and I'm now in a position where every penny is accounted for but recently I've run out of pennies. Which means during this cold snap me and my son have moved into the living room as I can only afford to put the gas fire on.

I fell down stairs on the 22nd, can't afford to get medical advice until the 4th. Have run out of pain killers again can't afford to buy any until the 4th. In too. In to much pain and scared to actually go through the calendar and figure out which bills are due out to actually check I can get help on the 4th or if I'll have to wait another two weeks.

I learned that many people in our society throw away perfectly good things: toys, furniture, clothes. Sorry if this has already been said, I have not read the whole thread. I learned to use the rejected things from other people to build a home for my own children.

Growing up in severe poverty made me very fearful. It's made me work incredibly hard and sometimes I have sacrificed my mental wellbeing because of that.

nix sorry if I seem dim here, don't want to tell gran to suck eggs.etc. is there anyone you can borrow money off for medical advice? What country are you in, here if you see Dr they give you medication free if they think you need it? Any family, friends, Eben a neighbor? I know if one ofy neighbors was in your position I'd do my best to help out. Ring you local drs? Assume you're not in UK so not sure how it works but maybe they could sort something out/have some options.for you? Otherwise, ice, rest, plenty of fluids. How old is son? If not so baby let him entertain himself with toys/tv/books etc. Have him make a den for you to 'judge'. Be kind to yourself

DH says a time of poverty in his twenties turned him into a lifelong socialist, having come from a family of Tories.

Poverty in my own life has made me deeply appreciative of the comfortable life we have now. DS1 pointed out to me that I spend a lot of money on treats and luxuries that we all get a lot of pleasure from but absolutely never fritter a penny on anything we don't really want or need. I never waste money but do often blow it on good treats.

It has also made me extremely aware of what I don't want DC to go through. They always have good, well fitting shoes, warm coats, plenty of money for socialising with friends, the correct kit for school trips etc.

But it's also made me completely indifferent to branding and status spending. I don't give a stuff where clothes are bought or what car people drive or how high up the slope their chuffing ski chalet is. And I never judge others on what they have, only on how they behave.

I come from a middle class family and was married to a wealthy man and have experienced two periods of hardship that have definitively shaped what my priorities are nowadays. I feel richer nowadays even when I live on far less money than I did before:

1st period: Rebelled against the studies and university my parents chose for me. I didn’t qualify for student loans so I had to survive on my own (they only paid for the tuition fees but they stoppped as soon as I got a job in a cafeteria).

It was bad, I lost so much weight, I looked decidedly anorexic and remember fainting of hunger while at university. What I learned: when you are clear about what you want things fall into place, I cannot tell you how many people supported me through this period, from the ones that bought me lunch to the janitor who provided all materials I needed for my art course from things people. You can really trust that as long as you know what you want and work hard, the universe will not let you fail.

Second time around... I married into a wealthy family (think yacht in the mediterranean, multimillion business, etc) but I was not happy, so I split from my husband, when I had a very little income after years of being the SAHM who firmly believed he wouldn’t do anything that could put his son into hardship. I was wrong, he used his money to work as hard as law permitted it to destitute us and once he did, disappeared from the face of earth. There were sometimes when the only think that gave me the peace of mind that things would be all right was seeing enough food in the kitchen cupboard yet, despite the (huge) financial worries, I was much happier than I had been in my life.

What I learned is that you can have a very good life by being thrifty (not tight) and choose to spend the money in things you really care about. And again, life takes care of you as long as you remain positive and work hard. You don’t need a lot of money to have a fantastic life.

Ellelondon

I never buy clothes from a charity shop for my DC as I hated this as a child.

But you do realise that when people buy from a Charity shop that they are HELPING other people in poverty. Yes?

With 4 children and one salary I often had to listen to my parents' strained whispered conversations about money being tight. Which meant I never felt entitled to ask for new clothes, a nice bicycle or other "luxuries" when growing up. It would have caused tension for days and a guilt trip if they ever bought it. Their situation improved over the years but their mind-set didn't. They left a surprising amount of money when they died.

I've had my share of struggling as a student and in first jobs where any spending had to be the minimum and food was basic brand only but I always paid my own way. When we first got married we were poor due to a high mortgage, in the hope of career advancement which thankfully came. PIL used to invite us for Sunday lunch and send us home with enough "leftovers " to see us through the week. At one point we had to negotiate monthly payments for a big gas bill, another we sold some unwanted jewellery. That was my introduction to frugal budgeting which I still practise today.

I know that if things are hard I have the resources to cut down successively on the luxuries we allow ourselves but keep an acceptable standard of living.

In 2017 we had two periods of cashflow problems (for good reasons each time) and we had the choice of either defrosting a lump of our savings and keeping our normal, comfortable lifestyle, or having three months of "lockdown". Guess which one I chose...
We'll be back to what I consider "normal" (3 months' salary in the current account) in January.

BUT...I have the luxury of knowing it won't be forever. We have our health and the benefit of marketable qualifications. The worst thing about true poverty is its relentless, soul-destroying feeling of helplessness.

I grew up in poverty but now live in a very wealthy part of the SE

I would say - it has taught me to be totally self reliant and also value education very highly. I also ensure that my children do not waste food and realise how lucky they are

Growing up in a council house with an outside loo has made me have great bladder control!

We had little money. I remember my friends getting all sorts of things for Christmas. I was never jealous. I never even considered asking for anything. Our highlight was to visit family at my grandparents house after lunch on Christmas Day, we really looked forward to those few hours and it is that that I think of as my happy Christmas memories.

Sorry about the length...
Basically, my message is that you can find a way out with method, skills, optimism, good health and a sprinkling of luck.

That's awful, Placebo. :(

I haven't been poverty stricken but have been very tight for money - and like others, the things that stay with me are to keep a spare of everything you think is essential (DH accuses me of having enough supplies for months, but not really) and, less fortunately, to hoard stuff that "might be useful" rather than throw it away.

He was brought up in a struggling-for-money family as well, owing to his Dad's illness; but sadly, his own ability to work from the age of 15 (he left school then and got a well-paid apprenticeship) left him not really appreciative of the value of things, so he will leave stuff out in the rain to be ruined, and then say "well just buy a new one then!" when I complain. I'd rather he put things away so we didn't HAVE to spend out year after year on the same stuff - but I'm not being his mother and cleaning up after him either.

I remember when I was a student and in an abusive relationship (didn't realise it at the time and had a lucky escape when he moved on to someone new) - I was using my credit card to help him out, and he had promised to pay me back - ha bloody ha! I properly had palpitations when I opened my statement, I couldn't pay that back and the interest payable was nearly 3 figures! My own fault for not paying attention and being taken in by him. Luckily for me, my Dad helped me out - I had to pay him back but at least I wasn't paying stupid amounts of interest to do so.

But even that feeling was enough to put the fear of not having enough money right through me, and it stays with me all the time.

I get very angry that so many people are now in need of food banks and on the poverty line; there's just no need for that to be still happening! And yet it is. :(

Rottweiler

Perhaps Elle supports others in other ways where possible? I admit I’m the same, I don’t buy stuff for my DCs in charity shops, but I do donate to charity shops, buy other stuff (eg household stuff), donate money to charities and food banks, local projects etc.

I grew up in a poor area but was the only one in my class to have stuff from Oxfam, and got teased for it by other poor kids! Not sure I’m prepared to risk that for my DCs if I don’t have to, sad as that may sound.

I've been poor enough as an adult to have had no shoes. I had a pair of slippers and that was all. They lasted a very long time but I had to pretend I was just slightly eccentric and preferred them to shoes because it would have shamed me too much to admit that I couldn't afford anything better. Fortunately I lived near the shore and was able to pick shellfish to eat, or I would have starved. There was no heating in my house (northern end of Scotland, so very cold!).
I learnt two lessons- the first is that people will invent reasons for your poverty, or screen themselves from an obligation to help. My mother (who was actually the cause of the situation) used to go on endlessly about how I had no heating because I was too lazy, and blame my poor diet on faddy habits. She knew I had no money because she was my employer and refused to pay me for months and months. In the end it was a choice between no relationship with her, ever, or being able to eat. Friends just behaved as if I was a bit scatty and forgot to buy food or milk or whatever. They knew the truth because I'd told them, but the pretence was more comfortable for them.
The second lesson is that a fully stocked store cupboard enables peaceful sleep. I now buy basic cheap foods in bulk and could feed my family for a month or so without spending money if I had to. My kids laugh at the huge catering containers of lentils, the trays of tinned tomatoes and the sacks of couscous and rice, but there have been times when those things have made the difference between severe stress and just pulling something together from the store cupboard.

That hunger really is the best sauce.

will invent reasons for your poverty

Yes, this is very common. As a single parent, I have had people say to my face that it is all my fault, I should have married a better man etc etc. I am fortunate that I was never really poor - I knew my family would pay bills or cover emergencies if I really needed it. But the difficulties of juggling, of knowing way more was going to have to go out than come in, of having no savings, the worry if the washing machine made a funny noise, the fear of running out of basics like pasta or bread, it all takes a very heavy emotional toll.

It has made me good with money. I have learnt to stockpile when things are on sale or on offer, to not buy what I don’t actually need (one pair of shoes on the go at any time, for example). I shop in sales, Christa,s shopping starts now for next year. I save nectar points and Quidco cash by letting them all build up to use in emergencies. I worry - constantly - about the what ifs, and despite now having savings, I am terrified of having to use them so I no longer have them.

I donate to the local food bank monthly -a bit of an indulgence on my part that whilst I had family support, not everyone does and I hope to help those people just a little.

I definitely agree with the sentiment that people will invent reasons for your poverty. I was accused of being selfish getting pregnant whilst homeless...nobody seemed to give a stuff that actually i had been illegally forced out of my job because of my pregnancy.

I remember another time when i felt like such a shit mum due to money - i was working 50+ hours a week but had had my tax credits stopped whilst they 'investigated' me. My wage was shit, it covered my rent, council tax & childcare each month, that was it. I depended on my tax credits to keep us going each month. I sat with my boss one day & sobbed my heart out because i had to choose between £20 shoes for my DD or £20 fuel in the car so i could work. My boss & her MIL (family run company, both experienced single mum being skint) gave me £50 to get DD shoes & fill my car.

I think sometimes, as well never really knowing what hardship is in the true sense, people don't realise that even people who work their asses off often struggle

Rottweiler- of course I understand that buying from charity shops helps others.I choose to help others in different ways both financially and otherwise.

We were poor when we first moved in together. It lasted 3 years until DH hit a better paying job and I left uni and went to work.

I'm glad we had the experience as it taught me the difference between want and need, but am very glad we did not have DS then.

The last week before payday we used to go to MIL for dinner several times and would take home leftovers.

Unexplainable angst over paying 5p for a carrier bag and then justifying it with its extra uses, either as bin liner or carrier for football boots...

Feeling grateful for the opportunity to give..

when people buy from a Charity shop that they are HELPING other people in poverty

they might, but I am not sure that's the main drive for people to buy second-hand clothes

Even though we are well off now I grew up in a very low income family. I’m always prepared for a future we’re we might not have much. I stockpile tins and never sign up for any ongoing costs, still PAYG phones not long term contacts etc.

It's just really, really exhausting.