To ask what you learned from experiencing poverty?

[tucsontutu]

I am regular poster but nc for this. Reading several threads on mn, I realize how shockingly common it is to experience financial hardships at some point in life. That got me thinking, as I was lucky enough (so far) to never have experienced that. I am not and never was a millionaire, but I definitely never had to worry about essentials like food or heating. I realize how fortunate that is. I wonder if I would be different if I had experienced poverty/ financial hardship at some point in life.

So I am wondering what stays with people after they went through poverty. If you went through financial hardship and then recovered, do you think you would be different if you never experienced that time of difficulty?

Do you find that the people you know that have always been financially comfortable think differently from those who had to fight for their material comfort? Do they have a different approach to money?

Thank you for your comments!

I've been destitute and I didn't like that

I have never been poor and neither has DH. But DH's parents were poor as children. So poor a leaf from a table was chopped up for firewood by Mils parents whose mother cleaned. Fils father didn't work and he was hungry.

Their misery carried on. Everything was eked out MIL has never bought a piece of clothing outside the sales. She never sorted things like teeth etc because her children's teeth weren't covered fully on the NHS. My DH had to have his front teeth crowned at 24 due to this. DH and his sister's had to share an ice cream on holiday and they remember being hungry. Every single penny was counted and stinger over. They could not forget their misery. Their DC left home at 18, two for different continents.

When FIL died there was over a million in the bank. The legacy of poverty - too mean to provide for your children. Their glasses were always half empty.

My DDad and DH both grew up in poverty. They both worry a lot about money, even though they have it now. DH always has to have money 'on his hip.' DDad hides money around the house. Every decision they make is down to one question, will we still have a roof over our heads if it goes wrong?
Saying that I have a DF who grew up in utter poverty and she spends money like it's water.

I grew up with very little money. It meant only the bottom half of the house had heating, a gas fire no central heating and it was the 70's/80's. In winter we would wear pyjamas plus wooly hat to bed with blankets and our coat on top of blankets. Christmas money we received from relatives was always 'borrowed' to pay bills, we never saw it again. My parents argued constantly about money. We often had second hand clothes. As an adult I'm terrified of being 'poor', it's a horrible way to live.

I am fortunate not to have experienced poverty but I have a couple of friends who grew up very poor. They don't know each other. One made the active decision never to have children and the other the decision to only have one child as they are too scared of something going wrong and repeating the cycle they grew up in.

Its made me stock up constantly.
Clothes
Food
Bedding
Its made me attach far too much value to fairly ordinary things. Stuff I wouldn't have been able to afford back then. That can mean anything from a lunch box to a pair of kids jeans from GAP
Its made me anxious and awaiting the next disaster
It means I have never had a credit card or loans. I will not get into debt to buy things. Bills get paid first. I am not having bailiffs come round and frighten my kids.

Most of all its made me scared for my future. I am terrified of being old and poor.

I'm the same as you Dailymail and struggle to throw things out. When I first started working I was horrendous with money because for the first time in my life I could 'have' things. I spent and spent and spent and ended up in horrendous debt. Then from my mid 30's once I'd truly moved in to adulthood and had a more responsible outlook I've gone the other way and have to have money in savings, have to know I can pay my bills.

I'm very judgemental about people wasting their money when they can't afford it. I'm tight with money. I have a nest egg of emergency cash that comforts me. I hoard food.

I keep a close eye on what I'm spending but then sometimes go mad and feel guilty afterwards. I don't spoil myself or enjoy treating myself enough regularly. I resent it when I'm spending my money on things and not really enjoying them.

When I was a child we always lived in large, cold houses and there were times we didn't have much money and times when we had plenty. I was oblivious to it most of the time. I remember feeling embarrassed that my family were begging for money from friends and relatives. I remember shame when my parents didn't pay back money they owed and missing the people themselves that disappeared from our lives. I remember thinking how they needed to stop wasting money on stupid stuff and buy essentials. I had no control over their spending and I got involved with a partner who was very similar.

I felt very angry that my parents put their enjoyment above their children's security. My parents had dreams that didn't match with regular work and a regular wage.

Does MN just have a more working-class, less well off kind of audience or are people in general really struggling?

I think one of the best things about Mumsnet is that is attracts all sorts. People think of it as very middle class, yummy mummy territory (and yes, there are days), but I think it's a really diverse place where I feel comfortable.

Nowadays, I tend to fall into the middle class (not really feeling very yummy) mummy category to people who don't really know me, and no-one would guess how poor we were when I was growing up (colleagues think I'm posh, I just never lived in one place long enough to pick up an accent- keep moving, debtors don't catch you was my mum's motto).

Being poor, really poor, never leaves you. I don't like opening post, even though we're not struggling, I search for bargains when I don't have to and I have recently realised I hoard food (if the Zombie apocalypse comes my cupboards are full of tins, pasta, rice etc.). I am also quite insecure in social situations, but I have learned to hide it very well, you honestly would never know.

That people who haven't experienced it really can't understand it.

^ This.

What did I learn?

Always have tins in that can make a meal. (Soup, spaghetti etc)

Use everything, never waste good food.

Keep a plentiful supply of essentials like toilet roll, cat food, etc.

DH struggles to understand why I refuse to throw out of date food out and I always buy 24 pack of toilet rolls. He’s never been poor.

I’ve stopped smoking now but when I smoked always had a weeks worth of cigarettes in the house.

I was beyond poor or hard up, I lost my job and had no entitlement to benefits, hence no money at all. Friends and family looked after me, but the fear of having nothing in the cupboards again has changed how I shop now. Always have to have at least one replacement in stock.

That actually you don't need that much to live well.

I have never been in total poverty, like some here, but I have been totally skint at various times of my life. I learned to budget carefully. My DD's have learned my budgeting skills. I am very fortunate enough now to pretty comfortable ( far from rich), and this has happened only in the last year. I still look for a bargain and am just building up my savings again.
I regularly donate a portion of my income to foodbanks, toy appeals etc, as there for the grace of God.

You certainly realise who you can rely on and who you can’t. You also learn what is a necessity and what is a luxury and how to budget

I learnt that:

People do not believe when you have hit rock bottom and truly have nothing left to sell.

People do not believe that you have no money to get a bus to the nearest library 7 miles away or the bus service that used to run there has been cut or the library itself no longer exists, so it is considered profligacy to have an internet connection. Even when job searches must be done online on pain of sanction, but if you have no internet connection and the above apply to your area you are screwed.

That people think there is always another 50p to be found down the back of the sofa.

That there must be some food at the back of the cupboard you have forgotten about.

That the fact you are in this position is entirely your fault. You should have had clairvoyance to see your partner would leave/become violent leading you to flee with nothing/die.
You should have also foreseen that your place of work was going to close down or was going to decide to let you go.
That the children you had whilst in a stable relationship shouldn't have been born if you didn't have a nest egg to cover every eventuality including single parenthood and severe disablement of you/partner or child. That people believe they would rather those children be in state care than yours as they cost the tax payer too much to keep (despite the fact that they cost more in care).

Disabled yourself? Well there must be some work you can do or you did something to cause your disability.
Disabled child? You must have known before you had them and you should suffer in silence because you are only scrounging disability benefits, any sensible person would have thought of the tax payer and had an abortion.

People would rather see those in poverty punished for any reason they can find than believe society has failed them.

I think being constantly hungry has a child taught me really bad food habits. I buy too much food - our freezer is chock full. The cupboards are full. I also eat too much - when we were given proper meals you wolfed them down because you never knew when he was going to snap and remove them. I was 7 when my grandparents took us so those habits were formed very young.

I also learned that there's nothing people won't do to feed their family if they care. My Nana was a proud woman. Polite, proper etc. I have a very distinct memory of her arguing/tellling a man in a cafe that we'd paid for our meal when we hadn't. She cried when we got home, but she did it to feed my sister and I.

No-one would really ever guess now. Nice house, nice husband, 6 kids, money in the bank, but it doesn't go away. I still stock the cupboards like we might be skint tomorrow. And I still have to be very, very conscious that I don't feed my kids like they'd starve tomorrow.

I also get irrationally angry and people bemoaning how skint they are when they are nowhere near skint. That's something I really had to work out. I laughed when I met my DH and he said that he'd had to break into his 'emergency £100' to take Ds1 swimming one month just before payday and was 'completely and utterly pratted'. If you've paid all the bills, have cupboards full of food and are breaking into your 'emergency £100' to go swimming then you are not totally skint. If you are deciding between food or heat then you are pratted. If your child can't go to school because they damaged their shoes and you can't replace them then you are pratted. It's a whole other world and people just don't truly understand it.

The shame, anxiety and uncertainty definitely.

Also, a 'look after the pennies' mindset, of never spending more than I have to, shopping around, planning purchases etc. And picking up and banking all the copper that dh leaves lying around the house

Poverty is endlessly exhausting. Constantly trying to save a little money on groceries to make sure there’s enough rent at the end of the month, ongoing terror about what bill has been left unpaid too long, and when you do have the time and energy to raise your head and look at the horizon you wonder if it’s ever going to change, and how.

Poverty was coming home from work and bursting into tears in the kitchen because I was so tired and there was nothing in the fridge for dinner.

Poverty is scraping up handfuls of noodles that fell on the ground to eat because there’s nothing else.

Poverty is cold and wet all winter long, with holes in shoes and inadequate coats.

Poverty is chasing the landlord around in a panic because you finally scrounged up a roll of coins and can make the rent.

Poverty is unrelenting fear and exhaustion, hunger and discomfort. It has nothing to recommend it.

I admit I've skimmed through this, but I too would like to know which publication you hope to profit from by extracting from the replies?

As a child and young adult I’ve experienced poverty, only food wenhad was free school meals, socks as sanitary hygiene, no heating, no hot water, etc... my parents were/had mental health issues were alcoholics, and with that abuse followed us also.

As a teen I convinced myself that I was not subjecting myself to the lifestyle my family and extended family were born into/followed their parents footsteps etc...

4 months before my 17 Birthday, I moved to England, got accepted into college/university and worked full time also, it was hard, exhausting not only physically but mentally, however my hard work has been my success, and one of the things I’m most proud of.

My children will never experience my childhood.

I have lived in poverty at times as a child and as an adult in my 20s. It is a miserable existence. I felt powerless and ashamed. In a very different position now and don't ever have to worry about bills. I never buy clothes from a charity shop for my DC as I hated this as a child. We buy what what we want when we want it and don't scrimp. We have provision if-we can't work for any reason.No one had given us the money; we have earned it. I feel very lucky and never forget what it's like not to have this freedom.

Berwick the OP has posted under her usual name, explained her thinking and continued to use the NC so as not to confuse this thread!

Back on page 1 I think!

It’s taught me how to live relatively well on a modest income.

I’ve leaned what matters to me most ( in financial terms ) which is a secure roof over my head. To achieve that I worked at two jobs for years and didn’t have kids until I had that security.

It’s made me reluctant to waste money .

Lost of things that others see as essentials, I see as luxuries.

It’s taken me years not to feel guilty about spending any money on myself , even though I can well afford it now.

Like curious, I am at people who tell me that I am lucky because everyhthing came to me so easily

I was only really poor during a short period of my life, in my late 40s when I was made redundant but hadn't been there long enough for a payout.

It was at a time of high unemployment and the overriding memory of that time was that virtually 100% of my waking hours were spent trying to find work, worrying how I was going to pay off credit card debt that hadn't seemed important whilst I was working, and worrying how I was going to pay bills.

If I did one day's temp work it would screw up my unemployment benefit and I would be worse off but I felt since it might lead to more work I had to do odd days. Eventually I got a longish term full-time temp job which led to an offer of permanent employment. It was for the sort of work I had been doing a couple of decades previously for 50% of my previous wage but I grabbed it and by taking various tests over the next six months my salary got somewhat closer to my previous job.

I prioritised paying late bills, paid off my credit card and then tore it up and haven't had one since. I learned to live perfectly well on less which is just as well since I now live on my oap and a miniscule private pension.

I had an extremely abusive dysfunctional upbringing by my mother, we were constantly getting chucked out of rented properties that she failed to keep clean and tidy or failed to keep up rent payments on, we moved 12 times in 14years.

I rarely had suitable or clean clothing, a adult friend of mine knew what was happening and I would sneak out dirty clothes in my school bag and take them round her house and she would wash and dry them and return them to me by the end of school. She was my saviour in that respect and will never know how much that meant to me.

We never ate out, we never went on holidays, birthday and Christmas presents were unstated and frequently taken back by my mother after Christmas.
She had a car but it was very old and would constantly break down, I remember lots of times as a child of 8//9/10 pushing the car up the road.
The house was always freezing, we never had carpets And the curtains never properly fit the windows as they would taken from property to property and never replaced.
As an older teen I went into care where I would get pocket money and a clothing allowance etc and learnt to budget money

Nowadays we are not well off, although there’s potential for further income as I don’t work at the moment, but we manage and the children although not spoilt or overindulge don’t really want for much(except maybe a holiday, but their dad takes them every yr so I don’t feel too bad about that)
my children know the rough outline of my childhood and I remind them to never bully or critisise others as they don’t know what Home life that other person has got(I remember getting bullied both at home and outside and at school, hellish)

I’m not bad with money, haven’t got savings which is something we’re aiming to put right after our debts are paid, but all bills are always paid and we don’t have a massive amount of debt.
I often give to homeless on the streets, often give to just giving causes I feel are worth while, give to foodbanks a few times a year and give monthly to a local charity and the air ambulance.
I often think those who have the least, give the most.