You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas if you have no intention of catering for them?

[Trueheart1]

You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas dinner if you have no intention of catering for them?

I am a vegetarian. I went to my MIL's for Christmas dinner and all I could eat was Brussels sprouts, peas, carrots and potatoes. Without gravy!

The stuffing, gravy etc.. all had animal products.

There were 14 of us in total and 3 of us were very disappointed vegetarians.

I usually host and make sure everyone is catered for. I felt quite irritated, as I had offered to bring any part of the meal and if she had told me she was not catering for the vegetarians, I would have done it.

My MIL is very traditional and supports fox hunting. I suspect that she does not agree with being vegetarian and this was her passive aggressive way of showing that.

In every other way she is lovely and a great MIL. She wants us to come again next year. How do I politely make sure this does not happen again?

YANBU but I doubt your MIL did it on purpose. Have a word with your husband, and maybe offer to purchase a quorn roast next year (for you.) It takes an hour to cook and tastes pretty decent. And veggie gravy can be bought.

We use these.

In neither region nor the Far East would complaining about the food provided by your host be acceptable, in my experience anyway.

My experience of hosts in Eastern Europe and the Middle East is that they would regard it as an appalling failure of hosting to have one guest with a plate of boiled veg whilst the others tucked in to a full celebratory meal.

I wish I could say I admire you for planning to go again next year, but personally I think she knows this which is why she didn't bother in the first place.
She will do the same again next christmas no doubt, and will be offended if you bring your own food. Why do you want to go somewhere where you are made to feel so unwelcome the first time? It doesn't make sense.

Zzzzz
She didnt "cook for her" or her other vege guests she cooked a xmas dinnerband they got what buts they could eat - a plate of sprouts and potatoes and carrots and a satsuma while everyone else stuffed themselves with full dinnet and all the trimmings and pudding.

Wow what an amazing xmas dinner.

Op offered to bring her own food but was told not to as mil had bern prepping for months! Obviously just not bothering to include prepping anything vegetarian.
If you offer to host and tell someone yoy have their diet covered then you do just that. Not give them the minimal possible.

CBH

It is an appalling failure of hosting, and made worse by the lack of an apology afterwards. Most people would be completely mortified to hav ruined someones christmas day lunch like this.

The lack of apology signals that it was entirely intentional. I would not want to be spending time with someone like this. I am glad she is not y MIL!!

MIL certainly didn't cook for the OP.

Excuse spelling stupid phone.

it would be so unusual to not feed to the best of your ability that no one would suggest they weren’t happy with whatever was provided.

In which case there is no problem. However in this situation the host, who is apparently competent enough in the food area to cook everything from scratch, completely failed to consider three of her guests even though at least one of them had offered to help by bringing something.

What exactly is the OP thanking her for in this scenario? The appalling hosting or the determination to impose her views on the OP?

OP - what did your FiL think about the situation? Was he as silent as DH or did he say something or try to find some food beyond boiled veg and satsuma for you?

C8H10N402 My FIL said nothing. None of us said anything.

Everyone (including me) enthusiastically thanked her for the meal afterwards. It was the polite thing to do.

I haven't read the whole thread, but if your MIL supports fox hunting then I think you have more problems than your Christmas dinner.

this is always the problem with people like this OP, we are polite to them and they get away with it.
I'd offer to take your own veggie roast next year (we had a ood nut roast from aldi)- and then TAKE IT even when she declines. Then on Christmas morning, casually ask what she has provided for you (assuming she has said she would provide something) - then, when she admits she has nothing for you, say 'oh, never mind, I bought this just in case'.

How about you say nothing, zzzzz?

OP think you sound lovely and I do guess it is a generational thing... I think you've got it in one by suggesting you are more specific and ask if you can bring a vegetarian main and gravy... and ask how many veggies will be there.

Even worth apologising for being awkward and say you want to make it as hassle-free as possible while helping her have appropriate food for the vegetarians there.

Sounds like you want to prioritise your relationship while also getting a decent meal - feels like both should be possible - and for many years to come!

It can take a while to "adjust" to special diets but she will get there with your help

I can understand her not doing veggie food. Christmas Day is hard and sometimes Rd easy to forget about the stuff vegetarians can’t eat such as the roasts done in goose fat etc. I can’t understand her saying you don’t need to bring anything - then not serving up any veggie alternatives. That smacks of making some sort of point.

In reference to meat eaters not being allowed to eat veggie food at gatherings - that I don’t agree with. I happen to like halumi and other veggie stuff and if I see it served at a buffet I will eat it. I don’t always want to eat a plate full of meat because some people are more limited in their options than me. It also smacks of hypocrisy “ I won’t eat meat on moral grounds but I expect you to eat it so that I will not have to”

I admire OP for not wanting to damage relationship with her MIL over this.

all I could eat was Brussels sprouts, peas, carrots and potatoes

I would have liked that. Enough for a meal.

I did have bread sauce. The Brussels had sliced almonds in them

Ah, so besides bread sauce & almonds... what else not yet stated that OP could eat? Maybe starter(s), drinks, butter, mash, sweets, nibbles and a suitable pudding?

I can imagine it was disappointing, but I can see it from her point of view too. She had planned the meal around what the majority of the family wanted, and presumed you would eat everything except the meat. Maybe she didn't have oven space for a nut roast or other veggie main course? Or she just forgot in the busyness of planning. You weren't left to go hungry, it just wasn't very special. Could you eat the pudding, cake, sweet things?

It's a tricky one, because vegetarianism is a choice, unlike an allergy or intolerance. Christmas dinner for non-vegetarians tends to centre around meat and meat based dishes. What sort of thing were you expecting instead? (Genuinely curious here).

Can you host at yours next year and show her what a veggie Xmas dinner is like?

I’ve been a vegetarian for almost 45 yrs and have come across people who think vegetarians will eat meat now and again, or they will eat fish/fowl, or we are happy just eating the vegetables. There are some who will sneak meat into a meal, like my mother, and lie. I just don’t eat at other people’s homes.

Many years ago I had a boss who happened to be vegetarian and Indian and when someone served him a small side salad as the main course he said, “What do you think I am - a bunny rabbit”. I always think that now, in his accent, when all they have a for me is a side salad in restaurants.

People can be so fkn tedious. It's really easy to cater for veggies. It's really rude to decline a contribution and not cater either. Wrenika and the like just have zero hosting skills. I'm surprised 4 of you were polite when put in this situation. And then there's your husband....

Love the bunny rabbit comment!

Bodicea, the point is that while you CAN eat all the food provided, the vegetarians can't, and it's a very frequent experience for us to find that there has been minimal catering for us at say a buffet (eg there are some mini quiches etc with no meat amidst a groaning table of stuff that may not be entirely meat - like a chicken thigh- but is polluted with meat- like pizza with ham on it)- then, if you as a vegetarian are delayed in reaching the table you cab find that carnivores have snaffled the tiny proportion of food you are able to eat, leaving only pork pies and some limp lettuce.
The fact that so many vegetarians complain of this shoud give you pause for thought. It's not hypocrisy, you are welcome to ake your own moral choices. Just don't eat my food.

Op's MIL had been planning for months. She could have given them something from the supermarket (ready made pie or quiche or something) if she had no time. She could have apologised or at least said something. A plate of plain boiled veg isn't a meal.
It's a plate of boiled veg.