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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas if you have no intention of catering for them?

586 replies

Trueheart1 · 29/12/2017 11:24

You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas dinner if you have no intention of catering for them?

I am a vegetarian. I went to my MIL's for Christmas dinner and all I could eat was Brussels sprouts, peas, carrots and potatoes. Without gravy!

The stuffing, gravy etc.. all had animal products.

There were 14 of us in total and 3 of us were very disappointed vegetarians.

I usually host and make sure everyone is catered for. I felt quite irritated, as I had offered to bring any part of the meal and if she had told me she was not catering for the vegetarians, I would have done it.

My MIL is very traditional and supports fox hunting. I suspect that she does not agree with being vegetarian and this was her passive aggressive way of showing that.

In every other way she is lovely and a great MIL. She wants us to come again next year. How do I politely make sure this does not happen again?

OP posts:
Chrisinthemorning · 29/12/2017 14:14

Definitely NBU.
I would expect all the potatoes and vegetables to be vegetarian, a jug of vegetarian gravy (surely bisto is easy enough?) plus some kind of higgidy pie, Linda McCartney nut roast or similar. Even if I didn’t know which one of those you liked I would ask you to bring it or just buy one that sounded nice and serve it anyway- probably the latter if 3 vegetarians in the party. Your MIL is rude.

Original poster
Trueheart1 · 29/12/2017 14:15

expatinscot I have not eaten any meat or meat products since I was 14 years old.

I like my MIL, she is very nice but we are not close. We are quite different people and live far apart. I would not like to make her sad. Complaining during the meal would have felt very inappropriate. I want to go next year and have a decent meal without upsetting her.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 29/12/2017 14:16

There's enough to worry time with a christmas meal without making it unnecessarily harder!

My sister is now vegetarian. For Christmas I bought her some mushroom wellignton thing and saved her some gravy before I put the meat juices in.

Nothing hard about that at all. If you find it difficult then I guess your cooking skills aren't up to much.

YANBU OP.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/12/2017 14:19

Positively, and whoever else asked, our 'veggan' guest (I only heard the term later) is very far from being a twat. He's a good fun, very easygoing partner of a sister who is a good deal less tolerant of any sort of twat than I am - and that's saying something, I can tell you.

He eats no animal products - except eggs. In fact we'd been told he was a vegan, so were surprised when he poached himself eggs for breakfast and offered to do some for anyone else.
Of course the eggs he eats are strictly free range - which we only ever have anyway.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/12/2017 14:21

You sound very considerate, OP, and I think it isn’t worth making her feel bad.

But in your shoes I would take a vegetarian main next time, together with some bisto and vegetarian stuffing mix. None of that takes up much space and if you cook your main and stuffing beforehand, they can go in the oven to heat through while the turkey is resting.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/12/2017 14:23

Then your friend is a vegetarian, getting.

Veggan, my arse Grin

MikeUniformMike · 29/12/2017 14:27

So much I agree with here esp NovemberWitch
"...for vegetarian food, only to find the omnivores have scoffed it. "

A pile of boiled veg isn't catering for anyone. It's saying 'Sod you, that will teach you.' If you are catering for people, you either cater or ask them to bring something.

If it's a buffet meal and 4 vegetarians are coming, try to do plenty of veggie food not just 4 vegeburgers. The 1st 4 people will probably take one each.

If you add something like oyster/Worcestershire/thai/fish/stock/lard/gelatine to the food it probably won't be vegetarian. You need to check the ingredients.

If that is beyond you, ask them to bring something with them. That is miles better than letting them find bits of fish or chicken or whatever in the food.

Honeycombcrunch · 29/12/2017 14:27

The only way of having a decent Christmas meal next year is to either not go or to take your own food. There aren't any other options as your DH won't say anything.

I would take my own food in future to avoid the same situation. If mil is as nice as you said she is, she won't take offence (or she'll be too polite to say anything).

TinkyWinkyAgain · 29/12/2017 14:29

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant , you have a horrible attitude. How about not inviting people to dinner if you resent catering for them? I also have a very restricted diet due to allergies but certainly don't share your views. I respect everyone's dietary choices. Your own diet is most likely more complicated to cater for than any vegetarian!

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2017 14:31

I would take my own food in future to avoid the same situation. If mil is as nice as you said she is, she won't take offence (or she'll be too polite to say anything)

Im.wonderding if it's going to be a repeat of the MIL on the other thread where she cried when they were so hungry they ordered takeout and dished up in the kitchen.Grin

I'm betting she would be pissed off but one way to find out...

Original poster
Trueheart1 · 29/12/2017 14:35

Gileswithachainsaw which thread is that? Can you link?

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 29/12/2017 14:36

I want to go next year and have a decent meal without upsetting her

I admire your willingness to try.

Honestly a host who seriously thinks a plate of boiled veg and a satsuma is acceptable meal, whilst the others all tuck into all the festive treats is not likely to cooperate over the trimmings/pudding even if you take the main. You will need to take most of the dinner and then negotiate on oven time.

IME people who want to convince me of the wrongness/stupidity of my diet are so convinced of their own rightness that they won't compromise on eg veg suet in the pudding or separate gravy. I've even been given 'vegetarian' food and then told after by a smug host that it had meat products in. Needless to say, I've never been back there but they were convinced they were right.

TrickyD · 29/12/2017 14:39

MsHarry and Worriedrose.

but Tricky the stuffing and gravy contained meat. Boiled veg and spuds is not very special for Christmas day. no mention of bread sauce.

Yes, I agree about meat ridden stuffing, there are of plenty of nice packet ones suitable for veggies, cranberry and orange etc, which I make for everyone anyway and I never eat gravy. But I can't see what meat product could be in bread sauce, and usually at Christmas the veg is fancied up , lovely crisp roasties and chestnuts in the sprouts.

Original poster
Trueheart1 · 29/12/2017 14:42

Tricky D I did have bread sauce. The Brussels had sliced almonds in them but the carrots and peas were as standard.

OP posts:
Kentnurse2015 · 29/12/2017 14:42

Did she not realise or maybe think about the meat in the gravy and stuffing until it was too late? I know some people genuinely just don’t think.

I eat meat but don’t particularly like it so will always eat veggie if I can. I’m always considerate about amounts of food for actual veggies though (I hope!)

cordeliavorkosigan · 29/12/2017 14:43

I think that in bringing up what's going to happen next year she in (maybe unintentionally) inviting some discussion about what is going to happen for vegetarians next year. You shouldn't have to have a dinner like that again, and now's the time to discuss it. You be kind and speak with the assumption that she didn't know, but I'd bet she did, and it was on purpose, and that bringing it up now is also a way of forcing the issue somehow. Can you update us after you talk to her (or actually your DH should do it!)?

MikeUniformMike · 29/12/2017 14:45

Everything was cooked from scratch. Everything other than boiled veg, fresh fruit and maybe custard/white sauce if there was any would probably have animal derivatives in it. Brandy, wine, gin etc isn't necessarily vegetarian/vegan.

Lard in the pastry of the mince pies, suet in the Christmas pudding, and so on. Cheese board would be out. Even bread isn't necessarily vegetarian so bread and butter would be out.

zzzzz · 29/12/2017 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MikeUniformMike · 29/12/2017 14:52

zzzzz , you may be crazy but don't assume that your way is the only way.

Neolara · 29/12/2017 14:52

If you

Neolara · 29/12/2017 14:56

If you go next to year, I'd definitely just take a veggie meal along with you, preferably one that can be heated in the microtubules the oven. I'd tell her in advance you're planning to to this, under the guise of wanting to help. You could also insist you helpfully bring a pudding.

I'd have been very unimpressed by a plate of boiled veg for lunch..

zzzzz · 29/12/2017 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MikeUniformMike · 29/12/2017 15:03

And what would you know about manners zzzzz?

C8H10N4O2 · 29/12/2017 15:05

Someone invited you into their home and cooked for you. The ONLY response is “thank you”

The host didn't cook for her. She was expected to eat some boiled veg I don't know what you give your guests but I don't invite people and give them a plate of boiled veg.