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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think friend is being a bit weird.

296 replies

Adikia · 29/12/2017 05:21

Friend has met my DD 3 times, because we live far apart and friend has no DC, so when we meet up it tends to be for a night out rather than anything child friendly, friend has also been adamant up until recently that they don't like children. A few months ago we took DD(9) out for a day trip to somewhere they were both interested in, DD was on her very best behaviour and friend has decided my DD is amazing (which obviously she is). Friend posted DD something for Christmas. Not a cheap something you might buy a friends child, a thoughtful expensive something specific to DD's fairly unusual hobby. He has also bought me a very expensive Christmas present, like over £200, it's a much better model/brand of something I had been saving up to get myself. Friend is not well off, probably slightly better off than I am but certainly not rich enough that he won't have had to save to afford the gifts. We've never really done gifts before, maybe the odd bottle of local cider or fruit wines but never more than that.

He has started sending me emails for DD asking if I could pass them on, which I'm fine with, there's nothing in them that worries me, it's just that there are a lot of emails, he also wrote in her Christmas card 'thanks for being such a great mate' which just felt a bit odd, plus he called specifically to ask how parents evening went, which really, other than doting grandparents who actually cares how other peoples kids parents evenings went? reading the emails, he often tells DD I am great, or beautiful, or wise, which is weird for us, we don't usually compliment each other. He's also been facebook and whatsapp messaging me 5/6 times a day and if I don't reply I then get emails and texts, he's phoned me every morning before work and every afternoon on my way home since about October for no real reason. Previously we spoke via facebook maybe once a week. He let slip the other day that he checks the local bus app before calling, he checks the local weather forecast, he reads my local news, he has literally no connection to the area other than me living here.

So as not to dripfeed, friend is very recently divorced, messages got more intense just after the divorce went through. A large part of the issue is he decided he wants DC, ex-wife doesn't, and to be fair has been very clear on that since they were first dating. He has asked me quite a few times if I think he'll be a good dad, and if I think he is good husband material. Assuming it was the divorce knocking his confidence I spent an evening telling him how lucky any woman would be, he's only early 30's so plenty of time yet etc. Messages started that evening. I am married, have been for 10 years.

OP posts:
ohlittlepea · 01/01/2018 05:42

Hope he gets the message Adika. Its not looking good with his current behaviour. The police can work with you on talking to him/ a harrassment order if this continues.

I am so concerned by the posters on here not picking up the red flags for grooming. It is most often people who are extremely close (often for many years) to the child and parents who abuse children. Famuly members and childhood friends are in the most likely to abuse group not the least likely. Parents and the child are groomed. Attentive contact, lavish gifts, trying to build a seperate relationship with the child, these are all extremely worrying. Paedophiles are generally horribly calculated and patient. They may wait fir a child to reach an age which they hace set as justifiable in their mind or be attracted to a certain age of child. Its horrible to have to consider but I am truly worried and shocked that some posters have said oh youve known one another for years..as if that makes it less likely that the person is a paedophile...paedophiles as other abusers are often the most likeable kind and seemingly trustworthy people you will meet...thats how they do what they do.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/01/2018 08:03

@ohlittlepea, great post, no truer words said !

ImListening · 01/01/2018 08:24

This is stalking harassment- you have no choice. Report him.

princesssparkle1 · 01/01/2018 08:27

Haven't you blocked him yet? Wtf?

DecisionTree · 01/01/2018 09:01

Please screenshot the fbook posts

HettySunshine · 01/01/2018 09:19

This is so scary. I really wouldn't be surprised if he rocks up in your local area 'for work' or something in the couple of weeks.

I wonder if it would be ott to call 101 and just let them know you are a bit concerned about his attention to dd, at least they'll have a record then?

ShiftyMcGifty · 01/01/2018 09:21

101 isn’t a friendly chat or to log to. It is for reporting non emergency crime to police

HettySunshine · 01/01/2018 09:25

If the behaviour escalates or he turns up at the op's house then having previously logged the extent of his behaviour with the police will make it more likely they will be able to act.

HettySunshine · 01/01/2018 09:26

And attempting to groom a nine year old is a crime.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/01/2018 09:29

Police advice for stalking/harrassment is to call 101.

Don’t minimise this.

MelonKnee · 01/01/2018 09:39

OP - take a screenshot first of the emails and then you can block his address. Link has instructions of ways to do this.

www.wikihow.com/Block-Someone-on-Hotmail

Devilishpyjamas · 01/01/2018 09:54

Oh dear. He’s definitely not mortified by his behaviour then. You clearly have to go nc.

Have you heard from his ex why they split up?

thefourgp · 01/01/2018 10:36

That’s not good OP. He’s not listening to you so you need to involve the police. My sister had an ex who wouldn’t accept their relationship was over. He was claiming undying love one minute and aggressive behaviour the next, threatening suicide etc. She didn’t want to but myself and another family member talked her into telling the police. They went to speak with him and warned him to back off and it was only then that he did. It’s best to try and nip these things in the bud asap. The repeated mentioning of your daughter makes me think he is a paedophile trying to groom you both. You’ve done the right thing in trusting your instincts.

MsJolly · 01/01/2018 10:49

Hmmm, I have no idea what is going through his head now! I don't think he's grooming TBH but I do think there is an element of wishful thinking and him being jealous of your family life and wanting to not just be a part of it, but a vital part IYSWIM.

Yes, block on Facebook and you can block emails fairly easily. I would probably send him a message that you are doing just that and he is to desist from contacting you

MadMags · 01/01/2018 11:18

MsJolly you have no reason to be speaking with such authority on this, and it could be detrimental.

Just because you don’t think he’s grooming Hmm doesn’t mean he’s not. And I’d prefer if people err on the side of caution!

As for whoever posted about ringing 101 for a friendly chat Hmm stuff like this is why it exists, ffs!

MiddleClassProblem · 01/01/2018 11:22

MadMags I don’t see how Jolly is speaking with such authority, just giving an opinion... the same as others on this thread...

MadMags · 01/01/2018 11:31

There have been posters on here with experience in this field who have pointed out the red flags.

So, yeah I think people who are determined to maintain he’s not doing so, when there’s even a small chance he is, could be detrimental and even dangerous to this child.

And posters should keep that in mind.

Motoko · 01/01/2018 11:33

then a whole new paragraph about how amazing, caring, lovely etc DD and I are (which obviously is true, we are amazing, but still) and how he couldn't be without us.

OK, well, sod the 20 years of friendship, you asked him to back off and now he's done this. I agree with pps, time to get it logged with the police.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 01/01/2018 11:56

Paedophiles are generally horribly calculated and patient

Can I ask why in the op's situation (if he is grooming) and mincemeat's v scary story above, why is the man so ridiculously over the top that the woman ends up panicked and withdrawing? Surely a more calculated method would be to be more measured so that the woman doesn't realise anything is amiss? Or do some women respond positively/ struggle to maintain boundaries with this OTT attention as they want to be polite? Not disagreeing as yes I was thinking of grooming too, but I'm confused as to why someone being calculating would act in a way that arouses such concern?

Sorry you are going through this op. I agree that you never really know friends, sadly people can surprise you. I would block him/ cut methods of contact. I would contact 111 actually as then the professionals can assess whether anything further needs to be done and if there is grooming/ harassment/ mental health problems. I would mention you are worried about grooming specifically in case the first person you speak to doesn't make a connection. I agree as a poster above said that even if this is 'just' a mental health issue, you aren't in a position to help him as you are the subject of his obsession. Focus on keeping your dd safe from him. If you engage with him further, best case scenario your dd sees your boundaries being trampled over, worst case scenario is a lot worse obviously. I hope you are ok and this doesn't escalate any further.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 01/01/2018 11:59

With most email providers I think you can set addresses that are automatically discarded so you don't have to read them, although the sender won't know. However it might be worth phoning 111 first to see what police recommend as they may advise you to receive the emails as evidence if they feel there is potential grooming/ harassment.

Foxedme · 01/01/2018 12:04

I hope you're getting screenshots of everything. What a situation to be in. I'm guessing you don't want to think the worst but also need to think the worst to protect yourself and DD. I too had an old friend who after a marriage breakdown was rather persistent and had many messages etc throughout the day. I backed off, he backed off too and now we're back in the normal zone of checking to see how things are every now and again, he's found a new lady and all is fine. THIS DOES NOT SOUND LIKE YOUR SITUATION... please be careful, especially with the potential grooming. Wishing you luck x

CremeFresh · 01/01/2018 12:09

Paedophiles are generally horribly calculated and patient

There are many different lengths of patience though. Not all paedophiles fit the typical expected behaviour.

zzzzz · 01/01/2018 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sprockercrazy · 01/01/2018 13:26

Thats not good at all - he is completely disregarding your wishes and feelings.
Screen shot everything

What does your DH think about the situation?

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 01/01/2018 13:44

Please get the book, The Gift of Fear. Your friend's behaviour is like a carbon copy of the beginning of many of those stories.

I said this back on p4, and it bears repeating. I’m so sorry this has happened op, but you can take control back and teach your dd how to deal with people like this.
You’ve got this, unmumsnetty hug Flowers

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