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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think friend is being a bit weird.

296 replies

Adikia · 29/12/2017 05:21

Friend has met my DD 3 times, because we live far apart and friend has no DC, so when we meet up it tends to be for a night out rather than anything child friendly, friend has also been adamant up until recently that they don't like children. A few months ago we took DD(9) out for a day trip to somewhere they were both interested in, DD was on her very best behaviour and friend has decided my DD is amazing (which obviously she is). Friend posted DD something for Christmas. Not a cheap something you might buy a friends child, a thoughtful expensive something specific to DD's fairly unusual hobby. He has also bought me a very expensive Christmas present, like over £200, it's a much better model/brand of something I had been saving up to get myself. Friend is not well off, probably slightly better off than I am but certainly not rich enough that he won't have had to save to afford the gifts. We've never really done gifts before, maybe the odd bottle of local cider or fruit wines but never more than that.

He has started sending me emails for DD asking if I could pass them on, which I'm fine with, there's nothing in them that worries me, it's just that there are a lot of emails, he also wrote in her Christmas card 'thanks for being such a great mate' which just felt a bit odd, plus he called specifically to ask how parents evening went, which really, other than doting grandparents who actually cares how other peoples kids parents evenings went? reading the emails, he often tells DD I am great, or beautiful, or wise, which is weird for us, we don't usually compliment each other. He's also been facebook and whatsapp messaging me 5/6 times a day and if I don't reply I then get emails and texts, he's phoned me every morning before work and every afternoon on my way home since about October for no real reason. Previously we spoke via facebook maybe once a week. He let slip the other day that he checks the local bus app before calling, he checks the local weather forecast, he reads my local news, he has literally no connection to the area other than me living here.

So as not to dripfeed, friend is very recently divorced, messages got more intense just after the divorce went through. A large part of the issue is he decided he wants DC, ex-wife doesn't, and to be fair has been very clear on that since they were first dating. He has asked me quite a few times if I think he'll be a good dad, and if I think he is good husband material. Assuming it was the divorce knocking his confidence I spent an evening telling him how lucky any woman would be, he's only early 30's so plenty of time yet etc. Messages started that evening. I am married, have been for 10 years.

OP posts:
TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 31/12/2017 18:42

Excellent article Ginger So difficult when the person changing their behaviour so dramatically is someone close but agree with others. It's not OP's job to 'make nice' here.

Adikia · 31/12/2017 21:54

And playing devils advocate here, even if he HADNT missjudged things and OP WAS planning to run off into the sunset with him and dd...it would STILL be red flag territory that he contacted her sister just because she didnt instantly reply to him!!

Well exactly, I'd be pretty pissed if DH called my sister just because I hadn't replied to his messages about nothing too!

Anyway, I text back yesterday 'no there isn't a convenient time because the whole point is I don't want you to keep calling, I want you to back off a bit' and haven't heard much yet apart from a happy new year message on facebook that was sent to everybody.

OP posts:
thefourgp · 31/12/2017 23:03

Fingers crossed he leaves you alone OP. It’s an interesting article Ginger. I remember reading it when it was published. I’d had a similar conversation with my FIL a few years ago. There had been a man in the news who killed multiple strangers in a spree. The tv journalist promptly interviewed someone he worked with who said the murderer had always been a nice guy and he was shocked at what he had done. My FIL made a comment about how even nice people do horrible things. I told him that I thought once they looked into the murderer’s history and other relationships they would discover there had been red flags for this future behaviour. Genuinely nice people do not just snap and kill a number of other people. Reports later that week said he’d been abusive to his ex-wife and had very heated fall outs with multiple ex-colleagues /friends. I agree we too often dismiss worrying and bad behaviour and the newspapers regularly blame the victims. I felt very sorry for the family in the guardian article. X

lalalalyra · 31/12/2017 23:23

I'm glad you messaged him more firmly. Please do keep your guard up OP.

His reply to your original message was worrying. When someone tells you to back off you don't tell them that you'll contact them, and their child, soon.

Also contacting your sister was ridiculous - why didn't he contact your DH? If he was genuinely worried about you then the person to contact would be your husband. However, it probably suits him to look like a concerned, nice guy to your sister...

Adikia · 01/01/2018 00:38

Well bollocks, 2 new years messages, text and email and tagged me in a very soppy fb status update, mentioning DDs full name. Which is not only creepy but he knows I keep my fb privacy very high, no photos and not my real name due to work and has been told before never to tag me in anything. Facebook now blocked.

Can you block email addresses on hotmail?

OP posts:
KiteMarked · 01/01/2018 00:45

This is concerning. Please continue to.ignore. he's goading you, I think. Trying to get you to prolong contact. Any time you speak to him, even to say "stop messaging me" will feed his delusions. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I don't know about Hotmail. Can you redirect your Hotmail to a Gmail account and then mark his emails as spam?

thegreatbeyond · 01/01/2018 00:46

Whaaat? It's like he has some odd 'ownership' complex going on.

JustAnIdiot · 01/01/2018 00:51

Odd, very odd - well done for blocking him!

zzzzz · 01/01/2018 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/01/2018 00:57

That is scary. Might be worth having a chat with the police on the 101 line.

MadMags · 01/01/2018 00:58

I’m sure you can block him from email or at least mark his emails as spam. You might want to contact someone to log this...

MiddleClassProblem · 01/01/2018 00:59

Wow! Did he only tag you?

Either way not taking the hint!

MiddleClassProblem · 01/01/2018 00:59

Not that it was a hint, more of a giant neon sign

MadgeMak · 01/01/2018 01:00

This is stalking. Contact the police. He clearly isn’t taking no for an answer.

LittlePaintBox · 01/01/2018 01:27

I'd say contact the police, they're meant to take this kind of thing seriously.

Unfortunately it's not unknown for someone to hang around a family unit because they're interested in the children, as I'm sure most of us know.

Your concern has to be for yourself and your daughter. If he has some kind of problem he needs to sort out some help for himself. Absolutely not your responsibility.

Adikia · 01/01/2018 01:29

Wow! Did he only tag you?

There were a few people tagged in a thanks for being there this year then a whole new paragraph about how amazing, caring, lovely etc DD and I are (which obviously is true, we are amazing, but still) and how he couldn't be without us.

He will claim he was drunk.

Of course he will, and we've all sent some cringe worthy drunk messages but I'm not sure there is enough drink in the world to excuse this after being told to back off.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 01/01/2018 01:36

Especially not enough of an excuse if all those messages and the fb post are coherent!

MoKnickers · 01/01/2018 01:49

Oooh weirdo alert!!

MincemeatMuncher · 01/01/2018 02:10

Oh wow, this is such a similar story to the guy who tried to get close to my ex sil after her divorce from dbro (we stayed very close after)

Scarily similar.

He was a friend of her and had been for years, also professed to ‘hate’ children. But after dniece had turned a certain age (around 7ish) he suddenly started paying a LOT of attention.

Ex sil basically got love bombed. She thought he’d been hiding feelings or something for her for years and had just snapped. He was texting, messaging, calling constantly. Constantly ‘just popping round’ with lavish gifts for sil and dn.

He really went to town, sil felt a bit sorry for him but ignored it for a while hoping he’d just get over his crush to her.

She only started freaking out when he started to more blatantly focus on her daughter, trying to be ‘mates’ and directing his gifts more at her. She told him to fuck off.

Without giving out too many outing details...he didn’t have a clean past, and he was definitively marking out her daughter for sexual abuse. Apparently that is a thing they do, love bomb the Mum to blind them to what they are really up to and use it to get closer to the daughter.

Sorry op, your post gave me chills when I read it.

GingerbreadMa · 01/01/2018 02:15

Its tempting to click block straight away but screenshot it all first.

Take care & well done on trusting your spidey senses, his behaviour since you asked him to back of has proved that your instincts were spot on!

GingerbreadMa · 01/01/2018 02:20

"and how he couldn't be without us"
Yikes.
From someone who has been told to back off...that bit it chilling!

bunbunny · 01/01/2018 02:21

Does he know you use mumsnet - any chance he could have tracked you down or figured out who you are on here?

Is he techy in any way - anything he might have done to be monitoring you online or through whatsapp/facebook/nearby friends/you on maps/etc? Or put a tracker on your car or similar?

Grammarist · 01/01/2018 02:33

Screenshot it all.
Make notes of days/dates/amount of contact.
Tell the police.
He's not backing off, honey.
You need to cover your back as he seems creepy

IncreasinglyMisanthropic · 01/01/2018 02:38

Someone may have already pointed this out, I haven't had the chance to read all the replies yet but I find it worrying that his interested in both of you peaked significantly after spending a day with your daughter. That would be a huge red flag for me, especially with the subsequent gift and emails to her.

makingmiracles · 01/01/2018 02:56

You need to log with 101 the situation so far in case his behaviour escalates