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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think friend is being a bit weird.

296 replies

Adikia · 29/12/2017 05:21

Friend has met my DD 3 times, because we live far apart and friend has no DC, so when we meet up it tends to be for a night out rather than anything child friendly, friend has also been adamant up until recently that they don't like children. A few months ago we took DD(9) out for a day trip to somewhere they were both interested in, DD was on her very best behaviour and friend has decided my DD is amazing (which obviously she is). Friend posted DD something for Christmas. Not a cheap something you might buy a friends child, a thoughtful expensive something specific to DD's fairly unusual hobby. He has also bought me a very expensive Christmas present, like over £200, it's a much better model/brand of something I had been saving up to get myself. Friend is not well off, probably slightly better off than I am but certainly not rich enough that he won't have had to save to afford the gifts. We've never really done gifts before, maybe the odd bottle of local cider or fruit wines but never more than that.

He has started sending me emails for DD asking if I could pass them on, which I'm fine with, there's nothing in them that worries me, it's just that there are a lot of emails, he also wrote in her Christmas card 'thanks for being such a great mate' which just felt a bit odd, plus he called specifically to ask how parents evening went, which really, other than doting grandparents who actually cares how other peoples kids parents evenings went? reading the emails, he often tells DD I am great, or beautiful, or wise, which is weird for us, we don't usually compliment each other. He's also been facebook and whatsapp messaging me 5/6 times a day and if I don't reply I then get emails and texts, he's phoned me every morning before work and every afternoon on my way home since about October for no real reason. Previously we spoke via facebook maybe once a week. He let slip the other day that he checks the local bus app before calling, he checks the local weather forecast, he reads my local news, he has literally no connection to the area other than me living here.

So as not to dripfeed, friend is very recently divorced, messages got more intense just after the divorce went through. A large part of the issue is he decided he wants DC, ex-wife doesn't, and to be fair has been very clear on that since they were first dating. He has asked me quite a few times if I think he'll be a good dad, and if I think he is good husband material. Assuming it was the divorce knocking his confidence I spent an evening telling him how lucky any woman would be, he's only early 30's so plenty of time yet etc. Messages started that evening. I am married, have been for 10 years.

OP posts:
LittlePaintBox · 01/01/2018 13:53

Can I ask why in the op's situation (if he is grooming) and mincemeat's v scary story above, why is the man so ridiculously over the top that the woman ends up panicked and withdrawing? Surely a more calculated method would be to be more measured so that the woman doesn't realise anything is amiss? Or do some women respond positively/ struggle to maintain boundaries with this OTT attention as they want to be polite? Not disagreeing as yes I was thinking of grooming too, but I'm confused as to why someone being calculating would act in a way that arouses such concern?

It's often a 'frog in the pan of water' thing. They escalate activities gradually to see how far they can get. The OP has noticed the red flags, we don't know how many other people he's targeting.

Whoever said paedophiles are patient and plan their activities is dead right. It's often defended as an impulse, or, even worse, as the child's fault, but these are lies an offender will tell to themselves and others to minimise their offence.

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 01/01/2018 13:54

The part about not being without you is emotional blackmail because you’ve set a boundary. Notice how he ignored your boundaries about contact/your fb rules about names etc?
Should he manage to get a message to you (through a mutual friend etc) that he’s going to kill himself due to lack of contact (because that’s what’s implied there) then that’s emotional blackmail or he’s so unwell MH wise it’s true - neither of those are situations you can sort, so you call an ambulance/the police. All suicide threats must be taken seriously and they can help him. You can’t. Plus that teaches him that all he has to do to get to you is threaten suicide. Next time it might be ‘I need to see dd or I’ll kill myself’
I have personal experience of this type of person op, you need to be hard as nails and not allow emotion to take over. You and your dd are worth more than that. Flowers

AprilLady4 · 01/01/2018 14:13

OP yes you can block emails on Hotmail.

Put the emails in Junk and when you open them you get the option to Block.

Flowers
MadMags · 01/01/2018 14:22

And actually, it doesn’t really matter what his motivation is.

Fact is, in typical male-privilege fashion, he doesn’t give a fuck about how you feel about it because he wants to do it and that’s that. That’s even without any mental health issue, or sinister intention.

He’s either a stalker, a paedophile, or a wanker.

Littlechocola · 01/01/2018 14:32

Be careful. I was in a similar situation. I thought blocking on anything and everything would put a stop to it. Instead he sent messages through anyone that I’d ever spoken to to pass on. Very upsetting.
The police got involved and it seems to have stopped but I’m still a bit worried that we’ve not heard the end of it.

zzzzz · 01/01/2018 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 01/01/2018 14:53

For those posters that are saying he would be showing more low cunning and guile if he were a true abuser/stalker/groomer/paedo. It has to be said that not everyone is as bright as a button. If he is either emotionally gushing naturally or frankly not that bright, the OP (who is clearly intelligent) will cop on pretty damn quickly. An awful lot of crime is solved early on because the criminal is less than gifted in the brainule area! I suspect that is what is happening here. He feels all this stuff but has no outlet for it. and is not bright enough to keep it hidden. The result is what OP (and most of us) is/are
seeing.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 01/01/2018 14:54

Errant full stop there. I blame Prosecco !

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 01/01/2018 14:59

He is bright enough to realise he has overdone it and elicited the 'back off' response from OP. That is why he is going down the FB route. Less confrontational and a means of getting OP back where he wants her. He can wax lyrical extolling the virtues of OP and her 9yo DD without it being directed at them particularly but to the world in general. This is bubbling up out of him uncontrolled and shows he is not bright enough to hide it. Doesn't make him any less unpleasant or possibly dangerous though.

GingerbreadMa · 01/01/2018 15:33

Can I ask why in the op's situation (if he is grooming) and mincemeat's v scary story above, why is the man so ridiculously over the top that the woman ends up panicked and withdrawing?
Because at some point the crouching tiger has to leave the camoflage to chase & pounce!
And the amt of posters defending him and telling the op she should be concerned about HIS lonliness / mental health shows you how easily women will shake off their own un-ease about a situation.

GingerbreadMa · 01/01/2018 15:49

The facebook post could be a calculated way to make OP doubt herself by using witnesses who dont know the context to belittle her or make her look irrational if she reacts.

Or it could just be that his fantasy is now stronger than anythinh op says

He’s either a stalker, a paedophile, or a wanker
Exactly. Best case scenario on here (lonliness) is that his desire for company matters more than OPs comfort. Thats still not good or a healthy dynamic for dd.

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 15:57

And the amt of posters defending him and telling the op she should be concerned about HIS lonliness / mental health shows you how easily women will shake off their own un-ease about a situation.

^This. Better to be safe than sorry.

loopylou6 · 01/01/2018 16:10

I would log this with police op, just incase

Traffig · 01/01/2018 16:28

Just caught up with developments. Sadly, I'm unsurprised.

So, he is tagging you OP, even though you are using a different name on FB for work reasons and have asked him not to? More requests and boundaries ignored.

You need to get the police involved OP. He won't stop pushing and pushing and his behaviour is more than concerning now.

Listen to the people here who know about this.

Time now to stop trying to deal with this on your own.
Block, do not reply, screenshot, save. Get professional advice. Worried for you and yours.

sonjadog · 01/01/2018 16:29

Can people actually log stuff like this with the police, or is this an MN myth? I don’t live in the UK so maybe it does work this way there.... I just can’t imagine phoning the police here and saying «an old friend is really overkeen and has been annoying me. I told him to back off but then he posted a fb status on NYE that mentioned me and my daughter. I thought you’d want to log it.»

Mia184 · 01/01/2018 16:49

Maybe it would be better to not block his email address to see whether his behavior escalates?

Traffig · 01/01/2018 16:58

Sonjadog
101 is the non emergency police number. You do not use it to moan about next door not taking out the bins. Or being "disrespected" on FB. Sadly, some people do this.

You do use it if: you think someone is betraying a trust, and displaying grooming behaviour towards a child, and you want police help in stopping this person from contacting you, and attempting to contact the child.

It will be taken seriously, as the behaviour is quite sinister when taken as a whole, as described by OP.

smashyourglasses · 01/01/2018 17:14

No, the police don't 'log' anything. They either take action, or they don't.

MadMags · 01/01/2018 17:24

When people say “log it” they mean that the police will take statements of the alleged crime and issue you with an incident number, or log number (get it?).

This place sometimes!

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 01/01/2018 17:27

The police do sort of 'log' stuff. I was assaulted as a 7yo child. A year ago I read a news report of my assailant being abusive to his female colleagues in a position of trust (not work). I rang the police to see if they were interested as I was concerned that he had in fact been repeatedly abusive over the intervening years and until people came forward he was just going to get away with it. I was asked to make a police statement so assume they do have other complaints against him. I have heard no more for now but am happy to go to court and describe what he did to me as a child if need be.

smashyourglasses · 01/01/2018 17:32

Thanks for hammering my point there.

GingerbreadMa · 01/01/2018 17:47

"No, the police don't 'log' anything. They either take action, or they don't."
And keep no records of anything in between?
Are posters now really telling a harassed stalked woman and girl NOT to have a conversation with the police about it?
Jesus!
Do you lot have daughters?

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2018 17:51

OP I am not posting as I have advice (no experience of this) but I am reading rushing you and your dd well. Flowers

ShiftyMcGifty · 01/01/2018 19:40

No posters aren’t saying to the OP to not ring the police. Posters are pointing out she should report the crime. Police don’t take notes. “Log” refers to a crime number but posters on here have a habit of referring to it as just having a chat with the police and them taking a note. There’s no such thing as police just putting down a “note”.

Adikia · 01/01/2018 20:15

I have a very lovely local PCSO, I will have a chat with her. thank you all for the advice.

OP posts: