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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think friend is being a bit weird.

296 replies

Adikia · 29/12/2017 05:21

Friend has met my DD 3 times, because we live far apart and friend has no DC, so when we meet up it tends to be for a night out rather than anything child friendly, friend has also been adamant up until recently that they don't like children. A few months ago we took DD(9) out for a day trip to somewhere they were both interested in, DD was on her very best behaviour and friend has decided my DD is amazing (which obviously she is). Friend posted DD something for Christmas. Not a cheap something you might buy a friends child, a thoughtful expensive something specific to DD's fairly unusual hobby. He has also bought me a very expensive Christmas present, like over £200, it's a much better model/brand of something I had been saving up to get myself. Friend is not well off, probably slightly better off than I am but certainly not rich enough that he won't have had to save to afford the gifts. We've never really done gifts before, maybe the odd bottle of local cider or fruit wines but never more than that.

He has started sending me emails for DD asking if I could pass them on, which I'm fine with, there's nothing in them that worries me, it's just that there are a lot of emails, he also wrote in her Christmas card 'thanks for being such a great mate' which just felt a bit odd, plus he called specifically to ask how parents evening went, which really, other than doting grandparents who actually cares how other peoples kids parents evenings went? reading the emails, he often tells DD I am great, or beautiful, or wise, which is weird for us, we don't usually compliment each other. He's also been facebook and whatsapp messaging me 5/6 times a day and if I don't reply I then get emails and texts, he's phoned me every morning before work and every afternoon on my way home since about October for no real reason. Previously we spoke via facebook maybe once a week. He let slip the other day that he checks the local bus app before calling, he checks the local weather forecast, he reads my local news, he has literally no connection to the area other than me living here.

So as not to dripfeed, friend is very recently divorced, messages got more intense just after the divorce went through. A large part of the issue is he decided he wants DC, ex-wife doesn't, and to be fair has been very clear on that since they were first dating. He has asked me quite a few times if I think he'll be a good dad, and if I think he is good husband material. Assuming it was the divorce knocking his confidence I spent an evening telling him how lucky any woman would be, he's only early 30's so plenty of time yet etc. Messages started that evening. I am married, have been for 10 years.

OP posts:
Pearlsaringer · 31/12/2017 09:59

I feel like I’m going against the grain here but I don’t see this as grooming. You have known this guy for years, and never had concerns before. His behaviour has admittedly got weird recently. You have asked him to back off and he has sent what looks like an apologetic text seeking to clear the air. You should certainly tell him that this sudden escalation in attention has made you very uncomfortable, and furthermore he needs to understand that the sort of relationship he seems to be after with your daughter isn’t one you are keen to see develop. You don’t have to explain yourself, he can take it or leave it but it’s your call not his.

If you can get the relationship back to what it used to be, all well and good, but no more twosome nights out in future.

Hissy · 31/12/2017 10:03

But he’s not apologetic, he’s saying “crossed wires” - ie the Op has it wrong.. and the call to op and DD reinforces it.

He’s dodgy, people like him can wait for years.

sprockercrazy · 31/12/2017 10:07

I don't understand the posters who think that OP should be gentle with him because they've been friends for 20 years..

20 years or not he is displaying massively inappropriate behaviours and far from being apologetic his text message reads like ' I don't care how uncomfortable I've made you feel , I am going to ring you and tell you that you're wrong'
He hasn't even acknowledged how creepy his behaviour is towards a 9 year old girl - massive red flags for me

Pearlsaringer · 31/12/2017 10:15

I don’t read “crossed wires” as the OP being blamed for misunderstanding. To me it says “oops, something’s gone wrong here, let’s talk”.

I’m not defending his actions by the way, it does seem very off to me. I am just wary of getting the OP whipped up into a panic.

Personally in her position I’d be recommending that he got professional counselling as his MH is a concern. I think he is expecting too much of her as a friend and she should say so.

Jassmells · 31/12/2017 10:29

I'm normally the first to shout red flags for grooming etc but equally he sounds like he could be on the verge of a breakdown?

Nikephorus · 31/12/2017 11:26

I read 'crossed wires' as him realising he's made a prat of himself throwing himself at OP and not wanting to admit that he had her in mind as his next wife. By saying it was crossed wires it's less embarrassing for him (marginally) than admitting it (and isn't that what most people say if they've misunderstood someone else's feelings for them and made it obvious that they're interested? It's self-preservation & a way of saving face). He'll probably go really quiet now and OP will hardly hear from him as he tries to pretend he wasn't smitten after all.

MillennialFalcon · 31/12/2017 11:43

The problem with his "apologetic text" is that he didn't admit responsibility or commit to changing his behaviour. He wants to solve the issue of OP being uncomfortable with his excessive level of contact by calling her again rather than giving her space. His behaviour (7 emails, 11 fb messages and 8 missed calls and contacting her sister in 1 day) is stalkerish and he can't see that so it won't change. He feels entitled to contact her multiple times a day and harass her if she doesn't respond. No one should be obligated to tolerate that.

Motoko · 31/12/2017 12:28

When I read the OP, grooming did cross my mind, but only fleetingly.

With OP's further posts, I really think that he was seeing OP and her DD as a ready made family. Their day out was like a family day out, and it reinforced his feelings of wanting that.

The "crossed wires" text read to me that he had got crossed wires, perhaps when OP was telling him any woman would be lucky to have him as a partner. As OP hadn't said anything about the number of times he text and messaged her, or asked why he was checking her local bus timetables etc, he saw that as permission to carry on, as OP obviously didn't have a problem with it and probably enjoyed talking to him so much (in his eyes).

I wouldn't want to end 20 years of friendship yet. I'd give him a chance to explain himself and change his behaviour. I would stop the communication with DD though, and also the nights out together, as well as reiterating to the school who can pick DD up, as a precautionary measure.

GingerbreadMa · 31/12/2017 12:34

I don’t read “crossed wires” as the OP being blamed for misunderstanding. To me it says “oops, something’s gone wrong here, let’s talk”

Thats only half the text though
OP: "I dont like this level of contact"
Him: "Im going to phone anyway to speak to you AND dd"

Take the 2 parts of the text in combination and theres no humility, just dismissal of the OPs request.

It doesnt actually matter WHY the OP wants him to contact her and dd less, she has a right to say so.

sonjadog · 31/12/2017 12:36

I would also wait and see what he does next. It sounds like it might be a reaction to his whole situation with his divorce which has left him emotionally unstable and he is fixating on the OP and her daughter in an attempt to find stability. But I think if this is the case, then he should now back way off as he has been told his behaviour is not acceptable to the OP. If he doesn't respect that and keeps on trying to contact you, then I would start considering more serious options.

GingerbreadMa · 31/12/2017 12:47

I feel like I’m going against the grain here but I don’t see this as grooming. You have known this guy for years, and never had concerns before.

Shes never had a 9 year old before.

My money is on an unhealthy/stalker obsession with the "family unit" that im his head he has photoshopped himself into. But at the same time dont dismiss safeguarding concerns just because the OP has never seen this side of him before.

Stalking/controlling behaviour is NOT usually "out of character". Its usually very much part of their character, except only the currect victim gets to see it and everyone else sees nice and normal. Now that hes focussed his controllimg attention on the OP and hasnt im the past doesnt mean it wasnt being pointed at someone else back then.

Its too fucking common for men who victimise women to be painted at the victim "oh he cant be in his right mind" etc and its not okay! One of the victims of his stalking here is NINE amd posters are urging the victims mother to make sure HE gets help? WTF???

Theres a good article in the guardian about how society like to erase victims treatment by assuming the man is a victim of mental health crisis, Ill link it....

GingerbreadMa · 31/12/2017 12:58

Another "nice guy" who had a "breakdown" :
www.theguardian.com/society/2017/jun/17/we-didnt-recognise-that-he-was-dangerous-our-father-killed-our-mother-and-sister?CMP=fb_gu
(Spolier: it wasnt so out of character after all.)

Everyone should read this. I think its a really important piece about how we speak to victims and how we speak about perpetrators.

GingerbreadMa · 31/12/2017 13:07

Bottom line: Mans attention towards OP and DD is unwanted and making her uncomfortable

  • That is valid no matter WHY he is behaving this way
  • She is NOT obliged to help him fix his behaviour
  • She is not obliged to make sure hes okay with her not wanting his attention
  • What happens to HIM after OP makes her boundaries clear is NOT on the OP
Gemini69 · 31/12/2017 13:14

Bottom line: Mans attention towards OP and DD is unwanted and making her uncomfortable

- That is valid no matter WHY he is behaving this way
- She is NOT obliged to help him fix his behaviour
- She is not obliged to make sure hes okay with her not wanting his attention
- What happens to HIM after OP makes her boundaries clear is NOT on the OP

This 100% Flowers

clueless2010 · 31/12/2017 13:15

I would totally cut contact...your friend sounds like a nutcase!

CremeFresh · 31/12/2017 13:34

I agree that the Op might not have noticed this mans behaviour before because it wasn't directed at her.

I thought my ex was a fantastic bloke before I became his partner, he nearly killed me.

KiteMarked · 31/12/2017 14:56

Please get the book, The Gift of Fear. Your friend's behaviour is like a carbon copy of the beginning of many of those stories.

You don't need a "valid" reason to end a relationship. Don't listen to the apologists on this thread.

If he has already tried to ignore your request to tone down contact, what use is any further conversation? Talking or messaging him WILL prolong the situation, guaranteed. Do not answer any calls or messages from now on. Do not leave a note when you return the gifts. Please be careful.

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 15:36

GingerbreadMa

That article was so chilling. Thanks for sharing.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 31/12/2017 16:26

I would email back:

There weren't any "crossed wires". I don't want to talk to you; please don't contact me again. If you don't respect my wishes then I will involve the Police.

RhiannonOHara · 31/12/2017 16:36

My money is on an unhealthy/stalker obsession with the "family unit" that im his head he has photoshopped himself into.

Yes, me too.

He might mean it innocently – maybe he's been seriously thrown by his relationship breakdown. I'm not unsympathetic. But you've asked him clearly to back off and he hasn't, so I'd definitely distance myself now if I were you.

Gemini69 · 31/12/2017 16:39

GingerbreadMa

the link you shared has left me feeling bereft and helpless... I agree everyone should take the time.. and read this article.... Flowers

JustAnIdiot · 31/12/2017 16:50

Very odd behaviour but he sounds more sad & pathetic than dangerous to me - I think it more likely he's built a fantasy relationship with you & DD in his mind than he is trying to groom her.

It will be interesting to hear how he explains himself.

JustAnIdiot · 31/12/2017 16:51

Agree you need to distance yourself - if he carries on regardless, then reporting to the Police would not be unreasonable.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2017 17:30

Terrifying article Ginger thanks for sharing.

GingerbreadMa · 31/12/2017 18:22

So what if he's just sad and lonely and a bit weird?. The OP DOESNT LIKE IT and its not a 9 year old girls job to keep a grown man from his lonliness just because hes going through a divorce.

She doesnt have to sit through his emotional blackmail excuses/reasons.

He has behaved badly. He should respect that hes being asked to back off regardless of why he disrespected her boundaries in the first place.

And playing devils advocate here, even if he HADNT missjudged things and OP WAS planning to run off into the sunset with him and dd...it would STILL be red flag territory that he contacted her sister just because she didnt instantly reply to him!!