To make dd go to the parties

[Midge1978]

Dd (6) has been invited to two parties - one is her cousin's and one is a class mate's. Both are at the same place and involve the children making a pop video. It involves prancing around, dressing up, posing and singing. It's basically dd's idea of utter hell. Whereas her cousin and her classmate love being loud and performing to music.

Dd gets very upset at the thought of going to these parties, particularly her cousins where she won't know any of the guests apart from her cousin. I do feel sorry for her but hasn't she got to learn that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do and maybe she can have fun if she tries?

Have you accepted the invitations already?

Not yet but will have to respond soon.

I don't think I'd make her go.

I think as an adult I was about 25 before I started declining things I didn't want to do. I wish I'd had the confidence to do it sooner.

I'd let her skip it if she doesn't like that stuff

If it's her idea of hell why would you force her?
In a child's party situation it's likely she won't be missed if she doesn't go.
It's not like a family wedding or event where she has to go, and IMO forcing her to these will,reinforce how much she hates them rather than instilling an understanding that some things are non-negotiable.

It's going to be hard to skip the cousins without causing offence.

I wouldn't make her. If she is going to be miserable who is it benefitting? Plus I'm guessing it's a pay per guest event so the birthday child will be limiting their invites. Something like this would have been torture for me as a child!

I wouldn’t make my 6 year old go. Plenty of years to introduce them to life

The cousin should understand. Maybe you could take both girls out for something fun as the birthday treat for your niece?

Theyll only be offended if you say she's not going because she hates parties (even though that shouldn't offend, but some people are weird).
Just say you already have plans that day, send a nice present, voila, win-win, no-one upset.

I have to be honest, I wouldn't make her go. I would have hated that as a child. As long as you haven't already promised to go, I would thank them for the offer, but say that your DD can't make it.

She does have to learn that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to, but I would say that those things are things like tidying up, writing thank you letters, being nice to people if they're annoying you etc. I can't see the point in making her go to one of these parties.

I wouldn't make her either. It's not a very good idea for a party really.

Having said that, I'm almost sure these things encourage the kids to sing as a group and the birthday child has the chance to do a solo if they want to.

It's not like "Right...next in the spotlight!"

So you could explain that to DD and see if she's more open minded.

Just decline.

I wouldn’t, as you haven’t yet accepted the invitation. I still remember being made to go to my mum’s friend’s daughters parties, and it was awful. Nothing worse than not really knowing anyone then having to participate in a group activity

Just say you can’t make it. Buy a present for the cousin. You don’t need to give a reason.

Two things recently my 11 year old didn't want to go to but was gently prompted and came back both times having had a great time and strengthened old friendships. I would encourage attendance. You have to push yourself socially sometimes - very easy to be a shy decliner.

It's difficult- my mil will hit the roof if we turn down the cousins.

I wouldn't make her go if she is shy it could really upset her if she is forced into dancing around.

Yes she is very shy. She really doesn't want to have to perform.

What you absolutely mustn't do when you decline the invite, is imply that it's a shit idea for a party and that your dd is much better than that. Which I'm sure you wouldn't, just sayin'.

It can sometimes help children to be pushed outside their comfort zones.

No I wouldn't. It's a great idea if that's what you're into but not every child is the same.

Can you talk to your inlaw by passing mil and tell them she isn't keen on it maybe if they understand she can just be in the background? The friend I would decline .

Why would you make her go to something that you know she will hate?! Some children just don’t like parties at all, and come to no harm from not going to them.

You don't 'turn down the cousins.' You 'have something else you've already committed too, unfortunately.'