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Original poster

To make dd go to the parties

160 replies

Midge1978 · 28/12/2017 14:15

Dd (6) has been invited to two parties - one is her cousin's and one is a class mate's. Both are at the same place and involve the children making a pop video. It involves prancing around, dressing up, posing and singing. It's basically dd's idea of utter hell. Whereas her cousin and her classmate love being loud and performing to music.

Dd gets very upset at the thought of going to these parties, particularly her cousins where she won't know any of the guests apart from her cousin. I do feel sorry for her but hasn't she got to learn that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do and maybe she can have fun if she tries?

OP posts:
Original poster
Midge1978 · 28/12/2017 14:59

callmeadoctor I am taking on board everyone's views. I have just tried to put across why it's difficult to say no in this situation. I have said that I will have to turn them down.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 28/12/2017 15:01

The cousin one I might make her go to if you want to go but I wouldn't make her take part in anything she didn't want to. If she wants to sit with you then join in for the food then she's at least shown her face. And she might find there are some bits she wants to join in with. The other one I'd be 'busy' if she really doesn't want to go.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 28/12/2017 15:01

if I had to send my DD to a party like this

HAD TO??? ffs.

No one, child or adult, should ever be forced to do something this unnecessary (obv not the vital stuff before the usual "so you don't force kids to brush their teeth" shit starts)

Even a 6 yr old is capable of expressing an opinion and should have it listened to respectfully.

It is downright shit to teach kids the message you have to do things to please others or face emotional blackmail/bullying....and this from people who supposedly care about you.
Dangerous in fact.

lazymum99 · 28/12/2017 15:02

I hate this sort of party and actually don't much like any parties. It took until middle age for me to be able to decline stuff I felt uncomfortable with.
It would also be very hard for a 6 year old to be happy about just watching a performing party in the background. Please don't make her go. I can still remember feeing physically sick as a child being made to go to stuff.
As for your MIL, how dare she have a go at her 6 year old grandchild about anything. And WTF is she doing in your house every weekend even if recently widowed. That would be grounds for divorce in my house.

Insomnibrat · 28/12/2017 15:02

Please don't make her go.
Id have HATED that sort of party and probably would have been 'the child who spoiled it' too.

I spent many years trying to fit into groups and activities I didn't enjoy. It made me miserable.

Teach her it's ok to be her.

Beeziekn33ze · 28/12/2017 15:04

Can you talk to the party venue/organisers? They must be used to children who aren't keen to join in. With possibly every other guest desperate to be in the limelight maybe there is a passive role for the reluctant ones, or a chance to sit and watch.
OP's DD may not be the only guest who'd rather take a backseat!

MrsJayy · 28/12/2017 15:04

My eldest is in her 20s she was introverted and shy something like this would have her really upset to the point of crying at the thought so she missed out on some parties growing up but she is social just choosey I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It is an invite not a summons as long as parents know in plenty of time then it is ok to decline.

Fluffyears · 28/12/2017 15:05

Jeez if dp insisted his widowed mother stayed every weekend he’d be sent to live with her so she wouldn’t ever be lonely again!

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 28/12/2017 15:06

Midge part of the point is that there shouldn't even be a situation where its difficult to say no.

No one in a decent family or friendship group would dream of emotionally bullying a 6yr old to do something they would hate.
It's not healthy to feel so cowed in a relationship that you can't say no.

The parties are a symptom of much bigger problem.

GingerbreadMa · 28/12/2017 15:06

No, dont try to just show up for the food etc. Once there she'll get pressured to join in and will feel embarrassed if she gets upset about being pushed to do it.

Just turn it down outright. And go out for icecream with cousin another day.

Ethylred · 28/12/2017 15:07

Sounds ghastly and exactly the sort of thing my mother used to make me do. Why she did it I never discovered and it did no good at all.

topcat2014 · 28/12/2017 15:10

I am 46 and would happily decline anything involving any kind of acting or performance.

There is a difference between a bit of gentle 'pushing' into something you think they will ultimately like, and forcing to do something they would hate.

diddl · 28/12/2017 15:10

I can't think why you would force her.

A couple of years & I might think about trying to talk her into things that she doesn't really want to do.

Invitations can be accepted or declined.

Straycatblue · 28/12/2017 15:11

callmeadoctor I am taking on board everyone's views. I have just tried to put across why it's difficult to say no in this situation. I have said that I will have to turn them down.

Thats great news that you are going to decline both parties.

Teach her it's ok to be her.

This, for both you and your daughter and have a look at the reasons why you found it so difficult to put both your daughters needs and your own first over other family members. Perhaps there is something you can work on in yourself to empower yourself to just say no next time without getting anxious and trying to think of excuses.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 28/12/2017 15:11

What if the cousin really wants her there though? There has to be some balance between not being a people pleaser and thinking of others. Going and watching if she wants would seem a fair compromise to me.
Ds has been invited to 'girly' parties that are not his thing and he still goes but just declines the make over or whatever.

Makingahome · 28/12/2017 15:12

Just say no thank you for invitation, X won't be attending. If pushed be honest. She's shy, quiet and already getting anxious.

She's six. Listen and protect her from unnecessary anxiety. Give her the confidence to know you've got her back on stuff like this and who knows one day she might give it a go.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 15:12

I think it would be mean to make her go. A possible workaround would be to go but not stay long unless she wanted to and not take part in the video. Basically show up with a present and let DD decide whether or not to take part. Explain to SIL about your DD's shyness.

category12 · 28/12/2017 15:15

God no, don't make her go. Mil can suck it.

kemptownlady · 28/12/2017 15:16

Why not say to cousin's mum that you're incredibly sorry but you just can't make it that day, and offer to take cousin out for a treat with your DD such as cinema or painting pottery another day? I've done that in the past when I've been in that situation. I'd decline the friend's invitation and not feel remotely guilty about that. There will be plenty of other parties to go to. Alternatively, if you feel that you have to take DD to the Cousin's party, could you suggest to cousin's mum that your DD isn't very confident in these situations and ask her to keep an eye out for her and help her join in? xx

CIssieB · 28/12/2017 15:16

I wouldn’t make her go.

You can tell MIL a fib - that DD wasn’t well.

It’s not ideal but for now it’s ok.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 28/12/2017 15:17

Decline.

It does sound like you are the one who needs to learn it's ok to say no, you can say no to these invites for your DD. You can say no to your mil's interfering. You can say no to your DH re hosting his mother each weekend.

Saying no to stuff, learn it for yourself, model it to your DD.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 28/12/2017 15:17

Sorry, I can't get past having to have MiL every weekend. No, you don't 'have to'. It's very kind of you if you're doing it out of the kindness of your heart, but I rather suspect that your DH is the one who is forcing this issue. This is so unfair to you and your child(ren).

Are there no other children she can go to for the weekend? Can your DH not go stay with her to keep her company, at least every other weekend?

When my dad died, I spent extra time with my mum and had her over frequently until she was emotionally back on her feet (somewhat) but once she got over the worst of it she pretty much told us to get on with our own lives. She then actively built herself a new life with church activities and a group of other elderly widows. They called themselves 'The Amazing Greys' and met to play Canasta weekly and also got together to serve food at a soup kitchen. She never stopped missing Dad, but she knew that he wouldn't have wanted her mourn her life away. His aim in life was to see her happy.

As far as the parties, I'd decline both. If you can't face a contretemps with MiL or you are sure she would harangue your DD about it, arrange an overnight with another friend for that weekend, or at least a playdate to get DD out of the house.

What does your DH think about all this?

Peachyking000 · 28/12/2017 15:18

she will give dd a hard time about letting her cousin down

In this were my MIL, she wouldn’t be getting to spend weekends in my house, if she upset my DC

GreyMorning · 28/12/2017 15:18

Could you arrange a late arrival so you miss the video/singing and attend for cake etc at the end? Be honest and say your daughter is anxious about singing but would love to spend time with her cousin afterwards.

GingerbreadMa · 28/12/2017 15:19

. "Going and watching if she wants would seem a fair compromise to me"
Standing there looking embarrassed while the others ask her why shes not singing & "just try" isnt going to be fun for the OPs child OR the birthday girl who is no longer the centre of attention now that everyone is focussing on the girl who is not joining in!
Also, once one kid opts out, suddenly others who would have happily joined it will want to just watch too...its a recipe for disaster! Just dont go!

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