To make dd go to the parties

[Midge1978]

Dd (6) has been invited to two parties - one is her cousin's and one is a class mate's. Both are at the same place and involve the children making a pop video. It involves prancing around, dressing up, posing and singing. It's basically dd's idea of utter hell. Whereas her cousin and her classmate love being loud and performing to music.

Dd gets very upset at the thought of going to these parties, particularly her cousins where she won't know any of the guests apart from her cousin. I do feel sorry for her but hasn't she got to learn that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do and maybe she can have fun if she tries?

If she's not comfortable with stuff like that, and wouldn't enjoy the party, then what's the point. Maybe make an appearance to wish them happy birthday 🎂 and give gifts, then leave. Of its not her thing it's not fair to make her.

I’m a gran and when my son was 7 (he’s now 33), I made him attend a church parade with his cubs group, which he really did not want to do. He got very upset but I insisted, thinking that he needed to learn that we all have to do things that we don’t want to do and that he should not let people down who were expecting him to attend. How I regret that choice. I have felt guilty about it for the past 26 years and I feel desperately sad that he has this memory of me forcing him into doing something that he did not want to do. So my message to you is don’t make the mistake that I did, your child is more important than your mother-in-law and your loyalties are to your daughter.

Joesnan- well said.

Kids don't have to learn to put other people's needs above their own.

If they are raised with respect and compassion they will learn to respect and value the needs of others, but that's a lesson for them to learn.
And we each have our own lines to draw in the sand.

I am happily introverted and not very sociable. I was pushed as a child and in the first part of my adult life spent the time trying far too hard to please others- at my own expense.

Pleasing others at our own expense is not always a good thing and can be a downright dangerous thing to teach children.

Joesnan, thank you for realising it was a mistake, that makes you a GOOD nan not a bad one!

In my case there were endless parades, and recitals etc...and it was never acknowledged/accepted that they were NOT actually "helping" me face my fears. They did not build my confidence they did the opposite (its embarrassing to be up there beside kids who have an afinity for it amd enjoy it, it just highlights your own lack of it), if anything they just more deeply ingrained my mental blocks

And as an adult its made me realise that the adult who made me do it doesnt and never did like ME. They liked the kid they thought they could mould me into. I had lots of other talents they just did not lie in the performing arts spectrum.

I think little ones know what they like and don’t, I agree sometimes we have to push our / their boundaries but not if it will cause anxiety or make them miserable. It’s ok to not enjoy certain things in life, and to be honest about it, that’s what makes us individual, sometimes what we enjoy changes

Could you decline the non relative party and use the excuse you have plans.

With the relative, talk and explain the situation. If it was one of my dear family, I’d totally understand non attendance or make sure if they came they weren’t put under any pressure to partake in what made them feel uncomfortable, could they take on an asset director or costume role?

*asst director!!!

Decline both invitations - why should she have to do something she doesn't want to? No-one else will care if she doesn't attend, your DD will be unhappy if she does have to.

I would definitely not send her. It will be horrible for her to know that you don't support her and I'm sorry but as for your mil why are you letting her stay every weekend, because your husband insists on it. Then I would say to him, be reasonable, we are a grown married couple and it's not right to have your mum staying with us and tell him how she makes you feel, like u can't make the decisions about your own daughter. I'd be furious with her. I know she lost her.partner, but for crying out loud, it doesn't give her the right to infringe on your life. X

Would your DD hate it if you stayed and joined in with her?
It’s just that children this age can get anxious at the thought of activities like this then discover they actually love the reality.

You know DD best. If you think she might have a good time but is just scared then support her to have a go. (You can reassure her that you’ll take her home if she hates it)

If you know she’ll hate every minute then let her decline the invititations.

But for every time I have made them go and regretted it there have been twice the number of times they've not wanted to go, I've made them and they've had a ball!

Not easy being a parent...