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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make dd go to the parties

160 replies

Midge1978 · 28/12/2017 14:15

Dd (6) has been invited to two parties - one is her cousin's and one is a class mate's. Both are at the same place and involve the children making a pop video. It involves prancing around, dressing up, posing and singing. It's basically dd's idea of utter hell. Whereas her cousin and her classmate love being loud and performing to music.

Dd gets very upset at the thought of going to these parties, particularly her cousins where she won't know any of the guests apart from her cousin. I do feel sorry for her but hasn't she got to learn that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do and maybe she can have fun if she tries?

OP posts:

Original poster

Midge1978 · 28/12/2017 16:03

Straycat I did initially turn down the cousin's but after a chat with sil to see what the party involved, I asked dd if she would be ok to go if she didn't have to do the singing and she said smiled and said yes and then said she was looking forward to it! If she had said no I would not have made her.

Sil knows what dd is like and I know she won't force her. At the classmate's party there is more likely to be peer pressure on her. I feel this isnthe right decision now.

OP posts:

Knittedfairies · 28/12/2017 16:03

A good update Midge - as long as there is no pressure to perform, your daughter may enjoy herself. My son likes to watch from the sidelines too.

I hope you get some of your weekends back - it may not be helping your MIL to come to terms with her situation if she stays with you every weekend.

kateandme · 28/12/2017 16:07

when it comes to parties i dont think at age 6 she needs to leanr that sometimes we need to do things we don't like.becasue she shouldn't have to at this point!
how close are you to auntie.could you do something with both cousins at a different time.and explain this to auntie that ur dd just feels so shy bout this type of thing.surely shed understand.you could suggest the pictures or picnic/meal out sometimes instead for you all and that it would be a lovely thing to be able to join the party but with the them it just cant be done for your dd and shes just too scared.
for the friend cant you just say your busy.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 16:08

Midge, that's great. You have learnt that things are negotiable and your daughter has too. Hope you get MIL back home and that DD and Cousin enjoy the party.

Sleephead1 · 28/12/2017 16:11

Op my son is why I was very shy as a child but even now I wouldn't get up and sing and perform in front of people! I think sometimes to much is expected of children like getting on stage for nativity plays, sports day ECT when loads of adults wouldn't do it themselves but expect the children to. I think either quickly book something that week end like a show or tickets to something then you have plans or just explain to cousins parents and mil that your daughter really doesn't like the idea for the party and its upsetting her so you will have to give it a miss but would love to take your nice on a birthday treat.

kateandme · 28/12/2017 16:13

oo just read update.sounds like the cousins party could be really fun then.she might just watch from the outside and then even get more confident and bounce along in there.
with the peer pressure party of a friend this could actually force her more within herself so id decline.id be worried for my dd if that was the situation she was being put in on something like that.
also then she would be comparing the two experience and in he ryoung mind migh get awful confused.
your sil sounds lovely and considerate so id just go to that one.

WeAllHaveWings · 28/12/2017 16:25

I always go to parties where there is karaoke and insist there is no way I will be singing so don't ask me, but generally I get carried away with everyone doing it, your dd might too if someone does it with her (though I suspect, for me, vodka might also have something to do with it!)

PuppyMonkey · 28/12/2017 16:26

Well, fair play OP - but I think there is still ample opportunity for your DD to develop a nasty case of flu on the morning of the party. One that lasts several weeks and will unfortunately mean MIL can't visit for a while either.

FuckingHateHappy · 28/12/2017 16:28

Straycat I did initially turn down the cousin's but after a chat with sil to see what the party involved, I asked dd if she would be ok to go if she didn't have to do the singing and she said smiled and said yes and then said she was looking forward to it! If she had said no I would not have made her.

Sil knows what dd is like and I know she won't force her. At the classmate's party there is more likely to be peer pressure on her. I feel this isnthe right decision now.

But didn't she say she doesn't know anyone there and she'd feel uncomfortable as opposed to her friend's party? You basically still made her go in your own indirect way so that you look great in front of MIL and cousin

GingerbreadMa · 28/12/2017 16:30

Hmm
Yeah but people SAY that a lot and go back on it
Even to adults who are better able to stick up for themselves.
Once youre there the "are you sure you dont want to TRY it" starts...

Chickoletta · 28/12/2017 16:31

I wouldn't make her go. But then, neither would I give up every weekend for my lonely mother in law...

InvisibleKittenAttack · 28/12/2017 16:36

Is SIL SH's sister? So you know MIL has other family she could go to. And frankly, she'll never build a network if she fills her time with you and DH.

It's great you've seen that you have people pleasing tendancies, it's hard to learn to say no to stuff. Work on that! Book to see your own family. Tell MIL you aren't free.

Original poster

Midge1978 · 28/12/2017 16:36

I can't please all of you! I feel we've done the right thing letting her decide and she's still in control, if she changes her mind at any point then that will be respected. She won't be pushed into it when she gets there. I will make sure of it, however, if she wants to have a go then she will have the option and may have fun and a confidence boost. If not that will be fine. The other children won't know or care if she joins in or not whereas her classmates would.

OP posts:

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 28/12/2017 16:38

Why don't all MiL's children share her 'company'?

My mum and auntie (the daughters naturally) had 100% responsibility for keeping an eye on and entertaining my grandparents on the weekends whilst their three brothers got off scot free. My DGP were lovely and appreciative but it still tied the 'sisters' down whilst the 'brothers' were free to go on holidays, etc. Finally my uncle (aunt's DH) and my dad got my uncles together and read them the riot act. Upshot was that a rota was established and they all started equal sharing of care duties.

I suggest you have a stern word with your DH and do likewise with his siblings!

BiglyBadgers · 28/12/2017 16:39

I think what you have agreed it fine midge. I also think that sometimes the secret to mumsnet is knowing when to walk away. You can never please all the people all of the time.

Archietheinventor · 28/12/2017 16:45

My daughter was like that - when she was 7 she was invited to a friend’s party with the same kind of set up. She really didn’t want to go, but I spoke to the mum and said she was shy, wouldn’t want to sing etc,but wanted to be with her friends etc. She ended up having a great time - wasn’t made to join in, but just sat at the back and pretended to sing, and felt part of the ‘gang’ without having to put herself out there. I think it’s good for kids to try new things - even if they think they will hate it, sometimes they come round...(as long as it’s not something dangerous, terrifying, going to scar them for life etc)

Pearlsaringer · 28/12/2017 16:51

I think you’ve made a good decision there OP. Well handled. Now MIL... Is she trying to avoid being alone in her empty house do you think? Perhaps a better solution might be your DH going round there on his own or with DC instead of her always coming to yours. It would give you a break at least and very importantly would prevent this becoming a permanent arrangement. Of course you must be kind, but it isn’t in her long term interests to become dependent on your family to fill the void.

user1471449805 · 28/12/2017 17:02

I think you've got bigger issues than a child's birthday party.

lljkk · 28/12/2017 17:09

I think you did brill, Midge. You do Not Have to Answer to MNers.

SilverySurfer · 28/12/2017 18:37

A brilliant result Midge - now you need to grapple with the weekly MiL visit and it doesn't sound as if your DH is ready or willing to pull back on that arrangement. If your DH has brothers and/or sisters maybe it's time for them to take their turn?

I hope your DD enjoys her cousin's party and the best of luck with offloading your MiL, for at least some weekends.

BatShite · 28/12/2017 21:32

It involves prancing around, dressing up, posing and singing. It's basically dd's idea of utter hell.

Absolutely no way I would be forcing my child to do something that IO already know she would not like to do. Nor something she was upset at the thought of.

Even the cousins one. A simple 'she would not enjoy it, sorry' would suffice.

Hoppinggreen · 28/12/2017 21:34

My DS doesn’t like football parties but gets invited to at least one a term.
We just politely decline, I see no reason to make him go

ShiftyMcGifty · 29/12/2017 07:35

“I can't please all of you! “

Tsk! I thought you were working on those people pleasing tendencies!

We are an anonymous bunch of strangers on the internet. Some of us have our own issues we project onto others on here. You shouldn’t give a shinny fart about pleasing ANY of us!

Lucylululu · 29/12/2017 07:49

Do NOT make her go. That's awful to put her in a situation like that. She won't learn from it, she will just feel miserable and have horrible memories of it. I can say from experience that you cannot bully or teach an introverted child into becoming an extrovert by forcing her to go to things she doesn't want to. Please don't make her go.

Pannacott · 29/12/2017 08:27

For anyone struggling with people pleasing or lack of assertiveness, here is a link to a really good, free, online assertiveness self-help course
www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51

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