To make dd go to the parties

[Midge1978]

Dd (6) has been invited to two parties - one is her cousin's and one is a class mate's. Both are at the same place and involve the children making a pop video. It involves prancing around, dressing up, posing and singing. It's basically dd's idea of utter hell. Whereas her cousin and her classmate love being loud and performing to music.

Dd gets very upset at the thought of going to these parties, particularly her cousins where she won't know any of the guests apart from her cousin. I do feel sorry for her but hasn't she got to learn that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do and maybe she can have fun if she tries?

I still accept invitations to stuff I really don’t want to go to as to not cause ‘offence’. Tbh I wish I had learnt as a child that it is okay to not do stuff I don’t want to (with the exception of work etc) basically I have no idea how to say no.

She is 6, I would let her do what she wants

Anything - it's mainly the cousins one that I'm concerned about declining due to causing offence.

Arethere - my mil stays with us every weekend so I can't lie about having plans.

I really don't think it's fair to make your DD do this. If she had wanted to go and then changed her mind, fair enough, but it sounds like it really will upset her having to do it. It presumably also won't be much fun if one of the partygoers looks unhappy and worried, and unenthusiastic in the video?

I would rather cause offence to my MIL than force my 6yr old into a situation that I know will cause such distress. Easy choice in my opinion.

I would explain to her that it while it isn’t her favourite thing to do, it means a lot to her friend/cousin and they will miss her company if she doesn’t go.

My daughter would hate this, my eldest one would love it.

All kids are different, personally I’d offer an alternative day bowling to say sorry we can’t make it That way your daughter will feel better possibly

No way would I make her go.
I hate parties too and will always find an excuse.

Could you compromise? She goes to her cousins but not the school friend. She tries for a set period of time, sees if she enjoys it and has fun, and if it's bloody awful you leave early feigning that she isn't feeling well?

Ah, that's more difficult.

my mil stays with us every weekend so I can't lie about having plans.
In that case declining is a win-win situation - DD isn't subjected to hell and you get your weekends back

You have to push yourself socially sometimes - very easy to be a shy decliner

And this is a problem because....

my mil stays with us every weekend so I can't lie about having plans

so make alternative plans

Nike how would I get my weekends back?

It's a good opportunity to show your dd how to decline something gracefully.

A card saying thank you for invitation but it's not really her thing and suggesting an alternative like going to see Paddington next week.

So either make an alternative plan or tell your MIL straight that your dd doesn't want to go. What's more important here - your MIL's feelings or your dd??

And why on earth does your MIl stay with you every weekend?

Sounds like hell. I'd make a new year's resolution to change that if you're not happy with it.

Dont make her go, if shes anything like me she'll hate it to the point of being unable to hide it. I get awful "stage fright" and would be forced to do things like this as a child, then once there I would be told off for "sulking" (I was petrified and embarrassed, not "sulking"). I would "ruin" the photographs by "refusing to smile" (I would be on the verge of tears). And I would end up being made out to be selfish and attention seeking when actually I just wanted to run home and hide.

Im otherwise fairly confident and sociable, but "performing"/singing/dancing turn me into a rabbit in headlights, and Im sorry but I just cant "get into the spirit" for the sake of the host.

I still accept invitations to stuff I really don’t want to go to as to not cause ‘offence’. Tbh I wish I had learnt as a child that it is okay to not do stuff I don’t want to (with the exception of work etc) basically I have no idea how to say no.
This ^^ It's taken me a long time to learn to say no, and even that's only to some things. My mum still says yes to everything despite not wanting to just because she feels obliged. She's got years ahead of her where she'll have to do stuff she doesn't want, just let her be herself and encourage her to carry on expressing her feelings (so that she doesn't post on her in 30 years complaining that she's being walked all over!)

Why is it ok to make your daughter do something twice, but not upset your mother in law once?!
Please don’t make her go. She has the right to say no for whatever reason matters to her.

Midge you'd not have MIL there any more because she'd take the hump!

It's not mil's feelings I care about - I just know that she will give dd a hard time about letting her cousin down.

Mil was widowed a year ago and insists that she is lonely at home at weekends so we have to have her. Dh is insistent on it.

Your MIL is a big girl and can look after her own moods and flounces. You dd is not and needs you on her side rather than trying to placate an irascible grown woman.

Nike that wouldn't happen, she would still come.

You're mother in law stays with you every weekend and would get furious if you didn't take your DD to a party she would hate? This all sounds horrendous to me. It sounds like she is there all the time and dictating what you do with your time.

Your DD is 6. Don't make her go to a party she would hate. That's no fun for anyone. Send apologies and arrange a smaller catch up with the cousin another time. Tell your mil to bog off.

Gingerbread that's exactly what I fear will happen. I think I shall have to decline both somehow.