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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make dd go to the parties

160 replies

Midge1978 · 28/12/2017 14:15

Dd (6) has been invited to two parties - one is her cousin's and one is a class mate's. Both are at the same place and involve the children making a pop video. It involves prancing around, dressing up, posing and singing. It's basically dd's idea of utter hell. Whereas her cousin and her classmate love being loud and performing to music.

Dd gets very upset at the thought of going to these parties, particularly her cousins where she won't know any of the guests apart from her cousin. I do feel sorry for her but hasn't she got to learn that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do and maybe she can have fun if she tries?

OP posts:
ProperLavs · 28/12/2017 14:42

then don't let her give your dd a hard time, stop her from doing that.

lorelairoryemily · 28/12/2017 14:42

Don't lie about having plans, make some!! I really wouldn't make her do something she hates that much just to keep other people happy. It's not her responsibility to make other people happy.

AlexanderHamilton · 28/12/2017 14:43

I wouldn't make her go. I've declined lots of parties my two would have hated (Ds with autism & Dd a hypermobile dancer who mustn't risk injury) over the years.

Saying that once Ds wanted a football party we knew his very best friend would hate so we made arrangements for him to come to just part of the party & not actually take part in the activity.

I used to help run kids drama/dance parties & if a child really hates that sort of thing they won't enjoy it.

BiglyBadgers · 28/12/2017 14:44

If she is lonely she needs to find a hobby or something to go to. I appreciate bereavement is hard, my father is a widower, but you can't give up your life for her and you can't let her give a 6 year old a hard time. I think you need to have a talk with your dh about the fact that his family is more than his mil and he needs to consider the rest of you as well n

humblesims · 28/12/2017 14:44

my mil will hit the roof if we turn down the cousins
Please dont make your DD go if she is worried. Your Mil should understand and if she doesnt then thats her problem. You have to put your DD first. What does your DH think?

ShiftyMcGifty · 28/12/2017 14:44

MIL, my child will not be attending. I trust you can be an adult and keep your opinions to yourself about this and not say a word? If you don’t think you can, best make other plans for next few weekends.

She’s welcomed as long as she respects your decisions and doesn’t bully your child.

BluePlasticBuddha · 28/12/2017 14:45

My DM used to throw me under the bus to keep extended members of the family happy. It;s quite a bad thing to teach your child- that the feelings and needs of other people matter more than your child's, and that it is woman's place to be a people pleaser no matter what you truly feel.

I would honestly decline politely. Suggest an alternative 1:1 meetup with the cousin and if your MIL has the bloody nerve to make your 6 year old feel guilty about it you need to stomp on her hard.

callmeadoctor · 28/12/2017 14:45

Then you are stuck coz you are not taking on board any of our ideas!!!! Your child comes first, numbers will be limited so Im sure that birthday child would want to invite somebody who would enjoy it.

Confusedbeetle · 28/12/2017 14:45

No way would force a shy child to perform. Explain that she would be unhappy with the activity. None of my children would have been happy with this activity

JollyGiraffe · 28/12/2017 14:46

Is there some sort of birthday tea happening afterwards that she glcof go to?

So skip the bit she would hate but still go to the rest of the party?

I hated anything like that as a child too, so she has my sympathy!!

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 28/12/2017 14:49

As is classic line on MN...you have a DH/MIL problem.

  1. DH doesn't get to insist on anything for a start.
  2. If your MIL would seriously have a go at a six yr old about "letting people down" she is horrible and borderline abusive. 3)You must teach your DD it is ok to say no to things she doesn't want to do. Otherwise you set her up for a lifetime of people pleasing and acquiescence, which could lead to terrible situations.

All the people I know who were forced to do things to please others from a young age have issues with boundaries and being assertive.

It's not modelling healthy relationships when you show its ok to bow to bullying/pressure from people who should love you and understand.

Nikephorus · 28/12/2017 14:50

Why not just explain to cousin's parent that DD would find it really hard work & so while she'd love to be celebrating with cousin, unfortunately she'll not be coming this time (and hand over present). Any decent person would accept this and be fine, and MIL can't then (legitimately) complain.
Your MIL's visits (and DH's attitude) are a whole other AIBU!

SnowGlitter · 28/12/2017 14:50

Make plans.
Leave your MIL to manage her own feelings on this matter.
Do what's right by your child.

2sly4you · 28/12/2017 14:50

She'd only have to un-learn that 'you go to things even if you don't want to attend' when she's older and needs to prioritise her time and energy. (As in the idea of making a budget of fucks to give a la Sarah Knight)

Rainbowmother · 28/12/2017 14:52

I'd skip it. A party is meant to be fun not an endurance test.

I understand what your saying and yes it does pay to go outside your comfort zone...but this isn't doing a school presentation, it's an activity that you know she will hate.

If you're worried about causing offence I would send cousin a gift and say the activity was making dd feel anxious. You'd have to be cold hearted to have a problem with that

everythingtwinklesatxmas · 28/12/2017 14:53

Just be honest and thank for the invite but it's not your dds thing, at 6yo it's not unreasonable to have preferences...really don't see the issue. Perhaps the extra place could be offered to a child who would enjoy it.

Straycatblue · 28/12/2017 14:53

If it's her idea of hell why would you force her?

This ^

You are putting the wellbeing of her cousins and your MIL's opinion over that of your own child.

I remember vividly being forced to socilialize as a young child by my parents in order to keep others happy and it was horrible and it certainly didnt help me to learn that sometimes I had to do things I didnt want to do, I was already very well aware of that and as for maybe she can have fun if she tries? , thats just trying to fit in with whats socially acceptable.

Its not like its an unmissable wedding etc , its a 6 year old birthday party

Dont do that to your child, her emotional wellbeing should be your priority.
.

Emmasmum2013 · 28/12/2017 14:53

my DD is very shy too, she'd hate that sort of thing and I wouldn't make her go. I know people might think "it'll be for the best in the long run" and "she might have fun if she tries it" but I know how anxious she'd be. It takes her a good while to warm up to new situations like that and especially when there's other kids there who are more energetic and vocal. She just kind of fades herself into the background (poor thing)

OP - if I had to send my DD to a party like this I'd practice with her in the week, get a mic and practice some songs and dances with her, maybe even take her to the venue so she knows what to expect before hand?
If that's not an option I'd ask her what she wants to do this weekend and just take yourselves off for a mummy-daughter day. :)

Silvercatowner · 28/12/2017 14:54

I used to be anxious to the point of vomiting before parties and other such occasions when I was little. Thank goodness I'm now a grown up and can decline/excuse myself.

ChangedToday · 28/12/2017 14:54

Can she attend the party but not participate in the pop video? As a child I hated competitive party games, even declined an invitation to a whole class party. In some cases the party parents allowed me to sit out the games I hated. While agree that kids sometimes need a nudge, sometimes you need to let them choose what's right for them. Even age 6

MessyBun247 · 28/12/2017 14:55

‘My DM used to throw me under the bus to keep extended members of the family happy. It;s quite a bad thing to teach your child- that the feelings and needs of other people matter more than your child's, and that it is woman's place to be a people pleaser no matter what you truly feel.’

Yes this, this and this again. I was told ‘Ok you don’t have to do X, Y, Z....but I’ll be really disappointed in you’. So I ended up doing so many things I didn’t want to do, miserable, out of guilt. My feelings didn’t matter at all. I’ll be honest, it’s only now at 32 that I’m breaking out of the pattern. I’m quite resentful about it. I always let DD1 decide what she wants to do, within reason obviously, and not make her feel guilty about her choices. I will do the same with DD2 when she is older (she’s not 2 yet).

I want my daughters to be independent, confident, secure in themselves. Not painfully shy pushovers like I was.

If people are going to ‘hit the roof’, frankly, let them hit the roof. That’s their problem.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 28/12/2017 14:57

It would be cruel to make her go tbh.

JustAnIdiot · 28/12/2017 14:58

Could she help in the background pressing buttons to start the music or something?

If not, I wouldn't make her go.

It is ridiculous that you have to have MIL every weekend - I know she's been widowed fairly recently, but she needs to be encouraged to be a bit more independent now. Certainly not up to her to dictate & try to force relationships between your DD & her cousin.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/12/2017 14:58

Don't make her go and don't worry that by doing so you are setting her up for a lifetime of avoiding social situations.

At 6 one of my DDs hated parties, would cry her eyes out beforehand, even if it was a very close friend. She'd beg me to stay, want to go home early etc etc so we stopped accepting invites for a while, prob a year or two.

Now at nearly 17 she's a party animal, always out with a large group of friends.

Chill, don't stress her out with it all.

Branleuse · 28/12/2017 14:59

i think you should tell them that your dd is getting a lot of anxiety over the party and would it be possible to do something with her cousin seperatly and a bit more low key.
I dont think your daughter needs to sacrifice her own comfort and happiness from now till the party just because you dont want to deal with your inlaws.

The classmate - simple, just say that unfortunately she wont be able to attend, and then just send a card with a packet of sweets in it

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