To make dd go to the parties

[Midge1978]

Dd (6) has been invited to two parties - one is her cousin's and one is a class mate's. Both are at the same place and involve the children making a pop video. It involves prancing around, dressing up, posing and singing. It's basically dd's idea of utter hell. Whereas her cousin and her classmate love being loud and performing to music.

Dd gets very upset at the thought of going to these parties, particularly her cousins where she won't know any of the guests apart from her cousin. I do feel sorry for her but hasn't she got to learn that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do and maybe she can have fun if she tries?

Oh yes if mil would be upset, I presume that's because the cousin is mils other grandchild, so there's another sibling of DH she could spend time with rather than always with you.

You are allowed to say no to stuff. Start with your mil. You don't have to have her stay every weekend, it is a choice you can make - someone else's desire to have you do something does not create an obligation on your behalf. You can say no.

she got to learn that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do and maybe she can have fun if she tries?

LanaKanes is spot on. Think about what you are teaching your daughter about consent, assertiveness and people pleasing.

Having said that, I hope you can find a compromise in there somewhere.

Generally in life its good practice to accept whole heartedly or decline. Dont go to something if you know youre going to drag down the mood (even if unintentionally)

From someone who was like your DD, please don't force her to go. She'll tell you if she wants to.

I've been to and hosted a lot of kids parties and there's generally 1 or 2 who are a bit shy and stay close to parents at this age. No-one bats an eyelid. The other kids will be far too busy doing the activity.

‘What if the cousin really wants her there though? There has to be some balance between not being a people pleaser and thinking of others.’

There’s thinking of others, and then there’s enduring things that will make you miserable just to please others. In this situation it sounds like the latter. If people care about you and respect you, they shouldn’t guilt you into doing things.

If MiL is so concerned about your DD's cousin, suggest she goes round there when she wants company at weekends.

This sounds like the tip of the iceberg - agree with PP there is no way I would force DD to go if I were you, and I say that as a performer and the parent of two "performing" DC.

Did I read correctly, you have to entertain your MIL every single weekend?

What happens if you tell DH you are going to meet a friend or something with DD? What if you want your home to yourself for a weekend?

I can't understand WTAF it has to do with MIL if DD doesn't attend her cousins party. I hope if she attempts to have a go at DD you will ask her nicely to STFU and if she persists you will ask her to leave?

If the cousins party has other things to do and there are a lots of children invited, or she can bring a friend and doesn't need to participate then I'd encourage her to go, if she would have to participate then its ok to decline and as pp says do something on another day.

It's difficult- my mil will hit the roof if we turn down the cousins.

You need to sort out your boundaries with your MIL so it is clear her opinion has not been sought or wanted. It is not unreasonable to say to her you and dh have decided and discussed with dd and she is to leave it be or she will need to go home.

Also talk to you dh about starting to wean your MIL off spending every weekend at yours. Maybe start with every other weekend and your DH can visit her for a few hours the weekends she is not there. She needs to develop her own interests if she is lonely or bored. You have been very patient and accommodating for a year, its time she became more independent again.

I wouldn;t make her go personally and I would just say it is not her kind of thing (sounds like my idea of hell too)

But if you feel you absolutely have to avoid offending cousins/MIL, then can you suggest a compromise for example
You stay with your DD, she doesn;t join in the pop video - she either does an activity with you (colouring or a craft thing etc) and she joins in the party food, cake, singing happy birthday etc.
Or perhaps if she was feeling a bit braver and found she wanted to join in a little bit, then she could have a special job - like helping the other children choose and get into thier costumes or whatever, on the definite promise to her that she will not have to perform and no one will try to make her.

That way she's turned up with a present, not offended anyone, biut you have protected her from something she hates.

I would have no qualms saying to any family member, DD hates things like this and I'm not going to force her to do it. No adult would be forced into doing something they would loathe (I would certainly turn down an invitation to paintballing for instance) they might decide to stretch out of their comfort zone sometimes, but that is an individuals choice when and if they choose.

There will be a million things your DD will have to do in her life which she will prefer not to do - going to a party should not one of them. Why would you force her to go knowing it would make her miserable? I totally disagree with those who think you should push her to go.

As for your MiL - I think you're a saint having her every weekend - time to grab back time for yourself and suggest alternate weekends. I hope and am sure you would back DD up to the hilt if MiL tried to give her a hard time for not going to cousin's party.

Good luck

Oh dear, that's hard to cope with. But you can't please everyone all the time. If your DD really doesn't want to go, I don't think you should feel bad about declining.

And it really has nothing whatsoever to do with your MIL.

Thank you very much for all your replies. We're turning down the friend. Have spoken to sil and explained how dd feels and she understands and dd won't be pushed to do anything she doesn't want to do. There's other options for those who don't want to take part and the singing bit is only part of the party.

Your views have opened my eyes a lot about my own people pleasing tendancies and I will be a lot more cautious about potentially passing them on to dd. I have had a miserable year missing having weekends with my own family and putting up with my mil because dh is so afraid of her being lonely. I will try and assert myself about this now even though I risk us arguing and me being called selfish, my feelings matter too. Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

Of course you don’t make her go. When my DD was that age she would have hated this type of party whereby her cousin loved to be centre of attention. We just said no thanks. My DD is now 23 and would be first up there
Just explain to the in laws and maybe invite cousin for a birthday tea

thats a lovely update OP. I hope you continue to grow in strength. It will be such a good influence on your daughter.

Goodluck MIdge. Good on you - a million times- for asking the question ad listening to perspectives that will hopefully help.

I hope you also can overcome the people pleasing and the weekly MIL strain- it sounds horrific and you have been supportive and stoic.

I am trying to get over my own people pleasing things - I am meant to spend next christmas with my parents and just know that my mum will force us to parade like show ponies around her family. It makes me feel sick at the thought. I know already the emotional manipulation that will come my way. Girding my loins for the showdown......

You've done very well, OP. Well done for speaking to SIL, it sounds like your DD will be fine at your cousin's party. And well done for making a decision on the friend's party as well. It's perfectly acceptable to decline an invitation, what people hate is a no show.

I understand where you're coming from, though, I get very anxious about such things myself, saying no can be very hard.

I also understand about your MIL. My MIL was widowed not long after DH and I married, my FIL died in a car accident, so we've had to look out for her ever since (that was 14 years ago now).

Thank you very much for all your replies. We're turning down the friend. Have spoken to sil and explained how dd feels and she understands and dd won't be pushed to do anything she doesn't want to do. There's other options for those who don't want to take part and the singing bit is only part of the party.

^
So you are still making her go to the cousins party? Earlier you agreed she wouldnt be going to either.
Apologies if thats not the case, it just reads like you have only declined one invitation and that she will still be going to cousins. But you said one of the reasons she didnt want to go to cousins was because Dd gets very upset at the thought of going to these parties, particularly her cousins where she won't know any of the guests apart from her cousin.

midge my mother died three years ago and I have a lot of sympathy for your DH. He is possibly still suffering from the bereavement and desperately wants to take care of his mum. I was the same with my dad. I wanted to be perfect for him and make up for my mum not being there anymore. However, he needs to recognise that you and your DD need him too. If they are both struggling with the loss it may be helpful for them to look at support groups or counselling.

Obviously I don't know how old your mil is, so what would be appropriate, but it might be a case of your dh helping her find a new support network rather than just dumping her. If that makes sense. It does sound like a habit started for the right reasons, but a year later it is time to adjust a bit.

Dont force her, she will grow to hate them more. I have a child like this and the best way for us has been doing things her way, she accepts the quieter parties and we have built up from there.

I would not cancel in advance unless you can organise something for that weekend quickly, I would pull out the day before on sickness grounds if your MIL is difficult and you cant talk to her openly about the party.

Rearrange a tea party for the cousin and darling MIL can come to two parties instead of one which always goes down well.

You don't have to go every family party and shouldn't be expected to. But might be late to nip it in the bud now, hope for a better party next year.

Your views have opened my eyes a lot about my own people pleasing tendancies and I will be a lot more cautious about potentially passing them on to dd

Excellent op....sp glad you didn't take it as criticism.

It's taken me a few years, even as a confident adult, to really nail down assertiveness, but now I've cracked it, I'd love to see other people do it too.

Far too many.posts from women who feel obliged to please everyone, cant say no etc.

And if you are not happy having MIL every weekend....it really isn't selfish to say so.
It's normal and healthy to want time away from anyone, relative, partner, kids, friends....anyone.

Especially if they are bullies like your MIL sounds.

Good luck op.

Midge

I’m glad you’re realising your unhealthy family dynamic set up. Older adults don’t automatically get to tell younger adults what to do or how to behave. The same as adults don’t get to force children to do things.

The next step is to decide if you want your mil all the time. I definitely wouldn’t want her if she’s going to be unkind to my child.

Straycat

I hope that op is discussing the party with her dd. Not forcing.

BiglyBadgers, I know exactly what you mean. I remember saying that we had to make sure that his DM wasn't lonely when someone said that was how she would feel. I said to him, 'It can't be avoided, she's lost her husband, we can't fill that gap.' At the time he didn't get that, but I think he does now.

This kind of party would have been my nightmare as a child, cousins or not. I wasn't diagnosed as autistic until I was about 30 though....My mum used to get very cross about my reactions to noise/discos/fun fairs etc when I was a kid. It was very upsetting.

MIDGE Surely there is a middle ground where your MIL comes round but DH entertains her?

Why can't you go to your family one weekend soon? DH can stay with MIL? Or is it that he doesn't mind her coming because he is too busy working/cycling/watching football and all the work falls to you?