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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how I am expected to encourage walking if she won't walk?

190 replies

ChocolateTeddyintheMicrowave · 28/12/2017 12:48

DD is 2.6 and has a hip dysplasia in both hips. I've been told the condition doesn't cause physical delay, but she didn't meet any of her physical milestones on time, she's been reviewed by a physio and paediatrician who both cannot see any other reason for a physical delay after full body X-rays, MRI scans and a CT.

DD only started walking at the end of April, just 2 months shy of her 2nd Birthday. When she walks she walks well, but the majority of the time she flat out refuses to walk. We've been told to "encourage walking where we can by not carrying her and to punish her for crawling where she can walk". We've also been told the condition doesn't cause any ill effects in the child and she should not suffer pain or stiffness.

Until the snow and ice set in DD was doing well and had gone days using walking instead of crawling compared to hours, and we hardly needed to pick her up. But now the very cold weather has set in we're back to square one. She's been lying in bed since she woke up screaming because I won't carry her, I've tried bribery, putting the heating on and just plain ignoring her but I'm going to have to pick her up soon as I need to go to the bank and the chemist in town, so we'll need to get dressed. Nursery said yesterday she hardly walked at all and was crawling everywhere, they have said they WILL not punish her for crawling as they're worried it'll discourage her from moving at all.

She has a speech delay and is struggling to tell us the problem so it's a bit of guess work but this is the only reason I can see her for her sudden problems. When I asked her orthopedic consultant and paediatrician they both said even if she would not walk I was to walk away and leave her crying, and to put her in a timeout if she crawls instead of walks, they said to be consistent and she'll get it eventually. They've said it's a behaviour issue NOT a hip dysplasia problem.

But nothings working. I've tried ignoring and she's still in bed after being awake since 8.30, and the time outs don't work as she doesn't understand why she's in it as she her she's just getting around. When i told the consultant/paeds this they both just shrugged and told me she had to walk as they'll be advising me to ditch the stroller when she gets to 3 and she can't crawl around outside safely. I've changed orthopedic consultant twice now and all 3 have said the same Hmm apparently it's the hospitals policy. And the paediatrician is good in all other areas so I don't want to change him unless I have to.

So what can I do? AIBU to carry my child when she's obviously struggling? and to not punish for her crawling instead of walking. It seems cruel to leave her crying in bed when I can do something about it.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 28/12/2017 12:52

I think there is a difference between encouraging walking and not carrying her at all. Why couldn't you have picked her up this morning? She's still so little - does she have to walk everywhere even if there are no delays or issues, you would still be carrying her a fair bit as she's a toddler.

She's still in bed since this morning? Has she had anything to eat or drink? I hope to God she has.

Sirzy · 28/12/2017 12:54

I wouldn’t punish her. If it is behavioural then punishing won’t help.

Would physio provide a walking frame to help her feel stable when walking?

If you go to the park or somewhere will she walk around?

Soubriquet · 28/12/2017 12:55

Jeez I wouldn't punish her for crawling.

Poor kid must be so confused.

All you can do is try as much as possible to get her moving. Place a favourite toy just out of reach so she has to get up to get it.

Get a dolls pushchair and encourage her to push her baby about.

Pick her up when she wants it. Obviously not all the time but she's still little. I still pick up and carry my nearly 3 year old.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 28/12/2017 12:56

YANBU, I think the advice is really unkind and I agree with nursery. Surely any kind of movement is good as it will help get her fitter, stronger and more confident?

ChocolateTeddyintheMicrowave · 28/12/2017 12:57

She's had a drink yes, don't allow food in bed although she could smell it in the kitchen as we live in a flat.

She has a wooden truck walked but when she's bad she will pull herself up on it but not push it along. Physio has said DDs bones and muscles are strong enough for walking but there's something else causing her to not want to. She can walk unaided but doesn't often.

OP posts:
EatTheChocolateTeapot · 28/12/2017 12:58

Play kitchen also good to encourage standing, also agree with the puschair idea, my DCs love to play with that. Perhaps a little gym routine to music?

imsorryiasked · 28/12/2017 12:59

I wouldn't punish her for crawling but would try and treats her for walking.
To encourage her - does she have a toy dolls pram that she could push into town. Or any push along toys?

missmapp · 28/12/2017 13:00

I think inside she needs to be developing her confidence and independence by moving in whatever way she wants. Outside, I'd leave the stroller and then focus on walking .

imsorryiasked · 28/12/2017 13:00

Sorry took too long to post that Blush

ChocolateTeddyintheMicrowave · 28/12/2017 13:01

She has a toy kitchen which she loves sitting in so I'll try and encourage standing and walking with putting toys up higher on it, that's a great idea!

As I said she has a wooden truck and when she's ok she'll push it along but when she's not she ignores it/pulls herself up on it but doesn't push it.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 28/12/2017 13:01

How does she react if you hold one or both hands while she walks- like you would with a child who can't walk?

She sounds confused, to stay in bed that long suggests that she doesn't know what is expected of her rather than pure disobedience tbh. And I'm not one to 'give in' easily to children.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 28/12/2017 13:02

Get her out of bed and feed her. FFS. I don't often feel angry on these threads but that has made me feel so sad for your DD.

Encourage walking with positive reinforcement not punishment. The advice you got given was shit.

ChocolateTeddyintheMicrowave · 28/12/2017 13:05

If I hold her hand she sits on the floor, if I say "hold mummies hand and we'll walk" she shakes her head and says no.

I have told her to get out of bed, not to walk or anything just to get out of bed for breakfast and she's crying. Will carry her into the living room as she's not going to get up, she can have breakfast when she gets there.

OP posts:
Lowdoorinthewal1 · 28/12/2017 13:07

I don't think it's unusual is it to go through a phase at that age of refusing to walk and insisting on being carried? My friend has certainly just gone through a phase of that with her nearly 3yo and I'm fairly sure her older one did it too.

If 3 consultants have all said there is no physical reason for her not to walk I don't think looking for another doctor is the answer.

Have you looked at other behavioural strategies you could use? 123 Magic is often recommended. Portage might be able to help you with some strategies too.

Soubriquet · 28/12/2017 13:10

Poor girl..have you really left her in bed all this time without breakfast simply because you were told not to carry her?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 28/12/2017 13:10

Let today be the start of a new approach. When she wants carrying encourage her to walk. If she won't then pick her up and don't say anything negative about it. Whenever she does walk encourage and improve her confidence by praising her.

You can put toys just out of reach to encourage her to walk but NEVER do that with food. She is confused and frightened from the sounds of it. She still needs to eat and it shouldnt be a condition of walking.

ChocolateTeddyintheMicrowave · 28/12/2017 13:11

Soubriquet That's why I started this thread, I feel so awful, I know it's wrong but I don't like to ignore medical advice, and I've already been given some useful tips. I've carried her to the living room and she's playing on the floor while waiting for her food.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 28/12/2017 13:12

I would go for a no fuss approach, don’t make it a battle of wills

JamPasty · 28/12/2017 13:13

Could you try teaching her to sign so she can communicate better despite her speech delay? And maybe make a game of walking, eg by getting her to stand on your feet (facing forwards) and hold your hands while you walk about with her. Also find lots of interesting things she can do or see at a height she can only reach if she is standing.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 28/12/2017 13:14

I think you've taken the advice too far. I'm pretty sure doctors wouldn't tell you not to pick up or cuddle or child EVER. That would be ridiculous. And do you think they would want you to leave your toddler in bed without any food?

You need to start using common sense and your instincts. Have you gone and got her yet?

Soubriquet · 28/12/2017 13:14

Must be awful for you too. I do sympathise but sometimes I think common sense needs to prevail.

Use your instincts. She WILL walk when she's finally ready to. If this means she crawls for a while longer so be it.

If there is no real reason why she can't do it, then leave her to it. She will surprise you one day

ShowMePotatoSalad · 28/12/2017 13:15

Sorry just read your last bit. Glad she is up. Go for the positive approach with her. Not the negative. She's so little still, always keep that in mind.

ChocolateTeddyintheMicrowave · 28/12/2017 13:17

She's eating her lunch I make sandwiches up the night before so she just has to be given it with a yogurt, babybel and fruit.

Will definitely try some of these techniques. I was just given the advice but not tips on how to encourage her so thank you, I'm a FTM so it's all new to me.

Nursery are teaching her sign language and she knows quite a bit (they've helped me/DH to learn too) but it's slow progress.

OP posts:
LieInRequired · 28/12/2017 13:18

DD2 had hip dysplasia in one hip. She started walking before she was 2 but still often wanted to be carried. She is now 5 and still sometimes asks to be carried. Up until about 1 year ago she would take about 10 steps and then say her tummy hurt. Her physio did a lot of checks but could not work out what was hurting or why. The physio did tell me that children of that age are rarely able to consistently pretend to be in pain (if it is made up they tend to change where the pain is).

I was never told not to carry DD. There was more concern about the potential damage being done to my back by carrying her! I just claim she is my alternative to going to the gym.

The best thing I did for DD was taking her to gymnastics and swimming lessons. The gymnastics coaches were really encouraging to her, they would put out lots of toys that would encourage her to stand to play with them. DD adores her swimming teacher and has never complained of any pain in water. Could you try anything similar with your DD?

Knittedfairies · 28/12/2017 13:21

This will become a battleground if you are not careful, and everyone will be thoroughly miserable - and late for everything if it is dependent on your daughter walking! Please don't go down the punishment-for-crawling road; you've been given good advice to put things slightly out of reach/higher to encourage her. Reward and praise the walking, ignore the crawling.