To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

[inabizzlefam]

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

Yanbu at all. You have no idea how your health will be in a few years time, and your retirement is yours to enjoy how you like. It sounds like your DC are laying the groundwork now so that they can guilt you into it later. I would state now in no uncertain terms that you will not be able to provide regular childcare, but rather bits here and there when you are able to. Otherwise you may well get the "oh but we assumed you'd love to do it!"

I look after my grandson 2 consecutive days a week, a total of 24 hours. By the time i wave goodbye on the second day, i am on my knees with knackerdness 😆
We babysit a couple of nights a month, he stays overnight. I honestly could not do more and made it clear that were there to be a second child, not to look to us for childcare. Sounds awful, i know, but in addition to childcare, i have an elderly father and MiL to run around after, as well as my own life to lead.

I LOVE having my 2year old GS, but will not be totally distraught when he starts school 😉

Don't know how I missed your 3rd post the first time around but HELL no!
Tell her straight up that she'd better have some arrangements in place because you will NOT be doing this every weekday for the foreseeable!

Bloody cheek.

I lived in a squat for the first year after leaving an abusive home, then cleaned shit covered toilets in an all male warehouse, in order to have somewhere to live. I fought and crawled my way to owning a home. My adult kids, nephews and nieces have the latest gadgets, phones, nice clothes, dine out and foreign holidays, then whine about not being able to afford a house. Cry me a river.

The plural of anecdote isn't data. We bought our first house 45 years ago for 15,000 - the house we have now, similar size, is worth over 500,000. And our children, who have good jobs, are struggling. Hell yes, we'll help them.

Why does this generation automatically assume that they can have a baby then bugger off back to work leaving the grandparents doing the same childrearing they've already done?

This needs correcting to "why do my adult offspring automatically assume..." because I don't know anyone who assumes this. Whatever their age.

Do you not have conversations in your house? Surely, for you to know it's their assumption, they must have articulated it as such. Why have you not said "no" already?

Can;t believe I'm going to get roped (guilt tripped) into this.
I barely get enough sleep as it is with my arthritis, so can't wait for less!

Oh FFS. If you martyr yourself then you deserve everything you get, quite frankly.

Definitely not being unreasonable, my in laws offered at least one day a week (I only returned to work 2.5 days after DD) but we said no and accepted 1/2 day when I can work from home. It means that they aren't tied down if they want to go on holiday and we don't feel like we're taking the piss. Childcare is expensive and we've had to make sacrifices to have children but that's just the way it is until they get to school age.

Absolutely, I might consider one or (at a push) two days a week, but I'm absolutely not giving my life over to it.

If you have the time there's no better way of spending than time with your grandchild and helping your children

Presumably aimed at grandmothers rather than grandfathers as well.... No biological reason whatsoever for a carer to have to be female but I would bet my bottom dollar that retired men do not get pressure from every tom dick and harry on an internet forum to care for their grandchildren. It never ends I guess.

charlestonchaplin

Your post is downright offensive.

My SIL expected her mum to help her with childcare, the look on her face when she was told otherwise was priceless.

My MIL said to her, you wanted a baby, you look after it.

Funds allowing I would rather contribute to the cost of childcare tbh.

We had family for childcare and it was the most stressful time of my life.

My Dad had my DS1 when he was small wherethevioletsgrow. Only for one day a week but they were great together and still have a close bond, DDad tutored him for his GCSE maths which he wouldn't have got through without extra help.

I agree there are some nasty posts on here.

I would give my life for my DC. I just don't want to do it every day!

I don't have any DGC yet but I will be delighted if I do, and will want to be part of their lives, spoil them, of course be there if needed, but an unpaid childminder, no thanks! Looking after young children is exhausting and, having just retired at 58, I see this as my time to travel, read, study, pursue hobbies, and spend a lot of time with my adult DC going to the theatre etc. I don't want to turn down lunch invitations with friends or be unable to book a holiday bargain at short notice because I have committed to childcare on set days. I have already been left with the family pets after the DC left home and that is quite enough. I love them and they will have a home for life, but I am done with caring responsibilities, and will not be getting any more pets (except maybe a cat).

What is the saying, something about DGC being the reward for not killing your own DC (in jest of course, but I want the nice bits next time round, not the everyday drudgery).

Of course I might change my mind if DGC arrive, but I doubt it.

And for the pp who said why wouldn't you do it if you are healthy and not working, I say get a life. Otherwise, you will end up as one of the unappreciated DGPs being complained about on here by their DILs because you are over invested and interfering in their lives and not following their orders to the letter when carrying out your unpaid child care. Then other posters will come on and say how disgraceful, go no contact and withdraw grand-parenting privileges. And you will be left with a broken heart and no friends or interests because you sacrificed your 'golden years' to someone who didn't appreciate it.

Are house prices really so much higher in real terms? My first house cost £44,000, but my first salary (graduate job in central London) was £4500.

The plural of anecdote isn't data Where exactly did I suggest that my anecdote IS data? Ironic that you then go on to give your own anecdote. Good for you being able to buy an expensive house. I assume you'll be giving up your job to look after your grandkids? Bty, their jobs can't be that marvellous, if they still can't get on the housing market, without the bank of mum and dad.

Well said shard.
I do wonder if grandparents do this because they have nothing else in their lives. No interests, friends, aspirations. A life outside their family.

They are presuming and you must set them straight. Your level of involvement is your choice, not something to be dictated by them.

I never asked my parents ( or in laws) for regular childcare. They will have them for a week in the school summer holidays ( which I am eternally greatful for) but it is never guaranteed and it is always on their terms. I pay for childminders/ holiday clubs if I ( or my husband) cannot take leave. For me it means they see time with the grandchildren as fun not a chore. Plus when sil has her daughter there was no competition for who needed their time more...

We lived in that house with no central heating for five years and my parents' garden chairs for living room furniture for the first 18 months. I didn't have a working cooker for the first year, just a hob and a microwave. The young don't seem prepared to do that now.

Jesus, just tell them that then. No need for the theatrics

MEGA LOL at ‘this generation buggers off back to work after having a baby’. Huge laughs at that OP. Just had a baby myself and I’d love to have the option of not ‘buggering off back to work’ but the rising cost of living means that for most people and families they need two incomes (or 1.5 in our case) to get by. And before you say it, no we don’t have fancy holidays, the latest gadgets, expensive clothes. We also bought a house already and we have never eaten avocado in our lives, life is just expensive and I would like to feed the child I gave birth to.

You do not have to provide free childcare to your kids, absolutley not, your retirement is for your enjoyment. But if you think that ‘this generation’ goes back to work for shits and giggles after having kids then you need to have a re think.

Fine if you don’t want to.
Both sets of grandparents looked after me daily so my mum could work. For free. Every day. Then I watched my younger brother every day outside of school once old enough.
My mum is not interested whatsoever in providing any help with the children. She’s youngish, in good health, finished work by midday but still has a much harder life than everyone else.
Her attitude has not encouraged a good relationship with me or the children.

I can’t wait look after my grandchildren (assuming I’m retired and in good health). I have had quite a lot of help from my mum and dad, and it has made a big difference to my parenting experience, so I’d like to send that positive vibe forward to the next generation. I wouldn’t want to do it full time though.