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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

383 replies

inabizzlefam · 28/12/2017 00:31

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

OP posts:
Karlakitten1 · 28/12/2017 07:01

Bugger off back to work?! What a lovely parent you are...so understanding! Once you have a mortgage and so on, you often can't afford to not go back to work. Things weren't so expensive in your day, and it was assumed that you would stay at home with the kids. I would love to do that, but unfotunately can't afford to. So my DM looks after our DD one day a week to save us a bit...and would do more if we were closer. This is such a big help and she loves the time with her GD!! My in laws would do exactly the same too. We wouldn't expect and also didn't ask, but the help was offered. Maybe you could just help out a bit, as childcare does leave most people strapped for cash/with not much leeway for a few years.

Angelicinnocent · 28/12/2017 07:02

Never expected my DM or MIL to provide childcare and used a nursery when I went back to work 3 days a week. However, MIL wasn't working and was happy to provide "sick" cover when they couldn't go and continued to do so up to them being 11.

Honestly, that was the biggest help as I didn't have to panic about time off work for every bug, cold etc and she said it was nice to feel helpful without a huge expectation of her giving up set days every week.

MumsGoneToIceland · 28/12/2017 07:02

YANBU . My parents told me from before I was even married that they would not be a childcare provider for future grand children ( not that I expected them to be). On other hand, my PIL wanted to provide childcare and offered when I became pregnant and I politely declined as I wanted them to be able to have a traditional grandparent-grandchild relationship. I think when you are in loco-parentis and have to be the disciplinarian, the relationship is inevitably different.

Plus I totally agree that once you finish working, that’s your time to do with as you want, part of which will likely be spending time with the grandparents. My children have been very lucky in that both sets of grandparents ask to have them for a few days/week each in the summer holidays which is lovely because it nicely breaks up what can be a long holiday for them and gives them special time with their gp’s. It doesn’t benefit me financially as I still have to pay my child minder in the holidays for their normal days but I don’t mind as it’s a great experience for the dc. If they used after school/holiday clubs though, having the dgc for some time in the holidays would help out your children financially but still be exactly on your terms and not tie you to regular commitments so is a win-win for both.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/12/2017 07:05

YANBU. They shouldn't expect anything of the kind. They can ask, they can pay you, they can see if you'd maybe like to do one day a week, but they absolutely should not EXPECT you to care for their DC full time so they can work.

I expect that, when it comes to it, you will probably offer to help them out a bit; just so long as they don't expect you to.

falange · 28/12/2017 07:15

I'd love to be able to do this but can't because I have to work full time. But I'd do it because I want to. Not because it would be expected. I know now that the years when children are little fly by and wish I hadn't worked when mine were little. I'd have liked to have those years again with a grandchild. Worth pointing out both of my children in their 20's are on the housing ladder (without any help from me) as are all of their friends.

Aturkeyisnotjustforchristmas · 28/12/2017 07:17

It’s entirely up to you, your life your choice.

lanbro · 28/12/2017 07:24

Would you really not help at all?? My dps in my ils have always helped us out, not because we've expected it but because they enjoy spending time with their gcs. I will do it for my dc when the time comes...

llangennith · 28/12/2017 07:27

Your choice OP but I enjoy looking after my grandchildren. I love the close relationship I have with them especially DGS2 who I look after a lot.
Maybe you didn’t enjoy your own DC when they were kids?

TheLuminaries · 28/12/2017 07:35

OP, you sound seething with resentment towards your children, which is sad. Were you a SAHM and do you feel you have missed out on life chances by having them?

I would love to help my DC progress their careers, if I were in a position to help. Rather than 'don't even think about it', my position would be 'let's discuss it'. But I know my DC respect and understand my career as well, so they have never seen me as an unpaid drudge, so perhaps that puts a different spin on it?

malificent7 · 28/12/2017 07:38

I think grandparents who never eant to do ANY childcare at all a bit stingy. Makes me feel that perhaps people dont actually enjoy children or family that much ( dont blame them tbh)

Full time childcare...definately not but if you cant evem help in an emergency you are a bit odd and mean.

Some grandparents i know actually adore their grandchildren and want to spend time with them to the extent of taking them on holiday for a week.

Others like my dad adores dd and will do the occasional , much apprechiated favour.

No help at all? ?? Why should your kids look after you in old age???

Littlepond · 28/12/2017 07:42

My kids are still young so maybe I'll change my mind. But I had kids for life, not just til they are 18 then tell them they are on their own. So yeh, I'll do what I can to help my children when they are 18, 28, 38. And if that involves looking after their kids so they can go back to work and afford to live, then yes, I think that comes under the remit of parenting still. I don't understand people who parent until 18 then once their kids are adults, they are on their own...

PinkietheElf · 28/12/2017 07:44

I had no help with DCs as we were always miles from any relatives. So felt I would help when I had DGCs.

However, again I am not near.
My DSis looks after her DGC 2 days a week, despite not working, having no particular hobbies ie 'nothing else to do'. That seems about right to me.

Allthetuppences · 28/12/2017 07:47

In RL I know noone who gets childcare from GP. I realise it is supposed to be on the rise, but still very unusual. Particularly as a lot of people live nowhere near their parents!

SimplyNigella · 28/12/2017 07:47

January! It’s very late for them not to have made arrangements so you need to make it very clear NOW that you aren’t doing it.

I’m with you on it being a bit off to assume grandparents will be offering childcare for free, but your comments about them shock horror, look after them themselves is not on. Many people can’t afford not to work and may be returning to work to pay the bills rather than just ‘pursue their career’.

Wallywobbles · 28/12/2017 07:48

The odd evening/weekend no problem. Emergency childcare fine if we can. The rest just no.

PositivelyPERF · 28/12/2017 07:50

Wow! There are some really manipulative posters here! All that bullshit about not liking being parents! Catch a fucking grip! If you love being parents so much, shouldn't you be sacrificing your careers in order to look after your own kids? Before you start bleating on about HAVING to work, other parents live on very tight budgets in order to look after their own kids. Does that mean they love their kids more than you love yours? I've rarely heard such manipulative bullshit in my life.

Firefries · 28/12/2017 07:52

I didn't expect any help with my kids and I never got it. The sad thing was long before ever having kids my PIL stated this same comment as OP (they'd never do childcare) and the thing is it never crossed my mind that I'd even ask them. Ever. What was sad too was it showed me how rude they actually were to assume Id ask, want or try and get any help from them. Truth is we all need some help at some point though. It taught me that Id want to help out with my grandchildren one day. What a privilege if I'm still alive and healthy to see them grow up. I don't want to take anything for granted.

And what resulted in the end was the above mentioned PIL did substantially help out with the other grandchildren from their other kids. Says a lot doesn't it. I don't want to be like that. Nope.

Rarotonga · 28/12/2017 07:53

I don't think it is fair to assume that grandparents will step in for childcare, or feel entitled to this in any way. An acquaintance recently told me that she wasn't speaking to her mum because she isn't helping out enough when she goes back to work (currently on maternity leave) and I was aghast, she's offered to take care of the baby two days per week but apparently that isn't enough.

My mum has offered to look after my ds when I return to work in the new year, but I've arranged a childminder as I want her to retire properly and take some time to relax and enjoy life after an extremely busy and stressful work life. I have said I'd rather she comes to visit on a day I'm not working (or vice versa) so we can do nice things together.

wherethevioletsgrow · 28/12/2017 07:53

I don't get why you say in your OP when my children are married and have DC and then drop in that one of them is married, has had DC and is expecting you to look after them as of next week. What is the actual story?

malificent7 · 28/12/2017 07:54

Not entirely relevant . I admire grandoarents who managed to get on the housing ladder by being a cleaner but i cant get on the ladder as a teacher and a deposit due to Zero hour contracts. Ladder up!!( i also clean and do care work to stay afloat)

Jacobsbread · 28/12/2017 07:55

Yanbu my dad is the same. Will happily babysit but not overly often. He sometimes takes the kids for a few days but what he won't do is regular childcare on set days. He likes his freedom. I agree with him.

AreWeDoingThisNow · 28/12/2017 07:56

MIL wanted to have my DD 2 days a week, we discussed it and planned nursery around it. After a term it turns out it's a bit much (she works the other 3 and FIL is self-employed and constantly asking her to chip in), so we're going to down to 1 from Jan.

We talked about it in advance like rational grown ups.

Good luck to OPs DD (if she is real) finding a FT nursery place by next week.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/12/2017 07:56

People who have young dc and saying they will mind gc full time are not aware that their energy levels wont be the same by 60. I see gps everyday picking up gc from my class and l think that is ideal as only a few hours. My biggest problem would be not being able to take a break or suddenly do something l would like to do. So lm prepared to do after school some days or maybe one day full time and definitely cover sick day and night baby sitting. But no to full time. And no to dils laying down loads of rules to me or complaining.
As for young people not affording chidcare l would first ask:
Are they going on fancy holidays?
Is their house beautifully furnished?
Have they got expensive cars, clothes, bags etc?
We sacrificed all those to get on housing ladder but l am amazed at younger people and the style they expect while complaining gps wont babysit.

Believeitornot · 28/12/2017 07:58

Why does this generation automatically assume that they can have a baby then bugger off back to work leaving the grandparents doing the same childrearing they've already done?

Awful “us versus them” attitude. No wonder your dcs think that way. You’re making sweeping generalisations.

Believeitornot · 28/12/2017 07:59

We sacrificed all those to get on housing ladder but l am amazed at younger people and the style they expect while complaining gps wont babysit

House prices are nothing like they were in “your” day. Same for the cost of living generally!