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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

383 replies

inabizzlefam · 28/12/2017 00:31

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 28/12/2017 08:37

One of DW's cousins had two DDs with this attitude. She - and her DH until he died - wore themselves to frazzles looking after their GCs. When they were just not available the DDs put the tap on their ILs (in one case - in the other they are abroad) and other relations including DW and me. The children were and are lovely and we were happy to help when we could but we were aware that we were being used.

Then after a year's widowhood the cousin found herself a partner, a widower, and they decided to have some life together and her DDs have had to cope. Well done her.

wherethevioletsgrow · 28/12/2017 08:38

My Dad had my DS1 when he was small wherethevioletsgrow. Only for one day a week but they were great together and still have a close bond, DDad tutored him for his GCSE maths which he wouldn't have got through without extra help

Oh of course grandfathers do provide childcare tips. I was pointing out the fact that it is always the woman who is expected to do it and has helpful strangers telling her that if she has time, there is no better way to spend it (can think about 6 million better ways off the top of my head). Just as there are great SAHDs but men are never expected to be SAHDs in the same way as women are.

maddening · 28/12/2017 08:40

As long as you aren't asking for help from them in your old age beyond the occasional visit and trip to Asda then all is cool 😎

SnowGlitter · 28/12/2017 08:41

Are house prices really so much higher in real terms?

My parents bought their first house in 1980 in a nice area for about £27,000. My dad earnt about 9k and my mum didn't work.

The same house is now 'worth' 240k and the most recent people to move in are couples where both are solicitors or doctors.

And people now need deposits in the ££,£££ bracket.

So yes, they are more expensive in real terms.

Tipsntoes · 28/12/2017 08:41

It is true that whenever Dad took DS out, he'd get women falling over themselves to help him e.g. in cafes and telling him how brilliant he was Hmm

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 28/12/2017 08:43

just a quick note, in anticipation of the Daily Hate link - The Daily Mail are a shower of cunts.
As you were.

TatianaLarina · 28/12/2017 08:44

life is just expensive

People always say this and it’s true that property prices have snowballed. But my generation have much higher lifestyle expectations than my parents’ generation back in the 70s. Partly because they didn’t have the easy credit we expect now. Partly because many, including mine remembered the war and post-war rationing and grew up with that kind of austerity.

Back in those days my mum made a lot of our clothes, a lot came from charity shops and hand me downs, we had one old telly, two telephones and a ‘hifi’ that came from my uncle. A car was bought to last for years until it fell apart.

The kind of gadgets and tech kit that everyone expects these days was
unimaginable then. My parents didn’t drink much as it was expensive, rarely ate out and if we went on a foreign holiday we did a house swap and camped all the way there and back.

We weren’t poor - just a typical middle class family.

sparklytrees · 28/12/2017 08:44

My mum offered to do a day a week when I told her I was pregnant. She's done the same for my siblings. There's no entitlement here, just grateful for the offer. She also babysits 5/6 Times a year. She said I'd she's free when we ask then she'll do it. I've told her to say no at any time, there's no problem if she doesn't want to. My parents look forward to seeing DS every week and miss him if we're off work. He loves going there.

My friend looks after her DGC a day a week and babysits, says it's a privilege to be so involved in their lives and she loves doing it.

TatianaLarina · 28/12/2017 08:45

I agree with the OP, too many people expect childcare from GPs as a given. I think GPs have done their child rearing phase and they should be onto the third age.

PositivelyPERF · 28/12/2017 08:45

As long as you aren't asking for help from them in your old age beyond the occasional visit and trip to Asda then all is cool

Right enough, it's not as they spent 18plus years raring you. So long as you don't have a problem with them spending your inheritance on help and taxis, then all is cool. 😎

Loonoonow · 28/12/2017 08:47

YWBU to say 'don't even think about it', that sounds confrontational. YWNBU to ask what her childcare plans are and make it clear that you won't be available.

For the record my DMs first words on hearing I was pregnant were 'don't think I will be available for non-stop baby-sitting'. What actually happened was that as soon as DC was born she was constantly urging us to go out and pushing me to return to work so she could spend time alone with her GC. This reached a head when DH was exploring the possibility of taking a two year secondment to the US and we were musing about how it could work. DM seriously suggested that DH and I relocated to the US and the DC could stay in the UK with her for the duration. My incredulous burst of laughter at this suggestion said more than words ever could.

TatianaLarina · 28/12/2017 08:49

As long as you aren't asking for help from them in your old age beyond the occasional visit and trip to Asda then all is cool

No, looking after parents in old age is not conditional on their performing childcare beyond their dues.

You look after them because they raised you. Unless you’re an arsehole, obviously.

PositivelyPERF · 28/12/2017 08:49

just a quick note, in anticipation of the Daily Hate link - The Daily Mail are a shower of cunts.
As you were

That's not fair, DrRan.

They don't have the depth or warmth of a cunt.

TheMathsTrainee · 28/12/2017 08:49

YABU

Do you expect them to look after you in old age? Do you have a choice in aging?

PrimalLass · 28/12/2017 08:49

OP, YABU purely because you've come here, ranted, given not nearly enough detail, then buggered off again. How can your DD be going back to work in a few weeks and you've never had the childcare discussion?

TatianaLarina · 28/12/2017 08:51

So long as you don't have a problem with them spending your inheritance on help and taxis, then all is cool.

Good point. Care has to come from somewhere and it can be very expensive.

Steeley113 · 28/12/2017 08:52

I suppose it depends on what kind of family you have I guess. My mum wants to look after my children. She loves it so much she often asks to have them extra. I asked her when I was planning on going back to work if she could help, she told me what she could do and I arranged the rest with paid childcare. She is truly an amazing, kind and loving woman who adores kids! My MIL does just emergencies and would rather have our dog then the kids Grin

When my Mum can no longer look after herself, she knows I’ll be there. Families should look after each other, that’s the whole point of having one! They are a support network.

WorldWideWanderer · 28/12/2017 08:52

No parent should feel obliged to look after their children's children. It isn't a right nor an appropriate expectation.
Some parents love it because they love little kids, liked being parents themselves and are happy to continue for the grandchildren because it keeps them involved and around young people.
Others feel they have done their parenting years and have earned a well-deserved rest in their older years. Both are right....your life, your choice.

I fall into the latter category myself. I have always made it quite clear to my children that their lives/marriages/children are entirely their own affair when they are grown up. I threw my heart into motherhood when they were young and even gave up having holidays, work, career progression etc. for them. I did my very best in my circumstances. But now they are grown up, they fashion their lives themselves, regardless of jobs, availability of property or the price of housing (I rented many years anyway - what's wrong with that?) I do not think the argument of "getting onto the housing ladder" is relevent.

I have my own life to lead and not a lot of it left; plus a few things I want to achieve which I could never do when I had the DCs. I do not intend to saddle myself with their kids..... Supportive, yes, even the odd babysit and Christmas etc., but no, I am not free childcare (or even paid childcare), that's entitled....

gamerwidow · 28/12/2017 08:53

Yanbu it’s a massive commitment to provide childcare like that and not one you should be under any obligation to provide. My mum does not provide childcare other than for emergency cover or the occasional sleepover she is still a great mother and grandparent.
It’s a part of being a parent’s role to make sacrifices to raise their children to adulthood but not to give up your whole life to ease their passage through life.

WorldWideWanderer · 28/12/2017 08:53

I might add, nor do I expect them to look after me in old age either....

TatianaLarina · 28/12/2017 08:54

Good for you WorldWideWanderer

mummyretired · 28/12/2017 08:56

I provide occasional cover for DGC, as my parents did for me. However, I spend at least as much time with elderly relatives. Are the parents who expect grandparents to provide child care equally prepared to offer elder care?

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 08:56

Just say NO.

An arrangement like this only works of both parties are happy about it and it works with both of them.
If you are knackered and in pain, you won’t want to also be looking after a baby.
And I would expect your dd to actually be aware about that as well as your limitations (with arthritis, getting from the floor for example or going up to straits will be hard).

TatianaLarina · 28/12/2017 08:57

^that was in response you previous longer post not your 08.53 post.

I have very strong expectations of looking after my parents. I already am. I was also very clear that they are not obliged to provide childcare and they’ve done their bit. I want them to be able to choose to do fun things with my kids if/when they want rather than having to care for them which is a) a massive chore and b) not their responsibility.

abbsisspartacus · 28/12/2017 08:57

I think i will help my children should they ever have kids even if its just providing emergency childcare for sickness etc my mom never helped me and its meant i couldnt really work so i ended up on benefits now im trying to get back into work its hard as ive had so much time out she had loads of help and support when we were young from her sister's to her in laws and parents she just wont help