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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

383 replies

inabizzlefam · 28/12/2017 00:31

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

OP posts:
RestingGrinchFace · 28/12/2017 03:12

I find it odd that grandparents, who are in good health, have no other responsibilities etc. Wouldn't provide full time childcare. My father was horrified by the idea that I might put my children in a nursery. I just do see why, if you have the time, you would want to spend it any other way. But it is ultimately your choice. Their expectation is a pretty reasonable default. If you don't want to help me hem then you should let them know now so they have the chance to plan ahead. Hopefully their in laws will be more family orientated.

Lollipop30 · 28/12/2017 03:40

That's called having children don’t be such a martyr about it. If more families helped each other out we’d have less people reliant on state help/care.
I can’t understand people not wanting to help their children/grandchildren any more than I can understand people who justify living off the state because they’ve ‘already worked and done their bit’, for me it seems the same thing.

MrsDilber · 28/12/2017 03:47

Yanbu. I agree with you. Babysitting every now and then or if they're stuck, is about as much as I'd do.

Lucylululu · 28/12/2017 03:51

Here we go again, making sweeping generalizations about "this generation" and what they "expect". Why is it agest when a young person criticises an older person, but older people can constantly complain and be bitter and hateful about the younger generation and its fine? Daily Mail reader by any chance?

Penners99 · 28/12/2017 04:10

My eldest TOLD me that I was her childminder when she went back to work. I moved house!

charlestonchaplin · 28/12/2017 04:16

RestingGrinchFace
I find it odd that grandparents, who are in good health, have no other responsibilities etc. Wouldn't provide full time childcare. My father was horrified by the idea that I might put my children in a nursery. I just do see why, if you have the time, you would want to spend it any other way.

See, I don't understand why people have children that they don't want to bring up themselves. Then again, many are careless with their fertility, are sheep-like in their devotion to copying others or regard children as accessories to reflect their glory, so I probably shouldn't be surprised.

BattleCunt · 28/12/2017 04:23

Cheeky sods!!

mathanxiety · 28/12/2017 05:04

What a thoughtless post, Charlestonchaplin.

People have jobs you know.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/12/2017 05:09

I find it odd that grandparents, who are in good health, have no other responsibilities etc. Wouldn't provide full time childcare.

To be realistic, though most grandparents are going to be working until they are 70, then they are unlikely to be in the sort of good health that you really need to be in to chase toddlers around. So it is more odd that parents would be expecting their own parents to provide childcare since the chances are those grandparents won't be without responsibilities or in good health. Also, while some people really enjoy looking after children full-time, there are plenty of (more?) parents who really don't enjoy that aspect of family life, so that would be another big reason why they wouldn't want to do it for their grandchildren.

OP YANBAtAllU to not do it. For your DD's and your DG's sake, you really should be upfront with her about not wanting to do it. If you do it and you're resentful, that isn't going to be good for your DG and if your DD is expecting you to do it and you aren't, she needs to know ASAP so she can make other arrangements.

harrypotternerd · 28/12/2017 05:14

Before I met my DP and before my DDad got sick and passed away I was a single mum working fulltime, kids went to childcare but if the kids were sick (bit of a runny nose, fever etc) my dad would look after them for me so I could still work but I never expected him to do all the childcare, he also had them overnight once every few months and once a fortnight would take them for a few hours on a friday or saturday nigh to give me a break because DC biological father wasn't in the picture. I never asked him to do this, he offered.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 28/12/2017 05:27

Well I flatly refused to give up my 2 days off a week to childcare my DGD, I needed the time for me and my hobbies/friends/housework/life etc. This was seriously frowned upon at first, but I didn’t budge. Now I have an amazing relationship with DGC as I can spoil them when we see them and have fun times, the other GP do lots of childcare, give up nearly all their free time and annual leave and I think are taken totally for granted. If plans ever need to be changed due to illness or they dare to want a day off they are moaned about and we are the hero’s for occasionally stepping in.

RefuseTheLies · 28/12/2017 05:30

I barely survived the baby stage with my own DD, and the toddler years are also proving to be challenging. We’re only having one child as a result so I’m buggered if I’m doing this again, probably in my 70s, for my DD if she has kids

Mustang27 · 28/12/2017 06:14

Just say no op!!! If you have an illness that causes you stress and will flare up likely due to extra work load just explain that to daughter and quickly. So she can get something sorted. I don't have my parents to rely on and nor does my partner either. His mum is retired but she is a 2hr round journey from us so even a days care is hard for her. It's a shame they are just expecting it rather as sitting to discuss like adults. So that you can come up with something that works for you all if you thought you could help it maybe only in an afternoon or two.

I feel for you because you are going to get the bad grandparent guilt trip.

MuseumOfCurry · 28/12/2017 06:23

Have you said something like, 'dear girl, I have no intention of looking after XX when you return to work' when she mentions it?

You're not at all unreasonable. My children's grandparents have looked after them as they wish, really, and not very much during the baby/toddler years.

Jerseysilkvelour · 28/12/2017 06:28

I have a 5 yr old and I am amazed by that people seem to think it's fine to use their own parents as an alternative to a nursery or childminder. It's not about paying it forward or helping out the next generation etc etc. You're not obligated to help your children however they see fit just because they fancy keeping up with their lifestyle, and I've no idea why anyone thinks that because your mother helped you, your children are entitled to your help.

Give them a bill!

ButchyRestingFace · 28/12/2017 06:35

DD is a teacher and keeps dropping hints about what time she@ll be dropping DCs off when she goes back to work in January.

So why don’t you put her straight???

You’re saying that your daughter is returning to work in what, a few days (?), and you haven’t told her that her presumption you’ll provide childcare is misplaced? Shock

Why on earth not?

AtlanticWaves · 28/12/2017 06:36

My DM saw how my aunts were run ragged looking after my (much older) cousins' DC and told me she wouldn't do it - from when I was a very young age. So I never ever expected it.

Circumstances change and my parents have looked after my D.C. FT for nearly 5 years now (but are stopping now). However 1) they offered 2) we paid them for their time. Worked brilliantly and they are thrilled with the relationship they have but don't feel taken advantage of because they were paid (and it was legal so we also paid all the extra charges so they'll get pension from it).

Only downside is we never ask them for babysitting cos they already do so much.

QueenAmongstMen · 28/12/2017 06:39

At least they've asked you about it (of sorts)......

......it's the people who have children knowing they won't be able to afford childcare, but have them anyway because they assume their parents will look after it without even involving the grandparents in the TTC discussion that get me....

Yes my lovely sister, I'm looking at you....

My sister used my mom one day a week to look after her son to avoid paying for an extra day in childcare. My mom however was still working at the time so had to compress her FT working hours into four days to get the 5th day off. She had my sisters little boy for about 10 hours on the day she minded him which started when he was 6 months old. My sister was not in a good financial state when she fell pregnant and we all thought "How the hell is she going to afford it?!" so my mom offered to compress her hours and proved a day childcare to help my sister out.

When my sister's son was 2 years old she announced to us she was pregnant again!! The first thing my mom said was, "Well don't go thinking I'm looking after it for you!" My sister then had the cheek to start moaning to me about the fact our mom had said that and that if she and the children ended up starving because they couldn't afford to eat it would be our mom's fault. I told her actually it would be her own fault for having children she knows she can't afford childcare for.

However, despite having said she wouldn't, my mom had no choice but to look after the baby on the same day she had her grandson because she knew my sister just simply couldn't afford the childcare costs.

So for 5 years my mom had to work 40 hours in 4 days and then look after her grandchildren on the 5th day and she was exhausted all the time.

On that 5th year when the grandson was in school and the granddaughter was about 3 my mom told my sister that she couldn't manage it anymore because it was making her too tired having to do it sleep ngsife FT working and that my sister would have to find alternative childcare.

Was my sister grateful for the 5 years worth of some free childcare or mother provided or did she just come moaning to me about the mess our mom had put her in? I'm sure you can guess.....

Dancinggoat · 28/12/2017 06:39

Why wouldn't you want to help your family ? If you have the time there's no better way of spending than time with your grandchild and helping your children.

blueskyinmarch · 28/12/2017 06:41

How has this poster gone from 'when' her DC marry and have children to her DD has a child and is going back to work soon? Seems a bit fishy to me.

CaoNiMa · 28/12/2017 06:42

This is soooooo going to be in the Daily Mail.

ButchyRestingFace · 28/12/2017 06:46

This is soooooo going to be in the Daily Mail.

Can’t be the invention of one of the Daily Mail’s 12-year-old “journos” though.

This OP can at least spell and use proper punctuation.

HRTpatch · 28/12/2017 06:48

I've just retired at 58.
I am fit and healthy. And there is no way I would look after any grandchildren. My dcs are both at university and know this. It is not my responsibility.
I left a miserable marriage 4 years ago and am about to start a new exciting adventure.
Looking after small needy children is not part of that.

PositivelyPERF · 28/12/2017 06:49

So all you people that say you think it's awful for grandparents to be unwilling to provide free care, will look after your future grandchildren, when your kids go to work? You are going to give up your jobs and careers, are you? You're going to then spend the rest of your lives providing free daycare so your kids can have careers, which 'naturally' they will give up in their 40/50s to provide care for 'their' grandkids? What exactly are your parents, then you, going to live off? The state? You say that you need to work, which is fair enough, so do you reckon you'll no longer need to work in your 40/50s?

elfies · 28/12/2017 07:01

Not derailing the subject , but folks nowadays having bigger mortgages ?
Anyone else remember cheaper houses but an interest rate of 15%

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