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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

383 replies

inabizzlefam · 28/12/2017 00:31

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

OP posts:
pallisers · 28/12/2017 01:20

how old are they?

If they are 24 and getting married you might want to have a conversation right now to set things straight.

If they are 12 you might want to delve into why this is a big concern of theirs?

If they are 6 then you might want to accept that they plan on marrying you so of course you will be rearing the children.

Original poster
inabizzlefam · 28/12/2017 01:24

DD is a teacher and keeps dropping hints about what time she@ll be dropping DCs off when she goes back to work in January.
Her DH just says nothing and looks smug.
Can;t believe I'm going to get roped (guilt tripped) into this.
I barely get enough sleep as it is with my arthritis, so can't wait for less!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2017 01:27

But you’re not going to get roped into anything.

Just say no.

pallisers · 28/12/2017 01:28

Well at the first hint I'd have said "you know I can't do full time childcare - right?"

Sit her down and tell her no - but that you can be an emergency back up.

I just don't understand a lot of family relationships on MN. Like adult children who can't ask their parents for an extra piece of bread and cheese while staying with them over christmas "because they'll be offended" or adult parents letting themselves be railroaded into childminding as a profession. This is very dysfunctional. Are you not intimate with your children/parents?

RavenWings · 28/12/2017 01:28

Jaysus if she's back to work in Jan you'll need to think about having that conversation asap, to make sure she sorts childcare. Otherwise it's easy for her to turn around, say "oh I couldn't find anything at such short notice" and then you be left guilted into having the baby.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 01:30

There is also a possibility of needing to care for elderly parents at the same time too.
Your kids might not be living nearby.
It might not be practical.
You might be quite elderly when the GCs arrive and they could end up with 12 children at different schools.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 01:33

Definitely say No. They will take the piss if they're not already.
Do NOT volunteer any emergency childcare.

Tessliketrees · 28/12/2017 01:35

Why does this generation automatically assume that they can have a baby then bugger off back to work

Maybe because the generation before them enjoyed a multitude of advantages then pulled the ladder up behind them and then have the audacity to call them entitled?

KarmaStar · 28/12/2017 01:37

No dgc yet but when(if)they arrive I will be helping out as much as required.
My dd and dsil work extremely hard and are doing their house up when not at work so they have a stable secure family home to provide .

RhodaBorrocks · 28/12/2017 01:45

My DM made it clear she wouldn't be providing childcare. When DS was little she was still working. She retired when he was a couple of years into school and we had a good set up with a few days a week at wraparound care and a few days with his Dad (we're no longer together). When XP did a total disappearing act she took over his days so I didn't have to pay more, but my DF does hands on stuff with him on the days he's home early (he still works). My DParents have offered to do an extra day each week to save me money but I actually turned it down because it would get awkward if/when they go on holiday etc.

My XMIL still works and she's in her 70s. She also lives 500 miles away.

So no, YANBU. Your DD has now backed you into a corner as it may be difficult for her to find childcare before she goes back to work. But you need to be very firm with her because otherwise it's just going to get even more difficult to say no once you're already looking after the baby.

BrokenBattleDroid · 28/12/2017 01:48

The unreasonable expectations work both ways. Some grandparents feel it is their right to look after the children for the parents and get very put out when their offers aren't snapped up, even being incredulous that a SAHP won't go back to work so that they can do their (perceived) grandparents duties.

I don't believe either is a "generational thing", both are just "entitled selfish people" things. And that can come with any age/sex/creed!

Just say you don't want to/dont feel up to it OP. If that feels too blunt you could even say your arthritis and lack of sleep means you wouldn't feel safe enough, so it won't be happening, sorry.

Abbotswood · 28/12/2017 01:50

You've gone from

'when DC mary and have children'

to

'DD is a teacher and keeps dropping hints about what time she@ll be dropping DCs off when she goes back to work in January.'

That was quick Grin

crunchymint · 28/12/2017 01:53

I am in my mid 50s. The reality is both myself and our friends will be working full time and unable to provide free childcare. Also we are at the age where we are now having to give some care to elderly relatives - visiting regularly to sort out paperwork etc.
My mum has a friend who did all the free childcare for her daughter, up until her husband got cancer and died quite quickly. They never got any chance to retire properly. The average life expectancy of men my age is 79.

PositivelyPERF · 28/12/2017 01:54

Maybe because the generation before them enjoyed a multitude of advantages then pulled the ladder up behind them and then have the audacity to call them entitled

Don't be so bloody ridiculous! I'm sick of reading about how my generation is all to blame. It was the banks, estate agents and governments that made financial decisions, not every bloody man and woman over the age of forty! I lived in a squat for the first year after leaving an abusive home, then cleaned shit covered toilets in an all male warehouse, in order to have somewhere to live. I fought and crawled my way to owning a home. My adult kids, nephews and nieces have the latest gadgets, phones, nice clothes, dine out and foreign holidays, then whine about not being able to afford a house. Cry me a river.

Tessliketrees · 28/12/2017 01:56

PositivelyPERF

Yep, just like that.

PositivelyPERF · 28/12/2017 02:00

If the cap fits, Tess

Raindancer411 · 28/12/2017 02:26

Well when she drops a hint tell her point blank, no!! We have had no help from our parents and managed, lots of people have too.

I know my nan has arthritis and how painful it is, so sorry to hear you have that :(

TheSameParts · 28/12/2017 02:29

My parents and ILs both made it clear there would be no childcare for our children, if we ever had them, despite doing multiple days for elder siblings. Started in our early 20s, long before we considered kids.

So we moved 1000km away for careers and now the grandkids are here, we get moaning about how they never see our kids. eyeroll

Can't have it both ways, OP. Be careful what you wish for.

SouthWindsWesterly · 28/12/2017 02:36

She needs childcare for January? As in two weeks? You need to have that conversation today.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 02:38

Are the DGCs very young, or are they at school.

It sounds a bit like you have not made such a good job of teaching your daughter how to respect her elders and this might be the perfect time to get your revenge.

Stock up on sugary things with e numbers in.
Also stock up on sweets and things that are not allowed.
Obviously do not harm your grandchildren.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2017 02:43

So your DD goes back to work in a few weeks at most, keeps mentioning what tome she will drop off the baby and you've just sat there and said nothing?? Why have you left it this late to correct her?

Lollipop30 · 28/12/2017 02:48

Obviously it’s your choice but YABU if during old age you are then going to be one of these old folks who expects their adult children to run round after them. It works both ways.
I actually think it’s a shame families no longer look out for each other and help each other in the same way as they used to. It’s all about outsourcing care now and making the most of your own time.
I will definitely be facilitating my adult children to provide the best life possible for my grandkids in the future.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 28/12/2017 02:57

Lollipop I’ve been facilitating my children for years. I’ve brought them up, houses them, fed them, encouraged them, and generally done the single parent thing like an absolute fucking boss.

I’m raising them to be as independent and self-sufficient as is possible under the circumstances.

I’ll babysit if they do have children, but I’ll not relive my parenting years for them. If they want children they’ll have to budget accordingly.

RadioGaGoo · 28/12/2017 03:04

Maybe this sense of entitlement has been installed in them as a result of your parenting. I do not expect my DM or my MIL to help with childcare, but then I was raised to be independent of my parents.

1DAD2KIDS · 28/12/2017 03:09

YANBU, but it is one of the most greatest and generous loving gifts you can give. As someone in a difficult job unexpectedly thrust into single parenthood I would be totally stuck without my retired mum stepping in to help. Try finding a child minder when you go to work at 4am? It is a gift she has given me and my two young kids so I feel duty bound to provide the same support to my children when they grow up should they need it.