To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

[inabizzlefam]

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

Very jealous of people who have grandparents help with childcare. I left work because I was paying to work and I look at all my friends who have grandparents help out a day or two a week and they're so much better off with two wages. (When I said I was thinking of getting a few hours a week my mil said Id better not think they'd be providing back up, she'd already raised her kids and wasn't raising mine😁) I don't think YABU, totally your choice (saying that I'll try to help a few days a week just because as I said above we didn't have it.)

A lot of grandparents do though. Particularly ones from the Far East where it seems normal for the parents to work and provide the money whilst the grandparents provide the care. My kids are young but if I can I think I’d want to help them out if they have their own kids. Plus, if you don’t help them then why should they help you when the inevitable happens and you need elderly care? It goes around and around. Families should look after each other.

YANBU. My mum looked after my eldest 3 while I went back to college/worked and refused to take any money. She gave up her job (she was looking for an excuse as she hated it) but all that was her choice. My dad had told her to quit for years. When DS4 (8years after DS3) arrived I felt it was unreasonable for my mum to start again so made alternative arrangements for him. Now DS1 has children of his own and I babysit so they can go out etc but I work and can't look after them full time (as much as I want to). I'm only 44 so have years before I can retire. I'm single so have no other income either. My exMIL never has, now never will (youngest GS of hers is 17) . It depends on many factors and whether you want to.

Why be so Bitter and stroppy about it?
If you don't want to help your children, just tell them.

If I was one of your children, I wouldn't want resentful grandparenting from you, it's miserable having to beg for that sort of help and one would only do it if one was desperate and even then...

When we were struggling in the early children years, it meant everything to us that my parents would sometimes help us out every now and then, and I grew closer to them because of it. I was stretched so thin at the time, childminders were very unreliable and I was so grateful to them. It it helped me understand the sacrifices they had made for us when we were young, and when they died, it was one of my fondest memories, the time they spent with our children as babies. I hope to do the same for my children.

OP is AWOL.
If you RTFT you'll see the story changed a few posts in and she was called out on it and vanished.
IMHO fake post to illicit responses for Daily fail fodder. Reported.

Meh. Daily Fail wankery.

YANBU OP but I would just wait and see how you feel when the time comes and maybe set that viewpoint to you DC now if you feel you need to. They might just be putting the feelers out to see whether or not having children would be financially viable for them and if I were them I would be grateful in knowing what to expect, if anything at all, so I could plan.

I would personally only offer or agree to childcare if I genuinely really wanted to look after my grandkids and I wouldn't worry about what was or wasn't expected of me or what my own experience was. My DM looked after sisters kids whilst she worked but unfortunately my DM was too preoccupied with childcare being expected of her and being taken advantage of. Sister was too preoccupied with keeping employer happy and keeping her house in a good neighbourhood. Eventually their arrangement broke down, sister worked extra hours and moved GC to nursery in the end, much to my DMs disgust.

We have a 1 year old DD and one of us is fortunate to be able to work part time and if necessary we could survive as a 1 income household. We are forever grateful that my MIL provides free part time childcare and that she doesn't view it as an inconvenience but a pleasure. She is 70 but says being around DD keeps her physically and mentally fit and she enjoys every minute. She adores children has always made clear that she would love to be involved in care of DD. I wouldnt dream of asking my own DM to care for DD whilst I worked, however I get the impression she wants more involvement and resents the bond my DD has with paternal grandma.

We don't depend on free childcare and MIL doesn't depend on us (at the moment) so there is no pressure and everyone is happy. Our family benefits from a bit of extra income and both me and DP can both keep our careers rolling whilst having a child. I do realise though that this set up is extremely rare in 2017, most of my peers really struggle with both the cost of childcare and sourcing good quality childcare from people that genuinely want to look after their kids. Unfortunately the economic and political situation looks grim and I personally don't envy people trying to start careers, buy houses and start families. So many parents I know would love to stay at home and care for their children themselves but unfortunately that isn't an option for most people.

I was talking to somebody recently (from abroad) who was shocked that some people in this country have 3+ children. In his country couples have 0 or 1 child, 2 children is extremely rare. This is all down to the cost of having children and the lack of support from employers and the state.

Most people have kids in the hope that the next generation will be better off that the last. I don't believe anybody really wants their kids to struggle more than them. I worry about my DD and what lies ahead for her and I will help out if and how I can.

My 7yo thinks when she's finished training to be a doctor, ballet dancer and farmer we're going to buy her a farm for us all to live in and whilst she goes out to work I'm going to look after her babies and her little brother is going to look after the tractors. Daddy is going to look after her emails

She'll be heartbroken when I tell her I have a long list of things to do when she's grown up and none of them involve her babies.

You should want to help your children. I agree that you shouldn't be expected to look after grandchildren 5 days a week if that's not what you want to do. However, providing childcare for a day or two a week would mean that you could bond with your grandchildren and also help financially. Not looking after your grandchildren will undoubtedly lead to bitter resentment from your children.

In your situation, I would maybe volunteer once or twice a week, but definitely not the whole week! Do tell your DD that she will need to be covered in case you are ill / go on holiday / have stuff to do. A nursery provides this, it would be best if she at least books the child once or twice a week regularly, with extra booking available if needed.
We had no childcare from family other than a handful of days in the last 5 years. I wish I had been offered two days a week, I'd have paid £20-30/day, about 70% nursery fees.
You need to be clear because some nurseries have waiting lists and booking your GC can take a couple of weeks or a few months!

Oovavoo I'm sorry you're going through such a horrible time, but you need to start a new thread and I would recommend starting in 'relationships'. I hope you the get the online support you need.

Yanbu. To offer care that suits you is fine you have done your years of childcare bringing them up. I have had this conversation with my kids and said that I will help where/when I can but am not doing regular care. The other grandma is tied down to regular care and is finding it rather awkward at times when she wants to do something but can't because it would cause a problem for them. I still work and value my time off. I do have GC now and then and enjoy time spent with them but will not be offering free daycare

@Oovavoo Wrong thread I'm guessing?

If not, you really need your own thread, ideally in relationships as AIBU can be a bit... Robust.

Cross post with PERF.

Having a child is always a selfish decision but it should be the parents that finance the child and pay for childcare not be so entitled that they think it's down to everyone else.

If everybody took that seriously, the population would drop precipitously, and there would be nobody of working age to fund or work in the public services, NHS included, on which so many older people depend.

Younger people today are facing financial challenges that older generations would have gasped at, and not because they are frittering money away on phones or avocado on toast.

As an example, my DD2 recently started a job, her first upon graduation, and while she has a decent salary and very good prospects, she is paying over half of what she takes home to rent a small bedroom fairly close to her workplace. Unless she doubles her salary in the next five years and keeps on increasing it after that, she will not be able to afford to buy her own place before she is in her mid-30s. She had to apply to several ads before getting the room she has, and feels lucky to have it because as a first time renter in a competitive market she had no references, just personal recommendations, the cachet of her university's 'brand', and how she came across over the phone and on SM. 'Live further from her job' you say? Then she would pay a big chunk of her paycheque for transport, and commuting time would cut into the amount of time she has for grocery shopping and cooking, laundry, cleaning and other personal needs.

How to afford childcare on top of housing costs is the conundrum that keeps people up at night. It is not fecklessness on the part of young adults and parents of young families that causes the massive problem of high housing costs.

I've already told my ds's that when they have their own children, I will willingly provide daily childcare, providing my health is still holding up. I couldn't imagine not.
I want them to be able to concentrate on their careers, to not have to worry if the child is unwell so cannot attend nursery, school etc.to not have to pay out hundreds each month for childcare.
For me that's the role I see of a 'grandmother' probably because that's what my grandmother did for me.

Has no one been watching Motherland. I am a paid Nanny and look forward to spending time with my own grandchildren if I should ever have any as other people's little ones are not quite the same. However, I would not want it to be presumed that I will automatically do this, and certainly not on a full time basis. Having looked after kids all my life, I would like some 'me' time. I would not be quite like the character in Motherland but I can fully understand her position on this entirely. There does come a time when you just want to start your own life and put yourself first for a change.

I help out as much as possible with grandkids and enjoy it immensely, very close relationship with them and can’t imagine it any other way, they - and my daughter - will always come first in my life and I feel very blessed

Not unreasonable in the slightest. My DPs took the same line with us and I said the same to my DCs.

I don't think YABU at all. I live far away from both my parents and in-laws but even if I lived closer I would never expect them to look after my kids for free. MIL is a childminder and, although I know she wouldn't, I would expect to pay the same as everyone else. Probably because we (partner and I) have had to learn to rely only on each other for childcare etc.

I think there is a distinction between babysitting and emergency help and regular childcare instead of a nursery.
Do any of you who feel grandparents should offer regular help think it's reasonable to expect a parent to give up their work / career / dreams to provide childcare?
My mum earnt far more than me anyway.

XmasTreeOhXmasTree
you could bond with your grandchildren and also help financially. Not looking after your grandchildren will undoubtedly lead to bitter resentment from your children.

LOL I've bonded just fine with my grandchildren in my role as a grandmother, not as a childminder.

If they bitterly resent me for having my own life then so be it. Since they keep coming back its not something I'm overly concerned about.

Xmas tree, I am a little shocked. Bitter resentment, really? Grandparent help is a gift not an entitlement. I brought up 4 without any help and could not work as a result, there were no child care facilities. I looked after my first two grandchildren one day a week for several, and it was lovely, but very tiring. It also meant for that time I could not follow my own interests. 40 years down the line and dont think its unreasonable to have a bit of life for myself.. I have ten grandchildren, I will babysit and help out in emergencies but don't feel able to take on lively toddlers as I approach my 70,s. I feel no resentment from my children who have made no demands. I have a bond with all of the little ones, especially one i see the least of. Rachie hits it on the head. I would also say that it is unreasonable if this becomes an expectation. We sacrificed a lot of creature comforts bringing up children. We should enjoy our grandchildren without expectations. I wouldnt even have this conversation with an offspring until they were parents and planning to go back to work

Tess like trees . Your attitude is rather fashionable, aided by certain politicians. Certainly our age group had some advantages, and , shock horror, many disadvantages. It is a fashion to call out the baby boomers, and also to call out millennials and snowflake generation. Get a grip, no ladder was pulled up except by politicians adding universtity fees, banks manipulating mortgages. Our expectations were low, we were not sloshing with money. I feel aggrieved and offended by this attitude. We did our very best for our children, and did without things for them. we dont deserve to be slagged off

I haven't read this but I have two children: 19 and 23. It has always been my intention to provide them with the things my Mother didn't provide for me: encouragement, Love, support a welcoming home.

I'm 57 and could be 67 by the time they have children. Presently both DH and I have full time professional careers.

I imagine full time child care may be beyond me even now as I have difficulty kneeling and lifting due to chronic health issues (osteoporosis osteo arthritis).

I would like to be able to babysit possibly once a week, I would love to be able to support future gc's activities by paying or helping after school. If well enough I'd like to be able to go my DC one day a week each to ease the financial burden for them or helping them with costs. Of course I would want to help in emergencies. I never had any of that and the occasional emergency help was never willingly given.

But I have seen friends of my mother's and of Mils burnt out and succumb to illness after ten years of heavy duty childcare. And also some of the marvellous grandparents who were ever present throughout my own dc's education.

DH and I have worked ceaselessly to enable our DC to fulfil their potential. I would hope they will be capable to dealing with their own DC for the most part both emotionally and financially. I think we would be happier to help financially than physically in ten years time.