To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

[inabizzlefam]

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

*But

(My MIL provides some free childcare for us - it is not expected at all but extremely appreciated. My dd adores her and loves the time with her. Not to mention the £0000s it saves us each year. I was fully prepared to send my dd to nursery for all the time I work though.)

My mil used to love to help us out quite a lot, but not to cover working hours (we used nurseries for that, part-time). She lived locally though, and adored the kids so did quite a lot of babysitting. She had really close bonds with the grandchildren and they adored her back. One of her bitchy friends used to refer to her as "poor Margaret, getting the grandchildren dumped on her again." That friend point-blank refused to do anything for her own local grandchildren.
Upshot was, my mil had care and love and support throughout her final years from all of us. We'd never have let her spend a weekend or holiday all alone. Friend is living alone and is lucky if she sees her family more than a couple of times a year.

Absolutely not unreasonable. We're not the kind of family to live near each other anyway so it wouldn't be possible even if my mum was capable of looking after my children.

Where is OP? Are those kids that her DC might have some day, or already existing kids whose mum is going back to work next week?

Also, Daily Hail, fuck off.

It sounds to me as though you got the balance exactly right, @Fitbit, your MIL helped you out with your DC and when she needed care you returned the favour, and did it out of love not obligation. The question for OP is whether these considerations have occurred to her own DC.

I do not have kids myself but why are you so against helping out your your own?
It sounds from the tone of your posts that you disapprove of your daughters, it is not clear from your post sons vs daughters, working after the birth and that they should be at home.
Unfortunately for many/most it's not really much of a choice as rising house prices and mortgages/rents require two incomes...
And even as a non-parent I know childcare takes a big chunk out of one's wages...

gamerwidow “not sure that’s true a single parent on benefits in a Council house today would be better off then my mum”
Benefits were a similar level, but things like the price of food and energy are more expensive, comparatively. Cost of living in percentage terms was lower. But it’s also the long term and macro economic issues which cause the imbalance.

I have really struggled as a lone parent without practical help. I plan to make sure my kids get as much help as i can

user
My mortgage /living costs requires two incomes too. Often people move houses so you still have a big mortgage in your 50s.

Surely in most cases there is a happy medium to be reached. It seems massively entitled to expect full time childcare from GP, but it also seems mean to not be willing to help at all if they are able. My Mum did a couple of days a week for me, which was much appreciated. I would be happy to do the same when DC's get to that point.

"it also seems mean to not be willing to help at all if they are able. "

Why?

Great if people want to help out, but why mean if they don't?

I naively assumed that this is what would happen before I had DCs but to my late DM’s great credit she gently showed me that this would not be the case. She did have the DCs for me while she was well once or sometimes twice a week and occasionally for an evening out, but she was working part time herself and was adamant that it was her time to live her life. Unfortunately that was not to be but I respected her for her determination and strength. I may well still be working when my DC have children and will take the same approach.

My MIL is retired and collects a couple of days a week. Used to have DS once a week before he started school. The rest of it was and is ours to sort, as it should be and we are very grateful for what she does.

This whole thing confuses me.

Those saying parents should want to do this. Is the assumption that parents should move house and give up work to do this?

Should they do it for all their children? If my 3 all have 2 that will be 6 children I will need to provide f/t care for? So double the amount I looked after f/t when I was much younger and fitter?

I just cannot picture me in my 70s, running around after a toddler f/t. The idea horrifies me.

And I’m late 40s now and we may have benefited from getting a mortgage before the crash but it’s still a high mortgage and we still had high childcare costs. I think those saying it was easy for those tipping 50 now (ie heading towards GP type of age) are thinking of those currently @70. Those are the generation of tiny mortgages and huge final salary pensions. And at that age I certainly couldn’t cope with f/t childcare.

My mother told me she wouldn't be looking after my children- fair enough, she had 5 and was at home for 16 years before resuming career.
I have 3 children aged 6,10 and 14, spent 12 years at home (with a little bit of freelance work), loved it but feel just as my mum did. I've done my bit and will not be doing it again, certainly not in any regular way.

Our eldest is now 20 my mum had already passed by then and df living abroad, in law's retired, but we certainly never expected free childcare. We used a registered childminder and when she took her holidays if myself or dh couldn't get the time off my mil used to have him, but we paid her the same as the childminder would have got. Our ds, our responsibility. However, when she wanted to have him the odd weekend it was never turned down!

YANBU, entirely your choice. If it were me, I'd happily do a day or do childcare to help out, assuming she lived close by. However since I am planning on reliving my youf by selling up and moving to Ibiza the day she starts university, it might be a slight issue. Would I have her DC for a week or two every summer. Most definitely.

If have the time and inclination a couple of days a week would be as much as I would offer. The fact that childcare would be long-term, would need to coordinate holidays etc not to be taken without real consideration. Can't understand why there are so many folk who have children then discover it costs money for childcare. If you can't afford the cost yet want to go back to work think again. The saying "You can't have it all" comes to mind.

I have never expected or wanted my parents to provide childcare. However, through their choice they have my son from Friday afternoon to Saturday evening most weeks. Both grandparents and grandchild get a lot out of this time together. It is not expected but totally appreciated nevertheless

It’s unreasonable of anyone to expect their parents/in laws to do any substantial amount of childcare unless the grandparents have offered & want to. It’s really lovely when grandparents can help out in emergencies, here & there short periods of babysitting if they’re available or in emergencies & when childcare places aren’t open. It’s sad when grandparents don’t want to help out a bit here & there, & is a massive gift when they do want to help.

I am totally jealous of people who have parents that will help with childcare.

On the other hand, things are difficult for parents right now. You say they have to pay for childcare to pursue their careers, but many people have no choice but to work. If they weren’t working to look after their kids, would you complain that they are claiming benefits. My mum constantly complains that I only have one child and CANNOT understand that even though me and my DH both work full time, we cannot afford another child, or a mortgage deposit. Houses are too expensive, childcare is expensive, we’ve had to pay for our own education and have to pay into a pension. Very soon, I expect the NHS will be sold off and we’ll have to pay for healthcare too.

Sometimes it’s nice if you can offer to help in an emergency, or if they are sick, or during school holidays which are properly a pain. Think about your boundaries and what you MIGHT be able to help with. They will appreciate you being clear.

how old are your dc's?

Ofcourse you can. In the same vein I’ve made it quite clear I won’t be taking care of either of my parents in their old age. I’m not daft enough to run around after them like they did for their parents.

YANBU nobody should expect full time free childcare off the Grandparents. What about YOUR life. You raised your children and now they can raise theirs!

Because it’s often the woman that gives up work after having children, I would help my DD as much as I could while her children were very young. Assuming she took around 6 months mat leave and then she and her partner did 4 days per week each, I would take the children for a few years, until they were pre school age. It would be around a 5 year commitment for 3 days pw? I would definitely do this if I were able to.

Less keen on babysitting. I don’t think you should expect to go out as much when your children are young.

I’m early 40s and my DC are 6 so I know what it’s like to have young children and commit to a hypothetical scenario.