To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

[inabizzlefam]

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

It's your choice and you need to let them know. Some grandparents want to do regular child care and some don't. So many judgements being made on here! It's your choice and shouldn't be an expectation. It all about communication. For my grand children I do emergency cover but not a regular day. Don't underestimate that it is harder and more tiring the older you get. The other thing to consider is if you have more than 1 child you have to treat them equally and you may not be able to do child care if they have their children at the same time. Two of my children have 3 young children each. I certainly wouldn't want to care for 6 at the same time!

Well it kind of depends I think. I wouldn't give up my own job to offer free childcare because I couldn't afford to. If I'm retired then I'll do what I can but I doubt it would be 5 days a week, 3 days maybe but I'd expect to have time to do what I wanted too.

My mum told me pretty much from puberty that she would not be looking after any kids if I had them. Was a good teenage pregnancy deterrent.

Being the youngest of 4 (with 10 grandchildren between us + great gc now), my parents have helped with looking after their grandchildren for over 20 years. They have always been willing to help, but then none of us took advantage of them. We are clearly extremely lucky to have had such a closeknit family where ANYONE of us would help if called upon. We also all live within a 30 mile radius so obviously easier. I am now a SP with 2 DC (13 & 10) with my DPs in their mid 70s. They do have an active social life but are also happy to help if needed. They did help out (1 day a week) when my DS & DD were younger and were happy to do so. I would never put on them and looks like I have an extremely supportive family. Others have different opinions so am glad that my parents are fab xxx

My DD is planning to have 6 children and that i will look after them all. Since she's only 7 i reckon I've got a few years yet to clear that one up 😂

I am a grandparent carer and two of my grandchildren live with me on a court order. I never wanted this particularly but the alternative did not bear thinking about. I am not really maternal, but I have never regretted my decision in any way and it has been a privilege.

But, and it is a big but, my dd1 still hints and tries to get me to look after her other two children and I do not want to. I was only 39 when I took the boys on but now I am in my fifties and find the younger kids really hard work. I don't think it is fair to expect me to take on even more and I have already given up work to care for the two who reside with me.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all op. Your children are overly entitled. It is a lot of work, demanding and you will never be free to enjoy hobbies or have time to yourself. What if you or the children are ill. I can understand a day a week but to be honest, I am tired of childcare duties and would not even want to do this.

I have no issue with anyone on here who wants to take on childcare duties, best of luck to you.

I think you're being fair, maybe they don't see that as they think you will probably do it willingly. They probably have friends that can work and leave their DCs at their parents, so they see it as an option open for them.
My parents are the opposite, they want me to go back to work so they can look after my DD, but I don't want that. I believe that once you have a kid you should be responsible for them in everyway.
Of course in many different situations, some parents can't afford to stay at home so need to go back to work, or a single parent who needs to work to provide etc. Thats my opinion though, each to their own.

I help out with babysitting. Will I hell be childminding though.

I'm 45 years old with 6 kids of my own. The youngest is nearly 16 now.

I've gone back to work full time, and I get to go away with my husband as I want.

I'm incredibly close to all the kids, and I adore my grandchildren. I've just spent 3 days with the 2 youngest and taken great pleasure in stories, muddy puddles and Paw Patrol with them.

I simply don't want to be a childminder though. The kids understand that. They work and pay for childcare, if a night shift causes an issue, I, or one of the family helps out. I also won't be putting any of them on the housing ladder. I don't have the money.

I have a house I own outright and one day they will inherit that. In the meantime though they'll have to do what we did and muddle through.

Have to say, I don't know what we would've done if my mum hadn't acted as our childminder/gran. I'm only sad that I'm still working full time, and not in a position to do it for our kids just now, although, when I retire in several years, I shall absolutely be paying it forward, and offering at least. I understand it's not for everyone, but it certainly meant the world to us as parents, that my mum was there through the day for our kids. We did pay her, even though she protested, but it wasn't as much as a nursery or childminder would've charged. She had a very close relationship with our children. I consider us to have been very lucky, although I know it's not for everyone. Each to their own, as folk say.

Why does this generation automatically assume that they can have a baby then bugger off back to work leaving the grandparents doing the same childrearing they've already done?

This cemented that you’re just being a GF, OP. Quite beside the fact that this seems a very odd convo to have with children who aren’t settled or having children of their own, this statement is ridiculous.

I and most people I know use paid childcare rather than grandparents.

I would happily look after any grandchildren a couple of days a week, but then my extended family has been great in that respect. My son has a close relationship with his Nana and my aunt, and I would like the same. But then we are northern types and there is a strong tradition of Nana type matriarchs! I think if you have the time, it can be a very rewarding thing. After all your grandkids are your family too.

Dancinggoat
Why wouldn't you want to help your family ? If you have the time there's no better way of spending than time with your grandchild and helping your children.

I enjoy shopping, cooking, cinema, holidays amongst other things.

I also enjoy my GC. Just not at the exclusion of MY life.

I would feel as you do OP. I would LOVE to eventually have grandchildren (but not for a while - eldest daughter 21) but I definitely don’t want to spend my retirement looking after little ones full time. Crikey - grandparents need some
fun and free time to socialise, pursue hobbies etc too - why the hell not ?!
If I was you, I’d research childcare facilites locally and availability for January so you can present them to your daughter asap - she will def get the message then ! Probably would have been more sensible to nip it in the bud as soon as she mentioned it though - be open with her, it will be much easier now than later.

I initially thought you weee talking about kids as in 6 yo and thought you were being premature! No way should you be expected to do it. You should be asked if you want to and what you are willing to do.

I relied on my mum to occasionally do a few hours here and there but always checked it was fine first and never presumed. We moved abroad before dd started school. No way would I have expected her to do full time! Some people want to and that’s up to them. Personally, I wouldn’t want to but my dd is only 8 so not an issue yet!

...and I absolutely agree with Rachie1973

I had DC young, so when my oldest is 18 I will be 33, average age for a first baby is 28.6 according to google, so I'd be 43, realistically I will still need to work full time then, I might be retired by the time I get great grandchildren...

Remind them it’s their choice if they have children, but not to rely you for childcare as you have done your share when you raised them.

But then we are northern types and there is a strong tradition of Nana type matriarchs!

Haha, yeah I think that is true, or definitely what I've experienced in my own family, DH's family, and the families of close friends who are also from the north - and seemingly less so amongst my friends who are from midlands & the south but maybe that's just a coincidence.

I'm pregnant with our first now and my DM is quite clear that she wants to help with childcare when I go back to work after mat leave. I'm planning to go back 2 or 3 days a week rather than FT if possible and my DM gives the impression she'd happily have them for that long as she knows my intentions and when I've mentioned nursery she's poo-poo'd the idea, but I think I'd like LO to go to nursery at least one day a week anyway to be with other children and have different experiences. But my DM is only in her mid-fifties and does not work, and she absolutely loves pre-school aged kids (she has a degree in childhood studies and worked for many years in a local nursery). I would never dream of actually asking her to provide childcare but since she's offering I'm happy to take her up on the offer (although I don't think I would for 5 day weeks or anything even if she offered that much as I think that would be really unfair and too much). My DF works FT and usually 4 days of that week that's away from home in a far-away city or even abroad.

We are currently NC with MIL and FIL and SMIL, but even if we weren't, MIL wouldn't offer to provide childcare and even if she did it would not be safe to let her do so, and FIL and SMIL wouldn't offer and we would never dream of asking.

Well my kids are all grown and I told them from the start I would only babysit on special occasions or in emergencies. They want kids they look after them, I've done my part. I taught them how to be decent people, how to cook, clean and socialise with people from all walks of life. I pushed them a little with their education. Then I cut the apron strings and sent them out into the world to do their own thing. They are all girls and all pretty successful at what they do. I see them and my grandkids as and when its mutually convenient for us all. It works very well too. Bollocks to this helping them all the time they have to learn by themselves or once the parents aren't there anymore they end up on their arse.

Hahahahaha.

I have worked f/t throughout my child rearing years, and this has enabled me, although I have a low salary, to be able (I hope) to leave a share of a house to my DCs. When I retire, on the last day of my 66th year (won't be affording it sooner) I really will NOT be looking to step from f/t work into a permanent and regular all-day commitment to childcare. I just can't be everything to my kids for my whole life.

If I had had a few years , early retirement, retirement with an 'empty nest', a few years not WOHM when they were at secondary, who knows, I might have got a second wind.

I wonder how many parents (mothers) work f/t until 67 and then go straight into childcare?

I will love any grandchildren to bits. I will have them for days in the hols, babysit, maybe even take them on holiday while parents work. But regular commitment? Don't think so.

YANBU at all. So long as you tell them from the start that you won't do it unless its an emergency or they want a night out. My dad told me throughout my pregnancy he would help out when it came to go back to work. When they time came he changed his mind. (This isnt the first time hes done this). Not saying my dad watching DS was a deciding factor in having him but by saying one thing then doing another messed everything up, and there was no real reason other than he didnt want to. It worked out for the best in a way as in hindsight I don't think my dad has the health to look after a baby. However I would have prefered it if he'd told me straight away that he didnt want to rather than stringing me along for so long. So yeah unless you radically change your mind I think your entirely reasonable to not be a free childminder

my mother tried the 'dont even think about it line'

so I pointed out all the times I babysat her kids (my half siblings) for free and how her choice to have 8 yes 8!! was not my responsibility then I should never have been forced to look after them so she could 'get her life back' it was never even for work. She never worked but to do things she could've done in school hours or go to the pub.

my mother expected me to provide free childcare. I expect the favour returned.

Why does this generation automatically assume that they can have a baby then bugger off back to work leaving the grandparents doing the same childrearing they've already done?

Which generation is that then? When we had kids not only did we not ask or assume this but I didn't know any new parents who did. Most of our parents were still working or not local and even where they were not there was no assumption. I knew a number of DGPs who were keen to be involved in it but from observation more than 1 day a week was prone to difficulties, even on a more commercial footing.

My older children's generation are now starting to have babies. Again I don't know of any who assume DGPs will be providing childcare but several who have had an offer of childcare. I think most of them are as wary about it as my generation were. Again most of said parents are still working.

So what is this generation of flakes who make these assumptions? Or is it just your DC and you assume its all of their peers?

It depends on how much of a relationship you want with your grandchildren too, my mum wanted to have my daughter 2 days a week from when I went back to work until she started school, and now my DD is 7 and they have the loveliest relationship and that will remain. Also my grandparents never had much to do with me and my brother when we were younger and now I don’t feel at all close to them.