To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

[inabizzlefam]

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

I feel sorry for them. It is so hard having children and working or not being able to work because you cannot afford childcare.

My mum has my DD 2 days a week and she is in nursery the other 2 (I work 4 days a week normally)

Although I work for myself so there is flexibility luckily.

For those who don't earn much I really don't know how they do it without asking for help from family.

Even if you did 1 day a week it might help them - I bet you will then have an amazing bond with your grandchild. I know my mum has that.

Littlepoppet: how old is your Mum, and what is her own work history?

Completely reasonable!!
You've already raised your children.
Now it's time to enjoy those grandbabies,not raise them❤

This is a horrid thread!!! So judgey!

No OP, any involvement with looking after your future grandchildren is up to you! It would be nice if you could help and support when you can, but only IF you can and WANT to.

My mum looks after my DS when my husband is away with work (he’s military) but is only ever away a few weeks at a time.

I seen no problem with having a career and children, and also to care for your career. Is bullshit what we are still doing this horrid judging of mothers who seek both.

I’m proud of my career and of my DC. He absolutely loves time at this pre-school, and has learnt more than I could teach him. I do sacrifice time with him for work, but the time we have is awesome and it’s great he’s pleased to see me and can watch me achieve in the workplace. Personally I think it’s important for him to see.

I don’t begrudge mothers OR FATHERS who stay at home and do sacrifice work for kids, I think that’s equally awesome. And at the end of the day we should be applauding each other and helping each other not spouting hateful crap for every individual’s choice.

Everyone is a good mum, whether they work or not. Get over it.

I’m so disheartened by some of the hate spouted on this thread 🙁

Your generation voted and still votes only for the political party that benefits you - they knew this and rather than voting for the better parties you voted selfishly... Time and time again.

We get called snowflakes but really we have gone through hell even to afford rent! Your generation screwed up so take responsibility and actually help us.

When I got pregnant, my mother said "Don't expect me to babysit." (And to be clear - that's "babysit" not "childmind".) So I've never asked her, even in an emergency. In contrast, my MIL has done ad hoc babysitting, has had the kids for a weekend when we've gone to a child free wedding, and has a much closer relationship with the DDs. It was also my MIL who came to stay with me after I gave birth to DD1, who was a nightmare baby as my mother had no interest, and my MIL who came to help out when I came out of hospital post surgery. They've been really lucky to have my in-laws as hands-on grandparents, whereas my mother has only used them as a boasting tool at the over 60s club.

Hmmmm
You're not bein unreasonable but I do think you're bein pathetic and clearly don't live in his century. My mum looks after my daughter 1 day a week and it's a god send.....saves me £250 a month!!
If she didn't help me out one day a week then I would be on benefits.
I have never asked her to have my child - she chooses to have her and my daughter has an amazing relationship with her. I know that if anything was to ever happe to me my daughter would be in great hands with my mum!

It's up to you, but if I'm lucky enough to have Grandchildren one day, I want to help out as much as I can. This won't mean having them every day, but I'll certainly help out.

My parents helped me out with my DC and my Grandparents helped look after us when my parents were working. In my mind it's what families do.

And in return, my parents looked after my grandparents when they get older, as I will with my Mum and Dad.

Totally agree with you DivisionBelle. I'm mid 50s, left uni, went straight to work and have worked full-time ever since. I had my children relatively late, youngest when I was 40. I paid for childcare for a full 18 years and the costs were crippling, more than our mortgage (which incidentally we didn't get a leg up to achieve!!) For various reasons, we had neither childcare nor childminding from any of the grandparents.

I don't think 'this generation' expects it, but I think they definitely NEED more help than before, because of everything costing so much more, for such crappy wages. I am raising 6 children the majority of the time, and the age gaps between mine are massive, and I love it, and of course will help my children if I am able to do so, as I envision things getting much much worse for them. I only wish I had had parents to rely on for some help, or grandparents....I worked myself into the ground when I was a single parent and it did me and my babies no favours...Of course you are under no obligation, but I think you think this generation is lazy, no, it was just other generations had it much much easier!

I think for some there’s a difference between being a grandparent and a carer and for some they feel they want to be a grandparent. If I’m honest I’m not sure how I’d feel if my kids have kids and whether I’d want to help. I love them dearly now but would like part of my life back (I’m 35 now). I don’t want to spend all my life raising kids. I’ve had to give up work as two of my dc have a disability so life has been hard. I’d like to think I’ll have some life back in the future. I’m not saying no but like my parents didn’t want to do every day which I respect neither would I.

YANBU. We seem to have a generation of adults who want children but think others should look after them or provide financially for them.

I see plenty of grandparents at school and many look exhausted. Childcare has been forced on them at a time they should be enjoying their free time.

Having a child is always a selfish decision but it should be the parents that finance the child and pay for childcare not be so entitled that they think it's down to everyone else.

Belle - my mum is 59 and has not had a career. She raised 5 children and had a few cleaning jobs here and there. We were pretty poor growing up at times. She also has ME but luckily my DD perks her up most of the time.

We are lucky though because I work for myself, so if she ever wasn't up to it I could just take a day off.

Before working for myself I had a good career in management but it was too much with a young child and the nursery fees took most of my wage. So unfortunately I had to leave.

Ooops, hadn't finished! I am exhausted; it's been relentless. I have worked to give my children all the advantages I can, learning instruments, having hobbies, a university education, and a nice home to live in, which one day they will inherit, along with my share of the property I inherited from my parents. I've various health issues, including arthritis, and if any of my children thought for one moment I am going to give up my precious retirement to mind their children full-time, they can think again! It will be the only time of my life that will ever be truly mine. I want to be a fun, loving granny, not minding grandkids through obligation.

I have put all I have and all I am into my children, and I don't have the energy or ability to do it all again. I will help in any way I can - my parents helped us financially - but I want a bit of freedom and me time before I shuffle off the mortal coil!

I don’t think it should be assumed at all. In a lot of cases it’s not about getting on the housing ladder either. Finances can be a struggle, as they have been for my family, but going off topic a bit here, there’s a problem that I can see that the generation now raising kids (which includes me) have a sense of entitlement to have a car, big tv, the latest mobile phone, Sky, drink, smoke, go on holidays etc etc. These are not entitlements they are luxuries if you can afford them. I was raised to save money and but things when I had the money, and to be grateful for what I have got. A warm home and food on the table.
And kids now seem to expect the latest electronics and a mobile phone at very young ages. Very sad imo.

This is based on several ifs. I wouldn't worry about until they're married or a baby is on the way. So much can happen before then. My job took me over an hour away from my parents, and sadly my lovely Mum died before I even managed to have dd. If and when it's imminent, then have a lifestyle that means you're too busy to be free childcare.

It shouldn't be assumed at all. My grandparents actually look after both of my sons whilst my OH and I work. Well, they take my older son to school and pick him up and they watch my 1 year old four days a week.

I didn't ask, they offered and they love it. They have an exceptionally close relationship with my sons, more so than their other grandparents and great grandparents.

Of course if they were unable to, didn't want to do this anymore, they know that would be 100% fine. We would organise alternative childcare if they ever asked us too.

I've been very lucky to have MIL help out with childcare a couple of days a week. Her retirement pretty much coincided with my return to work and whilst it was much appreciated, it wasn't expected. My son now has an incredibly close relationship with his grandparents and I can see how much joy that brings to all of them, especially as they get older. In time, as they age, I will happily provide as much care for my in-laws as I can, not because I feel I owe them because they helped out with DS but because we're family, we care about each other and we want to help each other out if we can.

We're in our mid-thirties and have very little mortgage, good incomes and will likely retire in our fifties. If the DC have children and need help, we'll help them however much we can. If they need deposits for homes, if we can help them we will. However we can support them, we'll try to do it.

My parents told me from the minute I turned 18 that I was solo. They stuck to it, too, and it's made me more determined that there won't be a cut-off point with my own DCs in that way. I made the commitment to have children, for me that's a lifelong thing rather than a temporary one.

You might end up like my mum and doing a complete U-turn. The whole time I was growing up she said time and again that she didn't understand people who offered regular childcare for their grandchildren. She drummed it in that she would not being doing this (not that I ever expected it, or even mentioned it!!!!).

Anyway, I grew up & moved hours away (job & relationship). Got married and now have two children. My mum soon changed her mind and now all I hear is how lucky other grandparents are that they get to spend so much time with their grandchildren and build such strong relationships with them, and how she wishes she lived in the same town etc etc!! To be honest, I get fed up with her saying it so often.

Meant to add that I'm the complete opposite and should our DC choose to have children I will help in whatever way I can. I know first hand how hard it can be raising a family without any support from other family members and don't want our DC to struggle in the ways that we sometime have with trying to juggle everything.

I absolutely agree with the OP.., I’m more than happy to offer the occasional bit of baby sitting (if it’s convenient for me) on an evening, but, like hell, would I provide childcare on a regular basis.

The same with money, I won’t be giving them money for a deposit on a house.

I’ve never had any of the above support from my parents and don’t expect it... why would I? What’s happened to standing in your own two feet.

My parents would help if I was in dire straights (and have done) and I’d do the same for my dc. But being short of money or childcare being expensive isnt dire straights.

Depends on how much you want them to look after you when you are old. Do you want several visits a week as a widow? Do you expect home help? Kids to bring meals round? Constantly check in on the old people's home to make sure the nurses are treating you well? Help with choosing your new wheelchair?

Sooo..I've had the 4th crap Xmas in a row due to my husband being a heavy drinker..he works really hard and provides well for us all but once he's home were lucky to get 2 hours before he's slurring and winding up the kids..I'm at breaking point though as this year he told me he'd taken an overdose just before Xmas. .I called ambulance and he went to hospital reluctantly but discharged him self..police on doorstep next day. They said his bloods where fine. Does that mean he lied and didn't take the tablets or he was safe to be home? I am sorry for babbling but I'm so freaked out....

@PositivelyPERF

Bty, their jobs can't be that marvellous, if they still can't get on the housing market, without the bank of mum and dad

Well aren't you a charmer (really nasty piece of work). Actually both my kids are on the housing ladder - both have good jobs and one earns more than me. I'd still pull out all the stops to help them though,