To be jealous of their free time

[ExtraPineappleExtraHam]

I know I was the one who decided to have two kids but I really need some help to clean my house. Things are at a critical level, climbing over mounds of clean and dirty washing to get into the bed, not able to shut dd's door due to toys and books, no room in fridge due to mountains of half eaten left overs. I just need a few kid free hours to do it and they don't nap.
All I can think of is that loads of my family and friends are just sat about at this time of year, eating. No one has volunteered to have them. Should I ask or do people want to relax at this time of year without a 2 year old and a 1 year old crashing about the place. I just feel so desperate to make the most of my few days off and I'm fed up of living in these conditions.

So... why don't you pay for a babysitter and get the cleaning done? Or pay for a cleaner while you can relax a bit.

From what I have seen, a lot of students and au pairs look for exra gigs during the hols. If you can't afford that, then you have to call your friends/relatives and ask them for a favour. They will not offer. Everyone has their own life to lead. They cannot know of your difficulties in life unless you tell them and ask for help.

The worst that could happen is they would say no and you can move onto the next person in the list, or find the money to get a holiday help.

A feel your pain op, don't listen to the posters saying "well you obviously have not kept on top of it"
I have one little boy and work and have a husband and the housework really gets on top of me sometimes.

Does it make you want to cry op and do you feel anxious about making a start. The reason I ask is this was me 6 months ago and I was depressed. I am now on treatment and break things down into lists.

It doest help that I have a mother who judges how tidy my house is. On Christmas morning she went upstairs and I caught her poking her nose into the bedrooms and having a look. She then went on at me for it all day

OP, I emphathise with your situation, and jealousy is completely understandable (I am terribly jealous of dog owners, I love dogs but am allergic) but you cannot expect others to come to you and volunteer to solve your problems. Seriously, even if I am happy to help, I cannot go around the hols every year asking people if they need help. They have to come to me, and ask me.

Ikea Kallax are a livesaver especially if space/storage is an issue. Our new house has way less storage and space (ex Council to new build) and I’ve had to get creative with storage solutions!

Just sending you some support - I really feel for you, sounds like things are getting on top of you.
My DH works crazy long hours and I feel insanely jealous of friends whose husbands are home by 6 every evening! It’s a natural feeling.
You may as well ask a relative to have the kids for a day - the worst that can happen is they say no. You won’t have lost anything so do ask.
Do what you can, baby steps, and be kind to yourself x

I think you need to ask for help, I would never offer to babysit for fear I would upset my friend/family by suggesting their house is a shithole! I would be mortified. Xx

I totally get you, op, I felt the exact same when mine were young.

I'm sorry but jealousy is natural and I am jealous when my Christmas is two snotty, needy children following me around as I try to take washing upstairs or do the washing up. I do wish I had a couple of hours free to fold washing or sort socks whilst catching up on Call the Midwife or bake off. I'm in my twenties so most of friends don't have children or have partners who don't have to go back to work on Boxing Day. I am jealous. I know they have things to do and time spent seeing family as well but I just want a break. I'm not apologising for that.

I'm not trying to make light of your position, OP, but I think this is a very valid point you're making.

Having babies is hard. It's a thankless, miserable task. They are not cute, chuckling bundles of joy. This is the reality of it. I'm not denying there is joy to be found, of course not, but this is the bulk of it.

And I also think that if this view of it were presented more often, and people were more honest about the realities, then there wouldn't be 20 somethings with 2 children, 2 and under, with 'absent' partners because women would 'get it' long before they experienced it for themselves.

Extra Just ask someone. Like I said, I wouldn't volunteer. I wouldn't give up my free time willingly, I would worry that if I said to someone "can I take the children for you and give you an hour?" that they might infer an implied criticism and, tbh, it just probably wouldn't occur to me.

But if you asked, and I were able, then I would take them.

All the time you have spent posting on MN you could have been folding washing or tidying up!
The kids don't seem to be such a hindrance when you are online?
In all honesty the only advice I would give is to just get on with it....
Plenty of us have no support and don't live in a hovel because we know that we don't want to live like that!
Also bleating on about how you are only in your 20's solves nothing, you chose to have not just one child but two -assuming you know the mechanics of it you must have known there would be a very small age gap?
For what it's worth I was in my early 20's when I had children, I worked full-time and the house was clean and the clothes were ironed. The kids also went out every day. Go figure.

Well everyone is different, Sleepy so I don't think that revealing your perfect management is helpful.

I'm also not sure how you managed to take the children out every day when you worked full time. Surely for half the year it would be dark when you got home from work, so where were you taking them? (Actually genuinely curious about this one. Mine are both older now, but I didn't take them out every day.)

Not necessarily snow. There are advantages and disadvantages to being a younger parent or an older parent, one is only better than the other on an individual level, there's no general rule.

Op will no doubt be in the same position as me in a decade, taking it easy and feeling very grateful that it is her peers who are struggling through the chaos of babies and toddlers.

You could also say the same about older parents and being aware of the real experience. Even ignoring the biological side which is a very real problem for many, small dc aren't less work when you're in your 30's.

Children don't melt in the dark Snow. It is possible to walk to friends etc for tea or wrap them up and let them play out?
I am thrilled you think my time management is perfect but don't forget I am not the one complaining it can't be done, I am simply pointing out that many of us do it without being bitter that family or friends don't take our children so we have time I think the OP would benefit immensely from a more can do attitude instead of whining about it on here!

Children don't melt in the dark Snow

Well no... But if it's dark and you have a 2 year old, where are they going to be playing out? I would take mine for a bit of a walk after dark but, tbf, we didn't have friends or family locally, so that wasn't an option.

I used to take mine to the park, museums, castles, etc. None of which were open or particularly fun after a day at work! And why I asked.

Fuck me sleepy, aren't you an empathetic bundle of joy.

oP I take bags to the charity shop a couple of bags at a time. Just pop them on the handle bars of the buggy and drip them into a charity shop in town. If you can do two carrier bags even 3 days a week you will aloft it in no time

Op, do you have a heart foundation charity shop nearby? They do door collections. They have been a godsend for us when clearing out toys. I am great at washing and drying clothes but they also never seem to get put away often. They sit in a wash basket in our room. The rest though we have to get on with. I have the advantage of me and the kids dad being at home (a disadvantage in a lot of ways though) so we can usually tackle it together. I have depression, PTSD and anxiety so not much gets done. My advice is a chore list for you and your partner and just work at them in your own pace. Getting dishes done at night and worktops wipes down with those cleaning wipes is a big help for morning times. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Put the 1 year old in a play pen with Simone toys and let the 2 year old follow you about as you clean, even brig the travel cot into the room you are cleaning if the child will get upset and clean around it. It can be done, it’s just getting the motivation to do it that is hard. It does sound like depression and I k ow you say you haven’t got it but if motivation is what’s stopping you then it sounds like it could be that. It’s gets easier, that’s for sure.

Few typos in there. I apologise. Watching the younger child with her feed. She’s on the floor and her tube and the machine gets dragged about and caught.

Okay then, there there OP have a nice pat on the head. Sit down with a brew then run a nice bath followed by and early night...... meanwhile the piles of washing will just get higher and the house dirtier, hey ho at least I was empathetic
The OP asked for advice and mine was to get of MN and get on with sorting her shit out instead of bellyaching about it on here.
Sorry I can't muster too much sympathy for someone who expected people to give up their free time so she can do bog standard housework!!!

Send an sos message out to friends and family, it doesn’t put anyone on the spot and the worst they can do is say no. I regularly look after my sister’s kids, they’re family and I adore them and I love her so am happy to help. I’ll offer if I know she’s knackered or I’ve got a couple of days off to take them off her hands but if she asked for help I’d know she really needed it and would happily help, Work permitting obviously, I’d also do the same for my closest friends. But if you don’t ask then they can’t agree to help.

I get that sometimes the whole picture seems overwhelming so you need to break it down into the most urgent of things and start from there. Bite size chunks is the way forward for now and you do have to accept it won’t all get done in an hour but room by room you’ll get there over time. I agree that DH needs to do his bit too, you’re both working all day so why should it be just you working in the evenings too?

Just ask. I would keep any of my friends or relatives children but I'm not a mind reader.

I do wish I had a couple of hours free to fold washing or sort socks whilst catching up on Call the Midwife or bake off.

I honestly don't think sitting on the sofa watching tv for a couple of hours whilst 'folding washing' or 'sorting socks' is going to make any significant inroad into what really needs doing in your house. Not forgetting your one hour of Swedish crime at 9pm.

Nor would I get a cleaner - they tend to expect a house to be tidy before they clean otherwise their time is taken up moving items from one place to another, since they obviously don't know where they belong.

If you do ask a relative/friend to look after your DCs I would suggest not mentioning the fact that you are jealous of them because they sat about eating over Christmas - it might piss them off - it would me.

Lots of people have given you advice and suggestions, hope one works.

I haven't read all the responses.

I sympathise with a house in need of organising and cleaning. You prioritise spending time with your dc, that's perfectly fine, but you cant be annoyed that no-one randomly offers to have your children. You made the choice to have children. Which means responsibility for them at all times. If you want them looking after you need to ask. And get your partner to help around the house if you need help. He might work long hours but it's his responsibility too. Or pay someone to clean your house for you.

(My house is not clean or tidy lately, certainly not as much as I'd like, I don't have the time or energy with a chronic condition currently flaring up, but I would rather spend the time playing or even watching tv with my dc than cleaning & I definitely am not a perfect parent. But I made the choice to become a parent, the only person required to support me with that is the other parent!)

Why on earth should they!

If you want their help, why not offer something in exchange? Maybe you have a skill that they would appreciate. But don't expect them to offer up their precious free time just because you feel hard done by!

Shocked by the number of people here who think you are unreasonable OP. My dad will be taking my two DCs out tomorrow so my husband and I can have a full day doing jobs around the house including painting, tidying garage, putting things on selling sites etc. He enjoys spending time with the children, we get our jobs done. It’s called a family. We help each other and want to spend time with each other.

You could try contacting HomeStart and see if they could help you in some way? As other posts have suggested most mums do the tidying when their children are asleep or watching children’s tv or a favourite dvd. It sounds like you have got into a bit of a muddle and need some support from family and friends or you could approach Home Start.