To be jealous of their free time

[ExtraPineappleExtraHam]

I know I was the one who decided to have two kids but I really need some help to clean my house. Things are at a critical level, climbing over mounds of clean and dirty washing to get into the bed, not able to shut dd's door due to toys and books, no room in fridge due to mountains of half eaten left overs. I just need a few kid free hours to do it and they don't nap.
All I can think of is that loads of my family and friends are just sat about at this time of year, eating. No one has volunteered to have them. Should I ask or do people want to relax at this time of year without a 2 year old and a 1 year old crashing about the place. I just feel so desperate to make the most of my few days off and I'm fed up of living in these conditions.

You have my sympathies OK, it sounds like everything has been getting on top of you. You won't be the first and you won't be the last to get into a situation that you can't cope with.

You have taken a great step to come on here for support, most comments have been unhelpful and downright rude. But we do have a lot of trolls and bullies on Mumsnet so pay them no mind. Amongst them we do have lots of helpful people so try and take some advice from the thread.

Have you ever heard of fly lady organising? It is meant to work wonders... www.flylady.net/

In terms of family, it is ok to ask for help, plenty people do.

I'm sure you are doing better than you imagine you are. Make a plan to tackle the mess and it will feel much less chaotic.

Best wishes.

@CheshireChat I don't have depression, I know this because I has it when I was on maternity and I'm so much happier now. I think that's why it's come back a little bit now I'm off work for a week. I need those 28 hours in adult company with actual praise and job satisfaction. I don't get any satisfaction from housework as it is immediately undone before my eyes!
Thanks for all the advice from genuine parents who struggle. I do try some of the things you've suggested but my kids won't sleep until 8 as their dad only gets home at 7.30 and I can't get them both asleep on my own. Any advice on how I might do this would be very welcome.
Also to all the 'peter perfect' parents who commented on what a slovenly lazy mess I am, I'd love for you to live my life for a day. I have two kids, both in cloth nappies, a partner whose out the house for 65 hours a week, a part time job, two cats and we're moving soon. I've got a lot on and when I get home from work, cooked tea, fed two kids, bathed them, done stories, teeth and bedtime, I finally get to sit down at 9. I need my one hour of Swedish crime to unwind before I go to sleep and it all starts again. I'm sorry if you guys need to use that hour to iron so you can brag to those less fortunate on mumsnet.

Op I'd suggest using disposable nappies if you're struggling with the laundry. Surely that would help?

It was only a suggestion to iron once they were in bed - with all due respect I do think you have come on for sympathy as any suggestions anyone makes, you think of a reason as to why you possibly cannot do that.

Many of us have lives just like yours - I have three kids and at one point not too long ago a 1 and 2 year old, job, DH that worked 6 days and pets etc.

You are not the only person in the world to have children!

Yes but it’s ok to feel overwhelmed sometimes too. When everything gets on top of you sometimes it’s too hard to see a way forward, even with suggestions.

I also think you have come on for sympathy. I was in exactly your position many years ago except I worked fulltime and my DH was rarely home before 9. No way was my house like that and partly because If I had let it I would have felt like I had lost all control. I find that if you do most housework at the weekend and tidy as you go along, then half an hour to 45 mins a day will keep on too of things. If your children are in bed by 8, then why don't you and your DH spend half and hour each on the house before you sit down together?

I understand that but I think battling back online isn't constructive. Post for advice by all means but at least be polite about the suggestions.

Maybe get the kids to chuck some things in a bin bag etc?

How old are they? I tend to set mine up in a room I wasn’t cleaning whilst I clean the other room. For instance, play dough in the kitchen while I tackle the living room, film or jigsaws in the living room while I tackle the kitchen. Dirty washing takes minutes to pop into the washing machine. If you don’t have time to iron, just put it straight away and iron as you go. A washing basket to collect downstairs things to take upstairs.

She posted for advice and got abuse and patronising ‘helpful’ comments. Fucking ironing?! If you’ve got round to the ironing clearly every other job is done.

OP I would be more than willing to have any of my friends or family’s kids for a few hours in this situation, it’s just human bloody kindness. You’ll get through this stage.

Did I not thank people for the genuine suggestions?

I can't get them both asleep on my own. Any advice on how I might do this would be very welcome.

I used to put 2 yo in front of TV while I put baby to bed then put 2 yo to bed once baby asleep. If baby wouldn't settle fairly quickly then she had to yell for a bit while I did 2yo.

However my 2yo would stay in front of TV reliably, sounds like yours won't. (My dc2 won't so I get it). More difficult. Is your 2yo still in a cot, if so could you pop him in there with toys/books/a phone or tablet where he can see but not reach it?

Is your 1yo reliant on BF to get to sleep - if so I would work on sorting that as will make bedtimes much easier.

Alternatively if you can get the baby to nap somehow (buggy walk after lunch?) you might be able to put 2yo to bed first, I had a phase like this and had to try to occupy the 1yo while reading dc1 a quick story and kissing goodnight. (With hindsight should have used a travel cot for this bit). Then put 1yo to bed.

PS Mine are now 5 and 3, so much easier, and I still don't iron. And don't intend to.

I'm sympathetic. And nobody should ever be ironing at 9pm.

I know you say you can't get them to sleep on your own but can you put them to bed earlier, even if they don't settle straight away? So bath at 6.30, bed at 7. Leave to settle for half an hour whilst you have a run around. Do they cry? What does your DH do that settles them?

OP HAS said thank you for the suggestions which were offered without judgement!
It’s the smugness she’s objecting to, not the suggestions.
There’s not one of us gets it right all day every day, ffs if my house is spotless then I look like a dog’s dinner, or if I’ve done all the ironing in a day I haven’t cleaned the bathrooms, or if the children have parties in the run up to Christmas I’ve got them looking tip top but I probably haven’t hoovered that day.
And whatever the issue, when something overwhelms you, it feels impossible, whether it is or not, it still feels that way. So yeah, a bit of empathy for someone who is struggling isn’t a bad thing imo. I’ve been where OP is, and nasty/judgy comments make it a million times worse!

OP hang in there, I promise you it does get easier.

Just get on with it.

Don’t let it get like it in the first place.

I don’t understand threads like this.

I have two children.

My house is immaculate.

I don’t want a badge for it - I just clean/ tidy regularly. I work too.

Yes it’s hard work but I get on with it as I choose not to live in a messy house.

OP some of these things are through choice though. No one is forcing you to use cloth nappies, for example. Put cupboard locks on so the toddler can't trash the place.

@Itchytights ok, good for you. Please could you tell me how you do this?

It sounds like your kids are terrible sleepers and that must be awful.

What happens if your DH doesn't get home until very late?

Please could you tell me how you do this?

You just have to start somewhere. I set a timer for 10 minutes and go until it’s done. If you’ve managed to spend time on here, that’s time you could have spend with a bin bag or duster.

Ignore people you say don't let it get bad in the first place, you have passed that stage right now.

Concentrate on a task a day.

Today, get all the clean washing put away and all the dirty washing into a basket.

I think that cloth nappies are just too much work for someone who is struggling and I don't know if you could use disposables for maybe a fortnight until you get straight again.

Where do you live in the country?

Could you afford a cleaner? Even a couple of hours a week makes a decent dent and makes it easier to keep on top of.

As for people offering to help, it can be hard looking after young toddlers who don’t know you. I did take my nephew out while my kids were with their dad, but no way could I have managed his younger brother too.

And yes, don’t apologise for taking time out for yourself! The house will wait, don’t martyr yourself for a perfect house, you need to take care of yourself

Sorry, my post sounds like a criticism. I meant that it’s easy to think of cleaning as an all or nothing job but if you do a little bit here and there, that will get things sorted. I always put off starting because I think it’s a big job I can’t finish but you have to change your mindset to anything you can do will make it better.

Easy way to not iron at 9pm is to stop ironing. Just hang up or fold washing ASAP.

The house will wait, don’t martyr yourself for a perfect house, you need to take care of yourself

That’s all very well saying but the op’s house is getting her down. Taking care of herself means spending some time getting it sorted.

I was in your position OP - it just takes time... they get older, it gets easier...

What I found useful was "sorting out" - so - you know stuff has to go away - do you have somewhere to put it?

If not, is it because that somewhere does not exist, or is it because it is full?

Sort out the places where stuff has to go - 10 min on a wardrobe/set of drawers with a black sack for stuff to go to the charity shop, another for the recycling bin etc... then you have space to put the washing away.

Thank you so much to everyone for the encouraging comments, I've started folding and putting stuff in bags to put in storage before the move.
My partner isn't always supportive. He tells me that I go out with the kids too much, I think that they need to get out. It's not like they will just sit and watch telly whilst I clean. I always hope that I'll tire them out but I usually miss the essential nap hour and then have to keep them awake so they sleep at night. Either that or they sleep on the bus which is no use to me!
Not another excuse but I don't drive either so any stuff that's sorted out for charity just sits in my lounge until a family member takes pity on me and takes it to a shop! I've put loads of toys on FB for free this week but no takers, I guess everyone has enough toys!