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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 8year old DS home alone?

513 replies

Dailybastardmail · 26/12/2017 17:23

After relocating for my STBX and him promptly leaving me and DS, we have no support network at all, really struggling for money and I have to find new employment (had been freelance)

Firstly, DS is a really sensible boy and has no problem fending for himself when I’m working (from home), has lots of indoor interests he busies himself with and knows what not to do.

Basically my AIBU is how unreasonable would it be to leave DS in bed on school holidays only, go to work for 6am (job is 15min drive away) and be home for 11am?

He will be asleep for at least 3 hours and has no issue with the idea himself.

OP posts:
RunningOutOfCharge · 26/12/2017 18:32

A sleeping 4 year old whisked away.....

Yeah. Could never happen to a sleeping 8 year old could it Hmm

Original poster
Dailybastardmail · 26/12/2017 18:32

That’s helpful wellbanana, thank you.
Take note running, your posts are ridiculous and unhelpful.

OP posts:
danTDM · 26/12/2017 18:33

Umm the couple in Portugal left the 4 year old in charge of two babies FFS with the door open, at night.

Jeez.

RunningOutOfCharge · 26/12/2017 18:33

Do I care? No.... I'm not the one who has such disregard for my kids

ElephantsandTigers · 26/12/2017 18:34

Move back to your support network?

Original poster
Dailybastardmail · 26/12/2017 18:36

I do really appreciate the kinder posts, so genuinely, thank you.

Ex is hiding earnings, never married so another stark MN warning to anyone reading this. He’s left us totally fucked, soon to be either homeless or squatters and turned a once well regarded and loving mother into someone who has to contemplate things I never would have (needed to) before.

OP posts:
Tessermee · 26/12/2017 18:36

Yes he will most likely be fine but you don’t know he’ll be fine. What if there is an emergency, something happens in the house, he has an accident etc etc I know the chance is small but you cannot guarantee he will be able to cope. It’s a big risk to take with someone so very precious. Personally no way I would ever take that risk with an 8 or 9 year old, even a very very sensible one. I just couldn’t live with myself if something happened.

Have you thought about asking parents of one of his friends? Maybe do a reciprocal arrangement where you a have their kid for a few hours?

Cheerybigbottom · 26/12/2017 18:37

He’s far too young, if I found out my neighbours 8 year old was being left from 6am-11am, 2/3 days a week I’d feel the need to inform someone. It’s far too young, far too long. I understand you’re up shit creek but this is not a safe option.

For your reflection, I made toast at 9am ish one Saturday. Wandered off to the next room and came back to a toaster and nearby microwave in flames. What would an 8 year old do in that situation? Cos I bloody panicked.

danTDM · 26/12/2017 18:38

Running you think the OP isn't doing this FOR her child FFS.

It's ideal, not a night shift (obvs a no no) not all day (obvs a no no) Not every day, back by 11am, most of the time asleep.

formerbabe · 26/12/2017 18:39

No you really can't do this.

My ds is nearly ten and I wouldn't contemplate leaving him alone at home for any period of time.

Natsku · 26/12/2017 18:40

Hell of a lot harder to whisk away a sleeping 8 year old, they're a lot bigger, heavier, and much more able to fight back. Plus of course the chances of a stranger breaking in to whisk away a sleeping 8 year old are astronomically small.

Popchyk · 26/12/2017 18:41

I feel for you. Not something you would normally even consider.

Are the debts in joint names or just his name?

Do you rent your home or own it? If rented, is the tenancy in both names? Does the landlord know that he's gone?

I know you don't want to, but it is probably worth checking out which benefits you are entitled to. Start a new thread on here, people will be able to advise on that aspect.

steff13 · 26/12/2017 18:42

A sleeping 4 year old whisked away.....

There are lots of people who don't believe that happened...

OP, do you have a neighbor who could watch him? It maybe he could sleep over with a friend or friends on those nights.

FindoGask · 26/12/2017 18:43

I was regularly 'in charge' of my 3 year old brother for hours at a time at the same age: it wasn't ideal but we were OK.

My eldest is 10 now and I've left her for short stretches at home on her own for about 1-2 hours at a time. She has my mobile on speed dial and strict instructions about what to do in various eventualities. This is within my own comfort range but I know I couldn't leave her for any longer than that, it just wouldn't sit right with me.

Charolais · 26/12/2017 18:44

I would do it. I’m from a different era though. I grew up in a time we weren’t wrapped in cotton wool.

HamishBamish · 26/12/2017 18:47

No, I wouldn’t. 8 is far too long to be left alone. My 9 (10 yrs in Feb) is very sensible, but I would consider leaving him.

I understand it’s very difficult though, especially as you have no support.

danTDM · 26/12/2017 18:48

I'm amazed people wouldn't leave their 10 year old. I honestly would have NO issue with my daughter by the time she is ten, she'll be walking to school on her own which is FAR more dangerous.

crunched · 26/12/2017 18:52

This would never have been an issue a few years ago but the current parenting trend dictates that children are incapable of any sort of self care and responsibility until they are old enough to vote.
Posters saying ' times have changed'. Surely only in the way that 8 year olds will now have constant access to phones as will, no doubt, op, even when at work.
I loved the hour or so I had at home alone at that age, I think most of my contemporaries were 'latch-key kids'.
Still, not ideal, and I would have tried to avoid it but op is just trying her best.

DotForShort · 26/12/2017 18:53

I think it's too young. Usually I chuckle at the posts on MN of the type "AIBU to leave my 16-year-old alone for seven and a half minutes?" But in your situation, for an 8-year-old to be alone for so long is not something I'd be comfortable with.

I'm very sorry you are facing tough times, OP. No practical advice but here's hoping things look up for you in 2018.

Tessermee · 26/12/2017 18:54

I don’t think people wrap their kids up in cotton wool, I think they just don’t take as many unnecessary risks with them. We are just a lot more aware of the risks these days and guard against them which is understandable as our children are precious to us. Different parents have different levels of risk they are prepared to take which is fine within reason. It is where exactly that line is that is being debated here.

SandLand · 26/12/2017 18:55

Round us, we have week long (sports mainly) camps which run in school hours in the holidays. They are, iirc, about £30/week. Could you switch to 5 days one week, 0 days the next in the holidays, and continue with up the current hours? Or is it just that the standard shifts aren't available in the holidays?

TentUpFirstBunkUpLater · 26/12/2017 18:57

I was always left alone at home when I was that age. We were skint so my parents were both working - think 1970s

Maybe the times were more innocent, but I was fine

agree @charolais

FlashTheSloth · 26/12/2017 18:57

YABU. But given you are certain you feel he will be fine, you are clearly going to do it anyway. And for the poster who said he's practically 9, no he isn't, he was 7 3 months ago. I have a nearly 10 year old, as in next month and I wouldn't leave him for 5 hours at a time, in bed or not. It's irresponsible and yes, it is neglect: "Neglect is the ongoing failure to meet a child's basic needs and is the most common form of child abuse. A child may be left hungry or dirty, without adequate clothing, shelter, supervision, medical or health care. A child may be put in danger or not protected from physical or emotional harm.

missmapp · 26/12/2017 18:57

Could you join up with friends to share child care in the holidaus. I am a teacher and do this for a friend, she has my dc on inset days. Any chance that could work? Or look at holiday clubs, they are quite reasonably priced but may not start early enough for your work

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/12/2017 18:58

Too young and above all too long, OP. Sorry.

My eldest had just turned 9 when I started leaving him for 20 min. I first left the eldest and middle one alone together when they were 10 and very nearly 8. That was for about an hour. They're now 12 and 10 and I'll happily leave them (together or the 12yo alone) for up to about 2 hours or so, but I prefer not to leave the 10yo quite that long (1-1.5h is enough, I think) and wouldn't even be hugely keen on leaving the 12yo for 5h. I don't think this is a possible solution for you until he's in secondary, really. It does sound very hard Flowers