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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 8year old DS home alone?

513 replies

Dailybastardmail · 26/12/2017 17:23

After relocating for my STBX and him promptly leaving me and DS, we have no support network at all, really struggling for money and I have to find new employment (had been freelance)

Firstly, DS is a really sensible boy and has no problem fending for himself when I’m working (from home), has lots of indoor interests he busies himself with and knows what not to do.

Basically my AIBU is how unreasonable would it be to leave DS in bed on school holidays only, go to work for 6am (job is 15min drive away) and be home for 11am?

He will be asleep for at least 3 hours and has no issue with the idea himself.

OP posts:
GingerbreadMa · 28/12/2017 18:39

Its not vitriolic to let you know that this will be considered neglectful by many. And your child will either have to be complicit in actively decieving people about your situation, or face concerns being escalated.

Calling the scenario neglect is not calling you unloving or uncaring. Your situation is very difficult and increasingly common. There are lots of kids being neglected who have good parents who are short on choices due to poverty etc. Its not nasty. Its just the bleak reality.

OP I wish I could offer you an easy solution but I realise that if there was one you would have explored it already. Not everyone has trusted or willing neighbours etc. I do feel for your situation, but also fear you may ultimately make life harder for yourself if you do this

Middleoftheroad · 28/12/2017 18:39

Lots of emphasis on SS here, but surely the main issue should be the safety of that child and how they would feel and react im the event of an issue or crisis. On those grounds alone the decision should be obvious.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 28/12/2017 19:01

Why is it so ambiguous?

That's pretty obvious really, because if they set an age of 10, for example people wouldn't use their judgement and more would be at risk as people would misinterpret. As some 10 year olds are more mature than others. And some scenarios are different to others.

I really think some people are weird about this - my neighbour lets her 10 year old rampage around the area unsupervised but then when he had tonsillitis she wouldn't leave him in the house for 20 minutes while she did the school run, she shipped him into the car in his PJs.

I'd leave my nearly 9 year old for up to 30 minutes sitting watching telly on the sofa. I'd give her very strict instructions not to answer the door. But then she probably is fairly sensible. I wouldn't leave her for the length of time in the OP though. It's interesting someone mentions twins, I'd be more worried not less worried with 2, I think more can go wrong actually.

But the NSPCC are right I think for 12 as an estimate for significant length of time. I think with work etc as well what happens the day the child doesn't want to be left? So I'm far from hysterical but it's a no from me.

swingofthings · 28/12/2017 19:09

Neglect is about the effect/potential effect on the child, not the intent behind the neglect
Of course, but because we are talking about potential effect, how is this measured? Out of interest, how would this be assessed? Would they interview the child, family, school, neighbours and then decide on which basis?

Let's assume OP is reported, the child goes with the police officer, their grandparents called to be picked up and an investigation is started. How long would that be expected to take?

ps: no personal interest, my two are teenagers now, but they were both considered very mature and did many independent things earlier, some times much earlier than their friends.They are now confident teenagers reading to be young independent adults.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 28/12/2017 19:14

Personally i think hes to young to be left for that long.
If he happened to be alone for that period he would probably be fine, but when its a regular thing the chances of difficulties are increased.
He is also likely to notice and react to the reduced level of supervision in a way that atm you wouldnt suspect.

Also, im in my late 40s but we wouldnt have been regularly left at that age

Debbie73 · 28/12/2017 19:19

Although I don’t do it with my DS I know plenty who do , the neighbour left their son of 8 just the other day to do an airport run . I was left at home when I was a kid , those were the days without mobiles so contact was impossible .
I suppose it depends on the child and how responsible they are . To be honest , my son is 8 , I’m more worried when he starts coming home himself in 2,3 years time . There’s a lot more problems then , roads , gangs paedos . I shudder at the prospect .

Fleshmechanic · 28/12/2017 20:15

I think a simple no here suffices, it's obvious why. Definitely neglect. I understand if you're absolutely desperate but it's still gotta be a no. Is there no close friend of his from school who's parents might be willing to have him stay over during those times? If you explained you're really desperate and provided meals, picked both children up the next day and took them to school etc?

Mumto2two · 29/12/2017 11:15

Was this really a serious question? Shock

Original poster
Dailybastardmail · 29/12/2017 15:35

Was this really a serious question?

No it was one of those jokey threads, ya got me 🙄

OP posts:
Ivymaud · 29/12/2017 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmilyfromLondon · 29/12/2017 19:16

the current parenting trend dictates that children are incapable of any sort of self care and responsibility until they are old enough to vote.
I was reading on here yesterday about a mother who took her 17 year old's phone off her at 9.30 every night

balsamicbarbara · 29/12/2017 19:38

It depends entirely on the kid and how mature they are. Shame on people saying it's "neglectful" by default as it's not always something people have a choice over.

Original poster
Dailybastardmail · 29/12/2017 20:07

I'm of the same opinion
Report it so?

Thanks again everyone for all the input, things are looking up on the financial front though I’m reluctant to count my chickens!

OP posts:
bridgetoc · 29/12/2017 20:50

A massive YABU from me. However I feel for you in your situation........

Jeanneweany · 30/12/2017 21:51

It is illegal. If anything happened to Him and you weren't around. Remember Madeline?

AlexaDoTheDishes · 30/12/2017 21:55

Well it quite obviously isn't illegal so no idea what you think you've contributed here

danTDM · 31/12/2017 10:48

The whole point, no matter what anyone says, is It is not illegal

What about M? Her parents were not sent to prison? And she is most probably dead.

The OP's child is not 4, not left with 2 babies with the door open, at night, in unfamiliar surroundings. Idiot.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 31/12/2017 13:00

the current parenting trend dictates that children are incapable of any sort of self care and responsibility until they are old enough to vote.

Bollocks. It's unreasonable to suggest that not leaving an eight year old alone whilst you go out to work is synonymous with that sentiment.

I was reading on here yesterday about a mother who took her 17 year old's phone off her at 9.30 every night
So what? Probably quite a good idea. 17 year olds are not given to making good lifestyle choices and there are definite advantages to being phone free throughout the night. That doesn't mean the same 17 year old is incapable of any self care or reasoning skills. We don't prepare children for the world simply by letting them get on with it.
It's one thing to disagree with a position, to state your opinion that a child can be left alone regularly, but quite another to try to ridicule other people's decision making because it doesn't match your own.

Fanjoferrets · 31/12/2017 18:06

It really confuses me when people say that X, Y and Z happened when they were a child so it must be okay now?
Yes, there was a time that under 7s were left at home alone but homes and communities were different too. I definately don't remember so many stories of exploding technology back then for starters so a kid"s ability to cross a road safely doesn't mean that they act perfectly in every other situation.
Plus, like others have mentioned history is written by the survivors.... being left alone is rarer so we don't hear of negative consequences as often but it doesn't mean they don't exist.
It must be a really shit situation to be in to consider it but gawd i would have to be beyond desperate to do it. I am speaking with the experience of having a very sensible child who we have been teaching to be independent and self sufficient wherever possible - but they still fuck up because they are a kid, they are learning, and can have their judgement seriously impaired during hormonal swings

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/12/2017 20:51

Yes, there was a time that under 7s were left at home alone but homes and communities were different too. I definately don't remember so many stories of exploding technology back then for starters so a kid"s ability to cross a road safely doesn't mean that they act perfectly in every other situation.

Well rather than a tiny chance of exploding technology there were gas lamps and open fires. Homes were a hell of a lot more dangerous in the past, but attitudes to risk have changed and we are more risk averse than we used to be.

Finlaggan · 31/12/2017 21:01

Your strategy of taking the job & trying to come up with a better solution sounds like a great start. Don't panic, you have time to try and find an alternative solution.

I have a very sensible 8.5yo and I wouldn't do it, easy to say as I'm not desperate, but I wouldn't trust her to know what to do should a difficult or unsafe situation arise.

Good luck and I hope you find a way that means you don't need to make this decision.

missiondecision · 31/12/2017 21:24

Don’t do it. I feel for you, I really do because I have no support either. But...
things go wrong, if he was asleep and anything where to happen, you would never forgive yourself. Forget ss and morality police for moment, you would not forgive yourself if something went wrong because he was too young to work out what to do.

SofiaAmes · 31/12/2017 21:47

I have just trudged through 10 pages of comments, judgements and sheer nastiness and not once did a single person offer to help. Is this what our society has come to? I wish I could help, but live in the USA. However, I think it's likely that there are Mumsnetters in your area and maybe you could set up a babysitting co-op with them. My cousin did this when her son was young as she was a single parent and couldn't afford childcare. I have friends with whom I have a reciprocal "I'm in a bind can you look after my kids" arrangements.

Perhaps you could give an idea of the part of the UK you are in and people could private message. It's also wonderful that you are thinking of this so much in advance so that you can figure something out.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 31/12/2017 23:09

sheer nastiness?
really?

bonfireheart · 31/12/2017 23:58

Leaving your child in the care of a stranger that you met online is not to be encouraged.

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