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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How batshit do I need to go?

233 replies

anotherBadAvatar · 26/12/2017 13:54

xmas Day at DM’s house yesterday- me, DH, DD1(3yrs) and DD2(6m).

She has a dog I’m not overly fond of. It’s neurotic, highly strung and not fabulously behaved. We have a dog too, for the record, so I’m not anti-dogs at all.

DD1 got v close to DM’s dog face yesterday, saying “hellooo doggy”, but not touching her, and the dog bit her lip. Not terribly, but there was no warning, and poor DD was understandably hysterical afterwards. I had just told DD1 to leave the dog alone when it happened.

This was not the first time DM’s dog has nipped DD1. The last time, she was about 18m old, when she grabbed the dog’s back to steady herself.

DD1 is used to dogs, and I know I should have kept her away from the dog, especially knowing it’s history, but it all happened so quickly. DM didn’t even offer an apology.

We’re back at home now, would I be U to tell her the children are never to be around her dog again?

OP posts:

Straycatblue · 26/12/2017 16:34

This was not the first time DM’s dog has nipped DD1. The last time, she was about 18m old, when she grabbed the dog’s back to steady herself.

YABU,

The only person to blame here is yourself, you knew that your mums dog struggles around people (Im deliberately using the word struggles as the dog isnt sitting there planning to bite people, its stressed , you know the dog struggles and YOUR child on both occasions under Your supervision has invaded its space)

You allowed your child to aggravate the dog on both occasions and are acting as if its some sort of suprise that the dog nipped her.

YOU should be apologising to your mum and your daughter for not keeping her safe and stop making life difficult for the poor dog by having an annoying toddler torment it.

(you might think your toddler is adorable but sounds like she is in this this poor dogs face literally being incredibly annoying. You are the irresponsible one in this scenario )

CocaColaTruck · 26/12/2017 16:37

Insist that the dog is shut away when you visit. It's a;most impossible to watch 2 small children all the time and you shouldn't have to.They should be safe in the home of their grandparents. The dog is untrustworthy and needs to be shut away when you call.

Veterinari · 26/12/2017 16:38

OP you REALLY need to educate yourself about stress behaviours in dogs. There’s a useful resources thread in the doghouse which you should check out.

Your DC behaved in an incredible aggressive and threatening manner (in dog language) and a bite in this situation was almost inevitable considering your child’s behaviour. Why on earth did you allow it to happen?

Wolfiefan · 26/12/2017 16:44

I doubt OP is coming back. Sadly.

BertrandRussell · 26/12/2017 16:45

“The only person to blame here is yourself, you knew that your mums dog struggles around people“

Which is why the dog owner should take responsibility for her own dog.

FrancisCrawford · 26/12/2017 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 26/12/2017 16:46

I don't think the OP and perhaps her family are aware of proper dog and child safety, that's the problem - not that this dog is neurotic as such. It's obviously not used to children and if it's poorly trained as well then it won't have much impulse control.

A toddler shouldn't be in a position where they're pulling up on a dog, that can be painful as an adult human who understands they're a baby, a dog wouldn't necessarily understand.

Same way that if you were sitting on the floor and a dog you don't know very well was allowed to come and bark and lick in your face, you'd probably instinctively push them away, even if it hurt them.

The dog is communicating very clearly that it doesn't want small children to lunge at it randomly and it hasn't actually done anything unexpected! The problem is the adults just expecting the dog to be fine with this treatment.

RunningOutOfCharge · 26/12/2017 16:46

You don't go 'batshit'.... this was you fault

Keep your kid under control maybe?

BertrandRussell · 26/12/2017 16:49

I consider myself entirely responsible for my dog’s behaviour. Yes, the op should have manager her child differently, but I bet there isn’t a single parent who hadn’t Taken their eye off the ball when looking after small children. The owner is ultimately responsible.

worridmum · 26/12/2017 16:51

So its always the dog owners fault lets change the sernero a bit.

A young child say 3 or 4 decides thats its a great game to be physically threating or aggressive to a 5 year old child that has sen the child with sen reacts with violence to the slightly younger none sen child.

Who is responsable?

wheresthel1ght · 26/12/2017 16:52

Not the dogs fault or your dm.

You are to blame for both incidents.

Kid grabbed dog and startled it, it nipped. Your fault. You should not have allowed an 18 month old close enough to the dog. And 18 months is more than old enough to Understand.

Kid ramming face in dogs, dog stressed and scared and nipped. Again you are at fault.

You cannot blame your dm or her dog for your inability to parent your child

RunningOutOfCharge · 26/12/2017 16:55

bertrand op had already warned the kid to back off!!

Op didn't take her eye away for a second.... she actively watched it all unfold

FrancisCrawford · 26/12/2017 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GinIsIn · 26/12/2017 16:57

You didn’t supervise your child around a dog you already knew to be a biter. This is entirely your fault.

GingerbreadMa · 26/12/2017 17:01

You sound wet!

I wouldnt have just "told" my 3yr old to leave a nervous dog alone, I would have physically made sure she did (pick her up, move her, distract her"

"I told her not to" FFS. Wet.
This is YOUR fault. Not your DMs not your DDs and not the dog's fault.

RunningOutOfCharge · 26/12/2017 17:02

Spot on ginger

rjay123 · 26/12/2017 17:09

OP - AIBU
Everyone - yes. It’s your fault
OP - never to return again

TatterdemalionAspie · 26/12/2017 17:10

The issue is with the dog being present and unreliable around children.

No... the issue is that no child should be able to get into a position where it is behaving in a way that a dog interprets as threatening. That is the responsibility of the adult in charge of the child. Even a 'reliable'/'bomb-proof'/'docile'/however you want to describe it dog will be uncomfortable with someone pulling its fur or invading its space. Whether or not the dog reacts as it would with another dog, or inhibits its reactions, will depend on the dog's nature and degree of socialisation, and a whole host of other things (whether it's in pain, or was asleep, or whatever). Nevertheless, any dog could growl/snap/nip or actually bite in these circumstances. It's up to the parent to stop the child being in that situation.

Most people don't understand, or choose to ignore, dogs' stress signals and warnings, and then are surprised when they behave like, well, dogs!!

MintyChops · 26/12/2017 17:10

OP won’t be back, she has been (rightly)told that this is a situation she should have managed better and the resulting bite was all her fault when she actually wanted to be told to go bananas at her mum and that it was all her mum’s fault.

If you do come back, YABU.

CocaColaTruck · 26/12/2017 17:12

I can't believe some posters are equating dogs with children. Madness.

Dogs that can't be trusted should be shut away from vulnerable children.. Full stop. They aren't as important. People need to get a grip.

Busybusybust · 26/12/2017 17:13

My dog is the sweetest, most laid back doggie you could wish to meet. Seriously everyone who meets him adores him (very pretty breed too). But there is no way I would let babies/toddlers too near him. It’s just not sensible, particularly as you knew the dog was ‘highly strung’.

Your fault OP.

stitchglitched · 26/12/2017 17:16

Do people really think it is normal for a dog to bite a child's face because the child gets close to it and says 'hellooo?' That isn't the sort of dog I think belongs in any household personally, and especially one where children might be present. OP is responsible for taking her children into a household where such a dog exists, but her DM is ultimately responsible for keeping a dog like that in the first place (or at least not locking it away in the presence of others).

PositivelyPERF · 26/12/2017 17:20

It's only a matter of time before your own lovely dog bites your child, because you're not teaching your little girl how to behave around dogs. If she thinks it's ok to go face to face with a dog, then it's YOUR fault. As her mother, you're in the best position to teach her as you already own a dog.

Your DM's dog didn't go seeking out your child, your child approached the dog, which you already know to have issues. Entirely your fault. I was bitten by my very small dog, this morning, because he's in a lot of pain. He can't have his arthritic painkillers, as he has an upset tummy. It makes him snappy. I take total responsibility for him. My youngest has SN and knows not to touch him, when he's in pain. The photo is from my little Yorkie crosses' bite a couple of hours ago, because he got in a state.

Todayissunny · 26/12/2017 17:24

3 year olds are known to not be great at obeying parents because they need to explore the world for themselves . Not reasonable to expect anyone to watch their kids 100% of the time - that wouldn't be normal. It could have been the baby that did something the dog objected to. A grumpy dog that can't tolerate kids should be put somewhere out of the way where it can't be disturbed while child visitors are there. Irresponsible of the dog owner. If I was op I would have been furious. A nip in the face this time could be worse next time and might be done to a stranger.

RunningOutOfCharge · 26/12/2017 17:24

cocacola how about these 'vulnerable children' are disciplined and removed ( or the dog removed) from the situation by a responsible adult ( ooooh dunno, could be its parent for example) before the poor dog is teased and poked enough into retaliation?!!?

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