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AIBU?

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Original poster

Angry at friend about abortion and the situation she’s put me in?

322 replies

BornInSydneyy · 26/12/2017 11:07

My friend has had numerous abortions. All with the sane boyfriend .., I’m guessing about 8 at this point.

I try not to judge because I’m very pro choice. But I don’t agree with abortion as a form of contraception .. it’s very conflicting.

She’s now lied to family members that I’ve gone with her to support her during the abortion and I’ve had her family messaging me about it ... this all happened in the space of 10 minutes! ... I’m so angry. I want nothing to do with the lies, aibu?

OP posts:
BabsCabsIsLocal · 27/12/2017 15:19

No one ever really cares about the mother. I bet she hasn't had the necessary support and therapy to deal with losing her babies either.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/12/2017 15:21

And much more should be done? Setting her up with a 24 live in carer? Gamble with the futures of her children until their lives are past the point of no return?

AccrualIntentions · 27/12/2017 15:21

I don't know this became about NHS costs because we don't even know if they were on the NHS. Plenty of women have abortions privately. I'd hope they haven't been on the NHS because you'd hope if they had been it would have triggered some kind of support once a woman got to abortion number 8...

olebiscuitbarrel · 27/12/2017 15:21

For those banging on about cost - many women who are in this country semi-legally find that they can have an NHS provided abortion for free, yet are informed they will be landed with a massive bill for maternity costs. It is clearly much cheaper for the NHS to provide an abortion however in many cases abortion doesn’t solve the underlying problem of unwanted pregnancy, given that no method of contraception is 100% or retroactive.

It’s a massive scandal that many women are financially coerced by the government into abortion, under the banner of choice.

I know of people who have had multiple abortions after having 2 kids, thanks to financial pressures like lack of WTC for those with more than 2 kids. People who would ideally have liked that 3rd or 4th child but are shit scared of penury.

This is one of the many concerns I have about abortion, it’s used as a sticking plaster for much deeper social problems. How about supporting women and families so that abortion is not the only option they have? And yes, presuming the OP is genuine, then there seems to be a issue with safeguarding unless her friend has gone to different clinics or lied to medics about her history.

AccrualIntentions · 27/12/2017 15:22

the necessary help and support simply doesn't exist

There's a limited amount the system can do if someone is refusing a mother and baby placement, surely.

BabsCabsIsLocal · 27/12/2017 15:24

Whatever it takes to heal a broken person, Lass. But no one cares about her, like she has no value only her children do. This is a horrible world.

juddyrockingcloggs · 27/12/2017 15:25

Well done OP, you dropped a little firecracker into proceedings today eh?

Abortion. We all have our own unique positions on it. In fighting and calling each other names is hardly the way to move forward. I specifically don't offer my opinions on it in public because it will always ignite an arguement in someone else with differing views. But, after all is said and done. It's legal and a woman can choose.

BabsCabsIsLocal · 27/12/2017 15:27

It's more than a mother and baby place, it's all the horrors before that and all the love missing in the world. Just please don't dehumanise the mothers and place it all on them when we (collectively) turned out backs long before there was a baby on the scene

CatchIt · 27/12/2017 15:27

Yanbu, I had a friend that did this, I think she had about 5. She just said she was very fertile and kept forgetting to take her pill. I did suggest some other forms of contraception but she said she couldn’t be bothered.

Whilst I do agree that an abortion is a woman’s choice, to use it as a form of contraception is particularly distasteful.

CatchIt · 27/12/2017 15:28

Eta she never asked me to lie and a few years later she did have a child.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/12/2017 15:29

I know of people who have had multiple abortions after having 2 kids, thanks to financial pressures like lack of WTC for those with more than 2 kids. People who would ideally have liked that 3rd or 4th child but are shit scared of penury

I'm sure there are many people who would like 3 or 4 children but who can't afford them. Why on earth should any state provide support to allow people who can't afford 4 children to allow them to have them anyway? It is not as if the world is running out of people.

Contraception if used properly, particularly if more than 1method is used is very effective. People who have had "multiple abortions" might perhaps consider using one or more reliable methods.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/12/2017 15:30

There are an awful lot of people on this thread who seem to struggle to understand what pro-choice means.

Free, safe and on demand.

You can't be a little bit pro-choice. If you seek to restrict the number of abortions a woman has then you aren't pro-choice. You're merely 'pro stuff that suits my moral code.'

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 15:32

he tells me he wants to speak with his higher ups at work and discuss the potential to work days instead of nights, or half nights and half days
Yes as a matter of fact I am and indeed, I am tired of people eating like pigs, smocking and the rest, and then expect the NHS to pick up the cost.

However, preventing pregnancy is much more straight forward, and indeed, the vast majority of women do manage it.

I wonder how posters felt if someone posted that they got £500 each time they stopped smoking, and that they have now started again and decided to stopped again 8 times, getting £500 each time for it. Would cost not matter?

Even then I would have more sympathy (and I don't have that much for smokers in the first place) because it's much harder to stop smocking then it is to use contraception.

Just to make it clear, I am not against abortion and would support a friend needing one 100%, what I have an issue is with those who use it as a method of contraception. Although I still don't believe the OP!!

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 15:36

It’s a massive scandal that many women are financially coerced by the government into abortion, under the banner of choice.
Funny how those women who seem to fall pregnant as a result of contraception failure all seem to be mothers relying on benefits.

I am 47, I have many friends/family members who have opted to stop having children years before the end of their child bearing age, or who wanted to wait before having children and not ONE, really, not ONE got pregnant whilst on contraception.

Yes, failure does exist, but I don't believe for a second that nature is so selective that such failure seem to affect those who rely on benefits so much more than those who don't.

Lizzie48 · 27/12/2017 15:36

I agree with you, Babs. I don't know what the answer is. The tragedy is, I know she loves her DCs. That's what I say to our DDs when they ask why they're not with her. It's heartbreaking.

My only reason for mentioning this is to point out that 8 abortions isn't great but what's the alternative??

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 15:37

Sorry wrong quote above, to be ignored :)

Reallytired17 · 27/12/2017 15:38

Babs sorry if I sound rude but I haven’t a clue what you mean!

MuseumOfCurry · 27/12/2017 15:52

I know of people who have had multiple abortions after having 2 kids, thanks to financial pressures like lack of WTC for those with more than 2 kids. People who would ideally have liked that 3rd or 4th child but are shit scared of penury.

You mean, they aim to have only as many children as they can afford?

LakieLady · 27/12/2017 16:02

The issue with the NHS costs is that it is really truly wasted because it is PREVENTABLE

A lot of NHS costs are preventable - many accidents, Type 2 diabetes, alcohol-related liver disease, a significant proportion of heart attacks/heart disease, some cancers. To use failure to prevent as a reason for not funding treatment is a very slippery slope imo.

bringbacksideburns · 27/12/2017 16:12

Have you come back to your thread OP?

I think you need to talk to your friend and maybe it would be a good idea to ask her if she wants you to accompany her to the doctor's to discuss alternative contraception. I don't think there is anything wrong with discussing your concerns with her. This has to be having an affect on her mental state.

formerbabe · 27/12/2017 16:15

It's not just the cost to the taxpayer, it's the cost to the woman herself. If she lives in the countryside, it could be very expensive for her just to travel to a big city to get the abortion, the time off work

Time off work? A couple of days I'd imagine...big deal! Compare that to how much time off you'd need for maternity leave.

Don't honestly pretend that you think an issue with abortions is how much time a woman has off work for one... it's completely irrelevant and also disingenuous.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/12/2017 16:20

You can't be a little bit pro-choice. If you seek to restrict the number of abortions a woman has then you aren't pro-choice

I'm not saying that. One might however ask a woman to start accepting some responsibility for her own life and perhaps take steps to avoid having so many abortions.

Lizzie48 · 27/12/2017 16:22

I think the point is, formerbabe, that looking into her method of contraception would be much better for the woman herself? Then she wouldn't have to worry about an unwanted pregnancy, would she??

Reallytired17 · 27/12/2017 16:25

But how, Lizzie?

When you have an abortion they do try and push you into contraception but if you say no, that’s that really isn’t it

Gwenhwyfar · 27/12/2017 16:25

"Compare that to how much time off you'd need for maternity leave."

But maternity leave is not the thing to compare it with. The thing to compare it with is this woman looking into her issues with getting pregnant and using contraception instead.