Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry at friend about abortion and the situation she’s put me in?

322 replies

BornInSydneyy · 26/12/2017 11:07

My friend has had numerous abortions. All with the sane boyfriend .., I’m guessing about 8 at this point.

I try not to judge because I’m very pro choice. But I don’t agree with abortion as a form of contraception .. it’s very conflicting.

She’s now lied to family members that I’ve gone with her to support her during the abortion and I’ve had her family messaging me about it ... this all happened in the space of 10 minutes! ... I’m so angry. I want nothing to do with the lies, aibu?

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/12/2017 12:42

Her partner needs to man up and use proper contraception

If this is true and the friend really is on her 8th abortion they both need to grow up and use proper contraception.

WickedLazy · 27/12/2017 12:51

"It’s crazy that in this day and age you can get to the point of having multiple abortions without some serious mental health follow up. For me, this is an obvious failure to pick up an adult that can’t cope with adult life and needs professional help."

^This.

olebiscuitbarrel · 27/12/2017 13:07

reallytired - I agree with your logic. Either abortion is always ok, or never is.

But you can still think that abortion is awful without believing women are baby killers or wanting to criminalise them for having one.

MuseumOfCurry · 27/12/2017 13:17

reallytired - I agree with your logic. Either abortion is always ok, or never is.

Totally agree.

Multiple abortions may be indicative of a chaotic existence, but at least she has the wherewithal to have an abortion rather than bring an unwanted child into the world and we don't need any more of these! Sweep around your own front door and all that.

BabsCabsIsLocal · 27/12/2017 13:45

Are you purposely being dense, ReallyTired?

Look at it this way: I think it's extremely important that homeless people have warm blankets, whilst still thinking it's preferable they aren't homeless in the first place! Questioning what is causing the rise in homelessness doesn't equate to taking away the blankets of someone in that difficult position.

Similarly, it's no contradiction to question why anyone ends up needing numerous abortions, whilst still defending their right to access one.

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 13:51

It's a lot easier to book an appointment to get the contraceptive pill or even better the implant than to book an appointment for an abortion.

In any case, BPAS, who are the main provider of abortions, both NHS and private and expected within their contracts with the NHS to counsel and offer the implant. I am not sure whether this is after a first abortion but certainly after a couple or so. Unless that person has mental health issues, or is in an abusive relationship, in which case you would expect the friend and family to react, or the abortion provider should have raised a concerns over safeguarding, there really is little excuse for repeated abortions.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/12/2017 13:54

"I do wish posters would stop going on about the cost of abortions to the tax payer. I don't know the figures but I'd imagine it's an absolutely miniscule percentage of NHS funds. Barely worth mentioning and I don't believe for a moment that anyone cares about the cost, it's just gives you another angle from which to criticize women."

It's obviously very wasteful to have abortions instead of contraception. It's not just the cost to the taxpayer, it's the cost to the woman herself. If she lives in the countryside, it could be very expensive for her just to travel to a big city to get the abortion, the time off work. Also, the cost to her body.

MuseumOfCurry · 27/12/2017 13:57

there really is little excuse for repeated abortions.

No excuse necessary.

Reallytired17 · 27/12/2017 13:57

I don’t think I am being purposefully dense, Babs! I absolutely agree that it’s fine to express concerns over why a woman might need so many abortions, but you cannot force somebody to take contraception.

Elendon · 27/12/2017 14:00

Abortions are taking tablets now and the vast majority are done before 10 weeks. Much more cost effective than giving birth in a hospital I would say.

Not to mention the 18 years and more of raising the child.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/12/2017 14:04

Not all abortions are the abortion pill are they Elendon?
We don't know at what stage OP's friend is having the abortions. I think it's quite possible she's not getting them done early enough.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/12/2017 14:05

"you cannot force somebody to take contraception."

As I've said before this person obviously has issues that mean she either subconsciously wants to get pregnant, but not have the child, or as others have suggested her partner won't allow her to have contraception. It's not likely that a lack of access to contraception is the issue as this would have been sorted by now.

Reallytired17 · 27/12/2017 14:05

Mine were both 9 weeks and were a surgical procedure but I didn’t need a GA.

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 14:11

Abortions are taking tablets now and the vast majority are done before 10 weeks. Much more cost effective than giving birth in a hospital I would say.
This is a pointless argument. If she'd given birth to the first, second, maybe even third, the likelihood is that she wouldn't have gone on to have the 8 children.

The issue with the NHS costs is that it is really truly wasted because it is PREVENTABLE. That's the part that is infuriating. Even a chemical abortion cost money because it's not just the cost of the pill, but the cost of the consultation, the scan, then the call to make sure all is ok, and then the complications, having to go again etc...

Googling cost of abortions to the NHS is just utterly depressing. One quotes 1 million a WEEK on REPEATED abortions. Even if these figures are exagerated, what an utter waste of funds by women who can't be bothered to PREVENT it happening in the first place.

Reallytired17 · 27/12/2017 14:19

Just women, right?

Lizzie48 · 27/12/2017 14:22

The problem is, if ever anyone dares to suggest that 8 abortions are excessive and the woman could have sorted out the contraception, you're accused of wanting to attack women. It's impossible to say anything negative about the subject without being lynched.

It may not be the hospital that's to blame either. They may have tried to talk to her about contraception. But you can't make someone behave in a certain way. My DDs' birth mother will probably go on having babies that she can't keep. She's had 4 babies and 2 still births so far, and no doubt she's been advised about contraception, with the amount of SS involvement she's had.

It's really sad, but it is true that it's a good thing that there have been no actual babies born in the OP's scenario.

BabsCabsIsLocal · 27/12/2017 14:50

Sounds like we are on the same page then, ReallyTired. So your previous comments are baffling. Ho hum. ☺️
Lizzie What is heartbreaking and disgusting in that scenario is a mother who's had a crap life and not enough help to keep her babies. It makes me sick to hear you judge her for not using contraception, how dare she want to be a mother, eh? No doubt you'll claim she had a chance, but the dice was always loaded because the necessary mental health and support services just dont exist.

Lizzie48 · 27/12/2017 14:59

I don't judge her at all, I'm sorry it sounded that way. It's horribly sad and I'm going to have to explain to her DDs why she wasn't able to look after her. I do judge the system though, which let her down. She was in care as a child, and in 12 different care homes. She didn't have a chance.

FWIW, she wanted to have a mother and baby placement for my DDs' younger brother, but she wouldn't give up her abusive relationship as they were emotionally dependent on each other.

We're the ones who have to explain it to our DDs.

Lizzie48 · 27/12/2017 15:00

Sorry, that meant to say 'them' not her.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/12/2017 15:00

What a sanctimonious post Babs. The reality is as I'm sure Lizzie will know her daughter's birth mother will have been given chance after chance.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/12/2017 15:02

Lizzy , I don't think you sounded judgemental. You have been at the coal face here and seen the reality.

MuseumOfCurry · 27/12/2017 15:06

The issue with the NHS costs is that it is really truly wasted because it is PREVENTABLE. That's the part that is infuriating. Even a chemical abortion cost money because it's not just the cost of the pill, but the cost of the consultation, the scan, then the call to make sure all is ok, and then the complications, having to go again etc...

I wonder what perfect of medical interventions in the west are preventable? (I'd go so far as to say most).

Are you eating a plant-based diet and getting 5 or 6x45 minute sessions of vigorous exercise a week?

Lizzie48 · 27/12/2017 15:07

Thanks, LassWiTheDelicateAir, I certainly am at the coal face. Our DD1 has violent meltdowns as a result of her Attachment Disorder and I can't help feeling some anger at the birth mother, who then goes on to have another baby, and another! Yes, despite the advice she's received.

So that does mean that my view about the OP's friend's terminations is less judgemental than it would have been a few years ago.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/12/2017 15:16

I am not particularly bothered about the cost to the NHS. Today a poster on a thread about bf was making comments about the cost to the NHS of having to treat illness in formula fed children.

My response to that , was there are lots of things I don't do or which don't affect me but which other people do or which affects them which cost the NHS money; for example sports related injuries; infertility treatment; abortion. I don't go around complaining about these and say it is diverting funds from me.The NHS is swings and roundabouts.

That does not however prevent my thinking having 8 abortions is not a terribly good idea.

BabsCabsIsLocal · 27/12/2017 15:17

As I said in my post, she won't have been given a proper chance because the necessary help and support simply doesn't exist. Why didn't you take in that part of my post? She's been set up to fail by a cruel, uncaring society.

Swipe left for the next trending thread