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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody MIL

188 replies

silenceisadistantmemory · 25/12/2017 21:29

She's a walking apology. It's not even passive aggressive. When she asks which chair it would be ok to sit in, she really means it!

Only if you're having one.

May I have a shower please?

Everything is death and gloom and illness as well.

She's retired, loaded and physically ok for a woman her age.

ARGH!!!!

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 26/12/2017 11:18

Asking to use the loo?
No, only if you're a child in a class or something. It's embarrassing to have to ask to go to the loo and I wouldn't feel comfortable anywhere I'd have to do that. It's not as if they can say no is it?

PugwallsSummer · 26/12/2017 11:25

There is a marked difference between having good manners / being polite, and being an insufferable martyr though. If it's causing irritation to the hosts, it's likely to be the latter.

No one could possibly have an issue with someone simply being pleasant and polite.

The polite and well mannered response to "would you like a cup of tea" would be something along the lines of: "yes please, that would be lovely" or, "no thanks, I'm fine". Not a convoluted discussion over how much trouble it may be. To be honest, with close family, I'd prefer: "I'd love a cup of tea, shall I put the kettle on?"

RoseWhiteTips · 26/12/2017 11:26

Mumof56

omg she asks where to sit and if it's ok if she uses the shower

the bitch

Post 2 but it pretty much sums up this ridiculous thread. Lol

BackInTheRoom · 26/12/2017 11:30

@silenceisadistantmemory

I'm with you OP. Such draining behaviour. Just get on with it! If your MIL is uncomfortable, how about she does a bit of work to find out how to make things more comfortable for her, you and the rest of the household? When my MIL used to come to mine, she'd roll up her sleeves and muck in which was so much nicer than constantly apologising for possibly being a burden by not rolling up her sleeves and mucking in!

RainbowDashed · 26/12/2017 11:37

PugwallsSummer

There is a marked difference between having good manners / being polite, and being an insufferable martyr though. If it's causing irritation to the hosts, it's likely to be the latter.

and

EnidButton

I get it.

It's not just asking for a shower. It's almost apologising for breathing. And I am a very very warm and welcoming host. It doesn't come from a bad place but it's hard work.

That's what sums up this "ridiculous" thread to me

Whizziwig · 26/12/2017 11:38

Surely it's completely normal to ask if you can use the shower, in case anyone else was planning to use the bathroom? I even do this in my parents' house which I otherwise treat largely as a hotel.

My PIL are extremely polite. They only stay for a few hours even though they live 150 miles away and won't accept any food other than a piece of cake. I think it's a bit odd but know they're doing it because they genuinely don't want to put us to any extra effort. It's just the way they feel comfortable doing things so I accept it. I don't think they're being rude.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/12/2017 11:45

I'm not asking to use the loo. It's more of a statement that I'm going, I don't wait for a reply. Just getting up and going upstairs even in my sisters house seems rude to me. She does the same in my house.

Maybe we were brought up with manners?

Hulder · 26/12/2017 11:49

Asking to use the loo - if you are staying overnight in the home of the family member, are they going to say no?

I'd rather you just went to the loo quietly without making an announcement each time thanks. I'd don't need to know each time your bladder needs emptying Hmm

Hulder · 26/12/2017 11:52

GreatDuck are you sure this isn't a hangover from childhood when your DM needed to know when you wanted the loo to check you had wiped properly and washed your hands?

Am struggling to see manners as letting the rest of the room know about your bowels.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/12/2017 12:00

Like I've said it's more of a statement than a request. I'd do this whoever's house I was in just in case someone was using the bathroom. It's just courtesy.

Austentatious · 26/12/2017 12:16

Kerrist, my martyr in law is annoyed that the kids aren't opening every single present under the tree immediately but are playing with what they've opened so far "ph well perhaps they don't want any more presents, perhaps they're bored of presents"
Day 3, and still no offer to assist with anything but I have pointed to the kettle and made it clear that she can use it

CommonFishDiseases · 26/12/2017 12:22

We are talking about it here too! www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/3112853-thread-about-older-women-who-can-t-express-an-opinion

Hulder · 26/12/2017 12:29

Yes but just go to the loo. You are hardly going to be in there for hours. It's private. I don't want to know about your bodily functions.

Do you think Meghan Markle is currently asking the Queen if it's OK for her to go to the loo at Sandringham?

crispbuttie · 26/12/2017 12:37

Are you one of those bossy people that likes to tell themselves that they are assertive op? Your MIL has done nothing wrong!

GinisLife · 26/12/2017 13:01

When reading all the posts you wonder if some people have ever met a passive martyr like the OPs MIL. I can picture exactly how conversations go as I have an aunt like this. Never wants to be any trouble, never wants to put anyone out, will do the "would you like a cup of tea, only if you're having one" conversation. She's always the first in the kitchen washing up though as she feels like she has to earn her meal. A PP got it right, that you need to learn how to rephrase questions. Learn if she usually picks tea or coffee then make it a yes or no answer question. "I'm making tea for myself, do you want one". Work out where you'd want her to sit then tell her "we saved the seat next to DP for you" etc. Irritating though

papayasareyum · 26/12/2017 13:04

If I’m staying at someone’s house, even my own Mums house, I always ask if it’s ok to have a bath/shower. It’s called being polite. And if this is as bad as it gets with your mil, you’re very very lucky. I have to endure drunken arguing from my
Mum and all kinds of verbal abuse. I’d much rather have your mil

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/12/2017 13:17

Erm I'm not remotely interested what MM does when she needs a wee whilst at the Queens gaff.

RainbowDashed · 26/12/2017 13:32

It's death by a thousand cuts. Saying "I'm nipping to the loo, is that ok?" - fine, polite, no problem. "Is it ok? Really? Are you sure I'm not putting you out? I'll clean up after myself. I've brought loo roll. So sorry to have to ask.". Every single time, even when they're staying for a few days. Can you really not see how that would drive you insane after a while? No one's saying it's as bad as being abused, there's no comparison or competition here. Are we not allowed to moan about tedious behaviour?

WeaselsRising · 26/12/2017 13:50

I wish our visitors would ask if it was ok to bath/shower before they take over the only bathroom. We are on a water meter as well...

EnidButton · 26/12/2017 13:58

People who think the OP is unkind or unwelcoming etc have never ever experienced what she's talking about. If you describe the behaviour to anyone who hasn't seen or experienced it directly and for a very long time, it sounds like they're being lovely and helpful and are just a bit nervous. It would be very mean to feel annoyed at that. But it's not like that, it is relentless, you have to see it first hand I think.

EmilyChambers79 · 26/12/2017 14:05

To me, this is rude

I've seen similar posts on here where Mils are ripped apart for doing something in their child and dils house without asking.

Maybe she was asking if it was ok to go for a shower in case anyone else wanted a shower or if it was ok to sit somewhere in case it was someone else's chair.

How is that rude?

agedknees · 26/12/2017 14:22

My mil used to do this. If anything bad happened she would always say “well agedknees told me to drink poison, take the best chair/use the last of the milk/hot water. It is really draining.

Blessyourheart · 26/12/2017 14:26

It's rude to ask and keep asking.

Day 1: "Is it ok to have a shower?" Response "please do the second bathroom is for your use and we have unlimited hot water. Please make yourself at home".

Day 3 of having the same, endless conversation about using the bathroom is tedious and annoying. Add that ti tedious, Groundhog Day debates about which chair can be used, having a hot drink, whatever is not about being polite.

mommytoboo86 · 26/12/2017 14:46

I am the 'annoying' person who seems to do alot of ur heads in.
do u know y because as a child (when I say child I mean even when I was 9 years plus and quite capable of getting a glass of water myself) I had to ask permission to do everything including making a drink, leaving the table to use the bathroom, have a shower etc and I also was expected to apologise for everything like sorry makes it all better.
Now as a 31 yo I still ask my husband if it's alright to grab a bath/shower or even if it's ok to leave early/later to go shopping and I apologise for everything eve to the point if he says 'stop apologising' I will immediately without thought say sorry.
We went to visit his best mate a few weeks ago and despite the fact I have stayed there loads of times I still asked if it was alright to have a shower, make a cup of tea and if it was ok to use the cooker as dd was hungry. I am petrified of being seen as this rude woman who comes in and makes herself at home.
so yes personally I do think yrbu and if these r the only complaints then I would feel quite lucky instead my Mil phones me drunk asking me wen I'm going 2 give her another grandchild owing I can't have anymore children and even if I could it would physically disable me if not kill me or she will visit for 20mins give dd a whole selection box then say right I'm off or will say things to me and then lie through her back teeth to dh stating she never said that or the latest arrange to meet us when we go to dh home town for lunch then phone and say oh I'm having my hair done tomorrow can't u come to the pub to meet me tonight so we agree and then wait in the freezing cold for 20 mins wen she finally awnsers her phone she says 'oh I forgot I got a taxi home' 😠😠

EmilyChambers79 · 26/12/2017 15:04

Day 1: "Is it ok to have a shower?" Response "please do the second bathroom is for your use and we have unlimited hot water. Please make yourself at home

That's assuming everyone has a second bathroom for guests.

In a standard one bathroom house, how can it possibly be rude to ask if it's ok for a shower?!

DH has literally just asked "Is it ok if i go for a shower" not to be bloody minded or awkward but the fact there are three of us in the house and he wanted to make sure no one else was going to use the bathroom.

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