Bloody MIL

[silenceisadistantmemory]

She's a walking apology. It's not even passive aggressive. When she asks which chair it would be ok to sit in, she really means it!

Only if you're having one.

May I have a shower please?

Everything is death and gloom and illness as well.

She's retired, loaded and physically ok for a woman her age.

ARGH!!!!

Actually, my MIL is exactly like this. She will ask my permission to do anything. I've said to her straight out that she doesn't need to do that but she just continues. It grates but she's in her late 70s so she won't change now.

Although I find my DM equally annoying!!

I'm like this when I visit anyone, I genuinely just think that it would be rude to assume anything. Maybe after a while I would relax a bit and start doing things without asking for permission or being apologetic but that would depend on the hosts as well. Some places I feel relaxed and at home very quickly and some places never.

Isn't it just polite to ask? I would hate someone who just walked into my house like they owned the place. She may go a bit ott with the asking but this would still be a thread if it was the other way around and she just did everything without asking.

change the way you ask her things. so she can only say yes or no.
I am having a drink would you like one?
We have used the shower, any time you want to use it is fine, as it will be free till tonight.

Goodness Mummy, something just went Ping in my head. A real lightbulb moment. My MIL is just like the OP’s and it does go hand in hand with severe passive aggressive tendencies in her case... but my parents visited my PILs once and my DM still tells me now and then how formal and regimented it was.
‘We’ve had our baths, so you should have yours now.,’ is the classic example.
I also remember when we used to visit. There was rarely any real choice of food for breakfast, it was just served to you and so on. So maybe it really is all about how choices are presented. I guess if my MIL hates making choices, her idea of bliss would be not to be given any. Fascinating.

Op, with MIL, I get on famously for a few days, but towards the end of the visit it gets wearing. We have to take her home when she comes to stay. Two flights and a taxi ride. Every time getting on and off those moving walkways was a performance.I confess I may have had a couple of adulterated ‘tomato juices’ and an ‘orange juice’ or two on the way. It really helped. I think the suggestion originally came from Mumsnet. I don’t often drink, but there are times when it helps.

Your being a bit ridiculous op. Its perfectly normal to ask to use the shower in someone else's house, none of it actually sound like excessive manners. I can understand it might be mildly annoying but she's only trying to be polite! Its completely harmless, she's not being rude and tbh its quite obvious you don't like her so she's probably picking up on that! Its also normal for an adult man to hold his farts in around his mum? Thats not a sign of anything other than your dp having manners.
My grandma is like this and I really hope my aunt doesn't think of her in this way. It makes me sad to think people would find her so annoying when she's only trying to be kind.

Seriously- would people just go and have a shower in someone else’s house? I might if it was an en suite, bet even then i’d probably check the hot water situation...

I would in some places Bertand. Certainly at my parents’. Other friends who are very laid back about visitors.

YABVU, this is the way she was socialised, it is not her fault. Instead of being mad at her, try affirming her, every time.

Surely it's good manners to check if anybody else was thinking of having a shower too, so you can co-ordinate?

I don't necessarily agree with the too polite thing BUT my MIL is so nice and still annoys the hell out of me!

I get you OP. My Dad and his family are like this. It's exhausting and it causes unwanted anxiety when you have guests who can't and won't relax. My strategy is to do a kind of orientation speech when they arrive - "eat, drink and do what you like, here's X, Y and Z, please help yourself, don't feel you have to ask for anything, treat the place as your own" etc.

I'd always ask if I could use the shower, I've lived in many places and all have differences, like at my parents they have to switch the water heater on a couple of hours before, my current place I have to know the day before if I have guests as it turns on for set hours overnight, more than one shower I need water on longer. Common sense to double check or ask.

I am the type of person to ask if it's ok to sit, ok to do anything really. Today I managed to sit in my BIL seat by accident and got told off. I'm not a good person to be around, more of a burden that has to be invited than yay, goldilocks is coming round. I feel that constantly, that I'm not wanted, as much as I want to relax. I'm sure I annoy everyone no end but they get all het up if I decline the big things like Christmas so I'm stuck. They have to invite me or it'd look bad, I have to accept, and everyone hates it. Hearing my family talk about trips away and even mentions of having been shops last weekend- oh we wouldn't invite you, you'd just say no. Well yeah when someone says oh you complained you never get invited, so we have to invite you today- sure that's so tempting.

It's very hard knowing you are making people's days worse, and try to make it better by being unassuming and polite. Very hard. If I strode in like I owned the place and just assumed I could do whatever it would piss everyone off, if I act politely and don't just assume I can do whatever it pisses them off. And I'm always grateful and say thanks for inviting me there because I know I've made their day worse by being there so of course I'm grateful.

Why don't you try to be nice OP? She's trying not to step on your toes. I'd rather it that way than any other. Poor MIL. YABU

I agree. She's probably trying really hard to not do anything that might have her accused of taking over your home or being too entitled or presumptuous.

I have a horrible feeling that is she just sat where she wanted and showered when she wanted or said yes too readily to tea or decided to make you one instead, you'd be one of those women complaining

'Bloody MIL, expects me to wait on her hand and foot, treats my kitchen like it's her own, just plonks herself at the table in my place, doesn't bother asking, takes over the bathroom without thinking about whether the rest of us need hot water...'

It's always not easy for MILs to get it right, they can't win. Try to be less irritable with her and she might be able to relax and be less annoying.

My own DM mucks in and helps, she'd never be so cold and distant as this.

Well again, if you asked I am sure she'd be happy to help and feel involved. She properly doesn't dare just 'muck in' for fear of treading on your toes or doing it all wrong. People can be weirdly territorial in their own kitchens. If you don't just tell her or ask her what you'd like from her she's probably wary of being accused of taking over. It sounds like you want her to guess what she can and cannot do. It's like a trap.

I'm with you op, Yanbu.

The worst of it, for me, is the implication that if it truly is "just being polite" as various pp have said, then every fucking time she asks "is it OK if I sit here" then it's actually a statement about how rude and uncouth you are when you visit her house and just sit down on a sofa without gaining explicit and specific permission beforehand.

I think it's mandatory on here to adore your MIL- regardless of how much they drive you round the bend.

All families/homes have a culture or way of doing things. Unless it involves screaming and insulting each other, you'd think guests would at least try to fit in and not expect us all to change to suit the guest? We have done though.

More tea, Mrs Bennet?

Yes, I do sit on sofas without checking.

I make tea and shower in other peoples houses too.

Who has guests without expecting them to wash? If there was a problem with the quantity of water, surely you'd tell the guest as opposed to expecting them to ask permission every time!

I think you are causing issues where there doesn't need to be any.

And as for having to like MIL on mn. I read the opposite. Seems like they are the most hated group of people.

I am sure if mil took shower without asking, or done something without asking for permission, you would be moaning too. It just clearly states that you don't like her. She can never win. People who see the negatives rather than positives for everything is beyond me.

It is tiresome OP; don't think there's anything you can do about it.

It certainly isn't 'being polite' to repeatedly ask if you've been told multiple times that there's no need to ask.

I think your MIL is picking up the fact you don't like her so she is on edge and trying not to step on your toes which winds you up and the cycle begins and continues.

In the nicest way have you thought why she feels she has to ask to sit down, take a shower etc. Have you ever (unintentionally) ever made her feel unwelcome and unwanted. It is obvious she is not comfortable in your home and feels unwelcome so is there anything that could help her overcome that feeling.

Only you know the dynamics but there are worse things she could be doing so just imagine how she feels.

Perhaps she feels on edge. Try and make her feel more at home. She really doesn’t sound like a horrible MIL to me, just someone who is a bit anxious.

Oh FFS just be honest and admit you don't like the woman instead of scrabbling around for ways to make her perfectly reasonable behaviour something else.

How on earth do you make someone like that feel at home? Just how?

I've given up.

Some of you think I'm being really nasty to her IRL? Why would I do that? Hardly help the situation!

It's easy and simple. Just accept her and try to see the positive side of her. Then maybe you won't feel irritated by every move she makes, you won't be feeling stress, and she will start to feel at home eventually.