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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody MIL

188 replies

silenceisadistantmemory · 25/12/2017 21:29

She's a walking apology. It's not even passive aggressive. When she asks which chair it would be ok to sit in, she really means it!

Only if you're having one.

May I have a shower please?

Everything is death and gloom and illness as well.

She's retired, loaded and physically ok for a woman her age.

ARGH!!!!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2017 07:26

Sounds like my step fil.
Lovely quiet man ( on the spectrum I suspect) who is very socially awkward.
Anything you say to him his first reply is sorry, in fact it’s what he says mostly and while I feel for him it’s annoying after a while.
Would you like a cup of tea?
Sorry, is anyone else having one?
I don’t know, would you like one?
Have you asked x (Dm?)
I will in a moment, do you want one?
Are you having one?
I don’t know, do you want one?
I think a cup of tea would be splendid
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2017 07:28

Then when I hand him the tea he looks very surprised and says “sorry, thank you”
And acts as if I’ve just given him a gold bar

KERALA1 · 26/12/2017 07:33

It's an annoying personality type - Dickens wrote about it she's basically the modern version of Uriah Heep.

user789653241 · 26/12/2017 07:41

My own mum does ask if she can take shower or use whatever in our house when she visits for few days. She was less like that when she stayed longer. I just thought she was being polite and respectful that this is my & my dh's home.

RedZine · 26/12/2017 07:50

To me, this is rude.Being so stiffly formal and suggesting that we might not let her use the shower, sit on the sofa, eat food, drink tea, is very rude.

Maybe she has picked up on your hostile mood and feels on edge as well?

Winebottle · 26/12/2017 07:51

Everyone has there own preferences for how much they like guests to make themselves at home. It is better to err on the side of caution.

Personally, I don't like people getting too comfortable because my flat is my space and I expect visitors, even my parents, to act like guests.

Where do you draw the line? What about helping themselves to stuff out of the fridge?

I think it is polite to ask. It is not much effort to say yes and it is nice to be asked even if there is no realistic prospect of you saying no. It also gives you an opportunity to give further information.

Eg "is it alright if I have a shower?" could be "yeah, be careful with the temperature, it's hot" or "yeah, would you like a towel?"

It' completely different when you have asked someone the question though like the cup of tea example. If it wasn't alright, I wouldn't be offering so just answer the fucking question. Do you want one or not.

CantChoose · 26/12/2017 07:56

There's an interesting divide here isn't here!

My MIL who I love dearly is a bit like this and it is her most annoying trait.
She simply will not entertain having a drink from a bottle that hasn't been opened already for someone else. Even if it's something we only bought because she likes it. So I mostly just tell her we've opened it. We do joke about it a little and over the years I've encouraged her to be a bit more assertive.

The worst is apologising about her cooking though. Before we sit down to eat we have to have at least 5 minutes of her telling us how horrible it will be. I find it really offputting. And she's a perfectly good cook. Yesterday the turkey was definitely too dry, the veg overcooked and the gravy too thin- it was all lovely. Bless her.

Partridgeinabeartree · 26/12/2017 08:03

I think you need to lighten up OP. No one is perfect, even you will have annoying traits. Learn to be more forgiving.

MudCity · 26/12/2017 08:14

Hang on a minute....I always ask to use the loo when I am at my in-laws house and would let them know if I wanted a shower too. It isn’t my home therefore I would ask. Best that way than having relatives who let themselves into our house without ringing the doorbell or go from room to room as if they own the place....Grrrrrrrrrr!

Fairylea · 26/12/2017 08:15

I’d much rather have a mil like this than my ex mil who literally ate everything without asking, even a whole cake I had made for something else and helped herself to a whole jar of posh jam I had carefully hidden right at the back of the fridge so she wouldn’t think she could use it. She drove me absolutely insane. (These weren’t the only reasons, to be fair I just hated her for a billion reasons)!

BertrandRussell · 26/12/2017 08:16

I’m fascinated by this, imagining myself in my mil’s house, where I feel very much at home. If we’re staying in the room with the en suite then I would just have a shower whenever. If not, then I wouldn’t exactly ask- but I would check it was OK. Just in case there was a queue or somebody else needed to get ready quickly or something. I wouldn’t open a bottle of wine, for example, although dp would. I would make tea, but I would always “announce” it. “Shall I make some tea - anyone want some?”

And it’s quite normal not to fart in front of your mother. Or anyone else for that matter!

Oblomov17 · 26/12/2017 08:19

Have you read some of the other mil threads? If this is your only issue. And she only comes for a short time, occasionally, then YABU.

Have you ever had a chat? When you do this , it makes me feel on edge, we love you and want you to feel relaxed, so just do as you please, we won't mind!

BeyondThePage · 26/12/2017 08:31

I think it is the difference between "family" and "guest" -

in our house family come and go, help themselves, pitch in to help out - they are family. Guests would ring the doorbell on arrival, ask to use the shower, or wait to be asked about food, cuppa etc.

Family acting as if they were "guests" would get on my nerves.

LizzieSiddal · 26/12/2017 08:41

OP ”think it's mandatory on here to adore your MIL- regardless of how much they drive you round the bend.

Are you new to MN?!!

Yanbu

She’s just sounds being polite.

Original poster
silenceisadistantmemory · 26/12/2017 08:52

It's not polite to me. To me, it's cold, distant and formal.

OP posts:
DrizzleHair · 26/12/2017 08:53

You dad's partner is like this. It isn't politeness, it's indicative of (extremely) low self esteem in her case. It does my head in. She's such a martyr. But it is because she's been bullied by her parents, been in an abusive relationship, and generally doesn't think she's worth anything. She's almost 60 and there's not a lot to be done to change her I don't think.

She just looks like a scolded puppy and says she'll sit wherever we put her etc. She's a large lady with mobility issues so I would much prefer she picks a seat which is convenient for her, but she doesn't believe she deserves it.

And hot drinks!
'would you like a drink?'
'oh I'll have anything going, I'm not fussed'
'I'm making tea and coffee, which would you prefer?'
'oh either, don't mind me'
'please pick one!'

Yesterday she spotted a bottle of tap water on the table and apologised for having juice (when offered) as she'd have just had water if she'd known we had some.

It's really hard to stay calm, but I think this is a foible of someone in the family so it's part of general family manners to bite your tongue then rant on mumsnet about it

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/12/2017 08:54

I think it's mandatory on here to adore your MIL- regardless of how much they drive you round the bend.

Are you absolutely mad? Have you read any of the other mil threads? The ones like yours that pick up on the slightest thing that they do.

You'll be one day possibly. Think on.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 26/12/2017 08:55

Fairylea, but why on earth HIDE "posh jam" from guests? That is bonkers in its own right. Just buy another jar of posh jam

Original poster
silenceisadistantmemory · 26/12/2017 09:01

Thank you Drizzle!

You just described breakfast here.

Can I open the wine yet?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 26/12/2017 09:02

Because at the time I was on income support and had very little money and my posh jam was a special treat for me that I didn’t want anyone else to eat. I wouldn’t root around in the back of a salad drawer looking for things to eat in mils house so I assumed she wouldn’t do the same in my house and would just eat what was easily visible. I know it sounds bonkers to some but I thought it was very rude. I wouldn’t just help myself to things from the fridge without asking.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 26/12/2017 09:03

OP, about hot drinks: just make a big pot at intervals, then you can say "I have made tea. Please help yourself" or just bring her a cup over every now and then.

About the seat: allocate a seat to her at the beginning of her stay:"this is such a comfy chair, it's a bit soft/firm for me personally but other people always like it." or "this chair is next to the coffee table, do sit down and I'll bring you a cuppa that I just made" That way she does not worry about taking tge best seat/your seat.

Blerg · 26/12/2017 09:04

I hear you OP. I think there are a lot of women of the older generation who are socialised to be apologetic for being alive and it makes me sad. I was brought up a bit like this but I realise now to others being overly polite is annoying and a bit pathetic. It’s doesn’t make for good company and stops you getting to really know the person.

I am all for politeness but the constant ‘oh just a tiny bit of tap water for me’ etc is exhausting. My mum can’t give s gift without an apology first.

I realise men and women of all ages do this too but older women definitely do it more.

BertrandRussell · 26/12/2017 09:04

“It's not polite to me. To me, it's cold, distant and formal“

Well, now you realize that for many people it is polite.........?

LizzieSiddal · 26/12/2017 09:14

”Thank you Drizzle!
You just described breakfast here”
Did you also read the part where Drizzle describes why her mil is as she is?”

“She's such a martyr. But it is because she's been bullied by her parents, been in an abusive relationship, and generally doesn't think she's worth anything.”

Does that make you have any sympathy what so ever for your MIL? She must have gone through something awful to have such low self esteem. Can you empathise with her a little or are you going to continue to think she’s being deliberately annoying? Hmm

diddl · 26/12/2017 09:20

Do you only make a something when you're also having it?

In which case it's easy to say "I'm making X, would you like it as well?"

As for the shower, surely she just means is it OK to take up the bathroom for a while?

I do get you are coming from-but why does your husband wait on her?

Perhaps that makes her feel that she shouldn't just make herself a drink etc?

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