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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody MIL

188 replies

silenceisadistantmemory · 25/12/2017 21:29

She's a walking apology. It's not even passive aggressive. When she asks which chair it would be ok to sit in, she really means it!

Only if you're having one.

May I have a shower please?

Everything is death and gloom and illness as well.

She's retired, loaded and physically ok for a woman her age.

ARGH!!!!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/12/2017 22:22

That doesn't sound like this is the case at all Wizard.

meredintofpandiculation · 25/12/2017 22:28

So how do I get her to relax? Serious question? Keep asking her to do little jobs for you. Start with very little jobs "can you reach xxx out of the cupboard" and work up to, eg, "could you empty the dishwasher for me and put everything away" "could you possibly make me a bacon sarnie?"

ssd · 25/12/2017 22:33

yawn

another thread where the DIL is annoyed her MIL isn't like her mum

Original poster
silenceisadistantmemory · 25/12/2017 22:34

I did suggest that she help herself to something.

She got upset.

Oh well, three more days of living in a Jane Austin novel

OP posts:
PugwallsSummer · 25/12/2017 22:34

YANBU! My MIL is just like this, although she's PA with it ("I don't want to put you out", "I don't want to tread on anyone's toes", "I don't want to be a burden" "you don't want me hanging around"). She doesn't help out at all, so her comments are quite ironic really.

She once arrived as I was putting fresh sheets on the spare bed, and rambled on about how she'd sleep on the sofa because "I don't want to be a burden". Another time, DH was planning to cook something and had genuinely forgotten that she was allergic to one of the ingredients. As soon as she mentioned it, he apologised profusely and suggested a couple of alternative ideas. MIL told him not to go to any trouble and she'd just have a bit of bread & butter because "I don't want to be a burden" 🙄

Me & DH always joke that one day we'll just say "ok then" and see how she reacts.

In my MIL's case, she's not being polite or respectful, she's playing the martyr because she feels she doesn't see us enough. I'd love for her to come round and treat our house like her own (we do at her house!). We always tell her to help herself, make herself at home, give her the remote control etc, but she would rather make a thinly veiled point. As a result, she gets fewer invites.

GoldenBlue · 25/12/2017 22:35

I think I'm one of these people. I genuinely hate putting people out, I lack the entitlement gene. I guess I feel that irritation that you guys obviously have for people like me, and immediately feel nervous and uncomfortable.

Obviously I muck in and offer to help, but I would ask if I could use the shower, and I wouldn't presume to help myself to food.

Hearing how you feel about it makes me feel horrid about visiting people now. It is quite sad and hurtful :( Your poor MIL, how about trying to make her feel welcome? Set her to task if you want help, I bet she will be eager and happy to help and feel more like a family member rather than someone you put up with (just)

Tors33 · 25/12/2017 22:36

She just sounds very polite to me like she doesn't want to be a burden like rhianna says ppl guna talk wetha u do rite or wrong

Blessyourheart · 25/12/2017 22:45

All that faffing in the guise of being polite is exhausting. A grown up asking if they can park their arse on a chair every time they want to sit down is relentless nonsense, I'm not surprised you can't relax.

Go out and leave her to your DH, maybe she'll chill the fuck out. Wine and some jobs sounds like a good idea too.

Gin WineCake

Weezol · 25/12/2017 23:16

It is exhausting being constantly broken off from whatever you're doing - it's incredibly wearing.
I had a 45 year old friend, who in the past had actually lived here for two weeks whilst I was away last year (cat sucker sitter) ask me yesterday what to do with the wrapper of the sweet he had just eaten. Instead of telling him to shove it up his arse I got him to Google 'emotional labour'.

pinkbraces · 25/12/2017 23:22

Are you really so incredibly dim that you cannot understand people are different. Some of us are comfortable in some situations, others are not. Perhaps if you showed you MIL some genuine empathy she might start to relax and not ask if she can sit on a certain seat.
If she doesnt, then so what. Does it really make so much difference to your life?

What a charmer your DH must be if he cant even be kind about his mum.

gingergenius · 25/12/2017 23:24

My mil hated me. She phoned my husband at work to bitch about me. After 5 yrs on NC I tried to build bridges. She carried on.

Not once did she ask if it was ok to do anything. I was a non person to her.

Get over yourself.
It might be passive aggressive at worst. St best it's someone who doesn't want to be seen to be taking the piss. Maybe chill out a bit?

Mumof56 · 25/12/2017 23:24

your mother on law should fart in front of you or it's like living in pride and prejudice

BrownTurkey · 25/12/2017 23:25

🍷 i get it, people are v annoying especially other people’s family. No, actually, especially my family. Hosting others is a hassle. As is staying with other people. DH and I have just been dissecting the most annoying things family members did today, this would totally have made the list.

ShovingLeopard · 25/12/2017 23:29

YABU. If this is the most pressing complaint in your life, you don't know how lucky you are. However she may be missing the mark, your MIL is behaving like this because she thinks she is being courteous to you. Why not have the grace to appreciate that, rather than allow yourself to be so disproportionately irritated by her?

Misspilly88 · 25/12/2017 23:32

OP I know this well. It's exhausting. The other people saying you're unkind have obviously never experienced this type of house guest. Makes you want to scream!

lastqueenofscotland · 25/12/2017 23:32

To be fair if I don't stay somewhere often I will ask to use the bathroom, not least because a) I don't know where it is and I don't want to find out they have a sex swing or similar looking for it. B) if there is some weird quirk I'll find out then.
Also asking where to sit is just polite surely, some small children can be really funny about sitting next to nana

Blessyourheart · 25/12/2017 23:39

pinkbraces "are YOU really so incredibly dim"? Merry fucking Christmas.

Shyness, feeling awkward or being introvert is something I would be keen to dispell with because I really do want people to feel comfortable. There is a social contract and it's important to being a good host but it's also important to be a good guest. This doesn't sound like social awkwardness, maybe because I know someone exactly like this and they are a massive pain in the arse?

mummmy2017 · 25/12/2017 23:46

change the way you ask her things. so she can only say yes or no.
I am having a drink would you like one?
We have used the shower, any time you want to use it is fine, as it will be free till tonight.
When she arrives, tell her she can sit on the sofa, as you sit in the chairs, and if she asks again just use your hand to show her the seat.
I think she is trying and doesn't want to upset you, be grateful

LastOneDancing · 25/12/2017 23:50

My mum is like this. It is unkind to feel that way but it is exhausting - I feel shit for feeling annoyed by her constant apologising. My heart sank when some slippers she'd bought the kids didn't fit today because it would mean a 10 minute round of being 'SO SO sorry'. 'It's fine Mum. Not a problem, ill get a bigger size. Thanks for the thought' X 1000.

I think it's low self esteem and anxiety. But yeah. Knackering.

Blessyourheart · 25/12/2017 23:53

At worst she is like wizard says "Oh, the old 'I don't want to put you out' gambit. Designed to put you out as much as possible, and ensure attention is on them at all times."

Mummy has really good advice. If she is feeling awkward you've given blanket permission. If she's being a pita you've stopped joining in with the obsequious nonsense.

sausagerollsrock · 25/12/2017 23:59

Op I feel the pain. My mil is lovely but she always says 'is it ok if I make a cup of tea. It won't offend you will it?' (She drinks around 30 cups a day so have always told her to make her own as I can't keep up). Then if we haven't got much milk she says 'oh no I won't have a cup, I don't want to use all your milk' I'm saying have it, it's fine, I'll grab some tomorrow etc but she will go on and on about the milk.
It doesn't sound too bad when I write it down but when you've had it every time she's visited for the last 6 years it begins to grate.

PrincessPlod · 26/12/2017 00:02

You clearly make her feel nervous and she doesn't want to upset you. I think I would feel the same as MIL

MotherofaSurvivor · 26/12/2017 00:11

Poor woman. I'd feel SO rude if I got a shower in someone else's house without asking!! Even my Mums!

She wasn't implying you wouldn't allow her FFS! Hmm

MissEliza · 26/12/2017 00:14

My dps bring things like cakes and biscuits then ask if they can have one. Eg dad brought a box of truffles then about an hour ago asked if he could 'pinch' one. Err you bought them and I don't even like them!

BertrandRussell · 26/12/2017 00:14

Seems like good manners to me. And good to hear that your dh is better mannered when she’s around too.......

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